Emily Post's Great Get-Togethers
Page 23
What to Wear
OCCASION
Black Tie
MEN
Black tuxedo jacket and matching trousers
Formal (piqué or pleated-front) white shirt
Black bow tie (silk, satin, or twill)
Black cummerbund to match tie, or a vest
Dressy suspenders to ensure a good fit (optional)
No gloves
Black patent shoes and black dress socks
In summer, in the tropics, or on a cruise: White dinner jacket, black tuxedo trousers plus other black-tie wardrobe
WOMEN
Formal (floor-length) evening gown
Dressy cocktail dress
Your dressiest little black dress white shirt
OCCASION
Creative Black Tie
MEN
Tuxedo combined with trendy or whimsical items, such as a black or other colored shirt, or matching colored or patterned bow tie and cummerbund
WOMEN
Formal (floor-length) evening gown
Dressy cocktail dress
Your dressiest little black dress
Fun or unique accessories
OCCASION
Black Tie Optional
MEN
Either a tuxedo (see Black Tie, above) or
Dark suit, white dress shirt, and conservative tie
Dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks
WOMEN
Formal (floor-length) evening gown
Dressy cocktail dress
A little black dress
Dressy separates
OCCASION
Semiformal
MEN
Dark business suit
Matching vest (optional)
Dress shirt
Tie
Dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks
WOMEN
Short afternoon or cocktail dress or
A little black dress
Long dressy skirt and top
Dressy separates
OCCASION
Festive Attire (usually for holidays)
MEN
Seasonal sport coat or blazer in color of choice and slacks
Open-collar shirt or dress shirt
Tie—festive or with a holiday theme
WOMEN
Cocktail dress or
Long dressy skirt and top
Dressy pants outfit or separates
A little black dress
Feature holiday colors and accessories
OCCASION
Business Formal*
MEN
Dark business suit
Matching vest (optional)
Dress shirt
Conservative tie
Dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks
WOMEN
Suit
Business-style dress
Dress with a jacket
Stockings (optional in summer)
Heels, low or high dress socks
OCCASION
Business Casual*
MEN
Seasonal sport coat or blazer with slacks or khakis
Dress shirt, casual button-down shirt, or open-collar or polo shirt
Optional tie
Loafers or loafer-style shoes and socks
WOMEN
Skirt, khakis, or pants
Open-collar shirt, knit shirt, or sweater (no spaghetti straps or shirt décolleté)
Dress
OCCASION
Dressy Casual
MEN
Seasonal sport coat or blazer and slacks
Dress shirt, casual button-down shirt, or open-collar or polo shirt
Optional tie
WOMEN
Dress
Skirt and dressy top
Dressy pants outfit
Nice jeans and dressy top
OCCASION
Casual
MEN
Khakis or good jeans (clean, no holes)
Cargo or Bermuda shorts—depending on occasion and climate
Plain T-shirt (no slogans), polo shirt, or turtleneck
Casual button-down shirt
Sweater
Loafers, sneakers (with or without socks), or sandals
WOMEN
Sundress
Long or short skirt
Khakis or nice jeans
Shorts (depending on occasion and climate)
Plain T-shirt (no slogans), shirt polo shirt, or turtleneck
Casual button-down blouse
*Always check and abide by your company’s dress code.
Should I Bring a Hostess Gift?
A gift for your host or hostess is a lovely way to thank them for their hospitality and is always appreciated. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive; simply consider the nature of the occasion and local custom when making your choice. In some parts of the country, a hostess gift is considered obligatory, while in other places a gift is brought only on special occasions. If it’s the first time you’re visiting someone’s home, then it’s a very nice gesture to bring a small gift. If you have a few extra minutes to wrap it, even if you only use tissue or a decorative bag, it adds to the gesture.
Wine, flowers, specialty food items, and small items for the house all make good hostess gifts. Flowers are terrific too, but if you want to go beyond Etiquette 101, bring them in a simple vase (a glass canning jar is fine). You could also offer to put them in water yourself when you arrive so your host doesn’t have to arrange them. If you bring wine, don’t expect your host to serve it that evening—the wines may have already been chosen for the meal. And don’t bring food for the meal unless you’ve been asked to. Otherwise you risk putting your host on the spot and upsetting the menu. Here are a few tips on what to bring when:
Casual dinner party. Dinner party guests usually bring a hostess gift unless they are close friends who dine together frequently. Gift possibilities include wine, Champagne, flowers (preferably in a vase), a potted plant, chocolates, specialty food items such as jams and jellies or other condiments, fancy nuts, olives, olive oil or vinegars, or items for the house, such as cocktail napkins, guest soaps and lotions, a picture frame, or a scented candle. A CD or book is also appropriate if you know your host’s taste.
Formal dinner party. Gifts aren’t usually taken to large, formal dinners.
When there’s a guest of honor. If it’s a birthday, anniversary, graduation, or shower, bring a gift for the honoree.
When you’re the guest of honor. Bring a gift for your host or hostess, or send flowers before the party. After the party, send a thank-you note.
