by Karis Walsh
Tam stood as well. She didn’t need any more time to think about her decision. She had to make the choice she could live with forever, regardless of the outcome.
“You can tell him I’m a match,” she said. “And I guess I’ll go back to the inn and pack for a trip to the city.”
Maggie’s hug nearly knocked the breath out of her. Tam barely had time to squeeze her in return before Maggie moved away and disappeared out the door.
*
Tam haphazardly threw some clothes and toiletries into a canvas bag. She would only be in Portland for a few nights, and she had a feeling she’d be wearing a hospital gown for most of her stay. Besides, she already had tons of emotional baggage packed and ready to go wherever she went. She’d have plenty of downtime to unpack it and dwell on every aspect of her relationship with her father over the next week.
She zipped the suitcase shut and went outside. She walked past the studio and waved at Aspen, who was working on a new, life-sized sculpture. Aspen returned the wave with a clay-covered hand and a happy smile on her face. Tam wished she had some sort of outlet for her emotions. She’d like to sculpt her pain and emotional upheaval away like Aspen, or write it out like Ari. She didn’t even have anyone to talk to about the uncertainty she felt inside.
Except Maggie. Tam turned when she heard someone calling her name and saw Maggie jogging toward her along the backyard path. Maggie was the only one who really understood all sides of Tam’s situation.
“Hey. I’m glad I caught you before you left,” Maggie said when she reached her. She handed Tam a cloth bag with the Beachcomber logo on the side. “Jocelyn sent these for you to read while you’re sitting in waiting rooms in Portland. You are still going, aren’t you?”
Tam laughed without humor. “Of course I am. Once I make up my mind, I stick to it.” True, but even she had wondered if she’d be as faithful to her word as she usually was. “I just wanted to walk on the beach once more before I go.”
“Do you mind some company?”
Tam remembered all too well the last time Maggie had asked to come along with her. The afternoon had been one of the best in Tam’s life, and it had ended with a tsunami of a kiss. She cleared her throat and hoped to clear her mind of the memory as well. “Are you keeping an eye on me, making sure I’ll really follow through with this?”
Maggie laughed as they started to walk down the staircase leading to the shore. Tam loved the sound, especially when it mingled with the splash of waves. “No. Every step is your decision to make, not mine to force. I just wanted to…to be here if you need to talk.”
What had Maggie been about to say? That she just wanted to be with Tam? Tam pushed the thought away and peered into the bag. “What did Jocelyn send? I’m guessing titles like Fathers and Daughters: Healing Complicated Relationships or Know Your Enemy: How to Face and Beat Cancer.”
Maggie bumped her shoulder into Tam’s as they walked along the sand. “Don’t worry. I asked her what they were just to make sure she wasn’t sending anything like that, but they’re fantasy novels. She said sometimes you just need to escape.”
Tam folded the bag around the books and held them to her chest. “Tell her thank you. They’ll be perfect.”
Maggie was silent for a moment. “Speaking of complicated relationships, how is yours? I saw you in his room the other day, but I didn’t want to disturb the two of you. You seemed to be…talking.”
“As opposed to me snarling at him, as usual?” Tam asked with a wry smile. She was getting accustomed to seeing her father now and could stay in the same room with him without losing control of her voice or feelings. It didn’t mean she’d forgiven him or was ready to bond, but it was something. “He was telling me about his second wife. My mom knew he was with someone else, but she never told me. She let me believe he was a player, moving from one relationship to the next.”
“Does this change how you see him?” Maggie asked quietly.
Tam thought for a long minute. “No. I mean, it doesn’t help me understand why he abandoned me or make it any easier to remember growing up fatherless, but in a way it changes how I see myself.”
“Ah.”
This time, Tam was the one to bump into Maggie. “What do you mean by that, oh, wise one?”
Maggie looped her arm through Tam’s. “Ah means I’ve noticed you relate to your father, even though you’re angry with him. You’ve grown up believing you’re just like him, including his alleged philandering ways. When you found out he really wasn’t a player, it made you rethink your own need to avoid relationships. Am I close?”
