"I'm so sorry you’ve been lonely. I never meant to make you feel this way. I told you this morning that I wanted to spend more time with you, and I meant it. I think you and I need to have an honest conversation, clear the air between us."
He pulls me into his arms and then leans back, laying us both down on the bed. I lift my head and look up into his beautiful eyes.
"I think we should talk, too."
Jared smiles and then kisses me tenderly on the forehead, "But not tonight. You’ve had too much to drink and I want you to remember this conversation."
"Okay," I mumble. I go to pull away from his embrace, but Jared only holds me tighter.
"Don't you have to go back out there?" I can still hear the music and loud noise from all the partygoers.
"I don’t have to be anywhere, and there’s no place I'd rather be than in this bed with you, holding you in my arms."
I snuggle closer to him and smile at his words. Jared wants to be next to me, so that’s exactly where I'll let him be.
Chapter Fourteen
I wake up to a ringing cell phone. The chiming of the bells get progressively louder and I try to block out the sound by pulling my pillow over my head. It doesn’t work. The ringing stops only to start back up again. I open my eyes and groan into the mattress before moving the pillow and turning over on my back. The room is lit from the sun and I can tell it's sometime in the late morning.
I look over and see Jared sleeping peacefully next to me in bed. The noise coming from the phone is doing nothing to wake him up. He’s out cold. I try to pin point where the sound is coming from, but I don’t see a cellphone and the sound feels like it's coming from the bed. I gently lift the covers, hoping to see the small electronic device somewhere, with no luck. That’s when I realize the noise is coming from the pocket of Jared's jeans. I forgot he slept in his clothes last night.
"Jared," I say loudly as I shake his right shoulder. Jared's laying peacefully on his back and even my touch doesn’t wake him.
"Jared," I say even louder, but still nothing.
"Jared!" I yell, and that wakes him up. He blinks his eyes open and stares at me blankly. "Your cell keeps going off."
He looks confused for a moment until the ringing starts back up again. His hand moves down to grab the cellphone out of his front pocket and he looks at the display. I watch him grin slightly before answering the phone.
"What's up you dumb bastard? You don’t show up at my party last night, and now you're calling me like a stalker while I'm trying to get some sleep?"
I giggle at the way he talks to his friend and then get up from the bed, prepared to get ready for the day.
"What... when did you find out?" Jared's tone of voice has completely changed and when I look over at him on the bed, all the color in his face is gone. I move over to the bed to hold him and give him some comfort, but as soon as my hand lands on his shoulder he gets up, putting some distance between us.
"The stupid bitch! Did she just find out?" Jared's becoming more and more agitated on the phone and I watch as he starts to pace back and forth. "Okay, when? When was her last good one... you don't know? Why the hell do we do it then if you don’t know?"
I listen to the tension filled silence as Jared listens intently to the person on the other end of the line. "Yeah, okay, I'll let Kelly know and I'll see you shortly. How long until I know?"
I'm worried for Jared. I have no idea what's going on, but I've never seen him like this. He looks so worried and his voice shows how angry he is.
"Alright, I'll see you soon, but you better fucking keep me in the loop. I need to know everything. We all need to know... we all deserve to know." He removes the phone from his ear and presses on the screen a few times before putting it right back to his ear.
"Get here now!" He shouts into the phone and then hangs up, not letting the person on the other end get a word in.
"Jared..." I say timidly. He looks over at me as if just remembering I'm in the room.
"I'll be downstairs. Kelly's on her way over." That's all he says before leaving me in the room. He gives me no explanation as to what happened, but I know deep down I need to be here for him, whatever it is. He needs to know he has a friend.
I quickly brush my teeth and get dressed, pulling my hair into a messy bun on top of my head. I'll shower later, once I know Jared is okay.
When I go downstairs Jared is in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and whispering with Tawny. Tawny looks pretty shaken, but nothing close to as much as Jared. When they hear me walk into the kitchen they stop talking.
Yeah, because that doesn’t make it obvious you don’t want me to hear what's going on.
I choose a random coffee flavor and place it in the coffee machine, closing the top and hitting brew. I turn towards Jared and Tawny and eye them curiously. They’re drinking their coffee as if it's a normal morning and it pisses me off.
"Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?"
They both look at me with stunned expressions, but neither of them speak and it makes me even more nervous. Finally, Jared gets up and walks over to me. His hands reach up to cup my face and he looks at me longingly, but I can see the emptiness there, too.
"What's wrong? Whatever it is, I'm here for you." I try to move forward so that I can kiss him lovingly on the lips, but he pulls his face away from mine, leaving his hands on my cheeks.
"I promise, Autumn, if I knew I would have never messed around with you. I would never put you in this situation willingly. I thought I was invincible."
I'm confused by his words. What situation did he put me in? I look to Tawny for help, but her head's down and she's staring at the inside of her coffee cup.
"Alright, I'm here. What's the emergency?" Kelly storms into the kitchen. She looks like hell, probably still hung over from last night. Her hair is in a knotty mess on top of her head, her eyes are covered with sunglasses, and she's still in her pajamas. She really listens to Jared when he's mad because she didn't even take a few minutes to get dressed.
