by Jahquel J
Things in the house was tense and it was no longer a place I wanted to be. After losing the baby, I thought Grand would be sympathetic toward me or something. Instead, he blamed me for not being behind him when he left the club. The weight of losing my baby was hard enough, but to have my man blame me for it, hurt more. It was like he was relieved that I was no longer carrying his baby. While I ate, slept and cried all day, he was going out more and bringing his friends over after the club to talk shit about all the bitches that they hit on that night. Then, like now, I would be stuck picking up the empty beer bottles, blunt clips and wrappers. My hair was all over the place and was in desperate need of attention, my nails were disgusting, and I needed a shower like no tomorrow.
“I lost my baby. Did you expect me to be happy about it?”
“That shit happened over a month ago. You still sucking up all the air around here with your sadness. Get the fuck over the shit.”
Slamming the trash bag filled with empty beer bottles onto the floor, I stared at the back of his big ass head. He turned around and stared at me like I was crazy. “The fuck?”
“Maybe I should get over the loss of my child so easily like you did. Or maybe I’m a mother who lost something that meant the world to her. It’s real sad that you haven’t once tried to comfort me or help me get through this.”
“That baby wasn’t shit but a ball of cells. Your ass shouldn’t have been at the club. None of my other baby mamas were at the club pregnant with my seeds. You just had to follow me to the club that night.”
Here he was, again, placing the blame onto me like I wanted to be in that club that night. I wanted to spend time with him and just connect with each other. I didn’t want to be in the club while he got drunk with his friends and then end the night ducking gunshots. My heart couldn’t shatter more than it was already. Grand had showed me the real him and I wanted out of this relationship. Part of me wanted to leave while he was gone, then the other side of me didn’t want to give up on what we had. His other baby mothers gave up and didn’t fight for their relationships with him. I wanted to be the one to fight for what we had. The secret I was keeping was one of the reasons I continued to stay with him. There was a small part of me that believed that I didn’t deserve anyone else better.
“I deserve better than this, Grand. What happened to the man I fell in love with? You’re so heartless and cold towards me.”
“You want me to fuck the shit out of you and give you another baby? I mean, what the fuck else you want me to do? Get those damn bottles off the floor and go finish cleaning this shit up. The man you fell in love with is here and always been here.”
Picking up the trash bag, I watched as he put his bowl in the sink and came over to me. Grand kissed me on the forehead and then rubbed my ass. “I don’t like this place we’re in.”
“Me either. You need to fix it,” he told me and kissed me on the lips this time. With those final words, he grabbed his car keys and left out the door.
I felt so alone and tired. If my father was here, he would have raised me to know a man from a boy. I wouldn’t have wasted so many years chasing after these boys and praying they had men qualities. He would have instilled in me that I was a gem and these men should treat me as such. Instead, I allowed them to treat me like costume jewelry. Grand wasn’t good for me and I knew that. Every fiber in my being told me that he wasn’t a good man for me or to me. Still, because I felt I didn’t deserve better, I stayed with him. God gave me this virus and I felt like I didn’t deserve a good man. What man would want me? A woman who basically had a death sentence?
Meet me at BBQ’s downtown on Livingston. A message popped up on my screen. Jean had been texting and checking on me since he left me at the hospital. I talked him out of coming over to check on me. He’s been asking me out since he left me at the hospital and I kept ignoring
his calls and messages.
Maybe another day. I’m busy.
Nah. I’m coming to scoop you in an hour. Don’t ask how I know where you lay your head at either. He immediately texted back.
I couldn’t respond because my aunt’s work number came across my phone’s screen. Sliding my finger across the phone, I placed the phone to my ear. “Hey auntie.”
“Hey Alicia. I haven’t heard from you, love. What is going on with you? How’s my great niece or nephew?”
“We’re fine.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I lost the baby, so I lied instead. More than anyone, she was the most excited about my relationship with Grand and our baby. My heart wouldn’t allow me to spoil her dreams with sad news. In due time, I would muster up the courage and tell her the truth about everything. That wasn’t today, and today I was going to continue with this lie.
“Great. You need to come over to the house because I miss seeing your face. Have you spoke to your cousin lately?” she didn’t wait for me to respond before she jumped in with more news. “She’s married and having a baby with Denim. We’re planning her wedding and everything. Denim isn’t going to spare any expense when it comes to giving her what she wants.” This was the first time I heard my aunt excited about something that had to do with Hazel. Hazel must have been eating up all the attention coming from her mother. For as long as I have lived with them, Hazel had always tried to make her mother proud. It seemed like nothing she did ever made my aunt acknowledge what she did or was doing was worthy of being proud. Still, Hazel never stopped and continued to strive to hear those four words that probably would light up her entire world.
“Oh really? I’m so happy for her. If she needs help with anything, I want to help her plan. I guess I need to start losing this weight to be in the wedding,” I joked.
“Well, her bridal shower is this weekend. We’re surprising her with it because she’s been so down with this pregnancy. It was her amazing husband’s idea. He just wants to make his wife happy. Hazel really lucked up when it came to snagging him. You’re next, baby girl. Grand better get that ring because I have a feeling I’ll be planning another wedding,” she rambled more to herself than me.
