Never The Same Love Twice

by Charity Rose

  “Keith,” I say, keeping my voice strong and steady. I won’t stutter. “Let’s go inside, I came to the party to have some fun. Not to stay cooped up in your car.” He continues to look at me. And then, as if it had never happened, his eyes soften and he smiles. That was strange.

  “Don’t move,” he says as he opens the door to the driver’s side, and walks out. I keep my eyes on him as he walks around the car, to the passenger side, and opens the door for me. He extends a hand out to me, and I politely take it. I start to walk ahead of him, the sweater in hand, but he pulls on the waistband of my jeans, staggering me back. With a grin, he lifts my hand and laces his fingers between mine. Are we about to walk into the party like this, hand in hand? Sure, this will certainly not raise eyebrows. Just enjoy the moment, don’t be afraid. I remind myself.

  We walk into the party with our hands still interlaced, and there are several pairs of eyes on us the moment we pass through the entrance. The music is playing loud enough that everyone has to raise their voices to hear each other, which only adds to the noise.

  “Yo, Keith!” I hear someone shout. “Bro, you made it,” It’s one of Keith’s friends. I’ve seen them hang out a few times, but I’d never actually met him. He raises his voice, trying to make sure Keith can hear him over the constant din, “I wasn’t sure you were coming, dude,” he gives Keith a light pat on the shoulder.

  “Man, you know I wouldn’t miss a Senior party,” Keith answers smoothly. I watch as the two exchange a handshake with way too many steps and complicated gestures involved. They break apart, and the new guy looks me up and down. I smile, trying my best to not seem awkward.

  “And who is this,” he gestures towards me, “I think I’ve seen you around, but I could be mistaken.”

  “This is Vidya, she’s a junior,” Keith says proudly as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, “And she’s with me,” he says with finality. My eyes widen, and I squeeze my lips together. I didn’t expect him to just be so blunt about it. Plus, was I with him? Maybe he just meant that I was with him as a friend. New guy holds out a hand, and we shake politely.

  “Nice to meet you Vidya, I’m Ashton, welcome to my abode,” says Keith’s friend. He waves an arm through the air, “Food and drinks are in the kitchen back that way, and toilets are upstairs. The only room off limits is my parents at the very end of the hall,” he smiles. I wonder if his parents are home.

  “Thank you,” I say, practically yelling at him as the music gets louder.

  All we’ve been doing so far is greeting each and every one of Keith’s friends. I didn’t expect him to have so many. And I didn’t expect that a large part of parties wasn’t so much the having fun part so much as keeping up appearances, catching up on who was with whom, catching up on gossip about other kids or talking about teacher drama. I manage to lug Keith out to the back of the house, away from the growing crowd of noisy teens. A few couples dotting the grass here and there in the enclosed back yard but not enough to annoy or bother us. It’s peaceful actually. We take a seat on a patch of grass; the sun is long set, and the chilly air has come back. I wiggle into my sweater and sit down with Keith on the grass. I cross my legs and turn to face him.

  “Keith,” I begin, “Can I be honest with you?”

  “Always, what’s on your mind?” he faces me.

  “What are we?” I ask.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, are we friends or are we dating, what the hell are we, Keith?” I might have raised my voice a bit too high on those last six words. Two of the couples near us, turn their heads and glare. I make an apologetic face and wave at them. The girl made a face and turns her back on me, I recognised her as Lorelei Jennings. She could be a bitch.

  “I don’t know how to answer that,” Keith stands up unexpectedly, “I have no idea how I feel about you, Vee. All I know is that your very presence makes me want to explode. I look at you, and I feel like I could, would, do anything just to be next to you. I want so many things Vee, and I can’t have them,” he turns around and starts walking back into the house.

  “Keith!” I yell, “Where are you going?”

  “To play the game that started it all,” he answers, “You in?”

  I jump to my feet and run after him. I wasn’t going to miss this.

