by Jahquel J
“Enough of that, Hazel. You’re married and to a ma—”
“Stace, don’t rub it in,” my father chimed in. “Congratulations to the both of you. I would have wished if you came to me and asked me for her hand, Denim.”
“And I’m sorry that I didn’t do that. I do want to do this all over again and the right way. An engagement party, wedding and a proper honeymoon for my wife.”
“Well, we need to plan this wedding before she starts showing. I’m thinking somewhere on a rooftop since the weather is getting better.” My mother was ready to plan a wedding and I didn’t give a fuck about it.
“I don’t want to have a wedding or invite a million people who could give a shit about me. Ma, this is your dream and I’m tired of you always trying to put what you want onto me.”
“Babe, you deserve a wedding, and that’s what I’m going to give you.” Denim reached over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Look at them, honey. Baby girl, you deserve a real wedding for a real marriage. You don’t have to worry about a thing.” My mother patted my hand across the table. “Well, one thing. What colors?”
“Black.”
My father chuckled and shook his head and took a bite of his garlic bread. “What’s the next steps? Y’all gonna live here or buy a home?”
“Right now, we’re going to stay here. I’m building a house in California, so once it’s done, we’re planning to move to California,” Denim revealed. I sure would have liked if he would have informed me of this before my parents came over. This was news to my ass. When the fuck was he going to tell me that we were going to move to California? “Hazel’s shop is successful enough for her to step away and manage it from far away. I think it’s time for her to open one on the west coast.”
“I have one more year until retirement, so I’ll be out there to help with the baby. You better have a bedroom for us, Denim,” my mom giggled.
Who was this woman? She was so giddy and excited about my future. Hell, she was more excited than I was. “When did we discuss moving to California, babe?” I smiled and tried to save face in front of my parents.
“I wanted to surprise you with the house first, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer.”
Smiling, I guzzled the rest of the water and bit the inside of my cheek and tried to get through the rest of dinner. Denim had me fucked up if he thought I was going to pick up and move to another state. I had no desire to leave my shop and life to go and live his life in California. He had more of a reason to want to move back there. His daughter was in California and he had more business there than I did. For the rest of dinner, I ate my food and smiled while my mother planned her…I mean, my wedding.
“Why you so quiet?” Denim came out the bathroom with the towel wrapped around his waist. “You been quiet through the rest of dinner.” Dinner had ended and my parents had gone home. I would say I found out more about my future than I knew. Between Denim announcing we were moving and my mother making plans for my wedding, I didn’t know what I’d be doing in the future. It seemed like my future was in everyone else’s hands, except mine.
“Just tired. My mom drains me.”
“Just speak on it, Hazel. Don’t play around with me like you’re not in your feelings about me announcing we’re moving to California.”
“Why would I be in my feelings? I’m not moving to California.” I was so unbothered by this conversation as I rubbed my night lotion onto my arms and neck.
“We’re not even going to talk about it?”
“Did you talk about it when you announced it to my parents? I was blindsided at dinner tonight, Denim.”
“And I’m sorry about that, baby. I got so excited that I wanted to tell everything. You know that I had plans on going back to California and traveling back here to conduct business.”
“That’s something I didn’t know. Me and the baby can stay here and you can fly back and forth. I’m not moving to California.”
“Let’s plan a trip out there. I got a feeling that the new house is going to make you change your mind.” He was sure that I would automatically want to pick up my life and move to California with him. He had his daughter, business and stuff there. What was there for me? I wasn’t ready to give up my life here in New York to follow and live his life there.
“I’ll go for the free trip, but don’t get in your feelings when my answer remains the same.”
“You have to have an open mind. Don’t go with your decision being no, Hazel,” he warned me.
“Fine. I’m tired and have to wake up early in the morning.” I pecked him on the lips and turned over to get some sleep. Denim had another thing coming if he thought that I was going to pick up my life, child and abandon my business to follow him to California. There was a lot of stuff we should have spoken about before catching a flight and getting married in Vegas off my random blurting in his living room. We should have thought this through more and now that I was lying in his apartment, in his bed and carrying his child with his ring on my finger, I realized that I had made a mistake.
My doctor’s appointment went well and my pregnancy was progressing normally, which was a relief. From the eBook I downloaded about pregnancy, I learned that I was in the early stages and could have a miscarriage. So, learning that my baby was healthy and thriving took a lot of stress off my shoulders. I was sitting in the driveway of the home I used to share with Yolani. My nerves were all over the place because I wondered how she would be? Would she be angry with me? Would she want to see me? Or would she embrace that I showed up to support her process of getting clean? These were things that were going through my head. Denim didn’t answer his phone so I left him a message explaining everything at the appointment. He thought I was going to the shop once I was done but I had other plans. Mo knew to cover for me and tell him that I had a house call for a client. She didn’t approve of me going over to Yolani’s house to check on her, but she gave her blessings like she always did. Not to mention, she still didn’t tell me about her new man, so she had no room to judge or talk about anything.
