Craving Absolution

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I fought the lump in my throat, determined to stay standing and coherent as she sat awfully close to my wedding ring quilt. If I hadn’t been so afraid to get near her, I would have snatched it off the bed before her vanilla perfume could contaminate it.

  “Knew your mother. Didn’t like her. She always hung around back then, scoring coke off the boys however she could. Didn’t know she was fucking my husband, not until later, but I knew something was off about her. Something was missing.”

  “Don’t touch the fucking coffee table, Farrah! You knock any of my sugar off the table, I’ll beat your ass!”

  No. Nonononono.

  “When I found out she was pregnant, I wanted to kill her. Seriously considered it a time or two. But your father, well, we’d been trying for a long-ass time by then, and still no babies. He tried to act like he didn’t care, but I knew a part of him was a bit excited by the whole thing. Couldn’t help himself.”

  “That’s your daddy in the picture. See him, Farrah? Handsome motherfucker, huh? He didn’t want you, so he sent us away. Like we were trash, just tossed us out like garbage. Shoulda never gotten pregnant.”

  “As much as I wanted him to, he couldn’t ignore what was happening. He was afraid your mother’d keep you coked outta your brain and starvin’, so he set her up in a little house on the other side of town. Paid her bills and shit, made sure she was eating, and tried to keep watch on her through the boys so she couldn’t go out and score.” I vaguely registered her voice catching on the last word. “Eventually she realized Slider wasn’t going to leave me for her, even though at the time, shit wasn’t good between us for obvious reasons.”

  “Coulda stayed with your daddy, you know. He didn’t want kids, though, so once you came along I was screwed. Hand me mama’s dollar over there, yeah, that one. You remember that, Farrah, I chose you. So you be a good girl and don’t you make me regret it.”

  “She told us that we could adopt the baby, and for a price, we’d never have to see her again.”

  Vera sniffled, but I still refused to look at her. My vision was starting to have little spots in it as I tried to quietly pull air into my lungs.

  “It wasn’t easy for me, I want you to know that. I didn’t want nothin’ to do with her kid at first, the proof of my husband fucking around on me. But eventually I seen what it was doing to Slider, and I knew that I had to dig deep down inside me to find if I was willing to overlook a baby, the man I love’s baby, just for the sake of pride.”

  “Your daddy’s cunt wife was gonna kill ya, Farrah. I saw it. I knew if I didn’t get you away from there, she’d do it and she’d get away with it. She wanted you dead, I had to protect ya.”

  “Less than a month before you were due, we agreed to take you.” She made a hoarse sound deep in her throat, making me cringe. “I loved ya before you were born, knowing you were gonna be mine. Haven’t loved anyone more in my entire life, and that’s the God’s honest truth. By the time you came, I had a little room all set up for ya, lots of clothes and toys you wouldn’t be using for months. I got everything just perfect.”

  My breath was wheezing past my tight throat as I listened to her bullshit, and almost overpowering my fear was the absolute certainty that she was lying.

  “We only had you two months before she took you back.”

  My ears started ringing.

  “Didn’t trust lawyers back then, hadn’t signed adoption papers or any of that shit, so when your mother came with the police saying Slider’d kept ya against her wishes, we had no choice. Then she just . . . she just disappeared and took you along with her.”

  “Had to flee in the night like one a those Lifetime movies. Just like it. Your daddy woulda let her do it, I saw it in his eyes. He hated ya, and you were just a poor little baby then. He’s a bad man, Farrah. Don’t you ever go looking for him, ’less you wanna die.”

  “We hoped that she stayed clean, we thought maybe she’d just changed her mind. She never asked for more money or contacted us again. Back then, dads didn’t have a whole lot of rights to their kids, so even if we would have found you, there was a good chance we wouldn’t get you back. After a couple of years we stopped looking, hoping you were okay, that she’d proved us wrong and gotten her shit together.”

  She was looking at me, I could feel it, but I couldn’t make myself look back. My chest felt like someone was sitting on it, and my arms had gone completely numb from the elbows down by then. It took all I had just to keep standing.