“Uncomfortably so,” Tam said. She tightened her hold on Maggie’s arm and pulled her a little closer. She should be pushing her away now, getting distance from her and from the conversation, but Maggie was right. Tam had fallen into a life of transient relationships because she figured either she or her partner would be a repeat version of her father. One of them would eventually leave, so it might as well be her. Her father had left her mother, but he’d stayed with his true love. What did that mean for her?
“Nature versus nurture,” Maggie said. “You’re wrestling with one of the biggies.”
“I guess. It’s complicated, but at the same time it’s simple. If I try to let myself commit to a relationship, will I be like he was with me and my mom, or like he was with his real love?”
Maggie pulled Tam to a stop and faced her. “Or maybe you’ll be you. If you’re with someone you truly love, you won’t want to go.”
Tam caressed Maggie’s cheek with the back of her hand. Maggie wasn’t necessarily offering herself as that person, but Tam allowed her own mind to consider the possibility. Would she ever want to walk away from Maggie? Surprising, smart, funny, kind Maggie? Not likely, but she still couldn’t be sure. She saw her own conflict and doubt reflected in Maggie’s expression. Not for the same reasons, but with the same outcome.
She let her fingers trail down Maggie’s neck and saw her breathing increase at the touch. Tam smiled and tugged Maggie back into a walk. “You know my deepest fears now,” she said, only half joking. Maggie really did understand her better than anyone ever had. “So tell me, what’s yours?”
“I always thought it was death,” Maggie admitted. “When Jocelyn was sick, I was so afraid to lose her. I feel something similar, but less personal, with my patients. And when I went skydiving, I was definitely afraid of the parachute not opening and me plunging to my death.”
“You went skydiving?” Tam asked. “You’ll have to tell me the whole story sometime.”
“Okay. It makes my palms sweat to talk about it, but someday I will.”
Tam turned her imagination away from the arousing picture of windblown Maggie in a jumpsuit and returned to the topic. “Have you changed your mind about your fear?”
Maggie shrugged and her arm rubbed against Tam’s. Tam gave in to the screaming request of her nerve endings and put her arm around Maggie’s waist, pulling them closer.
“I see it differently now. Dying is a fact of life. I’ve seen it met with dignity and acceptance, or with fear, but either way it’s something that happens to us. Living is the harder part because we make it happen. It’s the choices we make and the dreams we choose. The way we think and act and love. I’m more afraid of not living well and fully than anything else.”
Tam walked without speaking, enjoying the feel of Maggie’s steps matching hers. Synchronized in movement and thought. Had she ever had a conversation like this with another person? She’d remember if she had. Thoughts openly expressed and minds connecting. “I guess it’s a good fear to have. It makes you aware of the choices you make and what they mean. It makes you question assumptions, especially if they’re holding you back from living fully.”
“Like the assumption that you’re incapable of staying in a relationship?”
Tam had to laugh at Maggie’s ability to turn her comments back on her. “I suppose so.”
Maggie halted again and pulled Tam into one of her
warm hugs. She released her and stepped back. “This is going to be a huge week for you. You have a lot going on with your dad and your procedures, and you’ll have a lot of time to be alone with your thoughts. You can call me anytime, and turn to Jocelyn’s books for an escape, but don’t shortchange yourself on these topics. They deserve time and reflection from both of us.”
Tam nodded and gave Maggie a kiss on the cheek. Even the brief touch of lips on skin made her want more, but she realized they needed to move apart and let this conversation sink in. She watched Maggie walk back toward the inn without attempting to follow her. This wasn’t the same as the way they’d separated at the pond after their kiss. Then there’d been too much left unspoken and too much fear holding them apart. Now there was only the promise of coming together again. Tam turned away from the inn and continued along the beach.
