Dare

by Allie Juliette Mousseau

  “So, this is your first Christmas here too, then?” I try.

  She nods. “Yes.”

  “How long have you been seeing Sam?”

  “I’ve been seeing Sam since September. I’ve been dating him since October.”

  It sounds like a private joke. I go a different route. “What do you do?”

  “Oh! Josh didn’t tell you … you wouldn’t have understood what I meant about September.” She shakes her head. “I was Sam’s university professor.”

  “You? Really? I’m sorry, you don’t look old enough to be a professor.” I’m very surprised.

  “I was a very young professor. I earned my degrees in accelerated courses. Sam and I met the first day of school. He hit on me.” She smiles. “Anyway, it took a month of him asking me to coffee and a few other incidents for me to agree to go out with him.”

  “Nice.” I think a second. “You said ‘was his professor’?”

  “Yeah, now I’m a co-writer for his band.”

  “That’s incredible.”

  “And she’s training for an upcoming surfing competition in southern Cali,” Sam adds.

  Kate smiles up at him and he bends down to kiss her.

  “I’m sorry we took so long!” Suzanne says as she and Colt come in from the kitchen.

  “We were taking care of a few last minute touches,” Colt puts in.

  Once everyone has said Merry Christmas to Josh’s parents and we all have a drink in our hands, Colt raises his glass and says, “A toast. To our ever growing family, may your lives be filled with many years of beautiful holidays.”

  “Cheers,” we all say in unison.

  “MOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!” Charlie is going to self combust.

  “Sorry, daffodil! Let’s find a present marked for Charlie.” I get up from the couch and join her under the tree. Josh joins me.

  “Oooh, this is going to be so much fun!” Suzanne says animatedly. “Those closest to the tree, start handing out the presents.”

  Charlie screams, picks up a gift that reads Will on the tag and gives it to Josh. “That’s for you, Joshy. Merry Christmas!”

  “Thanks, Charlie, it’s great!” Josh tries to hug her, but she’s not having it, she’s rushing to the nearest, biggest, wrapped box.

  Oh jeez, why didn’t I think about this happening? This could seriously ruin everyone’s morning, especially if she starts crying. I start to dig in to find one of her presents.

  “Charlie, looks like this one is for you,” Josh says and pushes the hugest present of the lot toward her.

  There must be some mistake.

  I begin to protest. That is definitely not from me. But I’m close enough to read the big tag that has Charlie’s name written neatly on it. Her eyes become as big as saucers and her smile lights up the room more than any Christmas lights ever could.

  I look at Josh. He’s smiling at Charlie and watching her, along with everyone else. She’s so excited she’s shaking as her fingers work themselves under the folds of Christmas wrapping and she tears it off as fast as she can.

  She screams for joy!

  Standing as tall as her is a gorgeous, pink wooden dollhouse with elegant, white Victorian trimming. She throws herself at Josh.

  “Thank you, Joshy!” Her delighted squeal makes everyone laugh.

  “You’re welcome, Charlie. I’m happy you like it!” Josh spins the dollhouse around to show her the rooms full of furniture, dolls, pets and other accessories.

  They begin playing with it together, and I’m seriously holding back tears. Josh is hard, and strong, and tough, and tattooed, and here he is playing pink dollhouse with a little girl, a little girl who is falling in love with him as much as her mommy is.

  Gifts are passed around and exchanged, and everyone hugs everyone else. Jules cries when she opens a charmed diamond bracelet Nate gives to her. He blames the tears on pregnancy hormones and she slaps him … then kisses him. Piper throws her arms around Caleb’s neck when she sees that he bought them tickets for a winter Australian getaway. Kate gives Sam a silver Omega Seamaster watch, and he freaks; and then she opens his gift—a bottle of Clive Christian No. 1 in the crystal and diamond bottle. It’s one of the most expensive perfumes made in the world.

  All of a sudden I’m pretty sure my gifts to Josh and his parents are so not going to measure up!