“Thank you, auntie. I’m still waiting for it to happen. I’ll be at the bridal shower. Is there anything you need me to bring?”
“Yourself and something nice for your cousin. She’ll appreciate you buying her something for this new step in her life.”
“I’ll be sure to get her something she’ll love.”
“Okay. I’ll let you go, baby girl. See you on Saturday,” she told me before she ended the call.
After I finished cleaning up our apartment, I went to shower and get dressed. My aunt sprung this bridal shower on me last minute and I wasn’t expecting it. An outfit and gift was needed. If I knew my aunt, I knew she had gone all out for this shower, off Denim’s expense. My aunt was one of those types that loved to show off. Her entire house could be crumbling and she would still leave the house with a smile like nothing was going on behind closed doors. It was rumors in our family that my uncle had cheated on her and she refused to let him leave her. She refused to be the laughingstock of the family and forced him to make it work with her because she was carrying his child. It was part of the reason my uncle was always quiet and tolerated her. You never seen him hugging, loving or so in love with his wife. He was at work more than he was home with her. On his off days, he spent time down at the race track betting half of his check. While my aunt loved to pretend that her marriage was perfect and everything she touched was perfect, she projected that onto Hazel. Truth was, Hazel was the only thing perfect in her world. She had raised a daughter who didn’t sleep around, had a career and a business. Now, she was married and having a baby by her husband.
On the way out, I looked in the mirror and grabbed my keys to head out shopping. With all the heartache and headache that Grand had put me through, it felt nice to have his cash to spend and car to use to get to the stores. I’ve dealt with niggas that broke my heart and handed me headaches, but couldn’t afford to give me a MetroCard to get on th
e bus. He had his flaws, but I never went without. I guess that was the perks of being with a man that didn’t give a fuck about your feelings. Swinging the door open, I was face to face with Jean. His hand was still balled in a fist as if he was about to knock before I swung the door open.
“Good, I thought I was going to have to drag yo ass out of bed.”
“Drag me out of bed? Jean, I told you today wasn’t a good day.” I shoved him back and locked the door, then continued down the hallway.
“Yeah, I know what you told me. You see I’m still here so that tells you just how much I give a fuck about what you told me.”
“If you don’t care about what I said, then care about your girlfriend’s feelings.”
“We’re broken up.”
“Oh, how convenient.” He continued to follow me downstairs to the parking garage. When I swung the car door open, he grabbed it and forced me to look up into his eyes.
“Why you acting like we don’t go back, Alicia? You treating me like some nigga that’s trying to get in your panties or something.”
“I’m not treating you like anything. All I’m trying to do is go shopping and you’re preventing me from doing that.”
“I heard who you fucking with. You already know this nigga ain’t right for you.”
“You messing back in the streets? How else would you know how good he is for me? Jean, you better not be.” Jean used to be involved in the streets, heavy. He was smart and got out before the streets consumed him. To be in the streets, it took one or two things from you and that was your life or your freedom.
“Nah, I just got friends who know people. That nigga don’t love you. He messing with some chick I know in Brooklyn.”
“Why am I supposed to believe you?”
“Have I ever lied to you?”
“No, but I know Grand isn’t cheating on me. He loves me and we’re in love. I’m having his baby; he wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Was having his baby. This relationship been going on way before you and him got together. Shorty in medical school and shit too.”
“Medical school? What are you even talking about?”
“Alicia, I’m being real with you. When I found out who you were fucking with, I did my research. Shorty is in medical school and her brother got bread. All I’m saying is to check on your dude.” He came over to kiss me on the cheek and then headed to the elevator.
Jean had no reason to lie to me about what the hell Grand was doing behind my back. It was crazy because for the longest time, I knew he was messing with someone. It was all in my face and I continued to act as if it wasn’t staring me right in the face. The late nights, the random calls he had to step onto the balcony to answer and the receipt of the shopping trip he went on and came home with no bags. The proof was in my face and I turned a blind eye because I wanted to be his one and only, and make this work so desperately. Getting into the car, I started the car and pulled out of the garage. Shopping and spending his money was the only thing that was going to make me feel good right about now.
Something in my body led to me Neiman Marcus on Fifth Avenue. I never frequented this store; I usually went to Jersey because they had a better selection. I needed to get Hazel a bridal gift and something to wear for the bridal shower. While I was trying on a pair of heels, I stared over to my left and notice my man. Yes, Grand was having lunch with some bitch with a baby in the café of the store. The conversation appeared to be anything but peaceful. You could see the hostility all over both of their faces as they spoke to each other. They weren’t loud or didn’t toss the food that was in front of them, but they were upset.
“Ma’am, did you want these shoes?”
“Yes. Give me one second.”
Swinging my purse onto my shoulder and slipping my heels back on, I made my way over to the café with fire on my heels. With each step, I wanted to nearly explode and punch him in his face. When I walked up to the table, the woman stared up at me and then went back to tending to the baby. Grand just stared at me like he wasn’t caught.
