Craving Absolution

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  Without bothering to put underwear back on, I grabbed a summer dress off the floor and took a quick sniff. Yep, it was clean. I needed to be dressed if I was going to figure out Cody’s shit; I only wished he wasn’t in the bathroom so I could touch up my makeup and hair. I’d feel so much more comfortable if my armor were in place.

  I was sitting on the bed cross-legged when he finally came back in the room.

  “I’m heading out on a run, Ladybug,” he told me as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “You still got that box of shit I asked you to store for me?”

  “No,” I replied slowly. “I threw it out a couple of minutes ago when I realized you were going to keep telling me nothing was wrong.”

  “Babe.” He shook his head. “I’m gonna be out of town for a few days, maybe a week. I wanted to see you before I left.”

  “Is ‘see you’ a euphemism for rough sex? Because I’ve been using that phrase all wrong if it is.”

  He froze, a look of horror on his face as his gaze ran up and down my body. “I hurt you, Farrah?”

  “No, you didn’t hurt me!” I shot back, frustrated as hell that he wouldn’t tell me anything. “It was fine! I came, you came, then you cried! Everything is just hunky-fucking-dory!”

  His worried face turned cold, and I knew then that I should have kept my mouth shut. “I wasn’t crying.”

  The Cody glaring at me wasn’t anyone I’d ever met before. Even when we were fighting or I was trying to kick him out of my house, he’d never used that tone of voice with me. Like I was beneath him. Like I was nothing. All of a sudden it was clear why he fit in so well with my biological father’s club, and I hated it.

  “It must have been sweat,” I whispered back, my nose stinging with unshed tears. “Your box is in the back of my closet.”

  He pulled his plastic storage container out of the closet and stuffed collared shirts, jeans, and a fucking hipster cardigan into one of my duffel bags. I almost opened my mouth to ask what the hell he was doing when he packed a pair of lace-up Vans sneakers, but the scowl on his face stopped me. I could feel myself beginning to shake as he put the box away again, considerably lighter than when he’d pulled it out.

  “I’ll be back next week,” he told me, then kissed me quickly, rubbing his hand up and down my arm briskly. “You cold? Put a sweater on.”

  He walked out the door, asking me over his shoulder to let Gram know he’d be out of town, and within a minute I heard his bike start up outside. Just like that, he was gone.

  For a few moments, I’d turned back into that girl I’d been before—willing to let a man talk down to me just so I’d know that he was coming back. After Echo died, I promised myself that I’d never let anyone treat me like that again, yet I’d just let Cody do it. I’d even placated him, pretending I’d been mistaken so he wouldn’t stay mad at me.

  What the hell was I doing? He left me shaking, sore, and close to crying in the middle of my bed. I’d let him use me like a random fuck, mistakenly thinking I was doing some selfless deed to comfort him.

  He didn’t even ask me if he could borrow that fucking duffel bag.

  I ran to the bathroom and barely made it to my knees before I started vomiting.

  Chapter 15

  Farrah

  I took a little time to get myself together before walking over to Gram’s. I sure as shit wasn’t going to stay in the apartment, licking my wounds. I was both pissed as hell and disappointed in myself, frustrated that I’d seemed to have fallen back into old patterns. If it were three years ago, I would have found someone to party with after I’d gotten into it with whatever guy I was seeing. But since I hated the thought of that even more, I chose to play dice and eat Gram’s banana bread instead.

  I tried talking Gram into hitting some garage sales despite what Cody had ordered, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She’d spent a lot of her life listening to her man and her sons tell her not to do things, and she told me she knew when to listen and when to ignore it, something about a feeling in her gut. Apparently this was one of the times her gut was telling her to listen.

  We’d played a gazillion dice games called Ten Thousand and were hanging in the living room watching Matlock when Grease, Callie, and Will came in the front door. We rarely knocked at Gram’s, so the fact that they hadn’t didn’t surprise me, but the way they came in was just slightly off. It was too fast and loud for a normal visit, too urgent. The look of devastation on Grease and Callie’s faces had Gram and me jumping to our feet.

