Craving Absolution

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I started running.

  Gram left the door wide open behind her, and I raced through the apartment, ignoring the mess as I made it back to Farrah’s bedroom.

  She was on the floor and she wasn’t moving.

  “Where the fuck were you?” Gram yelled, brushing Farrah’s tangled hair away from her face. “I asked you to check on her!”

  “I did.” My mind spun as I tried to process what I was seeing. Farrah was on her side, breathing slowly, her skin clammy and pale, but that wasn’t what had caught my attention.

  Her belly was rounded, thicker, and her tits were too.

  No.

  I dropped to my knees.

  No!

  “You left her like this? What the hell is the matter with you?”

  “I didn’t—” I felt my chest heaving, unable to catch my breath. “I thought—”

  “Goddamn it, Cody,” Gram said tersely as the sounds of an ambulance grew closer. “I warned you! I specifically warned you about taking off when she needed you.” Her voice rose with every word. “You can’t keep running off when shit gets hard!”

  I made a noise in my throat, somewhere between a moan and a sob, and moved closer to Farrah. “You’re okay, Ladybug,” I whispered, ignoring Gram as I lifted Farrah from the floor, making her whimper. “You’re okay. I’ve got you, baby.”

  We’d just climbed to our feet, Farrah in my arms, when the paramedics came through the front door. It felt like it took them hours to place her on the stretcher and strap her down, and she moaned deeply as they forced her body to flatten out. She’d been curled around our baby in the fetal position, and even though she wasn’t conscious, she was somehow aware that whatever protection she’d been providing to our child was being taken away.

  “One person can ride with her,” the lady paramedic informed us.

  Gram spoke up immediately. “I’ll go. Cody, your sister’s next door with Will. Go get her and follow us there.”

  I wanted to be the one with Farrah, but I think I was still too shell-shocked to argue as they left the apartment—taking the love of my life with them.

  Chapter 34

  Farrah

  I woke up slowly, memories of fading in and out of consciousness after Cody left me filtering into my mind.

  Shit.

  I barely remembered being in an ambulance with Gram, and then the bright lights and water-stained ceiling of the hospital before everything went blank. My hand automatically went to my waist, the IVs in my arm pulling at my skin as I reached it.

  Thank God. My belly was still tight. That meant she was still in there, right? I would have felt it if she were gone.

  My eyes opened slowly, and I took in the room around me. It looked a lot like Slider’s had, and I had the fleeting thought that we were in the same hospital, before movement from the side of my bed caught my attention.

  “Hey, Ladybug.” Cody’s voice was quiet, and I squeezed my eyes shut at the pain in his voice. “I’m so glad you’re awake.”

  “What happened?” My voice was scratchy as I tried to form the words, and my mouth was dry as hell.

  “I’m going to tell the nurses you’re awake,” he said, unfolding himself from the chair.

  “No. Just—the baby?” I asked, reaching out to grab his arm.

  His face fell, his eyebrows drawing together over bloodshot eyes.

  Oh God.

  “The baby’s fine, Ladybug,” he finally rasped. “Let me go get the nurse.”

  My breath left me in a huge whoosh, making pain radiate from my torso, and I froze as I tried to ride it out. Fuck, that had hurt. I was too afraid to lift the plain white blanket covering me to see what had caused the ridiculous amount of pain, so instead I just relaxed into the bed and waited for the door to open again.

  “Dude, you could have just told me you needed some attention,” Callie called out as she walked in a few minutes later, a nurse and doctor following her into the room. “You didn’t need to be so dramatic.”

  I gave her a small smile as they surrounded the bed, and her returning smile couldn’t hide her worry as she grasped my hand.

  “What’s up, Doc?” I asked dryly, causing Callie to snicker next to me.

  “Looks like you’re feeling better,” the doctor answered with a smile.

  “Define better.” I wrinkled my nose. “I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

  He sat down gingerly at the edge of my bed as the nurse adjusted the tubes hooked up to me. “So, I’m not sure how much you remember, but when you got here you were in pretty bad shape.”

