Never The Same Love Twice

by Charity Rose

  I didn’t tell my mom about Keith, but then, just like with Brad, I don’t think I needed to. She seems to just know and leaves it at that. Occasionally mom smiles at me sweetly and tells me things like, “Say hi to Keith for me,” to which I nod and say, “Sure thing.”

  I like taking it slow. I feel like I know him better for it. That this thing isn’t just about the physical attraction, because that is definitely there, but also the mental and even spiritual. Occasionally he shares his thoughts and feelings with me and, unlike Bradley, they aren’t totally insane.

  It’s the week before winter break, and I take a seat by Angela at the gym, discussing the answers we placed on today’s History exam. Soon we’re joined by Gabe who is followed by Brad. I’ve tried my best to avoid him since our lunch date the day Keith hadn’t shown up to school, but I guess I can’t actually escape him. He studies here, and Gabe has become terrific friends with him.

  Bradley, Gabe and Angela are all in deep conversation about some TV show I’m not familiar with, so I go for a book inside my backpack, flip to my bookmark and continue reading where I left off. The hour goes by fast, and before I know it, I’m up off to my next class.

  I stop by my locker, and as I reach in to grab my textbook, I feel a pair of hands wrap around my waist. I smile, I know that touch; Keith. I turn around and reach a hand out to caress his cheek. I can feel the prickly stubble on his face, he’s been growing it out for the winter he claims. Honestly, I think he just got tired of shaving every day.

  Keith doesn’t let go of me for a single second. His hands locking at the small of my back before sliding down into the pockets of my jeans. I don’t mind. I don’t want him to let go of me. If the bell hadn’t of rang, I’d just stay like this for the rest of the day. No one we know is out here to see us, or he wouldn’t have been so brave to approach me.

  I gently unhook Keith’s hands from my waist and take them both in my hand. His smile softens, not a single trace of pain left in it. Keith has been working his way to telling me about what happened between him and his ex-girlfriend; revealing more details here and there when he feels up to it.

  I haven’t pushed him; baby steps. Someday we’ll eventually get there. I know we both have a long way to go because I would like to tell him one day what happened between Michael and I., But we’re in no rush, we’re young, and we’ve got all the time in the world.

  I bring both his hands up to my lips and kiss them both gently. I see how his jaw tightens, and his pupils dilate. He wants more just as badly as I do. He offers to walk me to my class and leaves me by the door. I feel a stupid grin plaster itself on my face as I enter the class. I sit down on my usual seat beside Angela, when I realise that she isn’t here yet. Where is she? She should have been here way before me, I don’t worry until I realize the class is over and she never showed up. I send her a quick text before heading into our next level.

  She doesn’t answer. And she doesn’t show up to our next class. Now I’m worried. By the end of the day, I try to look for her in the crowd of students exiting the school, but no luck. I send another text.

  I run out to the parking lot to see if I spot her mom in the line of cars parked outside the school. Nothing, she’s not there. Maybe she was feeling sick and left early. My gut twists up, she was fine when I last saw her. I don’t wait up for Keith because my mom’s already waiting for me. I send him a text to let him know not to wait up and that if he sees Angela to have her text me. Maybe her phone is dead?

  The next day Angela is a no show, I’ve already sent her multiple messages, and she still hasn’t answered me.

  An entire week goes by, and just when I think she’s going to be a no show again, I spot her sitting near the library. I walk up to her and drop to one knee, letting my bag fall to the floor.

  “Angela,” I pull her into a hug, “Where have you been? I’ve missed you. I sent like a dozen texts why didn’t you answer?”

  She smiles, weakly, “Sorry, my parents threw me a surprise vacation for my birthday.”

  “Wait, it was your birthday last week? Why didn’t you tell me?” I demand. I thought we were friends, why wouldn’t she want me to know it’s her birthday. We could have done something special during break.

  “I’m not so fond of birthdays,” she says shyly.

  I nod, “I get that, so happy late birthday!” I extend my hand out to her, pulling her to her feet, and we walk to our first class.