  “Please get the fuck out of my room,” I choked out, my voice weak and shaky. “You’re a liar and I don’t want to hear any more.”

  “I named you Cecilia, for my mother. Your dad called you CeeCee his bumblebee—”

  “Stop! Stop it, you cunt! You know what my name was? Kid or asshole or little shit or piece of shit or goddamn-it-Farrah or get-the-fuck-back-in-your-room.” I heard her sob, just once. “She hit me and yelled and had junkies in and out of the house at all hours—and that was before I was twelve years old. I was yours? Fuck you. You didn’t find me, you stopped looking. I was within miles of an Aces chapter. Fuck you and fuck your piece-of-shit husband.”

  She stood up from the bed and took a step toward me.

  “Stop!” I wheezed. “Get out!”

  I wasn’t sure what finally made her listen, whether it was the way my body started to shake or the way I struggled for breath, but after a few seconds she raced out of the room. I took two shaky steps before falling heavily onto the bed, focusing on moving my hands so I could grasp my quilt. By the time I’d pulled it over my head, I was on the verge of passing out.

  It wasn’t bullshit. Fuck. It all made so much sense.

  Oh God, she’d been telling the truth. They’d had me, they’d loved me, and when shit got hard, they’d given up on me. It was worse than believing that Slider just hadn’t wanted kids. So much worse.

  I was barely coherent when Cody found me.

  Chapter 21

  Casper

  “Vera’s in your room,” Cameron told me quietly as I sat at the bar with a few of the boys. I looked at him in surprise for a moment. “With Farrah.”

  I was off the barstool and striding toward the door before he’d finished Farrah’s name. Son of a bitch. Things had been going so well; at least, better than I’d expected. My girl had kept her cool. She hadn’t brought out the don’t-give-a-shit attitude or sarcastic comments, even though I knew she wanted to. The old ladies at the club weren’t exactly welcoming, and she’d taken that shit and kept her head high without causing any drama.

  I knew, I fucking knew it would be bad when I ran down the hallway, but I couldn’t have imagined how bad it would be.

  The room was silent as I walked inside, the door wide open. A quick sweep assured me that Vera was long gone, but I couldn’t be relieved because a familiar quilt-covered lump was hanging halfway off my bed.

  “Ladybug?” I called anxiously, moving toward the bed.

  “What’s she doin’?”

  I hadn’t realized that Cameron had followed me, but I was thankful as all hell that he had when no reply came from under the blanket. Fuck me. The top half of her body was limp on the bed, but the bottom half . . . God. She was on her knees. She was on her goddamn knees and the bare soles of her feet were peeking out of the quilt, one of them twisted slightly to the side.

  “Farrah!” I shouted, wrapping my arms around the entire quilt to move her completely onto the bed. “Cam, run and get my gram. I think she’s in the kitchen,” I ordered frantically, pulling at the quilt.

  I worked my arms under her, trying to find the quilt’s edges, but she’d wrapped herself so tightly that it took me a few tries before I could start to unpeel it. I was scared as hell when she didn’t fight me, her body staying limp and pliant as I moved her around on the bed. When I’d finally rolled her onto her back, I took one look at her face and swallowed back the bile rising in my throat.

  Her lips were practically blue and her skin was paler t
han I’d ever seen it. She looked dead, but I could see the pulse in her throat beating frantically.

  “Hey, Ladybug,” I whispered.

  She opened her eyes and gave me a slight smirk before her face crumpled.

  “Think I might have passed out,” she rasped, her brows drawn in confusion. “That was a doozy.”

  “Fuck, Ladybug.” I groaned, pulling her into my arms. “I’m so sorry, baby. What happened?”

  She pushed her face into my shoulder without replying, and as I slid my hand into the hair at the nape of her neck, Slider stomped into the doorway. Goddamn it, she’d rather die than let him see her like this. Her makeup was smeared across her fucking face.

  “The fuck is your problem?” he bellowed, causing Farrah to flinch before growing unnaturally still. “What the fuck did you do to my wife?”