  “Yeah, I kinda figured that with all the passing out and stuff,” I quipped, going silent as Callie’s hand gave mine a warning squeeze. Shit, I hated doctors, and even though I knew he was trying to help, my natural inclination to be a smartass was rearing its ugly head.

  “Your grandmother thought at first that you were having a miscarriage, but thankfully that wasn’t the case,” he went on as if I hadn’t said anything. “You actually had a pretty bad case of appendicitis, and we had to take you into surgery to remove your appendix. We went in laparoscopically, and everything went beautifully.”

  “The baby’s okay?” I asked, letting it sink in that I hadn’t been losing her like I’d thought.

  “Baby is just fine,” he assured me, resting his hand on my ankle comfortingly. “Appendectomies are actually one of the most common reasons for surgery in pregnant women. It happens, and you aren’t the first one, or even the fifteenth one I’ve done.”

  “Oh, okay, good,” I mumbled. “Are you sure everything’s okay, though? Because I haven’t been to the doctor yet, and I didn’t know I was pregnant for like, a long time, and I haven’t taken any vitamins and—”

  He squeezed my ankle gently, making me pause in my rambling.

  “Hey, Sam?” he called out to the nurse. “Why don’t you go grab the ultrasound machine in room four and bring it in here. I think Mama’s gonna feel a whole lot better if she can see her baby safe and sound.”

  With a nod and a smile, Nurse Sam left the room, passing by Cody and Gram as they filed in the door. Gram had a huge relieved smile on her face as she came closer to kiss me, but Cody’s face was tight, his eyes focused on the way the doctor’s hand still wrapped around my ankle.

  “Hey, good timing,” I rasped, bringing Cody’s attention to my face. “The nurse just left to get the ultrasound machine so we can see the baby.”

  His face lost a little of the harshness, and his lips lifted up in a small smile as he moved toward me. Gram and Callie took a step back as he reached the bed, and after Cody gave the doctor a pointed look, he stood up and moved back too.

  “Hi,” Cody whispered, leaning in to kiss my lips gently. “Sorry I freaked when you woke up.”

  “That’s okay,” I whispered back.

  “I know I fucked up, Ladybug.”

  He sighed as he rested his forehead against mine, and the entire room faded away as I reached up and gently cupped the side of his head.

  “Shhh, let’s just see our baby, right now. Okay? We’ll deal with all of that later.”

  “I fuckin’ left—”

  “No. We’re not doing this right now, okay, handsome? Right now, we’re going to see our baby.”

  His breath shuddered out against my mouth, and I couldn’t help myself as I reached up to give him another soft, closed-mouth kiss.

  “Here we go!” Nurse Sam called out as she pushed the machine into the room.

  “Will you be able to tell if it’s a boy or a girl?” Callie asked excitedly, her hand on her own belly in a gesture I was becoming very familiar with.

  “Callie?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

  “Yeah, we just found out a few days ago,” she answered with a dreamy smile.

  “You bitch! You stole my thunder!” I teased, making everyone in the room burst out laughing.

  “You’re gonna beat me, though, obviously,” she replied as the nurse pulled my gown up and the blankets dow
n, baring my belly and the small incisions there.

  “Not unless I’m having twins. You’ve already got Will,” I grumbled as the nurse squirted lube on my belly. Nasty.

  “Nope, just one in there,” the doctor informed me, rubbing the little ultrasound wand over my belly gently. Suddenly, a rhythmic whoosh whoosh whoosh filled the room, making Cody go still beside me.

  “That’s your baby’s heartbeat. Nice and strong,” the doctor said.

  Cody leaned in and rested half of his ass on the bed beside me, as Gram and Callie huddled in close so we could all see the monitor. Slowly, the unmistakable shape of a baby formed on the screen, and tears filled my eyes.

  “The baby’s measuring about fifteen weeks. That sound about right?” the doctor asked, moving the wand a little more so we could see the profile of its tiny little face.

  “What? Oh yeah. Maybe,” I answered, too enthralled with the picture on the screen to care what he was talking about.

  “It’s a little early still, but if we can get a good look, would you like to know what you’re having? Baby seems pretty active, we might get a peek.”

