Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  Dean’s eyes widened. “No. Grace, c’mon. We can make this work. People have long-distance relationships all the time.”

  “Kid’s don’t.” I held my hands out in front of me. “Think about Finn. We have to do what’s best for him.”

  Dean stepped closer to me and held my hand in his. “I think you and I together are pretty damn good for him.”

  I yanked my hand away. “You’re not listening to me. We won’t be together. You’ll be gone. My son needs a consistent man in his life. He needs a man with a regular job and stability. Someone who can really be there for him. None of those things go with the spotlight of the NFL. It isn’t fair to string us along like this when you’re just going to leave at the end of the semester. You’re being selfish and only thinking about yourself.”

  Dean closed his eyes. “Wow.” When he opened them they were flat and seemed lifeless. “I didn’t know that’s what you thought about me. You may not believe this, but I’ve thought about you and Finn every day since I met you. I’m sorry you can’t see that.” I watched him walk into the family room, whisper something in Finn’s ear, and walk out the front door. I sank to the floor, the tears I held back rolling down my cheeks.

  I used to think Dean was truly happy we were in his life. That was until I found out he wished Finn wasn’t in my life. I wiped my tears away. I did the right thing. My son would always come first. Dean didn’t want to be saddled with the responsibility of a girlfriend with a child. He needed to focus on his future. And my only focus was on Finn’s. That was all that mattered.

  I loved those two boys. I loved them enough to put their needs first.

  Even if they didn’t know it.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Dean

  THE HOOD OF my sweatshirt covered my head. I couldn’t see anyone I knew right now. I had to get myself under control. I walked at a fast clip to the athletic center. I’d be early to meet Coach, but I had nowhere else to go.

  What I wanted was a fight. I wanted to punch something, or better yet, someone. I had tried so fucking hard. I had tried to be a good man. Like Landon had. But she didn’t want me. Grace didn’t trust me.

  She wanted someone else for Finn. Someone better than me.

  I punched at my chest. Man up, Goldsmith. You are not a pussy. This is one girl. One chick. That’s all.

  I was a bad liar even when I was lying to myself.

  Other than a fight, getting drunk off my ass was another enticing option. Couldn’t happen though. The biggest game of my college career was tomorrow. I opened the door to the football offices and walked down the empty hallway. My teammates were resting and fueling up for tomorrow. They were home centering themselves while I felt like a cyclone of anger and emotion. This was so fucking bad.

  I knocked on Coach’s door and waited.

  “Come in,” Coach K called.

  I opened the door and walked to his desk. Papers were spread all around, and a video of our opponents’ game highlights was playing in the background. Coach looked up and frowned. “Sit down, son.”

  I sat in the chair and fixed my gaze on the television.

  “Who is she?” Coach leaned back in his squeaky chair and folded his hands behind his head.

  “Excuse me, sir?”

  Coach raised his eyebrows and stared me down.

  I bit back a grin. The crotchety old guy knew me pretty well. He knew all his players pretty well. “Her name’s Grace.”

  Coach nodded. “And she’s ill? You missed practice to help her?”

  “No.” I looked down at the floor for a second before I grew a pair and looked my coach in the eyes. “I missed practice to help her son, Finn. He was sick.”

  Coach’s eyes widened. “She has a kid? Is she a student here?”

  I sat back in my chair. “Coach, she’s an amazing girl. She’s a senior, and she’s been attending IU while raising her son at the same time. She has no one. No family. She’s all alone. She only called me for help because there was no one else to ask.” I took off my baseball cap and tugged at my hair. “I wouldn’t have missed practice or the meeting if there was any other choice. She had an exam, and Finn had a fever and was throwing up. He couldn’t go to daycare.”

  Coach stared at me, then leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling. “Are you in love with her, Dean? Or should I ask, with both of them?”

  My stomach felt like it was full of boulders. I pictured Grace and Finn at their apartment. I pictured kissing her and tickling him and Thanksgiving dinner together. I saw the way she loved him and the way he adored every hair on her head. I thought about being alone again and missing being a part of their lives.

