Black Knight

by Svetlana Ivanova

  "Alright, I'll call him tomorrow, is that okay with you?" she said. I nodded.

  "Aunt Vikki?" I said.

  "Hmm?"

  "Did it hurt when you gave birth to Jason and Piper?" I asked.

  My aunt smiled sadly again and smoothed my hair as if she was sorry for me that I had to face all this too soon.

  "I don't want to scare you with my labor story," she said, looking at me with empathic eyes. "All I can say is, every woman is different. Yes, there will be pain, a lot of it, but you'll forget all about that the moment you baby is born, and they're all you can think about. The pain just disappears."

  ~*~

  The next day, Aunt Vikki sat her family down for the most shocking news. Now everyone knew about my being pregnant. As my aunt explained what happened, I was holed up in my room. The talk was done in an atmosphere of mortifying silence, yet I could faintly hear the conversation from downstairs.

  "Mom, you mean Nina is having a bun in the oven, seriously? Nina?" Piper asked in shock. "Geez, no wonder why she’s been acting kinda weird lately."

  "How could that happen?" Jay asked.

  "So who's the father?" Robert said to get to the point.

  "She won't tell me a thing," my aunt answered. "At least, she didn't show any sign of being a victim of that unspeakable crime or anything, but she wouldn't tell who did it either."

  "Well, it's impossible that she got knocked up by her girlfriend, isn't it?" Jay said. "I wonder how the hot blondie of hers takes this news."

  "Actually, they broke up," Piper said. "I still don't know what really happened between them. Nina just doesn't want to talk about it."

  "Maybe she went out to a party and was drunk and..."

  "Jason, shut up, you have no idea what she's been through," Aunt Vikki said. "She's not that kind of girl."

  But her voice was drained of vehemence as she spoke.

  "So what are you going to do with her?" Robert asked. "Is she going to keep the baby anyway?"

  "She has the right to decide whether to keep the child or not, Rob," my aunt said. "And I feel responsible for what happened to her. We have to help Nina getting through this. She's a good girl. She wouldn't need us if she didn't have to."

  "Well, I'm just asking, honey," he replied.

  But I knew Robert was more relieved that none of his kids got pregnant or got someone pregnant.

  "Why did I even agree to let her stay home alone in the first place?" Aunt Vikki blamed herself. "I thought she would be with Allecra, and the girl should've protected her."

  "Mom, I told you, you were bewitched by that Allecra girl," Jay said.

  I felt guilty all over again, and I didn't want them to blame Allecra alone. Everything was just a terrible mess.

  "We have to give Nina some space," Robert said again. "When she's ready, she will open up more."

  "You're right," my aunt said. "Now I have to make a call with Pyotr about it. It will be a great shock to him, but I guess it can't be helped."

  My heart fluttered at that. I felt the shivering chill went through me at the thought of my dad finally discovered what happened to his daughter.

  Another ten minutes later, we heard Aunt Vikki talking to my dad in Russian, and it didn't sound good. I was standing at the top of the stairs, listening.

  "No, it's not the case of sexual abuse....Yes, I'm sure of it...No, she won't tell me—calm down I...sorry...I know how you feel, brother, but you're not going to come to America to kill anyone who did it, okay?...I'm sorry if you don't calm the hell down, I'll hang up now..."

  A long pause later, they started talking again. I didn't even know I was shaking until then. I decided to stop listening and ran back to my room.

  Without turning on the light, I sat on the floor by my bed and hugged myself, wishing the trembling to go away.

  Surely, my dad was gravely disappointed in me. I thought of his difficulty raising a child alone since my mom died. I should've understood how lucky I was for his loving care. And now look at how I repaid him.

  A soft knock on my door startled me. I got up to open it and saw my aunt there. She looked at me apologetically and held up her phone to me.

  "He wants to talk with you," she said.

  I was reluctant to take it, but she encouraged me with a nod.

  "Don't worry, he just wants to talk," she said.