  “Yes!” Cody and I both answered, causing the doctor and nurse to laugh.

  “Okay, so the heart is the little thing that sort of looks like it’s blinking,” the doctor explained. “Baby’s looking really good. Oh, look, he’s saying hi.”

  The baby’s hand was waving around near its face, and I watched in awe as the hand moved toward its mouth. Whoa. Apparently babies sucked on their fingers in the womb.

  “It’s a boy?” Cody asked, his fingers lacing with mine.

  “Oh no, that was a slipup. It’s hard calling babies ‘it’ when you’ve been doing this as long as I have. I’m normally not the one who does these ultrasounds, and I guess I’m not very good at watching my words,” he told us ruefully. “Okay, let’s see if we can figure out the gender.”

  The wand moved across my belly and I tensed in pain, but I didn’t stop him. I was on pins and needles, waiting to hear if we were having a girl or a boy. When the doctor finally paused, he clicked a couple things on the little keyboard in front of him, typing out a little message across the top of the screen.

  “You see those three little lines?” he asked, a smile in his voice as the words on the screen finally formed a sentence.

  I’m a girl!

  Holy shit. We were having a girl. My face felt like it was going to split in two as I turned my head to Cody.

  His gaze was frozen on the screen.

  “We’re having a girl,” I told him, squeezing his hand in mine. He took a deep breath, and his eyes moved to mine for just a second before he bent almost completely in half so he could push his face into the side of my neck.

  “Hey? Hey, baby, we’re fine,” I whispered, my eyes glancing to the people surrounding us.

  They must have read the message in my gaze, because the nurse wiped my belly quickly and pulled up my blankets before they all left the room in a rush. When it was just us, I gingerly scooted my body away from Cody to give him more room on the bed.

  “Come on, lay down with me,” I ordered, using the hand not trapped between us to rub over his head.

  “You could have died,” he said softly, aligning his body with mine as he lay down beside me. “I left you there and you both could have died.”

  “We didn’t,” I whispered back.

  “I left you.” He leaned up until we were nose to nose, still whispering.

  “You came back.”

  “I didn’t make it farther than the parking lot.”

  “Of course you didn’t.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “I knew you were sorry before you did.”

  He dropped his head and ran his nose up the side of mine, and I couldn’t stop the sob that rose in my throat.

  “I love you so much, Ladybug.” He still whispered, but his voice seemed stronger somehow. “I can’t believe we made a baby.”

  “Me either. I was freaking clueless for months.”

  “No shit? I thought you just waited to tell me.” He chuckled softly.

  “Yeah, I just thought I was getting fat.”

  “You’re not fat.”

  “Well, I know that now.”

  We smiled at each other for a moment, reveling in our news and the fact that we were finally lying in a bed together—even if it was a hospital bed—before his face fell again.

  “I’ll make it up to you,” he told me earnestly. “I promise. I won’t ever leave you again.”

  “Okay.” I took a deep breath of relief as he leaned down to rest his head next to mine on the pillow.

  Did I forgive him? How could I not? I knew what it had looked like, what he’d walked in on. The truth was that sometimes in life, there was just too much history to get past. He’d seen too much and been through too much with me to ever fully trust me again, and I completely understood it.

  I knew he loved me as much as I loved him. But that didn’t mean that someday, something like this wouldn’t happen again.

  I’d forgive him then too.

  I’d never hold it against him, because I knew without a doubt that at some point in our future, he was going to run again. It was what he did when things got to be too much for him.

  So I couldn’t fault him for not trusting me, because I didn’t trust him either.

  Chapter 35

  Farrah

  My phone blew up the next day as I was leaving the hospital.

  Cam: Hey u ok?

  Cam: Farrah?

  Cam: Its me Cam

  Cam: Are u there?

  Cam: Hello?

  Farrah: Hey dude, what’s up?

  Cam: R u ok?

  Farrah: Yeah. Small problem with the appendix so they took the sucker out. No worries.

  Cam: Dad wuldnt let me go 2 hospital last night with grease. Srry

  Farrah: Grease was here? I didn’t even see him. No worries, bud.