  Oh God. Cody.

  “Cody?” Gram croaked, her arthritic fingers rising to her mouth in horror.

  “No! No, Gram. He’s fine!” Callie turned her head to Grease. “He’s fine, right?”

  “Far as I know, Sugar,” Grease answered.

  I didn’t like his answer.

  “What’s going on?” It felt like déjà vu as I glanced back and forth between them, neither of them giving me a fucking thing. “Someone better tell me right now what the fuck is going on. Shit. Sorry, Wilfred.”

  “Iss okay,” Will said, walking toward the toys Gram kept for when he came over.

  “Now, Callie.” My voice was almost a growl as I glared at her.

  Grease answered for her, pulling Callie into his side. “Tommy’s wife, Trish, and the kids were killed in a house fire this morning.”

  “Oh shit.” I sat down hard on the couch, the morning’s events becoming so much clearer. Oh, Cody. Goddamn it, why hadn’t he said anything?

  “I’m sorry, baby girl,” Gram said to Callie, walking over to wrap her in a tight hug. “I know she was one of your friends.”

  “Yeah.” Callie sobbed quietly into Gram’s shoulder as I sat on the couch, stunned.

  Grease stepped away as Gram ushered Callie away from Will and into the kitchen. He dropped down on the other end of the sofa and leaned forward so his elbows rested on his knees.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to say or if I sounded like an asshole, but this whole comforting-people-who-weren’t-Callie thing was hard.

  “Thanks,” he replied, watching Will build a tower with Legos. “You saw Casper this morning? He seem okay?”

  “No, he didn’t, and he wouldn’t tell me what was going on,” I said as I watched Will paw through the toy box.

  “Yeah, he probably didn’t want to say anything until the rest of the brothers had called their families. We’ve spent the last two hours trying to calm Tommy down.” He paused and cleared his throat. “Been a shitty day.”

  “I bet,” I whispered.

  I’d liked Trisha. She’d seemed sweet as hell when I’d been around her, and her kids were freaking adorable, at least the ones I’d met. The oldest was a little too old to hang out with the little ones, so I’d never been around him. God, I couldn’t believe they were gone. Poof. Just like that.

  “Why would Slider send people out on a run with all of this stuff happening? It seems like you should be circling the wagons or something.”

  Grease looked at me in surprise. “We’re all staying pretty close to home, if we can. Don’t think anyone’s leaving.”

  “Cody left this morning,” I replied slowly, trying to read him but his expression had gone blank. “So, not everyone is home. Where did he go?”

  “Club business, Farrah.” He dismissed me with a flick of his hand, stood up, and walked away.

  I should have known he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, but I was going to go crazy trying to figure it out on my own. Why would Slider send Cody out by himself? He was a prospect, could barely wipe his ass without one of the brothers telling him to do it. It just didn’t make sense.

  “Auntie! Come play!” Will called from the floor.

  He was just what I needed to snap me out of my conspiracy theories. They could wait, and lately, time with Will was something I didn’t get very much of. The thought was frightening as I remembered a few kids I’d never see again.

  “Okay, dude. What a
re we playing?” I asked as I lay down beside him on the carpet.

  We played on the floor of Gram’s living room for over an hour before Will started to get cranky. I was trying to give Callie and Grease some time with Gram, but the kid didn’t want to hang with me anymore, he wanted his mom or dad.

  He must have known something was going on. There was no way he’d missed the way his parents were barely holding it together. If you didn’t look very closely it seemed as if Grease was unaffected, but Callie was no good at hiding her emotions, she let them fly. Both of them were hurting, that couldn’t be ignored, even by a two-year-old. Especially by a two-year-old.

  It felt like sadness was sucking all the air out of the apartment as I watched Gram stand behind Grease, rubbing his back and speaking to him softly. He was nodding, his head bowed to the table in front of him, and beneath the table I could see Callie’s hand gripping his thigh. I hurt for them.