  As Angela and I head out for lunch, we are stopped by Kassie and her entourage of friends. July is with her and even Amanda, which surprises me, Amanda isn’t exactly the type of person Kassie would usually hang out with.

  “Hi Vee, Angie,” she smiles and tosses her long braid from one shoulder to the other she begins to twist the end of it around her fingers.

  “Hey guys,” I greet the others. July gives me an apologetic smile. I know that July sometimes hung out with Kassie, but she had told me that she planned to drift away; she was just too prickly for July to get along with.

  “So, Vee, how far along are you, now?” she asks. I stare at her perplexed. What the hell is she talking about? Angela stays silent, but I can tell she’s just as confused as I am.

  “Two months? Three?” Kassie keeps asking and looking to the girls next to her for confirmation. They shake their heads and frown at me.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask.

  “I mean, I guess you’ll be dropping out of school now. I guess since the whole Michael thing back in middle school I’d have thought you’d grow up a bit and realise that he just isn’t into you. I guess apparently you still love to throw yourself at him,” Kassie says laughing. My face turns red. I had started to think that maybe she wasn’t that bad, that perhaps she wasn’t the bitch I’d always thought she was. That was a few months ago at the beginning of the semester. Not anymore. There is no mistaking that Kassie is all bitch.

  “What?” I repeat, “Could somebody please tell me what is going on? I have not thrown myself at anyone. Least of all Michael,”

  “Oh really, because that’s not what I’ve heard,” Kassie replies, a grin pulls her lips up into an evil rose red.

  “Kassie, what are you talking about?” July steps in on the conversation. Kassie gives her a look that could kill if she were Medusa, “You can get the fuck right out of my face, don’t act all innocent. We’ve been talking about this all morning,” she says. July shrinks back, she looks like she wants to disappear as she says, “Clearly we thought wrong, I mean look at her face she has no idea what you’re talking about,” July emphasises. Kassie shakes her head, Pickering her lips in a frown before turning back to me,

  “I heard from a few excellent sources that Michael was at the senior party and that things really went down between you two,” My face falls. I didn’t think anyone else had noticed what Michael was doing. And I certainly didn’t expect them to think it was casual or mutual.

  “And who are your sources exactly?” I demand to know.

  “You know that guy with the beautiful blue eyes, he’s a senior. I think his name’s Keith. He had a lot to say about you,” I shake my head, no way. Keith wouldn’t do that to me. Not after all the time we’ve spent together.

  “You’re lying!” I accuse, “And that is not what happened, you have it so unbelievably wrong,” I don’t want to hear any more of this. I turn back the way I can, running back towards my locker. I can her Angela calling after me. I bolt into the bathroom, lock myself into one of the stalls and cry my eyes out.

  “What the hell,” I hear a girl say from inside the bathroom, her voice bounces off the tile walls making it sound distorted, “This is the girl’s bathroom asshole,”

  “I don’t care.” It’s Keith.

  “I’m calling the security guard,” the girl says.

  “Fine, go ahead. I don’t give a fuck,” the girl gives off a loud sigh and I hear her shoes squeaking across the floor and the sound of a door slamming shut. I sat on the closed toilet lid, my knees pull
ed up to my chest, reading the notes and numbers left on the plastic walls of the stall. People calling each other out and gossiping about the teachers along with crude images, of course. But mostly I see people looking for love. Desperate to be accepted. To be held and cared for they leave their email addresses and Instagram tags in thick, black, ink in the hopes that some other lonely soul will find them. Reach out to them. And make them feel whole.

  “Vee, where are you?” I don’t know if I should answer him. How did he know I was in here anyway? I see his shadow pass by the stall before I step down and answer,

  “In here,” I say and open the booth. He steps inside with me, closing the door behind him. Looking down at me, he asks,

  “What happened, are you hurt?” he scans my face, trying to read my emotions, but he wasn’t as good at doing that as I was. “Did somebody hurt you?” he says with a growl, slapping his hand on the wall. It echoes loudly, and I flinch.