  “Yes, sir. I love them both. But my semester ends in two weeks. I’ll move home and then hopefully leave for training. I’m not sure if I’m good for them right now.”

  Coach nodded and moved his clasped hands onto the top of his head. “I’m your football coach, son. But I’ve gotten to know you over these four years. You’re an excellent quarterback, but you’re also a good man. I’ve seen you take care of the young guys and show respect to the older ones, even when you were a stronger player. You’re going to get invited to the scouting combine. You’re going to get drafted. I’ve been around long enough. I know this.” Coach stood up and walked over to me. He perched on the front of his desk. “You’re young. Are you ready to be with just one girl? ’Cause, Dean, your life will change when you go pro. If you want a serious relationship with a girl who has a kid, you have to be one hundred percent sure. You’ll be tempted. You have to think all of this through.”

  I swallowed and nodded. “Is it fair to ask her to stay here alone and finish school while I’m away for months? And then is it fair to ask her to move with me to whichever team picks me? I’m struggling with that. I mean, she just broke up with me, so I’m thinking it’s not even an issue, but…”

  Coach’s mouth formed a flat line. He grunted and scratched the back of his head. “I got married during college.” Coach smiled, and I bit my cheek to keep from laughing. Holy shit, he actually smiled. “Heidi and I met and fell in love when we were eighteen. I asked her to marry me at nineteen. Everybody thought she was with child, but she wasn’t. She turned my proposal down three times. She told me I should wait and find someone better. She told me we were too young. She told me she wanted me to have fun and party before I settled down.” Coach crossed his arms and looked at me, his ruddy cheeks a bit darker as he talked about Heidi.

  “Thing is, son, I knew she was my girl. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. We got married at twenty and lived in family housing at college. We were young, but we were in love. Nothing better than that.” He cleared his throat. “My point is, if you love her and only her, then you need to decide what you want. If she and her son are what you want, don’t hold back. You can have a career in the pros and a personal life. It’s not an either or. You both can make this work.”

  Well, shit. This was not the conversation I expected to have with my coach. I stood up and extended my hand. “Thank you, sir. I’d love to meet Heidi, er, uh Mrs. Kirkpatrick one day.”

  Coach shook my hand, but his face fell. “She died from cancer ten years ago. That’s what I’m saying, son. Don’t waste a minute in this life. It’s gone before you know it.” Coach turned around and coughed.

  Damn. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m real sorry.”

  Coach turned back to me and handed me an envelope. “Tickets to tomorrow’s game have been sold out forever.” I nodded. I’d gotten my parents tickets, but I couldn’t get any for my siblings, and they were pissed. “Why don’t you invite your Grace and her son? Talk to her afterward and tell her how you feel.”

  I took the envelope. Should I give him a hug? Was that appropriate? I stepped forward with my arms in front of me and Coach reared back.

  “Get the hell out, Goldsmith. Get some dinner and then sleep. And so help me God, if you’re late tomorrow morning…” He held a finger up in warning. Coach was back.
>
  I laughed and walked backward. “No, sir. I’ll be early. I’m going to drop these off now.”

  Coach looked down at his desk, studying his papers. As I jogged down the hallway, my stomach twisted.

  I wanted to tell Grace I loved her, but I wasn’t sure she was ready for that. At the very least I wanted to tell her that I wanted her and Finn in my life no matter what. I could be the man that Finn needed. Coach was right. We could make this work.

  I hoped to God she heard me. That she believed me. The next few weeks would change my life, and I knew exactly who I wanted to share it with. The little dude owned a superhero’s costume complete with a cape. The girl owned my heart.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Grace

  I KISSED FINN’S cheek and turned out his light. He was still fighting off the virus, so he’d fallen asleep early. I walked back into the kitchen and heard a knock on my door.

  I checked the peephole and saw Dean. With his baseball cap pulled low on his head, his expression was unreadable.

