by MV Kasi
After a while, he found her sweet shyness somewhat irritating and he recalled one such time.
Nine years ago
He was in his office and was talking to someone icily on the phone before hanging up. Nandini had come to call him for dinner. As he stood and walked over to her, he saw her flinch involuntarily.
He caressed her cheek gently, calming her. "I missed you," he told her and pulled her closer slowly.
He let her feel his need and waited for her to respond. But Nandini didn't speak or react in anyway.
“Look at me,” he told her quietly, and she obeyed. He stared into her dark brown eyes that were filled with startled innocence, and not dark fire or any sort of passion. “There’s no reason to be uneasy. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
“Why won’t you call me Samrat?”
He had asked her several times before, but the use of his name seemed to be difficult for her. Nandini insisted on calling him formally like how the previous generation's women addressed their husbands.
“Oh, I…I can’t. You are older than me and my husband. What will your parents and everyone think?” she said softly.
With great effort, he suppressed his rising impatience. “Try.”
“Samrat,” she murmured.
“Good,” he said and bent his head to kiss her softly.
Nandini didn’t move, and only stood passively, waiting for him to do what he wanted. After a while she finally brushed his shoulder with her hand.
He prolonged the kiss, increasing the pressure of his mouth. He wanted more than some quiet acceptance from her. But her lips remained stiff and still beneath his.
He knew that she considered it as part of her duty to sleep with him.
Lifting his head, he looked at her face. Nandini looked like a child who had just obediently gulped down a tonic she hated.
“Dammit, don't just suffer me, want me and desire me,” he told her gruffly.
She stiffened in shock. “What?” she asked with widened eyes.
He knew he should treat her with tender respect, but his passionate nature demanded a response from her. “Kiss me back,” he commanded and crushed her against his body.
With a surprised squeak, she twisted away from him and looked hurt. Making him feel extremely guilty then.
*****
Since then, he had slowly, but ultimately resigned himself to a life with no passion or the urgency or needs that he personally craved.
He had just made slow sweet love the way Nandini preferred. And over the months, he eventually showed her and taught her about female satisfaction. But even though he had reached his climax, it still left him unsatisfied, wanting more.
And within a year of their marriage, and due to Nandini's insistence of starting a family right away, they had their baby girl, Sana.
As months and then years passed by, he realized that he wanted an equal partner with whom he could talk about his work, share his problems and be treated like a friend.
Nandini had been more like an old fashioned obedient wife who catered to him.
Any other man would have cherished a wife like Nandini, loved her and been ecstatically happy with her.
That guilt alone made him decide to never to marry again.
But whatever happened between Mahi and him did no way come close to wanting a long lasting relationship of any kind. Mahi had made it pretty clear that she wanted him physically and he already knew that he felt the same way.
He also now knew that he no longer held a grudge against her for the actions from fourteen years ago. In fact, he actually liked and also respected who she had become. But he needed to wait and figure out how he felt about her, and then decide what he really wanted from her.
CHAPTER 25
It was a Saturday morning and Mahi had nothing planned for the entire day. She had been so busy at work that she needed the time to simply relax and prepare for the upcoming grueling week and also for her three week work trip to San Francisco in mid-July.
Lately she was clocking in twelve hours at work every day to learn new technologies and also learn about management techniques. Her managers Mehul and Sanjay were kind enough to offer to mentor her and then send her to training courses in San Francisco while she performed her regular duties at work.
As she sat down with a bowl of fruit and toast for her breakfast, she had a huge craving for a cheese omelet. That reminded her of the cheesecake and then the last month's events leading up to the episode she dubbed as 'Mahi attacks Samrat'. The few intense minutes with Samrat had been running in her head in Technicolor most of the nights, making her restless.
She tried blaming her pain medications for her behavior. But she knew that given another chance when she was well fed and not medicated, she would still jump over him. But the chance didn't come. Samrat wasn't home most of the time, and even if he was, he just ignored her existence. Or he gave her what she interpreted as 'oh-god-she-wants-to-seduce-me' looks.