"Have you checked your fucking emails the past twenty-four hours?"
She stops in her tracks, shocked at Jared's tone of voice.
"I was with you all day yesterday and then your party last night. I just woke up, so, no, I haven't checked my emails."
Jared sighs and drags a hand through the hair on top of his head. "My production company's doctor just called me... there's been a... a... fuck, I can't even say it." He takes another deep breath and then looks at me. I try to look at him in a way where he knows I'm here for him, but it's almost as if he's looking through me and not at me.
He looks back at Kelly and spits it out. "Vivica tested positive for HIV yesterday. Production is shut down everywhere. We're all expected to get tested today, and I mean all of us. Even if a contracted porn star hasn't had direct sex with her, chances are they've slept with someone who's slept with her.
"We have to keep quiet about it. It would be damaging if the media got word of this, they already want to make unnecessary demands on the industry."
"Jared, when was the last time Vivica was tested?"
"Twenty-two days ago."
I'm stunned silent by this revelation. Vivica, whoever that is, has HIV. Does Jared have it?
"Thank God," Kelly says, sighing in relief. "You should be okay, Jared. You haven't done a porn scene in at least a month. I guess that's the one silver lining to you throwing your career away."
This snaps me out of my silence, "What?"
Jared looks over at me, his eyes begging me for something that I'm unable to read. "I'm so sorry, Autumn. I swear I would have never fooled around with you if I thought I could have HIV."
What the hell does that have to do with anything? The only time we slept together was when I made him wear a condom.
"You don't need to apologize, you wore a condom. I'm good, I'm just worried about you."
"You fucking moron, you slept with her? Even after I told you not to? Let me guess
, you slept with her right before you started making up excuses not to shoot scenes." Kelly is livid. I watch as she hits Jared on the side of the head and mumbles, "Dumbass."
Jared is unaffected by Kelly's assault, his eyes are still trained on me. "I'm so sorry, Autumn. I'm so sorry, so, so sorry."
He keeps repeating this over and over again and my heart breaks for him. He's dealing with so much today and now he has to go and get tested for HIV. At some point I want to ask him about the fact that he hasn't been doing porn. I secretly hope that it has something to do with me like Kelly implies, but my questions can wait.
"Jared," I whisper and walk over to him. I open my arms and pull him into me, hugging him as hard as I can, trying to comfort him. He lowers his mouth to my ear and continues to whisper his apologies. "It's okay, Jared, I'm okay."
"Autumn," I hear Tawny say. I turn my head to look at her, still holding Jared in my arms.
"Yeah?"
"Did you and Jared have oral sex? Did he come in your mouth without a condom?"
"That's kind of personal, Tawny."
"It's a simple yes or no answer, Autumn."
I rub Jared's back, comforting him with my touch. He's so fragile and I’m afraid the wrong movement or words will break him.
"Yes," I hiss.
"Autumn, honey, you need to get tested, too."
My hand stills on Jared's back as my brain digests Tawny's words. I could have HIV. Of course, basic sex ed tells you it can be transferred from semen during intercourse, anal, and oral sex.
Oh. My. God.
My body starts to shake and I loosen my hands around Jared, letting him go and taking a step back from him. I look up into his eyes, finally seeing why he is so worried. He raises a hand to reach out for me, but then quickly lowers it, not knowing what to do.
"I'm getting tested today. My doctor tests all the actors in my production company and he'll be here shortly. There's no need for you to get tested unless my test comes back positive." He says it out loud where everyone can hear, but the words are meant just for me.
"Jared, I really think you're worrying for nothing. She just tested positive, and you haven't slept with anyone in the business for a month. You should be good," Kelly chimes in.
"I can't trust her previous tests. Plus, as I just learned this morning like an idiot, the instant test isn't a one hundred percent guarantee. It can take up to twenty-five days for an individuals immune system to detect the HIV virus and make antibodies against it."
"When was your last test?" I ask, so quietly no one can hear me.
"I didn't hear you, babe."
"When was your last test?" I ask louder.
"A little over five weeks ago."
I walk over to him and shove him against his chest. I don't shove him hard and as soon as I register what I've done, I move closer to him and hug him tightly.
"You said you get tested every fourteen days," I say accusingly.
"I usually do, babe, but because I wasn’t shooting any porn scenes anymore, I didn't make it a priority," he whispers in my hair.
My emotions are all over the place. I know I should be mad, and a part of me is, but a much larger part of me is worried for Jared. I'm more worried about him than I am for myself. I want him to be okay. I need him to be okay and it's in this moment that I realize I love him. I love him so much and I will do anything to make him okay. He has to be okay.
★★★
The doctor is at Jared's house for a little over an hour. Jared gets tested and I insist on getting tested as well. Both of our test results come back negative and I sigh a breath of relief. Jared still doesn't look that relieved.
Kelly and Tawny take the opportunity to get tested, too. I guess an HIV scare makes everyone consider the possibilities. You can never be too sure. Luckily, Kelly and Tawny's tests come back negative, too.
Tawny decides we have a reason to celebrate and she busts out the hard liquor. We all start taking straight shots.