  “Oh, Colt! This is perfect.” Suzanne beams then holds up a piece of gold paper. “Cruise tickets to Belize.”

  “It leaves before the New Year.” Colt kisses her. “I thought we’d enjoy that.”

  “Sophie,” Josh says, pulling me from my thoughts, “you still need to open yours.” He passes me a gold envelope decorated with a green ribbon.

  “Thank you,” I say in nervous anticipation as I open the envelope. “A weekend of pampering at Arrowwood Resort Spa.” The smile spreads over my face. I think of facials, manicures and massages, which I would never get for myself. “Josh, this is so thoughtful.” I hug him and plant a chaste but excited kiss on his lips. “I’ve never heard of this spa, where is it?” I look over the certificate.

  “Minnesota.” Josh smiles. “We’re there for training in a week.”

  “That’s a perfect surprise. Thank you so much.” Now tears well into my eyes. “It’s the sweetest gift anyone’s ever given me.”

  “I’m sure you’ve had better,” Josh says disparagingly.

  “Nope. Never have.” I feel the tears and pinch the bridge of my nose to stop the rush of emotion. “That was a lot to spend on me, Josh.” It had to have been a few hundred dollars anyway. Same with Charlie’s dollhouse.

  “No it wasn’t,” he says, brushing an errant tear and leaning in to whisper, “I would’ve done more. I just didn’t want to frighten you off with something elaborate like vacation tickets or diamonds.”

  I laugh as he puts me at ease. I recover and say, “It must be your turn.”

  I pass him a thick box wrapped in white freezer paper that Charlie smeared her handprints and fingerprints on in green and red paint.

  She comes over and matches her hand to one of the prints. “That’s me, Joshy!”

  “It is you!” he says, acting surprised. “Will you help me open it carefully so I can keep it?”

  “Yes.” She nods her head importantly, and the two are cautious to open it along the tape line, so as not to rip the paper.

  Josh rolls the paper carefully, secures it with a little piece of tape, and sets it next to him. “Just see what I do with that present.” He touches his finger to the tip of her nose, and she giggles her musical laughter.

  He looks toward me with contented eyes and opens the box. His brow knits as he pulls out the menagerie of sleek black photo frames of different sizes.

  “Sophie!”

  “Do you like it?”

  He shakes his head and my heart freezes.

  Josh spreads the five frames on the floor in front of us. “I love it.” He grabs me by the back of my neck and places a totally not chaste kiss on my lips in front of everyone.

  Each photo frame contains something different about Josh—two display the fear quotes he has tattooed on his skin from Emerson and Twain in calligraphy script. Another is a photograph of him when he won his first title fight. He looks so amazingly proud in the picture, lifting the golden trophy belt over his head for the world to see. The fourth is when he received a Firefighter of the Year Award from the governor of North Dakota for heroic acts of bravery and valor.

  Finally, the fifth is an empty frame. I tilt my head to the side and graze my fingers over the glass. Josh probably doesn’t get how much of an inspiration he is to me, and I’m sure, others. I’m taken back to last night’s conversation and the irony of my gift to him. I explain, “This one is for a photo of the next accomplishment you achieve, despite the fear you may have to fight to attain it.”

  Josh stares at me, speechless.

  Another moment passes, and I think maybe I messed up. I’m about to apologize when Suzanne comes in c
loser to get a better look.

  “Sophie, that’s beautiful.”

  Everyone makes a comment, but Josh is biting the inside of his lip.

  Shit! He’s not smiling. At all.

  He doesn’t look up from the frame as he says softly, “I love you more today than I did yesterday, and that was enough to choke the life out of me. And I loved you more yesterday than I did when I first told you I loved you.”

  “Boy,”—his dad sighs and lays his hand on his shoulder—“that’s the way the real stuff works.”

  Josh smiles and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers together slowly.

  Soon, more presents are opened. Everyone got a gift for Charlie, who is making out like a bandit. But a half hour later, there are still hundreds of gifts left under the tree. I realized a little while ago that most have no names, but different colored stickers.