  I shake my head. I am hurt, but not physically. Kassie and her lies stabbed me deeper than I expected them to. But, are they lies or is it true? No, he would never spread rumours about me. Then again, do I really know Keith at all? We’ve been together, more-or-less, for almost three months but we’ve taken it so slowly we are still so new to whatever our relationship is. I don’t know. My mind is chaos. “Who hurt you, Vee? I’ll kill them,” he says anger flaring in his voice.

  “No, you won’t. And it was Kassie,” I say under my breath, I can tell that it wasn’t the name he was expecting to hear. “She’s said that you started a rumour about me hooking up with Michael. You know, at the party,” I say.

  “What? How the hell did that happen? Why in the world would anyone believe that? You don’t believe it do you?” He’s worried. I can tell from the strain in his voice. I shake my head, a few strands of loose hair sticking to my neck. I’m sweating. It’s warm in here and only getting warmer with the two of us in this tight stall space.

  “I don’t know,” I explain to him what Kassie said precisely. He listens carefully, paying attention to every detail. I finish the story and when I do. I hear people storming into the bathroom. We both stand on the toilet with the door locked, and I have to throw a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing at all the bathroom sounds. Keith squeezes his lips together, his face red, as a few girls discuss their monthlies and what sex might be like if you’re wearing a tampon. He nearly lost it when one girl started to describe her boyfriend’s strange growth on his testicles, and I was forced to shove both my hands over his mouth to keep him quiet.

  A few minutes and all the footsteps have disappeared. No one else enters the bathroom. The moment I remove my hands, Keith bursts into laughter, and so do I., It feels good to just laugh away the stress. But it always comes back like an unwanted guest.

  “Do you believe her?” he finally asks.

  I answer truthfully, “I know you didn’t do it. Kassie just wants to get a rise out of me. That means she’s probably seen us together,”

  “And what does that have to do with anything, I mean who cares?” he asks. So, I proceed to tell him about what it was like with Kassie and the others at Preston Prep. How there’s a possibility that she still might be out to get me because, at one time, Michael was her boyfriend, but he wasn’t exactly the faithful kind. I figured now was a better time than any to bring the entire story out, “He convinced me to give him a blowjob,” I whispered the last word. It felt strange to say out loud. “I thought he liked me, that it meant we were dating. I didn’t know what I was doing Keith,” I said, leaning against one wall while he leaned against the opposite wall. His arms were crossed, and his face was thoughtful. “My knowledge about sex was almost nothing at the time, I’m just lucky enough that my parents had drilled into my head that sex equals pregnancy, no exceptions. Otherwise, I might have given in to that too,” I drop my head back, banging it against the plastic, “I was so fucking stupid,” I say. Keith looks at me, his eyes wide. I don’t think he’s ever heard me drop the F-bomb.

  “Hey, you are not stupid,” he says. I lean forward and rest against him. My entire face is buried between his neck and shoulder. He rubs my back with one firm hand and whispers into my ear, “Don’t ever call yourself that. You were young. God, I wish I would have still been that innocent at fourteen,” he admits. “That’s all in the past now,” he rubs soothing circles on my back. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to tell my side of the story. Michael, he was quick to blab about it the next day, and everyone was quick to believe him. Not one single person ever came up to me to get my side of the story. Not even July. They just assumed it was true.

  Keith balls up one fist and stares at it, “That dick got what he deserved from my part,” he says through clenched teeth.

  I raise my head from his shoulder and look him in the eyes, “Yeah, he really did. Thank you for that,” I realised now that I hadn’t thanked Keith for what he did for me that night. He came back for me a second time, a girl he barely knew, to see if she was okay.

  “You’re welcome. He will never lay a single hand on you ever again,” he kisses the top of my head and squeezes my shoulders in his arms. It feels so incredible I don’t want this hug to ever end.

  “I appreciate it, but if he now comes after you?” I worry. The truth is Michael isn’t the kind of guy to jump on the revenge wagon on his own, but if it’s worth it and he knows he can get a few people to back him up, he will.