  I finally took the phone from her and pressed it against my ear. My hand shook.

  "Nina?" came my father's voice. It was not hostile and furious like I had expected. In fact, he sounded worried.

  "Dad," I said.

  My aunt let me have some privacy and left the room.

  "It's all my fault," my dad spoke to my surprise. "My little Nina doesn't deserve this. I shouldn't have let you go to that country. I've made a big mistake, Nina, I'm sorry."

  I was stunned. Tears spilled down my cheeks at the tormented voice of my father. I started to cry.

  "No, dad, don't say that," I sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

  He didn't ask me anything else. He knew it was pointless. All I told him was I didn't want to him to come over, that I would be fine with my aunt's care. We talked for a while before we decided to say goodbye.

  But before we hung up, I told my dad for the first time since I came here that I loved him.

  CHAPTER 47

  School started after summer folded itself over and left the world. Piper let me ride with her on the first day. I didn't think I could do it. My hands couldn't stop trembling, and once I was there, I was even more shaken by all the noises.

  The first period, I was late because I forgot the combinations of my locker and had to try again and again. I convinced myself that no one would notice me and know I was carrying a baby.

  It wasn't that I was ashamed of having the little one. I was still ambivalent with the things that had transformed in my life. It felt like I was living in a parallel world where I saw myself and Allecra from everywhere I looked — the parking lot, the hallways, the Pepper tree, or the window seat.

  Outside the building, it was raining the first autumn rain. It poured straight down without any wind, soaking every single tree. I was sitting in my desk in Advanced Language Arts, looking at the rainfall. The seat next to mine was empty, and I came to accept that one period of my life was over forever.

  When I opened my notebook, it was like an arrow of lightning had struck my heart. Nothing could prepare me for this immense pain. The cartoon drawing I did of Allecra with her frowning brows and the seagulls crying 'boohoo' made my eyes burn with tears.

  A student walked passed my desk, and I turned away to hide my face. My throat ached from the swelling lump. I flipped the page and wished I could feel numb again, but another wave of nostalgia hit me as the post-it note contained Allecra's poem glared at me.

  Don't fall in love with a sailor boy,

  He won't set your heart free,

  O don't fall in love with a sailor boy,

  He'll take your heart to sea.

  They were just words strung together like pearls and soundless on a page, but their power could rip and tear the heart to pieces, burning it to a cinder. I covered my mouth to muffle the sound of my grievous whimper. A few students noticed me, but I quickly wiped my eyes and closed the book. I felt the curious stares, but I ignored them.

  After class, a familiar voice called my name. It was Jordan. I hardly recognized her at first. She'd a new look. I remembered her corn-silk hair was long and straight. Now it had nice waves and fell over her shoulders elegantly. Her skin too was glowing like most girls after the summer. I was glad to see her again. She came right up and hugged me with a big smile on her face, saying it was nice to see me. I told her the same.

  “How are you?” she asked.

  “Fine,” I said, but the word sounded weak. I tried to mask it with a bright smile. "I like your new hair, Jordan."

  "Oh really?" Her face lit up.

  "Yeah, I think you look great.”

  "Great en
ough to melt all the girls in the world into puddles?" Jordan teased. I giggled back. Then I was amazed that I could do it genuinely and easily with her. Jordan seemed to have a knack of making people feel better even when they were secretly sad. And I knew at least I still had a friend with me. My day began to have a little sunshine in it. And that was when I thought to myself 'If a flower could bloom again after winter passed, then so could I'. For my little one and for me, there was no time to be crippled by a broken-heart anymore.

  "You look different, Nina," Jordan said. She might have noticed that I had put on some weight since I had always been skinny. "So how's everything with you?"

  "Everything's okay," I said and quickly asked about other trivial things, trying to avert the conversation from talking about me. Jordan got the hint that something was off, but she didn't try to pry.

  "Oh by the way, congrats on winning the contest," she said.

