Know Me, Keep Me (Full Heart Ranch Series Book 3)

by Barbara Gee

  The burden once again felt too heavy.

  * * *

  Jolene got into bed with her iPad, checking over the PT schedule for the next day, like she always did before going to bed. She winced when she saw that Charlie Janson was her first appointment in the morning, following her session with Boone.

  Charlie was a handsome, wise-cracking guy with a gorgeous young wife of three years. He had lost both legs a year and a half ago, both of them just below the knee. He was always joking and laughing, but his humor had a nasty edge to it. Jolene had sensed right away it was a cover for bitterness that ran deep. Her suspicions had been confirmed when his wife, Andi, had stopped by her office yesterday, after Charlie had gone on to another activity.

  Andi had confessed that Charlie was having a lot of trouble adjusting to his new normal, and he refused to stay in treatment for his PTSD. He’d only come to the retreat center because his best friend had signed up, and Charlie didn’t want to be left behind. He acted like he was having the time of his life, but Jolene could tell he wasn’t taking it seriously, and his wife agreed that she didn’t expect anything to change after they got back home to Georgia.

  Jolene’s heart had gone out to Andi. The girl loved her husband dearly and was scared of what he might do if he didn’t get help. When he was alone, his despair was so deep she was terrified he would do something rash and horrible. And because Andi had to work a lot of overtime to pay their bills, he spent way too much time by himself. It killed him that he couldn’t find a job to help take the pressure off of her, but instead of being grateful for her willingness to support them, he lashed out every chance he got. The constant tension and lack of time together was taking a terrible toll on their relationship, and Andi was at a loss as to how to fix it.

  She’d convinced Charlie to meet with a couple of different mental health professionals over the past year, but he’d always come up with an excuse not to go back for a second appointment. Not even when Andi had begged and pleaded with him to go. Deep down he still loved her enough to try to make her happy, but so far he wasn’t willing to put in the work to change and build a new life with what they had.

  None of the people he’d fleetingly met with had been able to help. Charlie refused to take any medications, because his parents had both been drug addicts and he had a fear of becoming like them. Jolene understood that, but she also knew that without help, Charlie was a time bomb. Andi obviously knew that too. The girl had dark shadows under her lovely eyes, depicting her constant worry and exhaustion.

  Jolene had liked Andi right away, and after their long talk she’d encouraged her to meet with one of their staff psychologists, not to ask about help for Charlie, but to get help for herself. The girl was going to break under all the stress if she didn’t find ways to cope, and Jolene assured her it wasn’t selfish to focus a little bit of time on herself rather than just giving everything she had to try to help her husband.

  Andi had promised to try to get an appointment, but she didn’t want Charlie to find out. Knowing he’d driven her to seek counselling would only add to his frustration and self-loathing. Jolene assured the girl that if she made an appointment and let her know what time it was, she would find out what Charlie was doing at that time and make sure he was kept there until Andi was safely away from the psychologist’s office.

  Jolene shut off her iPad and settled into her pillow. Hopefully Andi could make an appointment during the time that Charlie would be in the rink working on his sled technique. It would be easy for Jolene to have Boone keep him on the ice a little bit longer.

  Of course that thought brought her mind back to Boone. She closed her eyes and played back their evening together. While they were sitting on a rock at the top of the butte, Boone had told her more about becoming a player in the NHL. He’d signed with the Blackhawks at twenty, expecting to spend a year or two on their developmental team in the AHL, but after only three months, an injury to one of the Blackhawks’ centers had resulted in him being called up to fill in. Fortunately he’d performed well right from the beginning, scoring his first NHL goal in his second outing with the team. Soon he’d earned himself a permanent spot on the team, and he’d played with that club for seven years.

  His trade had been a bombshell move. No one had expected it, and Jolene knew many of the Chicago fans still hadn’t forgiven the team’s management for going through with it. But they’d needed a starting goalie in the worst way, and the Minnesota Wild found themselves with two first string goalies, neither of whom was content to sit the bench in half their games.