  “Okay, so these are the rules of tonight’s Truth or Dare extreme edition,” its Keith’s friend Ashton who’s in charge of the game. “Tonight’s game includes a bit of gambling. Ya’ know, just for some extra stakes, you’re less likely to not follow through if you’ve got something tangible to lose,” he says with a wicked smile. The music has been turned down, and over a dozen people are clustered together in a circle, and a dozen more are gathered up to watch. The lights have been dimmed for effect. A few kids brandish glow sticks that give off eerie blue and green lights. Ashton continues laying out the rules,

  “We can each place bets on the other when it’s time to do a dare. The minimal bet placed is a dollar in round one, five in round two and ten in round three,” Whoa, that’s a lot. Good thing I bought a twenty with me. I listen to the rules being repeated again for a few stragglers that decide to join in. There are now nearly three dozen teenagers crammed into the living room of Ashton’s house.

  “We lay money on the table with a note that says either F-A-I-L or G-O-O-D. Fail means that they either turn down the dare or have forfeited. Meaning they do the dare, but not how it was stated. Good, means they win their cash. Now we’re doing it all anonymously that way nobody here gets offended if their best friend or girlfriend, or whatever, bets against them,” he rubs his hands together and holds up a pad of sticky notes and some ink pens, “Are we all clear on the first part of the rules.”? The entire group hollers out a loud yes. A few especially loud cheers make my ears hurt, and I creep my fingers up to the sides of my face and cover them with my palms.

  “Great! That’s what I like to hear. Now since I know some girls would rather answer truth all the time, that’s why we each have an expiration card. You’re only allowed two truths per every round, and I will be keeping track, for a total of three rounds. Now for the dares,” he pauses dramatically, and his captive audience leans in, “Our dares are not kiss the dude next to you, or go into the closet with your ex; none of that bullshit. That shits for babies,”

  I look around the room, everyone’s eyes are on Ashton, and not a single peep is uttered. The guy knows how to put on a real show.

  “Nah, that’s why we have a panel of judges,” he gestures towards the two boys and two girls at my left. They wave their hands at everyone, smiling, “Before you ask the dare, you have to whisper it to our panel of judges. They will evaluate if your dare is worthy of our entertainment. This isn’t elementary school; vanilla doesn’t exist here. So finally, if you absolutely refuse to do a dare, you lose all the money that you had won, and it is transferred to our panel of judges. They get to ring in the dough for all the chickens out there. So, let’s stop yapping and let’s start round one!” he finishes, and everyone begins to cheer. Okay, now I’m scared.

  The game takes off, and everyone’s eager for their turn, except me. I may have played last time in the gym, but this is extreme Truth or Dare, and I’m just not an extreme person. And Keith, after what happened last time, he’d said he swore off playing games like this. So why is he playing now? He’s been acting weird tonight. He seemed aggravated by my question earlier. I get that it’s a tricky question to have an answer, but still. Right now, all he has given me is some excuse that my very presence makes him feel like blowing up, interesting for sure, but I need something more concrete. The shout of Keith’s name pulls me from my thoughts. He sits there, looking at me with those deep blue eyes. A smile spreads slowly across his face. Everyone is quiet, practically holding their breath as they lean in to listen. I know that look, he’s going to choose dare.

  He smiles at me again, “I choose truth,”

  I sit back straight and arch an eyebrow. That was different. E
veryone starts to talk amongst themselves, guessing what his questioner might ask him about. Who is it anyway? Oh my god, are you kidding me? The guy sitting across from Keith is Michael Kelvich, my middle school crush. He attended Preston Preparatory with me but we never really clicked. By the time I became a Sophomore in high school, I’d forgotten about him completely.

  Michael remains quiet for a while. He narrows his eyes and tilts his head first to one side to the other as he paces back and forth. Chin in one hand. Contemplating his question, “Keith,” he announces, his voice bold as he leans back on his hands, “Have you told your gorgeous friend about your past?” I cock my head to the side, what is he talking about? I look at Michael, his expression is blank. Dark even.

  “What are you referring to exactly?” Keith questions with confidence. He stands and crosses his arms over his chest.