As I was about to get out the car, my phone started to ring. Grabbing my phone, I saw my father’s name flash across the screen and answered right away. My father didn’t call often so the fact that he was calling had me worried.
“Daddy, is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just wanted to talk to you. We didn’t have time to talk last night with your mother and Denim doing most of the talking during dinner.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t in the mood to talk too much anyway. You know mama, she gotta always take the floor with a conversation.”
“That I do know. I also know that you don’t love that man, Hazel.”
“Daddy, what are you talking about? I love him.”
“I’m still not convinced. I can see in your eyes you love Denim because the two of you go way back to children. That same love doesn’t transfer into wanting to be his wife, moving to California and spending the rest of your life with him. Your eyes nearly popped out your head when he announced the two of you were moving to California.”
My father observed everything. He was one of those people who remained silent and watched everything. Body language was louder to him than actual words, so I wasn’t surprised that he had spent dinner watching me and Denim.
“Daddy, I can’t raise this baby alone. Denim is a good man and will be a good father. You saw how mama acted when I told her I was pregnant.”
“This isn’t your mother’s life. Hazel, this is your life, and you need to stop thinking about your mother when deciding things for your life. Denim is a good man and will be an even better man to your baby, but he’s not the man for you. It didn’t work out years ago and it’s not going to work out now because you both signed a piece of paper that legally binds the both of you together.”
“Da—”
“I didn’t call to hear you try to defend something you don’t want to be a part of. Last night, any woman would have bee
n over the moon with the plans Denim has for the both of you. You couldn’t have cared less and at one point, you checked out and didn’t know what he was talking about when he tapped you. I have to get back to work, but I’ll leave you with this. When Yolani proposed to you, you came running through the door and screamed it to anyone who would listen. Not once did you tell us about you and Denim getting married. I got to get back to work, but I’ll talk to you later. I love you,” he told me before he ended the call.
Old man didn’t even let me get a word in. What was I going to reply with? How I loved Denim and wanted our marriage? Clearly, he saw that I wasn’t happy and this wasn’t real to me. He called everything out to me before I could admit it out loud to someone. Gathering myself together, I got out the car and knocked on the door. It didn’t take long before Pit Pat opened the door and pulled me into one of her warm embraces.
“Girl, you don’t know how much I’ve missed seeing you around.” She kissed me on the cheek and welcomed me into the house.
The house was hot as hell. Just walking from the front to the kitchen, I was sweating. “Pit, I missed you too. How’s everything?”
“Well, Golden and Yoshon are engaged to be married. We’re just really blessed, baby.” She smiled.
“I’m so happy and how’s the new baby? How’s Yoshon juggling being a new dad?”
“Like a pro. He and Golden spoil that little girl to no end. She’s a cutie too. Look just like her mama.”
“Then I know she’s beautiful.”
“Yes, she is. How are you doing? Yolani told me about the marriage and pregnancy. You don’t love that boy.”
If another person over the age of fifty told me who I loved and didn’t love, I was going to scream. “Yes, I’m pregnant and married. Why is it so hot in here?”
“Yolani is always cold. The doctor said it’s part of her withdrawals. She has good and bad days. Lucky for you, she’s having a good day.”
“I’m glad. I’ve been thinking and praying for her.”
“We all have. I’m so happy that we’re getting the old Yolani back. I can see small pieces of her coming through and I can’t wait until she’s completely cleaned.”
“Where is she?”
“She’s in the sun room.”
“Sun room? She hates that room,” I laughed.
We had a sun room off the back of the house and for as long as I’ve known Yolani and we’ve lived here, she hated that room. She always said it was a breeding ground for spiders and that the sun was too bright in there. I’ve always laughed because that was the purpose of having a sun room.
“It’s one of the places she spends her time now. Go on and see her.” She took my purse and pushed me toward the door.
Walking through the house to get to the sun room felt like old times. This room was where I spent time reading or just hanging out alone with my thoughts. When I made it to the entrance of the room, I saw Yolani sitting in the window seat with headphones on her ears. She was nodding her head to music and staring out the window. Walking up on her, I touched her shoulder and smiled. My heart skipped a few beats when I saw her eyes and face light up with joy from just seeing me. She snatched her headphones out of her ears and stood up to hug me.
“What’s good? I didn’t think they allowed visitors with the way they been treating me,” she joked.
“Pit Pat made a small exception for me. I think I’m her favorite person or something.” I smirked and hugged her back tightly. “How are you?”
I swear, it hadn’t been that long, but her color had come back, she picked up some weight and her skin appeared to be glowing. When I had saw her a few weeks ago, she was a mere shell of herself. Her clothes were baggy, braids unkept and she was pale. This Yolani was so different from the one I witnessed a few weeks ago. Whatever or whoever Pit Pat hired had come in and did their job.
“I’m good. Some days I wanna fuck something up and then others, I’m cool and realize that I needed the help.”
“I wish you would have told me. You kept me in the dark and it hurt me more than you knew. I would have been there for you.”