  “I’d like to see him try,” Keith smiles, and then leans in for a kiss. I push a finger up against his lips, stopping him. He looks at me, questioning, and I roll my eyes around the room. He must have forgotten that he was in the bathroom because he laughs than before sneaking me out with him.

  Keith sends me a text later in the afternoon. I was extremely late for class, but it’s the last week before winter break, so Mrs Marybeth is in an excellent mood, which is unusual for her in itself, and she only gives me a warning. That and my elaborate story about needing to use the toilet before my guts spilt over into my pants was enough for her to take pity on me.

  Agent Keith: What are you doing over the holiday?

  Vee: I don’t know. Nothing I guess

  Agent Keith: Well my mom said your welcome to come over on Christmas Eve. My grandmas flying in to spend the holidays with us. I’d really like you to meet her.

  I squeeze the phone in my hands, pressing it against my chest with barely contained excitement. Keith wants me to spend Christmas with him? And meet his grandma! I have to ask my parents of course, but they’ll want to know why a guy wants me to go to his house. It’ll be pretty evident that there is something going on between us, that we are more than friends. Wait, are we? We’ve never actually established what we are to each other. I mean, we kiss and hold hands, but we haven’t had a massive makeout session since that time at the party. He’s just too afraid he’ll do something awful, and I have to respect that to him, the fear is real no matter how many times I tell him that I want him so badly it makes my heart ache to wait.

  Vee: I’ll let you now

  Agent Keith: Awesome. Are you okay with everything that happened today?

  Vee: I’m getting there.

  Vee: You were sorry for dragging me into your mess, and now I’m doing the exact same thing to you.

  Agent Keith: Then I guess we’re blowing up together.

  Vee: Ain’t that the truth

  Chapter 13

  Today is our last day of class till after the New Year, and it’s a half-day. Everyone is buzzing with excitement. The halls are filled with noise; music and laughter and people wishing others a happy holiday. A few kids I know are going on vacations cross country, but I’ll be glad to stay here. I don’t mind the cold weather; it leaves me with a sense of nostalgia and a longing for quiet, dark evenings curled up with a good book. The first few flakes of snow have already drifted across the ground, leaving a thin layer of ice over the pavement. The leaves are long gone from the trees, and the bare branches reach up to the sky, cla
wing at it.

  On the more exciting side of things, I arranged for Keith to meet me later today. At some point, Keith decided he was ready to start moving forward with us and so he heavily hinted to his mother on our current relationship status and, according to him, she seemed delighted. So, Keith is coming over, and I’m going to break it to my parents. I haven’t precisely admitted it to them because I didn’t want it to seem like I’d just jumped over to Keith the moment things went bad with Bradley.

  I walked into the final class of the day, my bulky pink sweater hung to my knees, and my jeans were tucked down into the thick socks that were pulled up to my knees inside my boots. I had the hood pulled up over my head to keep my ears warm, despite all the kids moving around it was still chilly inside. My phone buzzed. I sat down at my desk, dropping my bag on top of it, and peeked at the screen from beneath my desk.

  Agent Keith: What should I wear?

  Vee: Whatever you want?

  Agent Keith: No, I’m meeting your parents. I can’t just wear whatever I want.

  Vee: Fine, wear jeans and a Tee

  Agent Keith: What colour?

  Vee: Wear navy blue. It makes your eyes brighter

  Agent Keith: Can’t argue with my beautiful girlfriend

  I read that last text again. Beautiful girlfriend. He called me his girlfriend, I grin and reread it. My heart is beating so fast I think I might pass out. I’m his girlfriend.

  My cousin’s mom drops me off. Both my parents are at work, leaving some time to myself, and Keith, who will get here in half an hour. I try not to think about the fact that we’ll be alone in the house. No friends, no family. Just me and him. I try to shake away the thoughts that are beginning to form in my head by working on making dinner. I wanted to make something special to help keep the mood up. My phone buzzes and I check it to see two messages, one from my mom making sure I got home safely. And the other from Keith, let me know he’s on my way. My eyes flick up to the message before that, he called me his beautiful girlfriend, and suppress a joyous scream that leaves me giggling instead.