  So the deal had been worked out. In exchange for Boone, Chicago had gotten their goalie, a pretty decent right winger, and an early round draft pick. The Wild had gotten Boone with a five year contract, and they were thrilled with the deal. He had admitted to Jolene that getting thrown in with a new team had been tough at first, and he felt the weight of expectation heavy on his shoulders. But he and Jax had developed an almost instant bond, and that made all the difference.

  Jax was on the quiet side. He wasn’t the natural leader Boone was, but he had the respect of his teammates almost without exception. When he accepted Boone into their ranks, the others followed suit. Thankfully his play had also continued at the highest level, and that never hurt when trying to find your place as the new guy. He’d been shocked when he’d been named Captain right before the current season, but no one else was. He was a natural for the position.

  Jolene had been spellbound by the behind-the-scenes look from a player’s perspective, and her admiration for him continued to grow. Staying true to himself and to Christ while living in the spotlight with constant pressure couldn’t be easy, but Boone was doing it. He was amazing and, quite frankly, everything she’d ever hoped to find in a man.

  Not that it mattered.

  She sighed and rolled onto her side. In spite of their mutual attraction, Boone was out of her reach. Sure, he claimed he’d one day be ready for more than friendship, but Jolene couldn’t see that happening. Giving up her job here on the ranch wasn’t a possibility she was ready to explore at this point, and with Boone’s busy schedule and frequent travel, she didn’t see how a relationship would ever be possible.

  Her eyelids got heavier as she weighed the possibilities, trying to find a way she could fit into his life and still contribute to the retreat center she’d come to love so dearly. It was too much for her tired mind to figure out, and she felt herself drifting off to sleep without coming to any conclusions. Maybe things would be clearer in the morning.

  CHAPTER 19

  Izzy showed up early again the next morning, eager to help with Boone’s workout. The girl was obviously still hoping to start something with him, but since her conduct in the PT room remained completely professional, Jolene could hardly complain. In fact, she let Izzy handle most of the workout, while she herself studied Charlie Jansen’s file and jotted down some ideas of activities that might appeal to him more than some of the things they’d done so far.

  When Boone was ready to leave, he stopped by her office to let her know that Donovan had a doctor appointment to go to in the afternoon, and he needed Boone to cover the afternoon skates. That meant Boone would have to skip his second PT session, if that was okay with Jolene.

  She gave him her blessing, as long as he got in some extra ice time of his own to make up for it. Boone promised he would, then left her with a smile that made her knees weak.

  That turned out to be the best part of her day. She managed to make it through her session with Charlie without losing her cool, but it wasn’t easy. He was in an uncooperative mood and didn’t try to hide it. He put very little effort into his workout, and had nothing to say when she asked for his input on the daily routines she was drawing up for when he was back home. He still cracked some jokes, but they were off-color and mean spirited, and earned him glares from some of the other veterans making use of the PT room at the same time.

  Jolene’s heart went out to Andi all over again, and sh
e hoped more than ever that the girl would be able to find time to visit with one of the psychologists. When Charlie’s hour of PT was up, Jolene casually asked him what his schedule was for the day.

  He barked out a laugh as he fastened his prosthetics. “Well next I get to go to an exciting nutrition class. Obviously I’m over the moon about that.”

  Jolene managed an encouraging smile. “If it helps, you’ll get to sample lots of healthy foods, and they really do taste incredible.”

  He shrugged. “Whatever. This afternoon will be better. I’ll be spending a couple hours over at the ice rink working with Boone Kendall. That guy’s a badass on skates, let me tell ya. I’ve followed his career and he’s the man. Why he’s wasting his time here with a bunch of crippled, paralyzed, and brain damaged yahoos is beyond me.”

  Biting her tongue with an effort, Jolene kept her voice calm. “Maybe he doesn’t see it that way. Maybe most people don’t see it that way.”