  As much I wanted to hide and pretend he wasn’t there or that I wasn’t home, I knew I had to face the music. I learned the truth about his feelings, but he didn’t know that. I wouldn’t throw Jon under the bus for telling me. He had known Dean his whole life, and he cared about him. As angry as I was at Dean, a part of me understood how he felt. My life hadn’t been easy since Finn. Unlike him, though, I never wished it were different. Despite all of that, I still cared about Dean.

  So much that it was killing me to have to say good-bye to him.

  I opened the door and moved to the side. Dean’s face softened as soon as he saw me.

  “Hey,” he said taking a deep breath. “Can we talk?”

  I nodded, and Dean closed the door. We walked to the couch and sat facing each other. Dean handed me an envelope just like he had two months ago. “Please come to the game tomorrow. These are free tickets to the family section. My parents will be there. I want to introduce them to you and Finn. Don’t give up on us. I want you in my life.”

  I placed the envelope on the coffee table and slid it over to him. “No, we can’t do that. It isn’t a good idea for us to come to the game or to meet your family.” I twisted my fingers together as my heart slammed against my chest.

  He blew out a breath. “Do you believe what you said? That I’m not a good enough man to be in Finn’s life? You really want to break up with me?”

  I licked my lips. “I don’t want to break up, but it’s for the best.” Jon’s words ran through my brain in a loop. “You’re a good man, Dean, but you’re not ready for a family. This is the time to end things before they get too complicated.”

  Dean released my hand and moved his baseball cap backward. I could fully see his face, and my words had gutted him. “I think we’ve already complicated things, Red. But I’ve never been happier than when I’m with this family.” He pressed his lips together.

  I placed my hands on his bent knee. “Dean, listen to me. You’re being careless, and people are going to get hurt.”

  Dean flinched. “How am I being careless?”

  “You’re careless with your future. You missed practice and your meeting. That could have cost you your dream.” I took a shaky breath. “I can’t be the reason your dreams are destroyed. I already destroyed Josh’s life and his dreams and look what happened. I won’t destroy yours, and I don’t want you to regret having us in your life. I live each day thinking about the people that regret having had me in their lives.”

  Dean narrowed his eyes. “You’ve destroyed nothing. Josh was sick, baby. You didn’t cause him to kill himself. And your parents and Josh’s parents are cowards.” He stood up, pacing in front of me. “You never asked me to skip my practice today. I knew full well what I was doing. And I sure as hell wasn’t being careless.” His voice was louder, raw with emotion and anger. “I’ve never cared about anything more than I care about you and Finn.”

  I shook my head back and forth. “You’re being careless right now with Finn’s heart and mine. You’re leaving, and we’ve made no commitments to each other. What does that mean for my son?” My stomach turned upside down, and my chest tightened. I wasn’t getting through to him. I couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs at the thought of speaking the truth aloud. “I know how you feel about him. You wish I didn’t have a child.”

  Dean’s eyes formed slants, his lips pursed together, and his tanned skin flashed red. I could only imagine how red my skin was. His hands formed into fists, and he dragged in a breath. “What the hell are you saying?”

  “You heard me. You wish I didn’t have Finn. Admit it. Be honest, for God’s sake.” My chest heaved, and tears filled my eyes. I knew the truth. I heard it from his best friend. Why couldn’t he admit it? How could he lie to my face?

  “No! No, Grace. I don’t wish that. Finn means the world to me. I adore him.”

  “You do not. Don’t lie. We’re just an easy way to pass time before you leave.” My head spun. I felt drunk and out of control. I was sure I sounded unreasonable, but I had never meant my words more. I hated him for making me fall in love with him. He made my son love him too, and it hurt to know that all that time he wished he never existed.

  Just like my parents. Just like Josh.

  “You think I’m lying?” he roared, pulling on his hair.

  “Why are you doing this to us?” I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. “We were better off before you came around and showed us what we were missing. God knows your life will be easier without Finn in it.” The words burned liked lava coming from my mouth. His body jolted as he took them in.

  “Mama? Why are you yelling? Why is Dean lying?” Finn’s sleepy voice shocked me, and I jumped back.

  “Finn, baby, go back to bed.” I knelt down and kissed his forehead.