  “Boss—”

  “None a your business, boy!” he interrupted. “I want to fucking know what your bitch said to my wife that’s got her fuckin’ hysterical in my room! This is the thanks I get for taking your skanky ass into my club? You can’t fuckin’ stay away, have to start fuckin’ one a my goddamn prospects, and now I’ve got a fuckin’ second-generation club whore as an old lady to one of my men?”

  Farrah started shaking, her tears wetting my neck, and I tightened the hand at her nape to keep her where she was. I wished I could cover her ears while I was at it. I wanted to stand and make the fucker leave, but Farrah was on my lap and there was no way I was putting her down.

  “I fuckin’ warned you to stay away from my wife!” Slider roared.

  Farrah startled in my arms, making a keening noise that was so quiet I barely heard it.

  Fuck it, I was done. I tightened my arms around Farrah and braced my legs to stand. That was when Gram walked in calmly, meeting my eyes before coming to a stop with her back to Farrah and me.

  Slider’s bafflement was almost funny as Gram straightened to her full height of barely five feet, her curved back no match for the way she squared her shoulders.

  “I appreciate you taking us in these past few days, but I’ll be taking my granddaughter out of here as soon as we can be packed.”

  Farrah’s body relaxed into mine at Gram’s words.

  “Woman, I ain’t got no fight with you.”

  “Wrong,” Gram argued. “If you’ll step outside, I’ll get Farrah packed and out of your clubhouse.”

  “Yeah, take that trash with you,” he blustered back.

  “Be very, very careful with what you say next,” Gram hissed back, her voice taking on a tone I’d never heard before. “Your daughter is shaking and upset on that bed, and what you say next could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. She has a family now, she no longer has to allow trash into her life.”

  “What fucking back? The little bitch has treated me like shit since the moment I met her and fixed her fuckin’ problems for her. As far as I’m concerned, the fuckin’ camel is dead.”

  “Well then, you won’t mind stepping outside so we can get packed up. And Slider?” Gram’s voice dropped to a whisper. “You leave her alone or I’ll remember I’ve got contacts of my own.”

  “Fuck this shit. Get that little cunt outta my clubhouse.” Slider sneered, spinning toward the door.

  Farrah’s head snapped up then and turned to face him as he hit the doorway. “CeeCee the bumblebee,” she called out quietly.

  She caught him midstep and he stumbled as he spun back toward us, his face a mask of horror as he met her eyes.

  That was when Gram slammed the door in his face.

  Chapter 22

  Farrah

  Gram had me packed in less than twenty minutes, but it took us close to an hour to figure out the logistics of leaving the club in broad daylight. After all, they were under lockdown for a reason.

  I stayed on Cody’s lap for most of that hour, but we barely spoke. What was there to say, really? Slider had given up on me as a child, and any uncomfortable wishes that I’d harbored about one day having a relationship with him disappeared in a puff of smoke when he made his feelings known. I was nothing to him. A club whore spawned from another club whore, a designation that I assumed came from my long-ago relationship with Echo.

  Grease and Callie came in not long after the blowup to see what the hell had happened, and she automatically decided to pack Will up and leave with us. There were few times I’d ever seen Callie so livid, as if she would burst out of her skin like the Hulk if anyone looked at her sideways. She was fierce in her protection of me, and all her mother bear instincts had risen up when she’d caught a glimpse of my face. I must have looked like shit.

  Callie and Grease got into a huge fight, arguing about her and Will leaving the grounds, but after a few minutes I’d put a stop to it. Whatever the threat was outside, it was very real, and for once I completely agreed with Grease. It wasn’t safe for them to leave, no matter what Gram and I were doing. Frankly, it wasn’t all that safe for us to leave either, or we wouldn’t have been there in the first place.

  Cameron wasn’t happy to be left behind. His anxiety skyrocketed when we told him I was leaving, and I was afraid for a moment that he was going to punch Cody in the face for telling him he couldn’t go with us.

  It was harder leaving him behind than I imagined, but I knew that there was no way I could bring him along. His family had already been targeted, and even though we’d kept his survival pretty quiet, he was still in danger. I couldn’t stand the thought of something happening him. I doubted his father would have let him leave anyway. Tommy seemed to fade in and out of the parenting role, but I knew he still worried.