*
Maggie drove through the dark, winding along the Highway 101 curves she knew by heart. Even though she couldn’t see the ocean, she knew when the trees would open and expose breathtaking views. Every passing lane, every roadside scenic view. Gem had criticized her for being a homebody and returning to the town where she and Jocelyn had grown up, but Maggie felt a reassuring completeness in her familiarity.
She’d struggled with her lack of devil-may-care attitude and quiet routines and somehow had let Gem’s decision to sail around the world—and her corresponding decision not to—make her feel inadequate and boring. She’d jumped out of a plane trying to escape what she saw as a meaningless existence, but she hadn’t found a magical solution on the way down.
She’d found it in Tam. She’d felt complete sitting by her on the edge of the pond, watching dragonflies buzz by. She’d definitely found passion and excitement in Tam’s kiss. Somehow, when she’d been rocked from the top of her red head to the bottom of her wader-clad toes, she’d discovered an adventure more terrifying than any skydive. If she yielded to her feelings for Tam and allowed herself to feel the full brunt of her growing desire for her, Maggie would have to be present in her life. Not displaced into the drama and sadness belonging to her patients and their families, and not numbing herself in front of the TV with a plastic bowl of fake food.
When was the last time Maggie had been fully and unabashedly herself? She couldn’t even remember. She’d been Jocelyn’s sister and her stem-cell donor. She’d never regret the way she’d lost her childhood to Jocelyn’s illness—each of them had been refined and defined by the experience. Maggie had turned her attention to the more general population of cancer patients. Now she often felt she lived her patients’ lives more than her own.
Loving Tam would change all that. A small, but growing flame of courage inside Maggie said she was ready for the change.
Maggie took one of the Newport exits and drove toward the pier where Mel had told her she’d find Tam tonight, after her return from testing at the hospital in Portland. She had food with her, filling the car with delicious aromas. A chocolate tart from Helen’s bakery, and a meal Maggie and Jocelyn had prepared. While they’d been cooking, Ari had sat at the kitchen island working on her new book and tasting everything they offered her. Maggie had felt the last of her stubbornly lingering fears vanish as she watched her sister and Ari interact. They were happy and settling together. They had trips and vacations planned—a research trip to Canada for Ari and a booksellers convention in England for Joss. But they didn’t need to prove anything with risks or gambles or massive upheavals in their lifestyles. They kissed and touched and laughed about small, inconsequential things. The revolution occurred in barely discernable increments. They didn’t need to throw away jobs, friends, and homes and sail the seven seas. They found meaning together, in daily life. Present with each other.
Maggie’s hands shook as she put her car in park and climbed out. The decision to stay in her life, but add Tam to it, required more bravery than she’d ever realized.
She let herself through the chain-link gate and walked along the wooden dock, hearing the suction-like sound of waves lapping against hulls and pylons. She counted boats to find the right one but stopped when the silhouette of Tam made it unnecessary. Tam was sitting lengthwise on a bench, staring out to sea with an expression of calm. Was the calm coming from peace or resignation? She held a glass of wine in one hand and the other rested on the metal railing. Maggie could guess at some of the thoughts in her mind, given the impending surgeries and her experience being near her father again. Were any of Tam’s thoughts about her? Maggie hoped so.
“Permission to come aboard?” Maggie asked in a voice loud enough to carry across the wind and waves.
Tam turned toward her with a ghost of a smile. “Sure. Watch your step, though.” She put her wineglass down and came over to the railing.
Maggie took Tam’s hand and climbed off the dock and onto the unsteady boat. She wavered for a moment, balancing the cardboard box of food on her hip, but soon she felt the rhythm of the waves and she felt more stable.
“I brought dinner and dessert,” she said, holding out the box. “If you don’t mind company, that is.”
Tam took the box from her and carried it to the stern where she set it on a round plastic table. “Wine?”
“Yes, please,” Maggie said. She walked around the little sailboat—a tour lasting less than a minute—and then settled on the red bench. “Thanks,” she said, taking the glass Tam offered. “How did it go in Portland?”
