Finding Freia Lockhart

by Aimee Said

  When we get to Mr Naidoo’s classroom it only seems natural to sit with her. If Kate misses my company, she doesn’t show it. She sits between Bethanee and Brianna, passing notes to both of them while I-Do gives an impassioned speech about the importance of sound essay structure. Vicky listens with a rapt expression. Funny, I’d never have picked him as her type.

  At the end of class I literally throw my essay on I-Do’s desk and run for the gate.

  Normally, if I go to the Parkville shops after school, I catch the bus, since it’s a twenty-minute walk. But that’d mean getting on the School Special with the Bs, so I take a circuitous short cut through residential streets, walking towards my goal like a woman possessed. I’m almost certain that when I get to Switch Daniel will be sitting at his usual table, eating his usual post-school lasagna. So certain, in fact, that I feel almost stupid for going there, as if he’s going to look at me and say, “Well, where else would I be?” Still, I have to see for myself.

  I barely register Nicky’s VW parked outside the cafe. She looks surprised to see me, but I don’t have time to explain. I march straight to the back room. It’s empty. Completely empty. No Daniel. No lasagna. I slump on the couch where Siouxsie and I sat, my head in my hands. The feeling of dread returns to the pit of my stomach.

  “Freia, what’s wrong?” Nicky sits down next to me.

  “It’s Daniel,” I tell her, no longer caring how stupid I sound. “He’s gone and I thought he would be here and he’s not and it’s my fault for not asking him what was wrong …” I want to say more, but I’m kind of hyperventilating and it’s getting hard to talk.

  “Okay, start at the beginning,” she says. And I go over it all again.

  I tell Nicky about Daniel and his reasons for running away, and about how guilty I feel for not doing anything to stop him.

  “I was so busy telling everyone that he wasn’t my friend so they wouldn’t treat me the way they treat him, that I ended up being just as much of a bitch to him as they were,” I say, finally admitting to myself why I feel so terrible. “I’m as bad as any of the Bs.”

  Jay puts a hot chocolate overflowing with marshmallows in front of me. “They say hot, sweet tea’s the best thing for shock, but I figured this’d be more comforting.”

  “This isn’t your fault, Freia,” says Nicky. “With the benefit of hindsight you might see some things you could have done differently, but we’re each responsible for ourselves, and that’s all we can be.”

  “But that’s just it, I feel like I don’t even know who I am any more. I don’t want to be anything like the Bs, but I also don’t want them to single me out for being different to them. Does that even make sense?”

  Nicky nods but doesn’t say anything so I continue, “It’s like Kate’s whole ‘get a boyfriend’ thing. I mean, of course I want to meet a nice guy and fall madly in love and take long walks along the beach at sunset, but not with just any guy, and not just for the sake of doing it. And, yeah, I do want to look cool, but I don’t want to be flashing my undies in some tiny skirt to do it. And I like hanging out with Siouxsie and Steph and Vicky and talking about something other than what Cosmo says is hot this month …”

  “It sounds to me like you know yourself pretty well,” says Nicky. “Perhaps you just need to let other people get to know you?”

  30

  It was inevitable that word about Daniel would get around Westside eventually, but I wasn’t prepared to be bombarded the moment I entered the locker room the next morning.

  “Is it true Skeletor’s in rehab?” asks Belinda, with a distinct note of joy in her voice.

  “Jamie reckons he’s been charged by the police and they won’t let him back on school grounds. Is that it?” says Bethanee.

  “Steve heard that he’s in juvenile detention and they’re planning to keep him there for a few months,” says Brianna. “Is it true, Freia?”

  “How would Freia know?” says Kate, giving me a nervous look.

  My instincts tell me to shut up, but the anger building inside me has other ideas.

  “It’s not as if you care what’s happened to Daniel, so why do you want to know? Don’t you have anything better to do than gossip about some guy you wouldn’t even spit on if he was on fire?”