  Colt announces, “Looks like it’s time to get dressed and make the Christmas run. Charlie, how would you like to help Santa?”

  Next thing I know, we’re packing all the rest of the presents into the back of Colt’s, Caleb’s and Nate’s pickup trucks and Josh’s rented SUV.

  “We’re a Christmas train!” Charlie dubs it from her car seat.

  “What is it that we’re doing?” I ask Josh.

  “It’s another tradition.”

  For the next three hours we distribute the gifts throughout the community—to homeless shelters, children’s homes, senior homes, the Boys and Girls Clubs, a battered women’s shelter, local foster homes and hospitals.

  “Your family does this every year?” I say through fresh tears at the smiles we’ve created.

  “It was a way my mom and dad came up with years ago to show how grateful we are for the financial blessings and good health we have.” He laughs at the memory. “When they started it, Sam, Will and Jules were still really young. They had some serious issues with giving out what they thought should have been theirs. Oh God, they used to cry until Dad thought up that ‘helping Santa’ line. It worked.”

  “It’s incredible.” I can’t think of the words to describe how I feel about giving like that, or how I feel toward Josh and his family.

  It makes me fantasize about being part of them.

  It makes me pretend Josh is Charlie’s daddy and we’re a family.

  Finally happy, finally safe.

  That’s dangerous.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Josh

  “That was one hell of a Christmas,” Dad says and brings the beer to his mouth.

  We’re sitting on the inner door porch my mom had built a few years back. The wood stove in the corner adds heat and a warm glow, while the glass walls and ceiling offer an incredible view of the night skies. It gives the illusion of being outside. My dad and I are having a moment alone out here, and alone time in a family as large as mine can be rare.

  “Sophie putting the little one to bed?” he asks.

  “Yeah.” I watch a shooting star streak across the darkness. It’s brilliant.

  “I’m assuming you’re going to introduce her to your Uncle Cade?”

  “Definitely.” I smile.

  “Have you told her yet?”

  The smile dissolves quickly. I take a deep breath. “No, sir. Not yet.”

  “Didn’t mean to deflate you, son. I just wondered, since you’re going to Minnesota.”

  “I’ve started to tell her a few times now. I just … don’t know how she’s going to react. I just found her, Dad. I don’t want to lose her.”

  “It’s been near a decade, Josh. Why would you be afraid of losing her?”

  “I don’t know. Some women would shy away from a man with that kind of violence and darkness in his past.”

  “Not if that man became a man like you, and not if she’s a good woman. The right woman will love you more for what you had to overcome.”

  “I always thought that when I got involved with a girl, I’d go slowly, you know? Open myself up a little at a time,” I muse. “But it’s not like that with Sophie. I don’t want to go slow, I want to love her now. I can’t fight the intensity that she creates in me. I don’t want to, either. And I don’t want to hold anything back. I want to tell her everything.”

  “I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way with your mother.” He takes a drink and says, “You should jump.”

  “Really?” I’m almost surprised at his advice.

  “You’ve always been a deep thinker. You count and examine every step in front of you before you take it. She’s the first woman you’ve brought home to meet your mother and me. She’s special and you know it.” He examines the situation. “It’s also obvious that you’re ready to take on the role of step-father.”

  I take another deep breath. “She’s been hurt, Dad, and she has secrets that I can’t press her to share. Anytime I try, I have to stop because she becomes this skittish creature, ready to run. I don’t know who Charlie’s dad is, or where, or what kind of relationship Charlie has with him. It looks to me like he’s not in her life at all,” I explain. “And call me crazy, but it’s like Sophie’s always cautious—checking her surroundings and looking over her shoulder—it’s very seldom I catch her completely relaxed.”

  We sit quietly together and empty our beers. Dad pulls two more from a small cooler next to his chair and twists them open. I take the second cold, glass bottle gladly. This isn’t an easy conversation.

  “You know, Josh, by telling her what happened to you and confiding in her that way, you’re going to build trust. You sharing the deepest parts of you first may just be what she needs to feel secure in opening up to you.”