  “I’m referring to the time you raped a girl,”

  The room went quiet with bated breath. A few people, girls mostly, began to whisper amongst themselves. They eyed Keith. They eyed me. My body goes cold. My eyes search involuntarily for Keith’s. He looks down at me, his face is strangely wooden and unreadable. Is what Michael said true? Did Keith really do something so unthinkable?

  I close my eyes and go back, internally analysing his intense behaviours, the constant shift between personalities. His variations in mood. I don’t know what to believe. I want to think that none of it is true that these guys are just messing with him. Is what Brad wrote true? Is that what he was trying to warn me about?

  Keith gets up, pushing past everyone as he walks away in furry; the anger clearly visible on his face. It practically trails behind him through the air. One of the girls who’s playing calls out the first quits of the night, “I can’t play this game with a possible rapist,” she says, the last word comes out thick with venom. I turn and glare at her and then at Michael. I want to follow after Keith, but I’m not sure if he wants my company. And I’m not entirely sure I wanted his. I feel so conflicted I don’t know what to think of anything anymore. Maybe I should just walk home.

  I sucked in a breath and clenched my fists together at my sides, “Honestly—screw this. I’m going after Keith. I quit,” I say. I get up on my feet and run in the same direction that Keith went. Pushing through the circle of onlookers. I hoped I could catch up to him. That he hadn’t left the party yet.

  “Keith!” I start to yell, “Keith?” no answer. I make my way out of the living room and back through the dining area. The table is piled with food and drink and a couple of drunk teens making out. The music is turned up so loud in this part of the house that I can’t even hear myself. Plus, its hot from all the bodies squeezed into such tiny spaces. Smoke from a fog machine rolls across the floor while cigarette smoke is making the air warm and heavy. It’s suffocating. I head outside. He’s nowhere to be seen, “Keith!” I shout again. I run back into the house, to the front door, and outside once again. His car is still here, so didn’t leave.

  I head back inside, where could he be? I start asking random people if they’ve seen Keith anywhere. All of them answer with a shrug or a no. Where could he have gone? I look up at the stairs, but I don’t want to be an intruder, searching through other people’s rooms in the house of a family I don’t even know. I should go home. This night went the complete opposite of what I expected. Keith clearly wants to be alone. But how could I leave Keith after what just happened? I owe it to him to hear his side of things. Screw it, I’m going up there to search for him. I rush up the stairs so fast I stumble and nearly fall to the ground, but a firm hand is holding me upright. Guiding me safely up onto the second step.

  “How many drinks have you had?” It’s a familiar voice. Bradley.

  “None actually, I was just in a hurry,” I say, my voice tight.

  “Where are you headed?” he asks as casually as if this was a typical day between us. I cock my head to one side and cross my arms, leaning against the bannister.

  “Oh, so now you’re talking to me?” I say, anger rising in my voice.

  “I guess I am,” he says gently. He takes a sip from whatever it is that’s in the red plastic cup he’s holding. It smells strong. I didn’t take him for a drinker. I glare at him,

  “What? Punching that mirror gave you a whole new perspective on life?”

  “I never told you, but I have anger issues,” he says calmly and seemingly unbothered by my question. Yup, he has to have been drinking. It must have helped take the edge off his mood.

  “Yeah, I got that when Ethan came blaming me for your outburst in the bathroom. Bradley I really do want to talk to you, but can it wait? Can we continue this conversation on Monday? At school? I mean if you are going to keep talking to me again that is,”

  “Vidya, can we just talk honestly—”

  I cut it in, “I was honest with you!”

  “Honest, really honest,” he says, disbelief sitting on the tip of his tongue. “Come on, let’s take a seat and clear the air between us,” he says and sits down on the bottom step. He stretches out his hand, offering to help me down. I hesitate at first but finally give in, letting him take my hand as I step down and settle next to him. I’ll give Keith a bit more time to cool off. And I did owe Bradley a chance to talk things over. I really did want to keep being his friend.