“Nobody knew, so don’t take it personal.” She held my hand and led me back to the window seat. Kicking my shoes off, I got comfortable and pulled my legs under me. “You’ve always looked beautiful without make-up.”
“No, I don’t. I look so gross right now. My hair is oily and I need a facial, bad.”
“Let’s get a facial then,” she suggested as if she could leave the house.
“Yo—”
“Chill. I’ll have someone come to the crib. Come through tomorrow after my therapy session.”
“Deal.” I smiled, excited that I was going to spend time with her once again. “How’s therapy been going?”
“Shit. It’s deep. It causes me to deal with shit that I’ve ignored and didn’t want to deal with. I mean, this bit… woman has me in there damn near to tears when we’re done. The first session had me in the shower crying like a Lifetime movie or some shit.”
“That’s good. It means you’re opening up and accepting that you have needed this for some time. I’m so happy you’re getting the help you’ve needed.”
She smirked at me and stared out the window. “I have a son.”
I looked toward the door because I just knew someone was fucking with me. Did I hear what the hell she just said correctly? Did Yolani Santana just say she had a damn son? Or was I tripping?
“A what?”
“I have a ten year old son,” she repeated herself for the second time.
“Yolani, how? Are you okay?”
Turning to look at me, I could tell she was serious. “I have a ten year old son. Pit Pat or Yoshon don’t know. It’s by Big Ben.” She went on to explain how everything happened and to say I was shocked was an understatement. How could she have a child and not tell me? I didn’t think Yolani ever had dick with the way she behaved. I always knew her and Big Ben’s relationship was weird. Hearing they shared a child together, further explained what I had been feeling all along.
“A child. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why are you telling me this before your grandmother and brother?”
“We have a family session coming up and I plan to tell them. With you…I just needed to tell you with just the both of us. A lot of shit I’ve done and fucked up, I regret it. One of those things is the relationship we had. You were the only person who wanted to give me love and wanted nothing in return. I was so busy trying to find love in quantity, instead of appreciating the quality of love you were providing right in our home.”
You know she made me tear up when she said all those things, right? It’s like all the things I wanted her to do, she had switched gears and was getting there. Yolani was nowhere near perfect and she knew that. I think that was one the reasons I fell in love with her. She knew she had flaws and embraced those shits.
“I don’t love him,” my mind said one thing and my mouth blurted another thing. Why did I just say that? That wasn’t what I was supposed to say to her. My heart was speaking for once and wasn’t allowing my brain to get a word in.
“Why you married him?”
“Honestly… because I wanted to hurt you and not lose him. I didn’t want to be all alone and raise this baby. I had already lost Denim the first time and could tell he was pulling back from me. Me and you were over, and I knew where you stood when it came to having kids.”
She dropped her head. “How do we fix this?” she whispered.
Touching her hand, I offered a slight smile. I didn’t know how we would fix this. I mean, how could we fix something we both ended abruptly? It wasn’t like I could just go and be with her like nothing never happened. The truth was a lot happened and we couldn’t ignore all that went on between us. I had a husband and a baby on the way, and Yolani had to deal with getting clean and restarting her life.
“I don’t think we can fix this, Lani. Where do we even start? I’m married with a baby on the way. You still have
to get clean and deal with your situation with your family.”
I was messing with my hands and she grabbed them, forcing me to look into her eyes. “More than anything, I want this and us. I’m not just talking shit and you know I’m not high. Please give me another chance to make this right.”
“I’m pregnant, Yolani.”
“We’ll raise it together. I can make it work and co-exist with Levi jeans.”
Laughing, I wiped the tear that slid down my cheek. “His name is Denim. You’re so stupid.” I pushed her chest and continued to laugh. This was the Yolani I missed and loved. The one who could turn a serious moment into something where we would share a laugh.
“I’m just being real. I don’t expect shit to be like it used to be, but I do want a chance to really work up to that. Tell me you love him and want to work on your marriage and I promise I’ll fall back and allow you to have what you’ve always wanted.”
“I’m not in love with him. I do want to give our marriage a chance, Yolani. Denim is trying to make our marriage work and he deserves the same effort from me.”
She kissed me on the hand and stared into my eyes. “Then I’ll fall back.” she smiled at me.
“Friends.” I reached over and hugged her tightly.
I had my out of the marriage I had with Denim and I didn’t take it. Yolani knew I didn’t love Denim and yet, I continued to tell her that I wanted to work on my marriage. My heart was telling me one thing and my mind was telling me another. My mind was telling me, just because she was telling me everything I wanted to hear, didn’t mean that I had to go ahead and fall for it. In my heart, I knew everything that left her mouth was the truth. Only time would tell if we were meant to fall back into each other’s arms again.
9
Alicia
“All the fuck you do is lay around here and cry. Get the fuck up and go out to get some air or something,” Grand muttered behind me. He sat at the kitchen island eating a bowl of cereal and checking his messages from the night before.