  "What contest?" I was surprised.

  "Didn't you join a creative writing contest?" Jordan raised an eyebrow at me. "I saw your picture on the bulletin board! You got first place!"

  "Oh I didn't know," I said, even more surprised. "I thought I wouldn't even get short-listed to be honest."

  "You should be proud! So many entries this years, and you got it. What is your story? The White Raven? It sounds interesting. I can't wait to read it on our school newspaper."

  I blushed.

  "Thanks for letting me know about my unaware fame," I tried to joke.

  "Then can I be the first to get your autograph, Miss. Antonina Black?" She replied.

  We both burst out laughing. It was nice to laugh with someone again.

  The school bell rang, and we had to leave for our other classes. I promised to catch up with her later.

  The next few days, everything began to get better. All those thoughts of Allecra were like the unexpected guests. I would welcome them and then let them leave in their own time.

  In fact, a lot had changed over the summer. I heard from Jay that Jack Conner had transferred to another school for real. So I wasn't afraid someone would bother me anymore. Even that crazy guy who at one point tried to assault me was gone.

  Between classes, Piper would text me to see if I was okay. Piper and Jay were told to keep an eye on me, and they did. But people started noticing the absence of the Knight siblings. Everybody began looking at me as if they could find the answer on my face.

  To satisfy their curiosity, a few brave souls even came up to me and asked about Allecra, the ancient goddess with blonde hair, where is she? I told them I didn't know. Soon they gave up, assuming Allecra had dumped me and left, like all gods and their affairs with mortals or just how a cheesy teenage love should end these days.

  By the time I met Jordan again in biology class that week, she already knew what had happened. One day when she didn't have lunch with her girlfriend Rachel, she found me eating alone on a bend outside the cafeteria.

  I decided it was time she should know about me and Allecra. Of course, I didn't tell her of the little one inside me or the whole Arzurians and my extraterrestrial love life. Just some stuff that I was sure my friend could humanly accept. Jordan listened and didn't ask questions. She knew I would tell her things only if I wanted to.

  "I couldn't imagine anyone would want to let you go, Nina," Jordan said at last.

  "She didn't," I said. "I let her go."

  My friend stayed silent. She looked at me for a long moment before she spoke again.

  "Why?"

  "Everything between us was like a poor imitation of the twisted plot in Shakespeare's play,” I said with a dry chuckle. “It's not just about two people being madly in love and life is complete. The ending is a lot less glamorous in reality. It can be a tragedy. But no matter what, I regretted nothing."

  "I know there's more to it,” Jordan said. “But if you feel like crying, I have a fairly soft shoulder to lean on."

  I smiled, but the sadness still lingered on my face.

  "Thank you, Jordan, I have cried enough," I said with a shake of my head. "Then again love is always short, isn't it? A weakling heart like mine would take longer to recover."

  Jordan reached across the table for my hands and squeezed them.

  "Having a soft heart in a cruel world is not weakness, Nina, it’s a sign of courage," she said. "And I admire you for that."

  I smiled again a little brighter this time.

  “Thank you, Jordan.”

  ~*~

  Although people at school ignored me as they got on with their lives, I had other problems to deal with. Aunt Vikki had talked to the principal and reassured the school counselors under my request about my situation. They must have had pregnant teens before that everything went smoothly. Now I could continue my studies as I wished.

  My aunt no longer allowed me to do anything but rest, because I had a lot of morning sickness that went on for two or three weeks. I would projectile vomit like never before. It got that bad to the point I thought I might lose the little one. I wasn't keeping anything down, not even water.

  I began getting sent to the nurse office at school. Twice I was put on IV as I was very dehydrated.

  Some days, my feet could swell so much that I wished I could wear bathroom slippers to school instead. My hips displaced, and I tried to walk without crying when I awoke. I was also recommended a series of medical tests to check my weight, blood pressure, uterus growth, and baby's heartbeat.