  Cam: Ya. Vera called grease cuz slider was freaking out

  Farrah: Crotchety old man. Why was he freaking out?

  Cam: Because you were in the hospital. Duh

  Cam: What does crotchty mean?

  Farrah: Grumpy.

  Cam: O ya. That fits lol

  Farrah: Did Grease take care of it?

  Cam: Think so. Didn’t here anything else

  Farrah: Good. How have you been? Sorry, dude, you were supposed to come over yesterday.

  Cam: Ha. Im fine. Maybe dad will let me come over in a couple days. Prob not tho

  Farrah: Everything okay?

  Cam: Ya. Hes a dick

  Farrah: Careful, bud. Don’t get in trouble

  Cam: Ill erase my texts

  Farrah: Not what I meant—but that’s probably a good idea

  Cam: Wish I didn’t have to listen to him

  Farrah: He’ll come around. You guys are dealing with a lot.

  Cam: I wish he would have died not my mom

  Farrah: Don’t say that, dude.

  Cam: K

  Cam: I gotta go help brenna talk 2 u l8r

  Farrah: Okay. Stay out of trouble so you can come hang out.

  Cam: Ill try

  My stomach was in knots when he stopped texting. Cameron was usually pretty easygoing, and he’d never complained to me before. I wondered if it was the anonymity of texting that had him so chatty, or if things were getting worse for him.

  My house had become his safe haven before I’d left for Lily’s, and the thought of him having nowhere to go for the past few months made me sick. I’d been selfish, I should have called him more, I should have checked in more often. Who was taking care of him? I knew Tommy wasn’t any better from the way Callie had described things.

  The dude had seriously fallen off the deep end when his wife and kids were killed, and I couldn’t fault him for that. But I did fault him for ignoring his remaining child. Tommy just seemed to ignore the fact that Cameron needed him, preferring to drown his sorrows in alcohol and disa
ppear for days at a time, even during the lockdown. It was fucking frustrating.

  I wished I could just take Cam home with me and be the parent I knew he needed.

  Chapter 36

  Farrah

  “I need to get out of this motherfucking cock-sucking bed!” I yelled to the ceiling in annoyance.

  Cody had just left for the morning, and I could hear Gram making breakfast in my tiny kitchen.

  “Then get your ass out of bed!” Gram yelled back.

  “I’ve got a fucking cramp!” I moaned, rubbing my calf gingerly as I tried to flex my foot.

  Shit, when the doctor had told me when I left the hospital that my recovery time would be minimal, I’d figured that it would be smooth sailing from then on. I’d been up and around the house after a few days, and within a couple of weeks I’d been off shopping with Gram, hanging with Lily when she’d come up to visit as promised, watching movies with Cameron and driving over to see Callie and Will. I’d felt fantastic.

  But as time went on, I felt less and less fantastic due to a number of different factors. My back hurt. My ribs hurt. I got excruciating cramps everywhere from my ass cheeks to my feet, no matter how many bananas I ate. Yeah, bananas were supposed to help with muscle cramps—who knew? On top of all that, my eyes became super sensitive to sunlight for some ungodly reason, and I had to wear the blackest shades I could find, even when the weather was overcast.

  I was so done being pregnant, and I was only thirty-four weeks. God, the next six weeks were going to blow big, hairy donkey dick.

  Oh yeah, and I’d started cursing like a goddamn sailor because my mood swings were so extreme it was either do that or scream at the top of my lungs, and I’d already had the neighbors complaining to the landlord. Twice.

  I’d seen Slider and Vera a few times in the last few months, and I couldn’t say that our relationship had progressed, but it had gotten easier to be around them. We weren’t quite friends, but maybe in the future when I wasn’t dealing with Cody’s spawn turning me into a maniac, I’d be able to make the first move. Maybe. I had to admit they were being cool, though, in a way that I knew they were letting me set the pace.

  The biggest problem weighing me down, other than the thirty pounds of extra weight I was lugging around, was Cody. He’d been nothing but helpful since the moment I’d left the hospital, but that was it. He was helpful, but he wasn’t anything else that I’d come to expect from him.