  Charlie grunted. “If it gives you guys warm fuzzies to devote your days to us, more power to ya. I’m just saying this stuff is a waste of time. For you all, and for us. A couple of feel good weeks, then back to the shitty lives we came from. La di da.”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way, Charlie. I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I know for a fact that with the right mindset, a retreat like this can be the start of a huge change for the better. But yeah, it takes some effort on your part. You have to want that change. You’re here, that’s the first step. Is it too much to at least entertain the idea that your life can improve if you work at it?”

  “I’m only here because my wife begged me to come. I don’t know why she bothered. It’s just a matter of time before she walks out on me anyway.”

  “That’s not the impression I get when I see you together. She seems to be completely devoted to you.”

  He glared at Jolene and stood up. “She feels an obligation. She took our vows seriously, I guess. But I’m not the man she made those vows to, and one of these days she’s going to finally realize that. Then she won’t be able to get away fast enough.”

  Jolene swallowed hard, seeing the pain behind his anger. “Are you so sure that man isn’t still in there, Charlie?” she asked softly.

  His blue eyes were hard and cold when he looked at her. “I’m sure. I left him in a valley in Afghanistan. Along with my legs.”

  * * *

  Charlie’s anger and suffering cast a pall on Jolene’s day. The only bright spot was a call from Andi informing her that she’d made an appointment with the psychologist and would be meeting with her the next day while Charlie was at the ice rink.

  Jolene asked the girl to be sure and let her know how it went, and if she needed anything to please call anytime, day or night. Jolene didn’t think Charlie would physically hurt his wife, but emotional abuse could be equally damaging. He still loved Andi, Jolene truly believed that, but he wouldn’t let it show anymore. In his twisted logic, the sooner she gave up on him, the better. Driving her away meant he would no longer feel like a daily burden to her. He would be setting her free.

  Only that wasn’t what Andi wanted, and the whole messed up situation was just so sad. Jolene prayed that someone would be able to get through to Charlie in his remaining days at the center. She knew the man wasn’t going to change overnight, but if a seed could be planted, maybe that would be enough.

  In spite of what the man had said about the retreat being a waste of everyone’s time, Jolene knew better. She knew these retreats did make a difference for many families. Not all of them, but many. Grateful participants often sent her cards and letters telling her how much their lives had been changed and enriched, and that encouragement kept her going, even on days like this.

  She found herself wishing she could talk to Boone about it. If she could go home to him every evening, the bad days wouldn’t be quite so demoralizing; she’d always have something to look forward to at the end.

  She checked the time and started putting away the files and notes that littered her desk. The Wild played tonight, and if she left now she’d have time to fix some dinner and get a load of laundry going before it started. Maddy had invited her over to their place to watch, but this time Jolene had declined. Knowing what she did about Boone made it hard to spend time with her friends. She hated that she was keeping something so important from them, and yet she’d promised Boone she wouldn’t break his trust.

  For now it was easier to simply keep her distance, although she knew if she stayed away too long, Maddy and Libby would demand to know why. She was walking a fine line, and she knew it.

  On her way home she got a text from Boone, asking if she was going to be at Tuck’s. She debated on how to answer, because he’d no doubt want a reason when she told him no. She sat in her drive for a while once she got home, finally tapping out a text that was completely true, just not the whole truth.

  I don’t feel much like mingling tonight. Had a frustrating day. I kinda let myself get dragged down by a guy with a bad attitude. But don’t worry. A good Wild game and I’ll be good as new.

  She stared at her phone, waiting for his reply. It came soon.

  Gotcha. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

  Jolene sighed longingly. There was something he could do. Snuggling up to him and feeling his strong arms around her would do wonders, but she was already feeling way too dependent on him. Aside from their brief contact at the gym that morning, she’d made it all day without seeing him, and she needed to prove she could go the whole way.