  I followed Will into the kitchen and watched as he climbed onto Grease’s lap, laying his head against the leather-clad chest as Grease wrapped his arm around Will’s back. In that moment, I was suddenly really, really glad that my best friend and her son had finally gotten their happily-ever-after. Even if it wasn’t very happy at the moment, their bond was a sight to see. Maybe it was the time I’d had to get used to things, or the way Callie immediately stood from the table and wrapped her arms around me, assuring me that she still needed me, but my resentment was gone.

  I held my best friend close, letting her cry into my shoulder, and wished that I hadn’t craved her attention. It wasn’t the way I’d wanted her to need me.

  “When do you work this week?” Grease asked me as I let go of Callie and started following Gram around the kitchen.

  It looked as if Gram was prepping for Armageddon as she pulled jar after jar out of her fridge and cupboards, getting ready to throw together a whole basket of food for Tommy and the guys at the club.

  “Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday,” I replied, widening my eyes at Callie as Gram continued to pull food out.

  “I’ll come and give you a lift.”

  “Nah, it’s okay. Cody got my car fixed, so I’m good,” I answered offhandedly, oblivious to the way everyone had grown quiet.

  “I’ll drive you to work, Farrah.” Grease’s tone had me spinning to face him. “We’re being careful. None of you are going anywhere without one of the boys.”

  “What the hell?” I asked, my voice breaking at the end. “What are you guys not saying?”

  “Not sure how that fire started yet—”

  “Holy shit.”

  “Just taking some precautions,” he assured me.

  Wait a second . . .

  “Where the hell is Cody?”

  “It’s club business, Farrah. Your man didn’t tell you, you don’t rate the info,” he replied unapologetically.

  “That’s bullshit!” I yelled.

  “Farrah!” Gram hissed at me. “Knock it off. You know how those boys work. Quit harping on Asa.”

  “Et tu, Brute?” I gasped, glaring at Gram. “Screw this, I’m outta here.”

  I was too pissed off to notice or care that I was being an ass to Gram. I felt for them, I did, but fuck if I would just go blindly along, minding my business, with no idea where Cody was or what the hell was going on. It wasn’t like I was going to go all vigilante and do something stupid. I just wanted to know where we stood in the shit storm that seemed to be billowing up around us.

  I slammed out of the house as Grease ordered me to stay in the apartment, flipping him off as I went. My apartment was close and I got there within seconds, but I didn’t realize that there was someone sitting at my doorstep until I was almost on top of him. My heart stuttered in my chest as I stumbled to a stop.

  I began to take a step back, Grease’s warnings blaring in my head, when the guy pushed his hoodie off his head and looked up at me. What the fuck?

  “Who the hell are you?”

  Chapter 16

  Farrah

  “Are you Farrah?” the kid asked, climbing to his feet. I took a step back as I realized he wasn’t as small as I’d thought, and looked at him suspiciously.

  “Who . . .? Oh shit, you look just like your dad,” I whispered.

  “You know my dad? I tried to go home and—” His voice broke and his hands clenched into fists. “Our house was gone. Can you call my mom?”

  “What’s your name?” I asked again, horror building with a sense of recognition.

  “Cameron,” he answered. “Is Casper here?” He leaned to look over my shoulder, but I knew no one was behind me.

  Holy shit. Holyshitholyshit.

  “He’s not here, dude,” I told him, the words coming out garbled as my mind raced. “I don’t have your mom’s number, but Grease is a few apartments down. Why don’t you come in and I’ll call him?”

  He stepped aside so I could move into the recessed doorway, and my hands shook as I fit my key into the lock. What was I supposed to do? In a few minutes, this kid’s entire world was going to implode and he had no idea. Shit, how old was he again? I couldn’t remember, but I knew that he must be big for his age. He couldn’t have been older than twelve, but he was already a little taller than I was.

  “Come on in.” I waved my arm toward the living room, and with no hesitation Cameron walked in and dropped down onto the couch. “You want something to drink?”

  “No, thank you,” he replied in a careless show of manners. “I like your place. Casper said you haven’t had time to make it girly, but I think it’s nice the way it is. My mom has—” His voice cracked for a second time. “—h-had a ton of pillows and stuff.”