Mahi sighed loudly, trying to distract herself. She recalled that In-Orbit mall carried a variety of specialty cheeses.
A quick shower and then hailing a taxi service she ended up in the mall. Soon, her cart was full of various cheeses and some other stuff that she definitely didn't need. "Never shop for food when you are hungry," she muttered softly while shaking her head.
She was in the check-out line waiting for her turn when she heard a familiar voice. Her heart gave a joyful thump when she realized whom the voice sounded like. There were four more people in between her and that person who was facing away and speaking with the cashier.
It must be Jhanvi!
Especially since the chances of seeing a tall woman who was five foot ten inches tall with a similar voice were pretty low.
Before she could confirm, she found herself blurting out excitedly, "Oh my god Jhanu. Is that you?"
The woman in front stopped talking and turned back to look at her. It is Jhanu! Mahi was overjoyed to see her after fourteen years. But Jhanvi didn't seem to return the same feeling. She stared at Mahi coldly and grabbed her bags and walked away.
Confused, Mahi left her shopping cart and ran behind Jhanvi who was walking away pretty quickly. Considering the long legs Jhanvi had, Mahi had to break into a run to catch up with her.
"Jhanu wait!"
Jhanvi stopped and looked back at Mahi with any icy expression. "What is it? I'm in a hurry. So if you don't mind, get on with it quickly."
Mahi was puzzled; she thought maybe her friend didn't recognize her after fourteen years. "Jhanu...it's me, Mahi, your college friend," she said with a joyful smile.
Jhanvi still had a steely eyed look. "So? I know who you are," she said and started walking to the parking area.
Mahi's face crumpled. "Jhanu wait. Please. Not you too. I can bear anyone rejecting me, but not you. We promised to be best friends forever remember? Please talk to me. I know I hurt people, but never you. At least not deliberately."
Mahi felt the sting behind her eyes and soon tears welled up. Jhanvi stared at her for a few more seconds, until she broke down as well.
"You left without saying goodbye. It wasn't just a broken hearted boyfriend you left behind. You left me broken hearted too. We were supposed to be in the same Master's University, get married the same month to our boyfriends, and then plan kids at the same time and grow old together. You didn't care for me. All of that was a lie. You just pretended to be my friend," said Jhanvi with a quivering voice.
Mahi went closer and looked into Jhanvi's eyes. "It was never a pretense. I loved you like a sister that I never had. When I left the country, I was missing your company along with Sidhu's. I wanted to talk to you so badly and tell you about the things happening in my life. I went through hell, but if you had been there with me, I could have faced any kind of hell."
"Oh Mahi." Jhanvi began to sob and hugged her.
Soon they realized that they had quite an audience around them.
M
ahi wiped away her tears. "Okay. Seeing two 'aunties' hugging and crying in the middle of a mall is quite a spectacle I think."
Jhanu laughed. "I missed you so much Mahi."
"Me too, Jhanu."
Jhanvi smiled. "Let's go somewhere. Hubby and the kid have gone to my in-laws place for the weekend. It's my two day decompress-alone-time of the month that Srinu lets me have. He says it makes his and my son Arjun's life easier to live with me."
Mahi grinned, remembering Srinivas who had been crazy about Jhanvi in their college.
"Let's go to my place. The same one. I got here in a taxi, so I can ride along with you."
Jhanvi squealed like a little girl. "I'm so excited. Wait. Let me see if any of our other gang can join us today."
"They live in Hyderabad too?" Mahi asked excitedly.
"A few of them have always been living here and some have returned to India in the last few years like me," said Jhanvi as she typed in a message: Mahi is here. We are cool now. We are meeting at her old place. See if anyone of you can join us.