"So how do you think Vivica got it?" Kelly asks after taking a swig of vodka straight from the bottle.
"I know how she got it. The stupid bitch broke the rules. She fucked some random guy without a condom," Tawny says and then looks over at me to clarify. "That's a big no, no in our business. You always wear a condom with someone who's not in the business, unless it's a long time boyfriend or a spouse."
I take the vodka and fill my shot glass. I lift it to my mouth and shoot it back, attempting to numb my nerves. It burns going down, but it's surprisingly comforting. Jared's the only one who isn't drinking so I pour him a shot and hand it to him.
"I'm good, babe." He grabs it from me and lifts it to my lips. I open my mouth and he pours the liquid down my throat, before placing the shot glass on the coffee table.
"You should be happy. You're clean. We're going to be okay."
"I won't feel that way until I get tested in another twenty-five days."
"You don't have to wait the twenty-five days. Kelly said the only person you've slept with in the last month is me."
He smiles down at me and brushes his knuckles against my cheek. "That's true, but I want to be safe and I want to feel sure of myself. That won't happen unless I get tested again in twenty-five days."
He's really set about this and it's starting to make me doubt our negative test results from earlier. I'm suddenly not interested in celebrating either. I sit back on the couch and lean my body into his. He lets me and we're both silent for a long time. I listen to Tawny and Kelly debate over who's hotter, Damon or Stefan. I roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of their conversation. It's obviously Damon.
"You want to go up?" Jared asks me. I look at the clock and realize it's still fairly early for bed, but I am physically and emotionally exhausted from the events of today. I silently agree and get up from the couch. We say goodnight to Tawny and Kelly and then go up to Jared's room.
Once we are in the safety of the four walls of his room, I start to strip naked. I have the urgent need to be naked and feel Jared's skin against mine. I start to remove my bra and Jared stops me.
"What are you doing?"
"I need to do this, I need to feel your skin on mine."
Jared sighs and hands me back my t-shirt, "We're not having sex, Autumn. I will never put you in this situation again, and I’m not having sex again until I get tested and it comes back clean."
I grab the shirt from his hands and toss it on the ground. "I’m not asking you to have sex with me. I just want to be close to you. As close as we can possibly be without having sex. I want to be skin on skin."
I drop my bra and then remove my jeans and panties before climbing into Jared's bed in my birthday suit. I slide under the comforter and wait for him expectantly.
"Do you think that's a good idea? What if you get... urges? I don't know if I'll have the willpower to resist you and I really shouldn't have sex right now."
"Jared, I promise, I just want to lay with you. I have no energy to even think about sex, and I can honestly say I have no desire for it after today."
He nods his head and starts to strip off his clothing. He removes everything but his boxers, and starts to climb into bed.
"Everything, Jared. Please," I plead.
He silently obeys and removes his boxers before getting under the comforter. He moves to reach for me at the same time I move to hold him. My hands move around his chest and his hands move over to my back. We tangle our legs together and I rest my ear to his chest, listening for his heartbeat.
Everything that's happened between us is somehow washed away. The past few weeks of torture and barely acknowledging each other's presence is forgotten. I need him to help me heal, and he needs me just as much. We lay in complete silence and I stare out his window, watching the sky slowly darken as the sun starts to set.
I watch until all signs of the sun being there are gone, replaced by the glowing moonlight and twinkling stars in the clear sky.
Jared plays with my hair absentmindedly and
I draw small circles on his chest with my fingertips.
"Why are you so mad at Vivica?" My question comes out of nowhere, but it's suddenly all I can think about. "I mean, I understand why you're mad at the possibility of having HIV, but Vivica did exactly what you wanted to do with me. You were going to fuck me without a condom and I'm not in the business."
I feel him shift underneath me and I look up to see his eyes looking down on mine.
"You're different, babe. I knew it from the second I met you, possibly even before because of all the stories Tawny told me. I knew right away I had to have you, and I wanted nothing between us, not even a thin layer of latex.
"You've only been with one man," he continues. "So I knew you were clean and I just needed to be with you... inside you... one with your body. It may sound corny, or like some bullshit line out of a movie, but I knew you could save me, purify me and make me whole again. You might not have been a virgin, but the women I sleep with have bed post counts almost as high as mine.
"You're different. Sex means something to you and you dedicated eight years of your life to one man. I knew if you agreed to sleep with me, I must mean something to you, too, and I didn't want that tainted by a condom."
His words have a healing effect on me. I’m no longer worried about the events of today because he's pouring his feelings out, and I'm the sponge absorbing every last word.
"Vivica's reckless, she always has been. She has daddy issues and goes out to bars so that she can fuck some middle-aged drunk who subconsciously reminds her of the man that abandoned her. We've all talked to her about being safe, but when she gets around these men she's searching for their approval. If they don't want to wear a condom, she doesn't fucking make them. That's why I was so pissed earlier.
"When production start up again, I'm breaking her loose from her contract with my company. I can't have my stars being so reckless with other people's lives."
I lower my eyes from his and continue to draw circles on his chest.
"Is it true what Kelly said? Have you really not filmed any scenes for weeks?"
Changing His Game Page 17