  Finn’s chin quivered. “No, tell me! Tell me, Mama. Dean’s life is easier without me?” Finn’s voice was high pitched with fear.

  “No way, Just Finn. I like everything more with you around.” Dean spoke in a low, calm voice as he walked over to us.

  “No!” I shouted, and Finn jumped. “Don’t do this to him. Don’t act like you’re still going to be here once the New Year comes. It’s not fair. I want you to leave.”

  “I don’t want Dean to go,” Finn cried out, his eyes filling with tears.

  I brushed a tear from his cheek. “We knew all along that he was leaving, baby. We talked about this. Dean’s getting ready to graduate college. Then he’s going to play football, and we will see him on television. But that’s it.”

  “Grace,” Dean interrupted. “I don’t want to—”

  “No!” I shouted, and Finn sobbed.

  Finn pointed at Dean. “You cracked my heart.” Turning, he looked me right in the eye. “And I hate you.”

  “Finn!” Dean called, but Finn ran to his room and slammed his door. “Red.” Dean’s voice was ragged. I looked up at his shiny eyes, and my own heart cracked open.

  I couldn’t look at him any longer. “Please just go.”

  He moved the envelope back in front of me. “Get some sleep, and then come tomorrow. We can work all this out later. It’s the biggest game of my life. There is no one I want there more than you. Please, Red. I need you there. Both of you.”

  I didn’t answer him. I stayed on my knees, my eyes rooted on the worn tan carpet until I heard the door click.

  And then I crawled onto the couch and cried myself to sleep.

  ***

  “ARE YOU SURE you can make it to your exam?” Amy’s mom, Clare, asked. “You’ve been sick for a week. Dan told me he could get all of your exams rescheduled.”

  I bent over to tie my shoe, and my hands shook. “I’ll be fine. You’ve stayed with me this whole time. I’ll never be able to repay you and Amy for your kindness.” I had no intention of calling in favors with Dan, Amy’s dad. I had to join the land of the living again.

  Clare rubbed my back, and tears pricked at my eyes. The pa
st week had been hell. I didn’t even remember texting Amy on Saturday morning. All I knew was that Amy and Clare arrived and told me I was burning up with a fever. They moved me into Finn’s room to keep me quarantined and settled into the family room with inflatable mattresses. I spent the next days in a fog, throwing up and sleeping almost constantly. Clare and Amy had taken Finn to daycare each day, fed him, played with him, bathed him, and put him to bed. They even managed to convince Finn that they were having a giant sleepover in the family room. They rescued me, and I couldn’t have managed without them.

  “I’m happy we could help you, Grace. You scared us for a while. I still think we should have taken you to the hospital.” She handed me a Gatorade, and I sipped.

  When Clare had roused me from sleep on day four to announce we were going to the hospital, I had a total meltdown. I begged and pleaded until she gave in. The fact was I couldn’t afford those bills and I couldn’t be away from Finn. What if the hospital contacted child services? Clare and Amy weren’t family. If someone tried to take Finn from me, I would die. Plain and simple. He was all I had to live for.

  “I’m okay.” I powered my phone on and slipped it into my pocket. “I’m not back to normal, but I’m good enough. Go home and back to your life. Thank you, Clare.”

  We hugged, and I walked her to her car. As I turned toward Ballantine Hall, I looked at my phone. Amy told me that Dean had called repeatedly on Saturday, so they turned off my phone. I wasn’t able to speak with my virus, let alone deal with that emotional minefield. I saw twelve missed texts from Dean, but I couldn’t read them right before my exam. I had to concentrate and pass this course. I couldn’t afford to fail a class and delay my graduation.

  I reached into the other pocket of my jeans and pulled out a note from Finn. Amy told me that Finn fell apart when I got so sick. He believed he gave me the virus and that I hated him because he told me he hated me. As soon as I could sit up, we spoke, and I tried to reassure him, but he was thrown. I opened the picture. We stood together—Dean, Finn, and me—at the park, holding hands. “I sorry, Mama” was scrawled in crayon along the bottom of the page.