Housewarming. It’s customary to bring a gift to a housewarming. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it should be something lasting for the house. Possible gifts include guest towels, a houseplant, a patio or garden plant, glasses, dish towels, a picture frame, specialty foods like a great olive oil or preserves, or a cheeseboard and/or cheese knives. Update an old-fashioned housewarming tradition of giving salt, and bring fancy sea salt and/or a saltbox or saltcellar. If the housewarming is for a neighbor new to your town, consider putting together a welcome kit containing area maps, the town paper, restaurant menus, bookmarks from your favorite bookstore, transportation schedules, and information on local parks and recreation facilities—anything that will make it easier for her to feel welcome and at home in her new community.
Weekend visit. Either bring or send a gift. Your gift choice will depend on the length of your stay and how elaborately you’re entertained. While you don’t have to break the bank, your gift should be sincere, thoughtful, and personal. (For gift ideas, see Chapter 15, Hosting Houseguests, page 223.)
Party Manners 101
As a guest, it’s your job to display all your positive qualities: enthusiasm, congeniality, consideration, and thoughtfulness. You won’t go wrong as long as you practice the following party manners basics:
Arrive on time. Anywhere between five and fifteen minutes after the designated start time is okay—but
never show up early. If you’re going to be more than fifteen minutes late, call your hosts with an ETA so they can decide if they should start without you. (And no, texting doesn’t count! You don’t know that they’ll see it.)
Turn off your cell phone. While you’re at a party, consider yourself unavailable. If you’re expecting a call or must be reachable, put your phone on vibrate and excuse yourself to another room to take the call. Never use or answer a host’s phone without permission. If you are asked to answer the phone, say, “Scherr residence.”
Be a willing participant. Take part in—or at least try—whatever your host offers, whether it’s charades, mushroom soufflé, or the opportunity to chat with new people. At a seated dinner, be an active—but not dominant—participant in the conversation, and be sure to spend time chatting with the people on both your left and your right.
Practice moderation. Try not to overindulge, whether in the shrimp cocktail or the Pinot Noir. You don’t want to imply that the food or drinks are more important to you than the people present.
Unless invited in, keep clear of the kitchen. Some people love to cook with an audience; others really can’t concentrate. If your host says no, go enjoy yourself at the party.
Offer to help when you can. Obviously this depends on the circumstances of the party, but where assistance is welcome there are lots of things guests can do to help out: pass hors d’oeuvres, light candles, help serve dessert. If your offer is turned down, don’t insist—just enjoy yourself, knowing you did your best to pitch in.
Don’t switch place cards. Your host has gone to the trouble to come up with a seating plan. Your spot was chosen especially for you, so enjoy it!
Be considerate. Wipe your feet before entering. Don’t put your feet on furniture. Use a coaster for drinks. Leave the bathroom neat for the next person. If you’re a smoker and there are no ashtrays, go outside to smoke. If you have a cold or other spreadable illness, call with your regrets and stay home.
Be complimentary. About the food, the decor, the garden, the company. You don’t have to gush—just be gracious and sincere.
Respect your host’s trust. Don’t snoop in medicine cabinets, closets, or desks. Take care with your host’s belongings. If you break something, let your host know immediately—and offer to pay for the repair.
Leave with the pack. Don’t settle in as others are saying farewell, unless you’ve been invited to stay. In general, dinner guests are expected to stay for about an hour after dinner. If you need to leave early, let your host know before the party or when you arrive so they aren’t surprised (or worse, insulted) by your early departure.
Thank your hosts on the way out. As you’re leaving, make sure to say good-bye and thank you to each of your hosts. If they’re not by the door, seek them out and thank them personally before you go.
Thoughtful Afterthoughts
The really thoughtful guest thanks her host twice: once as she’s leaving the party and again the next day. The written thank-you note is always, always appreciated, but is only expected after a formal dinner party or an overnight visit. If you don’t send a note, do call or send an e-mail expressing your thanks within a day or two of the party. If someone hosted a party in your honor, or you were a houseguest, or you had an especially enjoyable time, now’s the time to send flowers or a thank-you gift (if you didn’t arrive with a gift in hand).
Tag, You’re it
Some invitations—to weddings, balls, official functions, and events you pay to attend—don’t carry any reciprocal obligation. But invitations to social events in someone’s home or a private party hosted at a restaurant or club do call for some sort of reciprocation. This isn’t a quid pro quo. The goal is not to replicate the event you were invited to, but simply to return the hospitality you’ve enjoyed and spend some social time with your hosts. So, a dinner invitation may be returned with an invitation to lunch or a brunch with a barbecue. If your hosts put on a lavish gourmet feast and you’re not an accomplished cook, treat them to an evening out at a favorite restaurant or an afternoon sail and picnic on your boat. An invitation to a private club or beach or to a cultural or sporting event is also a good alternative.
Whatever you decide on, try to arrange to get together within a few months of the original party. If your hosts can’t accept your first invitation, give it at least one, and preferably two, more tries. If you’re still not successful, put the return engagement on hold for a later date.