  Gram and I were headed to her sister Lily’s house, on the outskirts of a little town called Sutherlin about an hour south of Eugene. It was so far off the beaten path that Gram was sure we’d be safe in the old farmhouse, but just to be careful we took two separate cars and two different routes to get there, with Grease and Gram in her car, and Cody driving me in mine.

  The club didn’t do a thing to help with our departure, no plans were made to make sure we weren’t followed, and it was another nail in the father-of-the-year coffin. He didn’t even care what happened to me. It was as simple as that.

  We stayed quiet most of the ride; I was nervous and Cody was concentrating on our surroundings. But as we passed the Sutherlin city limits sign, he finally spoke.

  “You’re gonna like my aunt Lily, Ladybug. She’s a lot like Gram. Quieter, though.” He reached over and laced his fingers through mine, finally relaxing a little.

  “I just wish we weren’t potentially bringing shit to her doorstep.” I sighed. “The fucked-up part of this whole thing is I didn’t even do anything. She fucking cornered me in your room. I didn’t have a choice.”

  “You want to talk about it?” he asked. “I feel like I’m missing a big part of whatever the hell is going on.”

  I took a deep breath and gave him the CliffsNotes version of Vera’s visit as we pulled onto a back road and started up a mile-long driveway, but I left out the memories of my mom. It was enough for him to know what Slider and Vera had done or hadn’t done; the filth that my mom had filled my head with wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. I wasn’t sure that he would get it, how much worse it was for me that they’d taken care of me and then pretended I’d never existed, but he did.

  “That’s fucked up! They just gave up?” he asked with a scowl as we rolled to a stop.

  “Apparently. I guess there’s just something about me. I can’t seem to keep a parent’s interest for any length of time,” I told him with a droll smile as I unbuckled my seat belt.

  “That’s bullshit, Farrah,” he replied, gripping my leg when I turned to open my door. “There isn’t one thing wrong with you, baby. That’s their fuckup, you know that, right? It doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with you.”

  The intensity in his voice had my throat clogging with tears, and I reached up to gently lay my hand on his cheek. “I love you,” I told him for the
first time.

  He swallowed hard and leaned toward me, but our little moment was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of someone pumping a shotgun.

  “State your business!” yelled a little old lady holding the gun just feet from the front of my car.

  Cody rolled down his window, leaving his other hand clenching my thigh. “Aunt Lil, it’s me, Cody!”

  “Cody!” she cried in delight, letting the shotgun fall to rest against her side. “Well, what the hell are you doing sitting in the car? Come on in!”

  His smile was huge as he opened his door and stepped into the overcast day, and I watched in astonishment as he wrapped his arms around the small woman’s waist and spun her around. She was still holding the shotgun as they spun, and I ducked down behind the dash as their revolution pointed it toward me.

  “What the fuck is this, the Wild West?” I grumbled, climbing out of the car when they were done spinning.

  “Farrah!” Lily smiled as I made my way toward them. “My little sister has told me so much about you, darlin’! I didn’t mean to scare ya, but Rose let me know what was going on and I couldn’t see who was in the car. Come in! Come in! I’ve got dinner on the stove.”

  “How were you planning on shooting someone if you can’t see them?” I asked conversationally as we walked up the porch steps.

  “Oh, honey, you just need the general vicinity with a shotgun. Got some bird shot in this baby,” she said as we stepped inside and she set the gun against the wall. “Get close enough and you can spray the shit outta someone.” She winked and turned toward the kitchen, leaving me with my mouth hanging open.

  “I thought you said she was the quiet one!” I grumbled to Cody as he came in the front door, carrying my things.

  “Said my eyesight’s bad, not my hearing!” Lily singsonged from the kitchen, making Cody burst into laughter as my face burned in mortification.

  I clenched my jaw and straightened my shoulders as I followed Lily into the kitchen, ignoring Cody as he walked my suitcase down a hallway off the left side of the entryway. I was having a hell of a time keeping my guard up; there had been too many things happening in the last week. I was off-kilter. I needed to get my shit together, starting now.