  That makes sense.

  “Now, something else to think about—you’re concerned she’s going to hear your past and take off. Well, if she does, then you know it wasn’t meant to be. The woman made for you is going to accept you for you, just like your mom did me,” he says. “But she could be thinking the same thing—what if she opens her heart to you and you don’t like what you see? What are you going to do then, Josh?”

  “There couldn’t be anything in her past that would make me stop loving her,” I say, shaking my head.

  “Seems to me, maybe she feels the same way … yet you’re both hiding,” he says slowly. “Maybe you should man-up and come out first.”

  I nod. “I get it, Dad.”

  *****

  “Okay, so Minneapolis is where your master for Jeet Kune Do, the martial art created by Bruce Lee, is.” Sophie seems to be making sure she gets what I’m telling her.

  “Yes.”

  “Your master also just happens to be your uncle, who got you into mixed martial arts in the first place,” she relays. “I think that’s great. I can’t wait to meet him.”

  Its two days after Christmas and we’re on our way to the twin cities. The flight is only a little over an hour. We’re playing Candyland with Charlie, who won’t move from the Princess Lollipop space.

  Christmas was a real game changer for our relationship; I can feel it and see it all over Sophie’s countenance. She liked my family and they liked her. And that night we talked about fear, it felt like we went over a hurdle, or maybe dodged a bullet.

  I realize that the next week here in Minneapolis, and what I’m going to show her and tell her, is going to either fortify us or obliterate us, just like my dad said. I think his advice is sound.

  My gaze wanders to my laptop case. I brought a memory book that’s filled with photographs, newspaper articles, letters and journal entries that explain more about my life and choices than anyone knows, besides my parents and my uncle … and maybe Caleb. He knows more than the others. None of us brings it up. Who would want to? Talking about it is like a visit to hell.

  Sharing my life story with Sophie … that’s going to be like cutting my fucking guts out with a butter knife.

  When I think about it too deeply, my knees start going to goddamn Jell-O and my hands shake. I keep reminding myself of the pretty speech I gave her in th
e guest room at my parents’ house about fear.

  Yeah, eat those words, asshat!

  “Make the call, scrapper.” I’m smiling at Sophie and her dilemma.

  Britt’s trying to stay out of it as she walks away to stare absentmindedly at a painting in the Hyatt Hotel lobby. Charlie is a little mini-scrapper, just like her mom, who’s standing defiantly with her arms folded over her chest.

  “I want to sleep with Joshy,” Charlie demands.

  “I know, Charlie. You told me,” Sophie says with what seems to be perpetual patience.

  Since Sophie made the concession of allowing us to sleep together at my parents’ home, now that we’re traveling for business she’s faced with deciding if she gets her own room again with Charlie or if they share a room with me.

  She’s frigging hysterical. She wants to say yes, but because of her rep and the way it’ll look to Britt and the team … well, I figure I’m up against one hell of a fight.

  Charlie stomps her foot. Her very angry face is so cute I have to turn away so she won’t see me laughing.

  “This isn’t going to be an issue,” Sophie decides stubbornly. “Josh, I would appreciate if you would honor our original agreement in this business atmosphere. I get my own room with Charlie, adjacent to Britt.”

  Charlie’s chubby bottom lip juts out in the cutest pout I’ve ever seen.

  “Please don’t look at me that way,” Sophie says. She looks around her and at me, flashing a little smirk. She bends down to her knee to talk to Charlie more intimately. “We can still go and sleep in Josh’s room sometimes if you want.”

  Charlie jumps up and down, clapping her hands. “YAY!!!”

  “I liked that,” I tell Sophie.

  “I’m sure you did.”

  We get our stuff in the rooms, and after Charlie’s settled with Britt, Sophie and I take off. The taxi stops on the gritty south side of the city, in front of The Core, the training center that I co-own with my uncle Cade. I hold the door open for Sophie and we walk inside.

  It’s interesting, the places in our lives that become home and the stories behind those places. I smile automatically. I love this place; it means so much to me.