If you attended a large gathering, include your hosts the next time you entertain in a similar way. However, we don’t recommend throwing one big “payback party” for everyone who’s recently hosted you. This may seem the perfect way to even the social score, but too often your intent will come across as obvious, with your guests recognizing it for what it is. If you’re a popular guest, it’s better to host several smaller parties throughout the year for those who’ve hosted you.
Lastly, if you decline an invitation to a party or dinner, are you still obligated to return the favor? In this case your obligation isn’t as strong—but since the intent was to include you, you should still try to send a return invitation in the not-too-distant future.
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Your Little Black Book
It’s a good idea to keep some sort of social diary, either as a part of your calendar or in a separate notebook. You’ll want to keep track of invitations you’ve accepted, the name(s) of your host(s), the date, and what type of event it was. When you’ve returned the favor, you can check off those names.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Questions for Anna and Lizzie
My friend called and accepted our dinner invitation and then called a few days later and asked if she could bring her kids. What do I say to her?
For some reason, many of today’s parents think their kids are automatically included in invitations to adult parties. You’ll need to practice being graciously firm: “We planned on dinner just for the grown-ups and aren’t including the kids. We hope you can still make it.”
One of my guests brought a date who turned out to be a vegan. Most of my menu was off-limits. I felt bad—what could I have done?
Truly, the fault isn’t yours. It’s important for guests to alert their host ahead of time that they have a food allergy or a specialized diet, or offer to bring a dish prepared according to their restrictions. It spoils the idea of a communal meal when one guest can’t eat the food. That said, if you’re caught off guard, see if there’s any way you can amend your menu: Reserve a portion of salad and dress it with oil, vinegar, and salt, leaving out any cheese, meats, or fish; microwave a sweet or white potato; dress a portion of vegetables with olive oil; serve a beautifully sliced piece of fruit. Remember that while this may be an awkward situation for you, the vegan will be used to having to make choices or abstain when others prepare a meal.
What do I do when a guest arrives at my party and has obviously already had too much to drink?
Here’s a situation where safety trumps etiquette— and any breach of etiquette isn’t yours. You’ve been put on the spot, and there’s no gracious way out of this situation. It’s best to be direct. If your newly arrived guest is in the happy or tipsy phase, collect his hat, coat, and car keys. Don’t serve him any more alcohol during the party, and spread the word among the other guests not to give him a drink either. Even if he seems to have sobered up during the party, give him a ride home or call him a cab.
It’s a week before my party, and I still haven’t heard from several people. Is it rude to call and ask for an answer?
No, it’s not rude; it’s a must if you don’t want to be surprised at party time. In fact, it’s rude not to respond to an invitation right away. “Hi, Jim, it’s Tina. I hadn’t heard from you and was wondering if you’ll be able to make it for dinner on Saturday?” Perfectly pleasant, perfectly reasonable request, no finger-pointing. If Jim is still unsure, set a deadline for an answer. “Could you please let me know by Wednesday?
Thanks!” And yes, it’s also possible that the invite might have gone astray—and Jim would never have known about the party if you hadn’t called. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is always the kind and considerate thing to do.
I’m not sure if an acquaintance has a significant other or not, and I’d like to send her an invitation to a cocktail party. What should I do?
It’s a must to invite spouses, people who live together, or those in a serious relationship as a couple. You can do a little sleuthing and ask someone who knows her better, or take the direct, sure-to-get-the-right-answer approach and call her. “Gloria, I’m sending you an invitation for a cocktail party and wanted to let you know that I’d be delighted if you want to bring a date.” This gives Gloria the chance to say, “Thanks, Julie, I’m seeing [living with] this really great guy right now.” “Terrific—what’s his name? I’d like to include him in your invitation.”
If a friend calls and asks for a “plus one,” are you really going to say no?
Even though your friend is putting you in an awkward situation, you’re right, you probably aren’t going to say no. Do everything you possibly can to fit the extra person in. If it’s just not possible, tell him exactly that.
As the bartender was setting up at my house, I noticed he had put out a tip jar. I asked him to remove it. Was I right?
Yes, you were. At a private party, tipping is entirely the host’s responsibility, whether the party is at the host’s home or another location. When you hire them, let your help know that you will be responsible for all tips and they shouldn’t accept any money from guests. Your guests shouldn’t have to carry anything more than cab fare in their pockets—everything else is on you.
I had a party and I wasn’t happy with the caterer I hired. How do I discuss this with him, and can I expect a reduction in the bill?
While some people may choose to overlook it and just pay the bill, we think that whenever you are dissatisfied with a service that you are paying for, you should speak up. The key is to have a conversation that’s forthright and respectful. First, take a look at the contract to review what was agreed to. Next, stick to the facts. Make a list of the areas where the service fell short. “The food was lousy” or “Your staff did a really bad job” is too vague. Be specific: The staff was a half hour late; the hot hors d’oeuvres were cold; the food wasn’t fresh; the kitchen wasn’t tidied. Now make your call. Start with what went well, then discuss your concerns over the phone or agree to a meeting. Present your case calmly—no drama!—and be prepared to listen, too. A reputable caterer will most likely offer some kind of accommodation. Your future business and your recommendations are important to him.