  “You look great. Really,” Brad says, glancing at me from the corners of his eyes. He takes another sip from his cup and turn to look at me, “Was it something that I did?”

  “No, Brad, I already told you that wasn’t the case,”

  “I’m too immature, aren’t I,” he states. I look at him, unsure of what I should say. He continued, “I’m sorry. I really am working on it. I just somehow view life as a game, like a kid, I guess. One that just wants to win at it,” he takes my hand and squeezes my fingers between his. “Vee, I want to be the man you want me to be. If you would consider giving me another chance, please?”

  I don’t know what to answer him, because the problem is that I don’t have any feelings for Bradley at all. Not anymore. Not like that anyway. My feelings are at an all-consuming level for Keith.

  Keith, a guy I hardly know.

  A guy that isn’t like Bradley in any way.

  A guy that I barely know and barely understand.

  A guy with a history that I might not want to know about but absolutely need to know. We both look up as a shadow passed over us. It’s from Michael. I narrow my eyes and stare up at him. It’s taking all my willpower not to grab Brad’s drink and toss it in Michaels’ face.

  “Vidya,” he takes a seat opposite me, squatting down on the floor and pressing his hands together. “How have you been? Long time no see,” he asks, as casual as if we had met in Walmart.

  Is he seriously asking me that?

  I look from Brad to Michael.

  Wait a minute, is this an intervention? The fuck?

  “Good,” I say curtly with a nod.

  “That’s great,” he doesn’t acknowledge Brad at all. His eyes are only on me. “I’m going to get a refill,” Brad announces, tilting his cup in a salute as he gets up and disappears in the crowd of kids. I look around. I don’t want to be alone with this guy. He was a creep when we were in middle school, there was a good reason we never clicked. When I was fourteen, he tried to talk me into having sex with him, but I wouldn’t do it. But somehow, he managed to get me to do a few other things that I really didn’t want to think about right now.

  He watches me and then stands suddenly, turning to drop down onto the step next to me. He scoots closer. So close that I’m trapped against the bannister. One of the metal bars digs painfully into my hip and shoulder. I make a face when he drapes an arm over my shoulder. His hand is on my breast. He squeezes. Gently at first but then he slips his fingers down into the top of my camisole, and he’s fondling my breast, rolling it around until it’s cupped in his palm. I feel like throwing up. I can’t believe this is happening. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have just stayed h
ome. This is why I don’t go to these parties. Oh. My. God. What do I do?

  “You want to know something—” his begins, his voice right in my ear. I swallow hard, glancing at him and trying my best to pretend he isn’t touching me. He is now looking at me with those dark eyes of his. They seem to pull me inside out in front of everyone. Revealing the awful things, I wanted to keep secret. They burrowed into my head as he spoke, “The fact that a slut like you would be out with a rapist like him, just makes this all the more interesting.”

  “Excuse me? No, I’m not doing this,” I reach up and grab his wrist, squeezing it as I try to remove his hand. Michael squeezes my breast. I let out a small yelp and grind my teeth together. I can feel tears threatening to push their way out and down my face. No, don’t show him it hurts. I tell myself, don’t let him know how scared you are.

  “You were so easy to manipulate. I so effortlessly tricked you into doing it. To think you’d actually thought that a blowjob meant we were dating? As if I’d ever date a slutty girl like you, you’re pathetic,” he grinds me against the metal bars and begins squeezing my breast harder, “Look at you trembling, you practically want me to fuck you. You shouldn’t have come here—”

  “Get the fuck off her,” Michael and I turn our heads. It’s Keith, his eyes are bloodshot and full of rage. Michael looks up at him, dumbfounded. “Did you not hear me?” he repeats, “I said, get your hands off of her!” Keith grabs hold of Michael’s shirt, jerks his hand out of mine and turns him around. Forcing him over the back of the sofa nearby he pulls Michaels arm up against his back, twisting his hand and pushing him down with his other hand on his neck. Michael groans in pain as Keith leans down, his mouth close to Michaels’ ear, “Who the fuck do you think you are? How do you know those things about me?” he roars.