During the drive to Mahi's place Jhanvi told her about getting married to Srinu and having an eight year old boy named Arjun. Both Jhanvi and her husband worked for the same multi-national company and had moved to Hyderabad two years ago from Seattle on an intercompany transfer.
They reached Mahi's place and got in with Jhanvi's bags.
"Hey Paru, Ashu and Smitha are on their way," announced Jhanvi.
Parvathi was the first to arrive. She was decked up in a heavy sari with a lot of jewelry. She hugged Mahi. "Oh god. Finally. I had to see you. I ditched attending a wedding midway. I was just about to stab myself in the eye with a fork because of the sheer boredom from listening to the same mundane talk about handbags, jewelry and saris. Thank god I saw Jhanu's message on time."
Mahi laughed, remembering their group's sense of humor that was very similar to hers.
Ashwini and Smitha arrived in the next hour. Mahi hugged them all and felt happy seeing them after a long time. They began catching up on what happened in their lives during the past fourteen years.
When it was Mahi's turn, she didn't hesitate laying it all out to them. She felt connected to them the same way they had been during the four years of college.
"The biggest mistake I probably did was to tell Dinesh all about Sidhu," she said. "I thought I was being honest with him. He knew I had a boyfriend when he proposed to me through my parents, and he even pretended that he was fine with it at that time. But on our first night...when he asked me if he was my first, I told him he was and also that I was a virgin. But he kept badgering me, asking me what I allowed Sidhu to do to me or what I did with him...And when I told him that Sidhu and I made out when we were together during the four years, Dinesh felt extremely insecure and jealous. He isolated me completely. He didn't let me speak to any of my friends or family members...To most outsiders and to my family members, Dinesh appeared charming and friendly. I was twenty one and naive or maybe just stupid. He manipulated me emotionally, saying that he loved me a lot, and that it would bring us closer if I didn't associate with anyone reminding me of Sidhu. I was allowed only a five minute weekly call to my parents...Not that calling them and asking them for help had been of any use."
Mahi paused when she recalled her initial anguish and helplessness all over again.
Jhanvi held her hands and squeezed it in assurance.
"Dinesh's moods kept fluctuating very often, making me walk on eggshells all the freaking time. There was always a reason for him to erupt on me. Anything, or sometimes everything, like what I had made for dinner, my hair, how I walked, how I spoke or even the way I behaved during sex. Just about anything! I was a nervous wreck who was always anxious to please him and not make him upset or angry. And each time Dinesh abused me because he felt insecure or jealous for no reason, I missed Sidhu more, and the vicious cycle continued."
"Oh Mahi. Why didn't you get help?" Parvathi asked with tears in her eyes.
Mahi stared at her floor. "I was embarrassed," she stated softly. "I was educated and had enough money to be independent. I kept saying to myself, these things should not be happening to me. I naively thought it didn't happen to people like us. I also thought I was a strong person, not taking bullshit from anyone...But slowly he chipped away my self-confidence....Initially I stuck around thinking that maybe he was justified feeling insecure because of Sidhu, and then I kept mentally coming up with some excuse or the other...Soon it was too late and I felt humiliated that I stayed that long in an abusive marriage. I was also worried that people would question my accusations, asking me why I stayed for eight long years, if my husband was abusing me right from the beginning. I cried often, and had anxiety and was depressed."
Smitha held one of Mahi's hands. "It's not your fault Mahi. Education helps to an extent, but not completely. My first husband was a doctor who was trained in these matters. That didn't stop him from abusing me or his own son. He often used to label it as work stress. Violence or control is apparently used as a compensation for the partner’s insecurity or weaker position in a relationship. It is the attempt made by the abuser to balance the power in a relationship. It doesn't matter how strong or weak you are either. Believe me, doctors, lawyers and maybe even the queens are not immune from domestic abuse. "
Smitha told Mahi about her first marriage that was also abusive and ended in a divorce.