Tam leaned against the railing and stared out at the harbor. “The surgeon said I’m a perfect match, which you already knew. Then he scheduled the transplant and explained everything that would happen, which you’d already told me.”
Maggie nodded even though Tam wasn’t looking at her. Tam was right—Maggie had all the details about the medical side of Tam’s life. Tonight wasn’t meant to be about Tam’s father. Maggie wanted it to be only about her and Tam. She changed the subject to one close at hand, hoping to bring them both here, to the present. “This is a cute boat.”
Tam laughed and sat next to her. “Cute? Too tame. This sleek beauty and I have braved the rough ocean and raced whales together. Cute,” she repeated with a snort.
Maggie laughed. “What I meant to say was what a fiercely intimidating little boat you have.”
“Drop the little and we’re good.” She took a sip of her wine. “Have you sailed before?”
“Not much. We went once or twice before Joss got sick, but not after. My dad’s boat was one of the many things he had to sell to help cover the deductibles from her medical bills.”
“I’m sorry,” Tam said.
Maggie shrugged. The years had been tough, but her family had stuck together so tightly they didn’t need possessions or elaborate times together to be happy. The contrast between her experience with a sick family member and Tam’s was vast. Maggie wanted to be someone stable for Tam to rely on through this ordeal. She had been there for her, as Markus’s doctor, but now he had been transferred to a different surgeon and hospital. Maggie’s only responsibility now was Tam.
“My ex-girlfriend bought a sailboat. She wanted to leave everything behind and sail around the world, or through the Panama Canal. I don’t know. She changed her mind every other day.”
Tam raised one eyebrow. “Sounds like a responsible way to plan a serious sailing venture.”
“Yeah. I think her main goal was to live without obligations or time schedules, not to be a responsible sailor.”
Tam shook her head with a stern expression. “Sailing, especially on the ocean, is a dangerous activity. Without careful planning and the right skills and equipment, she’d be putting herself in danger as well as the lives of those who eventually had to try to rescue her…Sorry. I’ll stop my lecture. You apparently weren’t party to her irresponsible behavior. Were you one of the things she wanted to leave behind? If so, she was dumber than I originally thought.”
Maggie grinned at Tam’s quiet addendum to her question. She rested her arm on the railing so her hand was next to
Tam’s shoulder. “No. She asked me to go with her, and she had some brutally expressed opinions about my character when I said no.”
“Aargh,” Tam said with a visible shudder. “The thought of you out there with her, clutching the mast while she tried to sail through an ocean storm, makes me sick.” She grabbed Maggie’s hand off the railing and kissed it. “You made the right decision.”
“I doubted myself at first. Not really about going with her, because it would have been a disaster, even without the mast-clutching and the storm. But a lot of the criticisms she threw at me really hit home. Jocelyn’s sickness scared me. Facing the loss of my twin sister was overwhelming when I was little—of course, it would be at any time in life, but I was old enough to be aware of death and too young to really understand it on an intellectual level. I got scared, and the fear never went away. I’m still protective of Jocelyn, even though she’s better now and old enough to take care of herself. Even more, though, I shelter myself from any chance of loss. It was easy to let go of Gem, and I realized how little I truly cared about her or the other women I’ve dated. But you? I’d give up my career and my home and sail to the end of the world with you. That scares the hell out of me.”
“But you’re here anyway, aren’t you, brave Maggie?” Tam cradled Maggie’s hand against her cheek.
Maggie shrugged. “I’m here. Hoping you’ll let me stay.” The expression on Tam’s face was glowing with what Maggie suspected was a mix of loving and being loved. She had to look away and get her breath back again, but she didn’t make any move to pull away. “I’m here, but I have one request.”
“Anything.”
Maggie scooted across the bench and into Tam’s arms when she heard the utter truth behind Tam’s single word. “Well, if we do decide to drop everything and sail away, can we get a bigger boat? As cute…er, fierce as this one is, it looks like it might break into splinters if the swells got too high.”