  But during that time, I didn't remember feeling anything other than shock and fear that I had to look after my baby and begged the little one to stay with me.

  I missed school for several days on end. Jordan called to check on me. She was worried. I told her I was just sick and asked her about any class work we might have. She was getting suspicious. I was sick so often. My attendance went downward spiral.

  I was feeling lonely and scared. Sometimes, I walked around the room crying to myself, unable to lie down because of my back pain and emotional stress. I didn't know what to do. But when my dad called during the weekends, I told him everything was alright, and I was doing fine. I didn't want to worry him even more.

  But the third months into my pregnancy, I felt the new change in me. It started with a pleasant wave of calmness that washed over my entire body like a warm blanket.

  The mental fog and stress I'd been carrying around vanished slowly. The sounds that didn't even register before began to make sense again. Soon, I reached a level of alertness and concentration I needed. It was like walking around on a winter day after it just snowed.

  I started going back to school and did my schoolwork as best as I could. I paid close attention in class. Everything else just drifted by like background noises. Jordan started paying more attention to me. After the end of each class, she walked me through the hallway until Rachel showed up, and we said goodbye.

  I felt a lot better by the end of the third month. The morning sickness was eventually fading away, giving in a rush of food cravings. Aunt Vikki had hired the cook back. She made sure I had plenty of fruits and vegetables and foods rich in high fiber in my diet. She only wanted me to rest and exercise and not to study too much.

  Piper sometimes took me shopping for baby clothes. And she seemed even more excited browsing for infant items than I was.

  Although Robert and Jay mostly avoided awkwardness with me around the house, they helped setting up a crib in my room for the little one, too.

  On top of that, there was a plethora of advises and suggestions from our gynecologist. When I had times, I tried to read to my baby or listen to Mozart's soothing clarinet concertos, which the doctor had recommended for pregnant mothers. At night, I wrote letters to Allecra and stared at the dazzling stars in the sky.

  That was how my life was at that time.

  ~*~

  The autumn sun glared down brightly through the clouds, but the arrival of nights became noticeably early as it was the transition from summer to winter. Halloween drew in. My maternal emot
ions were so affected when I saw those little kids trotting in their monster or hero customs up our garden for 'trick or treat'. They just seized my heart with adoration and joy.

  In Thanksgiving, Robert and my aunt had a big dinner with our neighbors while I stayed in my room. I told them I wasn't feeling well, but I just didn't feel like meeting anyone.

  Towards the end of the year, my stomach had grown bigger week by week. I wore dresses that wouldn't make me look too obvious, but it was like the proverbial elephant in the room.

  At the hallway and in class, I started getting stared at and hearing whispers behind my back.

  'Is she?'

  'Sure is! Look at her bump.'

  'She's too young, gosh, how silly."

  'Typical, that's what they said about Russian girls.'

  Some of the teachers expressed their disappointments by ignoring me, acting like I was a ghost of their former student.

  But they didn't know my story.

  I told myself that in a few more weeks, I would take my exams and would be graduated. Now it was more important to have my credits and SAT score in order then I would be out of here. Yet it wasn't easy being pregnant while trying to endure all the criticism. I felt like it was going on forever.

  One particular evening, Piper brought home a book called A Hundred Baby Names, which listed names and their meaning.

  Piper read a lot of names out loud. Many of them would not do at all. Philbert, which means "superior”, sounded good for a boy, but Jay said, at school, boys would call him a nut. My aunt suggested names that were Russian like Ekaterina or Elizaveta for a girl. Robert thought they were too fancy and quite a mouthful. However, I appreciated that the family was slowly accepting my baby in the most subtle ways. I was truly lucky.

  In the end, we couldn't agree on any name since we weren't sure whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. I had decided not to find out my baby's gender anyway.

  What if the little one was born like Allecra? I thought to myself.

  Now I realized I had never considered the full complication of the birth. I never visualized my baby would be anything other than normal and that he or she definitely deserved a chance at a normal human life.