"Dinesh was mostly verbally abusive, which he thought was okay, since he didn't actually hit me each time. Sometimes...even I thought it was okay and felt grateful. And whenever he did hit me, it was always on top of my head where it wouldn't show or just shake me violently. It didn't physically hurt, but I felt humiliated. I-I threatened to leave him several times and even left him a few times. But each time he would beg, cajole, apologize and then make elaborate gestures with surprise birthday parties, expensive dinners, expensive trips, diamond jewelry...All of that made me sick to the stomach, but I still went back upon my parents and his insistence and stuck around thinking it would change. Or that a baby would change it."
Mahi felt humiliated even now as she recalled those times.
"It wasn't just confined to home. He used to call me at work to shout at me for something I did at home. I couldn’t deal with it there, as I didn’t want my work suffering. Work was where I could be myself and be normal. It was my only sanctuary. I didn’t tell anyone at workplace because they would think I was weak and had a problem that might affect my performance."
She stared at her hands that were fidgeting slightly.
"During the eight year of my marriage, I had my third miscarriage, and I was at a very bad place. Dinesh made me quit my job and we weren't intimate anymore because he said I killed his mood, just by showing my sad face. I was devastated. Not because I missed being intimate, but because I knew that he didn't even respect me as a human, let alone love me...After one of his rages and outbursts, I had the courage to walk out and file for a divorce. Dinesh refused to give me one, and made my parents try and brainwash me into going back to him again, but I refused. I was adamant and moved out of the house to an apartment. That's when I became close to Rahul, who lived in the same apartments. He was a resident doctor at the same hospital as my sister-in-law who was also my doctor. He knew about my separation and miscarriages and we had met a few times before at some common parties as well. I knew he was attracted to me right from the beginning. He was so good looking, sweet and charming and he...he reminded me so much of Sidhu. For a change it felt nice to be treated with respect, kindness and like an attractive woman. I gave in to the temptation a few times and felt bad later. Not because I was cheating on Dinesh, since even though we were separated, we were still technically married. But because of the fact that I was messing with Rahul who was really a nice and decent person. I initially thought that Rahul was just looking for a physical relationship, but after a few weeks he declared his love, shocking me. I didn't return his love at all and had a sick fantasy that I could go back
in time to rectify my past mistake of giving up Sidhu. And that...it was Sidhu whom I was making love with. Even though we had used condoms all the times, I ended up pregnant. Dinesh tried to bully me to reconcile with him even after I told him about my relationship with another man and my pregnancy. But when I threatened to let everyone in Dinesh's family and friends know about my baby's paternity, he finally relented and divorced me."
The next part was difficult for her to get out and she felt too choked. She had to pause for a few seconds before she continued.
"My baby son Aryan was born pre-mature. He had a lot of complications that required frequent emergency visits to the hospital because of which I couldn't get back to work. Rahul begged me to marry him several times, declaring his love for me and our son, but I just couldn't let him be stuck in a loveless marriage. Three years later, he fell in love with and eventually married a very nice understanding woman who was a doctor like him. She actually treated Aryan several times during his emergency visits. Around eight months ago...my son passed away, right after he turned four. I just went into pieces and considered ending my life by overdosing. But Rahul found me and I ended up staying with my brother's family upon my sister-in-law's insistence. I went through grief counseling and therapy sessions and even joined groups to help me, but they didn't dull my pain at all. And then a few months later Rajeev called me, asking me for help with Kamala aunty's cancer treatment. I spoke to her, and she asked me to fight, and to not give up on life. I saw that as a sign and packed up everything I had and flew back to Hyderabad."
Mahi sat calmly, reflecting those dark times when she thought all hope was lost.
Everyone had tears in their eyes and they hugged her.
She shook her head and wiped away her tears. "Hey enough with the mushy and weepy talk. I put a total damper in the mood. So what else is up bitches?" she asked smiling, using the slang they had often used to greet each other in the gang.
They all burst out giggling like school girls through the tears.