  I will. Thanks.

  He sent a smiley face back, and that was that—she had the solitude she’d asked for. Problem was, she didn’t truly want it. She wanted Boone.

  * * *

  Boone tossed his phone on his bed and headed for the shower. When he hadn’t heard from Jolene all day, he’d figured she was back in her “gotta get some distance” mindset. She was still determined not to let herself get too attached. He understood that, he just didn’t have the willpower she did. He’d tell himself distance was good, and then five seconds later he’d be plotting out how he might be able to see her. It looked like that wasn’t going to happen tonight, though, and it was almost pitiful how much he missed her.

  Before leaving for Tuck’s place, Boone decided to try calling Doug. He was anxious to find out what the man was digging up down in Texas, even though he knew it would probably complicate things even further.

  His call went to voicemail, but he didn’t bother leaving a message. Doug would see that he’d called and would get back to him when he had a chance. He was good about that—and he should be, considering how much Boone was paying him.

  Trying to put both Jolene and Doug out of his mind, Boone drove to Tuck’s and did his best to enjoy the evening. The company was good, and the snacks Maddy had prepared were first rate. Boone gradually relaxed and got caught up in the game. Unfortunately it ended up with the Wild losing by a goal. Their chances of making the play-offs were slim and getting slimmer. It killed him to not be there to help.

  As he parked in front of his cabin, his phone buzzed. Hoping for a text from Jolene, he dug it out of his pocket as he got out of the car. The text was from Doug, not Jolene, and Boone frowned.

  I see you called. I’ll try to call back tomorrow. There’s a lot going on at the moment—I kinda stirred up a hornet’s nest. Talk soon.

  Boone didn’t like the sound of that. He texted back, asking Doug if he was okay. The PI assured him he had it handled, but he was laying low for the time being, sorting through a pile of files he’d gotten his hands on. Boone told him to be careful, and if he felt threatened he should get out of there.

  I’ll be fine. I’ve got some good stuff. As soon as I get it all organized, I’ll send you a summary, with the evidence backing it up to follow.

  I’ll be waiting. But don’t take any chances.

  Boone lowered his phone, tapping it against his leg as he thought about what Doug had said. This was the fi
rst time he had seriously considered that the people he was looking to expose could be dangerous. He supposed he should have thought about that, since he could be cutting off someone’s very lucrative income stream. Instead, he’d pictured retired doctors rocking in chairs on their front porches in between golf games, living comfortably off their ill-gotten gains and completely unaware it might soon come crashing down.

  He definitely hadn’t figured on desperate people actively trying to protect themselves and their wealth. If that were the case, and if they’d found out someone was poking around, it could be that Doug really was in danger.

  Dang. Just one more worry to add to his list.

  Boone stripped to his boxers, brushed his teeth, and fell into bed. The good news was, his head felt great. No headache to speak of for days. The bad news, the rest of his life was as uncertain as ever, and because of that, he couldn’t go after the girl he wanted to be with. The girl he was quickly coming to need.

  ***

  Boone was waiting outside the gym the next morning, sipping a cup of coffee and waiting for his favorite therapist to show up. When Izzy arrived first he stifled a groan.

  “Mornin’ Boone,” she said cheerfully, sauntering up to him. “Are we a little anxious to get going this morning?” Her suggestive smile and the glint in her eyes made it clear she was hoping he’d shown up early for another reason.

  He quickly shot that down. “I’m in no rush. I need to talk to Jolene before we start, so I thought I’d get here a few minutes early.”

  “Oh, okay.” Izzy’s smile dimmed. “You can come on in. She’ll be here any second, I’m sure. She usually beats me here.”

  “I’ll just wait out here. See you in a bit.”

  Izzy nodded and unlocked the door, disappearing inside. Boone leaned back against the brick wall of the building, watching for Jolene’s little red car to appear. Five minutes later she parked right in front of him, her white smile flashing through the windshield.