  The boy was acting as if he wasn’t scared out of his mind, but his hands rubbed over his thighs over and over as if he couldn’t sit still. I was completely out of my element. I’d always had an easy time comforting Will, but this kid was different. He was too old to comfort with a bowl of Cheerios.

  “I’ll just, uh, call Grease, okay?”

  He nodded, not saying a word, and I walked quickly into my bedroom.

  It only rang once before Grease picked up.

  “Dude. You need to get over here, pronto,” I growled through my teeth.

  “You okay?” I could hear Grease moving around on the other end of the line. “You just fucking left.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. But okay, so, I walk home, right? And I don’t notice anything at first—”

  “Get to the fucking point, Farrah.”

  “CameronisherelookingforCody,” I told him in a rush. “I don’t know what the fuck to do!”

  “What?” he whispered back in disbelief.

  “Tommy and Trish’s son Cameron IS IN MY APARTMENT!” I yelled, then immediately covered my mouth with my hand, looking toward the bedroom doorway. I was trying to keep my shit together, but seriously, it was like fucking Lazarus rising from the dead.

  “Holy fuck. You sure? I’m almost there.” He hung up before I could reply, and I made myself walk calmly back into the living room, even though I wanted to run.

  “So you’ve been here before, huh?” I said, startling the poor kid so badly, he jumped up off the couch and whirled to face me.

  “Yeah, I was with Casper when he stopped to pick something up,” he answered nervously. “I didn’t hang out here or anything!”

  “Hey, no sweat, man. Mi casa es su casa. You can hang here whenever you want.”

  We were both babbling, and I had no idea what had just come out of my mouth. Did I really just tell some kid I didn’t know that he could hang out at my house? Shit. Fuck. I didn’t know what to do! Where the hell was Grease?

  Cameron seemed to relax a little at my words, so I couldn’t take them back. I would have done anything at that point to calm the poor guy down. He wasn’t going to come hang out anyway, so I didn’t know why I was even thinking about it. Shit. We watched each other, standing at opposite ends of the room, and I sighed in relief when Grease came barreling in the door.


  “Cam!” he shouted, practically running to where Cameron was standing so he could wrap his arms around him in a huge hug. I felt like I was intruding as I watched Grease grip the back of Cameron’s neck and kiss the side of his head. “Hey, bud, you okay?”

  I didn’t hear Cameron’s answer, but I did read Grease’s lips as he raised his head and asked me to call the very last man on earth I’d ever want to talk to. Goddamn it. It wasn’t like I could tell him, “No, thank you. I pretty much hate him and would rather have an apartment full of snakes than that asshole in here,” when I had a preteen in my living room who had no idea most of his family was dead.

  For the second time that day, I walked quietly into my room and fought the bile in my throat as I scrolled through the contacts list on my phone. Cody had programmed quite a few numbers into it when I’d moved here, so I couldn’t even use the excuse of not knowing the freaking number.

  “Slider,” he answered, making my stomach knot up.

  “It’s your wayward daughter,” I replied sarcastically. “You need to come over to my apartment.”

  There was an awkward pause, neither of us comfortable with my request, but eventually he spoke again.

  “To what do I owe this invitation?”

  Was that hope in his voice? It took all that I had not to hang up. Fucking douche. Like I’d really invite him over to hang out.

  “Cameron’s here,” I answered flatly. “He went home this morning to a burned-down house and came looking for Casper.”

  His voice grew dark. “Farrah, if this is some game you’re playing . . .”

  “I’m not an asshole, apparently that isn’t something you can inherit. He’s in my living room with Grease.”

  “Good Christ,” he muttered quietly.

  “See you soon, Pops.” I hung up and stood silently in my bedroom.

  My hands shook and my chest felt tight at the thought of my father walking into my apartment. I didn’t like him, I didn’t want to see him, and I sure as hell didn’t want him there. The apartment was my space. Mine. I was finally able to sleep there alone, which I knew I’d be doing for the next week, at least until Cody came home. I was afraid the minute Slider walked in the front door it would be tainted, turning it into yet another place where I didn’t feel comfortable.