“You following me now and shit?” was the first thing that left his mouth. The nerve of him to ask if I was fucking following him. He was the one sitting here having lunch with this bitch while I was mourning the loss of our child.
“Following you? As if I know where the fuck you spend your days or whose legs you spend them in-between. How could you do me like this, Grand?”
“Oh honey, you haven’t seen anything yet. This is Grand. He’ll disappoint you a few times and then try to give you some dick to make you feel better about it.” The woman placed the baby back into the stroller and gathered her things. The salad she ordered hadn’t been touched. “By the way, I’m his soon to be ex-wife, Golden.” She held her hand out to introduce herself. I shook her hand and watched as she packed the baby up effortlessly.
“Is this your baby, Grand? You hiding kids from me now?”
“This isn’t his baby. This baby actually has a father that does for her and loves her,” she laughed and stood up. She slapped a packet of papers onto the table. “Sign the papers, Grand. You don’t want me to get my lawyer involved. We haven’t been together in forever. Honey, if you know what’s good for you, you will leave this dick head alone.” She turned on her heels and pushed the stroller out of the café.
“I hate that bitch. All I want to do is see my son and she’s making it so fucking hard.” He hit the table and stared away from me.
“This was what this lunch was about?” I sat down where his wife once was sitting and stared across the table.
“Yeah. What the hell you thought it was about? I don’t want that bitch back. All I care about is my fucking son and she won’t let me see him.”
“I’m sorry, babe.” I touched his hand and comforted him.
“It’s all good. With you losing our baby, I felt like it was karma for me not being there for my son. I want to have a relationship with my son and have another baby with you. I don’t show my emotion because I don’t want to look weak when you need me to be strong.”
“Baby, I don’t need you to be anything except you. We will get through this together and have a baby of our own. I want you to have a relationship with all of your children.”
“Babe, we will have our baby, and when we do, I’m going to spoil them and make you my wife,” he promised. My heart skipped a beat hearing him tell me that he would make me his wife. I couldn’t believe that he wanted to marry me. All my feelings I felt about him went out of the window.
“Come on. Let’s go home and I’ll make us some lunch.”
“No, I want to take you out to dinner,” he told me and stood up. Making his way over to me, he kissed me on the lips and grabbed the packet that his wife tossed down onto the table.
“What’s this?”
“Divorce papers. She’s asking for a divorce.”
“You’re going to sign them, right?”
“Yeah,” he said and walked out the café with me following behind him. His answer didn’t convince me at all. If anything, he seemed like he was more upset about the situation than anything. Forgetting about the shoes or the gift for Hazel’s bridal shower, I followed behind Grand. I needed to prove to him that I wasn’t his soon to be ex-wife and that I was down for him. Grand was going to make me his new wife and see that I was going to ride with him to the end.
10
Yolani
Being clean was a gift and a curse at the same time. A gift because I haven’t felt this clear-headed in a while and a curse because I was forced to deal with all the skeletons I had shut into closets over the years. Big Ben wasn’t playing when he said that he was going to get me clean. The only bit of sunlight that I was able to get was from the sun room. Food was brought in to me and all my treatments were brought to me. At first, I thought it was going to be hard to sit in the house and not go out, but it had been stress free. For once, I didn’t have to worry about running each time my phone rang or neglecting myself to make sure that
the product still moved. Pit Pat was between here and Yoshon’s house. Me and her being under the same roof was driving me crazy. All she did was clean and ask if I was okay or craving crack. My drug of choice was never crack, so I didn’t understand why she continued to keep asking me if I was craving the shit. Big Ben stayed over some nights and then went back to his sister’s house on other nights. For the most part, it was usually just me and the sober coach Yoshon hired.
He was a white man that was divorced and into God, heavily. He had kids and they split custody so he was gone on the weekends and that’s when either Big Ben or Pit Pat stepped in. Sometimes I felt like a child who couldn’t stay in the house alone at night. The only piece of the outside world I received was when Hazel came or my therapist. Having Hazel come see me meant everything to me. It felt like when we were just friends. It wasn’t complicated; words just flowed and nobody felt any ill feelings toward the other. I had to admit, knowing that she wanted to give her marriage a chance hurt a nigga’s heart a bit. I also had to remember that I fucked up what we had, not her. So I couldn’t blame her for wanting to give her child something healthy to come into the world to.
Revealing that I had a son to her felt like a brick was lifted off my chest. It was something I had held from her for years and to finally be able to reveal the truth to her set me free. They weren’t lying when they said the truth shall set you free. After telling Hazel about my son, I knew I was ready to tell Pit Pat and Yoshon about him too. If Hazel was understanding and could sympathize with me, then I knew they would see the reason I did it. No one had to agree with me giving my son up, but I asked for people to respect it. What could I give him? The streets was my baby and he would have come second. I’d rather him have a mother who could be all those things that I’m not. If I raised him, he would be in someone’s therapy chair right now and it was what made my choice easier.