  “Since when did you become the defender of Skeletor’s honour?” asks Belinda. “Are you and him and Siouxsie in some kind of weird love triangle or something?”

  “Is that why he hasn’t been around?” sneers Bethanee. “Because you and Morticia have worn him out?”

  I look to Kate to intervene, but she ducks her head into her locker. I search my brain for a witty comeback, but all that comes out of my mouth before I slam my locker door and race from the room is, “Why don’t you bitches just fuck off?”

  I go to the bathroom and wash my face, which is burning with a combination of rage and humiliation. By the time I feel calm enough to go to Maths Mr McLaren is halfway through rollcall. Kate is sitting between Bethanee and Brianna, and Bethanee’s bag is on what is usually my chair. I take a seat on the other side of the room.

  Kate is waiting for me at recess. There’s an awkward silence between us until finally she blurts out, “Look, Freia, I don’t care that you don’t particularly like the Bs, and I know that you only hang out with them for my sake, but you’re putting me in a really awkward situation. They’re my friends and I’m sick of feeling like I have to defend you to them all the time. If you don’t want to be around us, then don’t. Go sit with Siouxsie or Steph or whoever, but don’t pretend you’re part of our group and then take the moral high ground when it suits you.”

  Of course she’s right, but it still hurts to hear. Her voice softens. “Maybe it’d be better if we didn’t hang out together so much any more.”

  I nod, wishing that I’d had the guts to be the one to say it. When she leaves I feel shell-shocked, but also kind of relieved, as if a huge weight’s been lifted off my shoulders.

  Siouxsie gets to EE just as the bell goes and slides into the seat beside me. “What’s this I hear about you taking on Queen B this morning?”

  I squirm in my seat, trying to remember who else was in the locker room that might have told Siouxsie about my outburst. “Yeah, I kind of lost it.”

  “From what I heard you kicked some major B-butt!”

  “It was terrible. They were spouting all this crap about Daniel and then Bethanee said something about you and me and him being on together and …”

  “Yeah, I’m familiar with the scenario. If I had a dollar for every time the Bs called my sexuality into question, I’d be a millionaire, or at least a thousandaire.”

  “I, uh, told them to f-off,” I say, still feeling embarrassed about not coming up with something smarter.

  “Well, it seems to have done the trick. And for someone who’s just made herself the least popular girl in the school, you don’t seem too worried.”

  I think about it for a moment. “Actually, it feels pretty okay.”

  “And what about Daniel? Did your hunch pay off?”

  My good mood evaporates as I remember that he’s still missing. I shake my head.

  “I bet he just wants to make his dad sweat it out a bit,” she says when I tell her about my wasted trip to Switch. “From what you’ve told me, Daniel’s too smart to get himself into any real danger.”

  “I know you’re probably right, but …”

  “But that doesn’t make it any less worrying? I know, but I don’t know what else to say to make you feel better.”

  I don’t get a chance to tell her that she already has because Reid arrives and starts ranting about our final P&P essays being due on Tuesday. I’ve decided to do mine on the use of female stereotypes in the book – I figure at least that way I can get a few digs in. Siouxsie offers to come over on Saturday night and force me to write it. I promise her double-fudge brownies in return.

  I’m shocked to see Nicky’s car across the road from school. Having seen her yesterday, it hadn�
��t registered that we’d be having our usual Friday tutoring session.

  “You don’t mind if we go to Switch, do you?” she asks when I get in. “I figured you could use more chocolate cake in your life this week. And Jay and I have tickets for an early show at the Astor.”

  “You and Jay, eh? So that’s why you’ve been hanging out there so much.”

  “Guilty as charged,” she says, flashing me a mega smile.

  “And that’s why he gives us such big slices of cake! I should’ve known it wasn’t my Successful Teen charm. I’m sorry, Nicky. I’ve been so caught up in school and the play and my own stupid stuff that I didn’t even notice.”

  “That’s okay, Fray. I was keeping it pretty low profile till I was sure there was something worth mentioning.”

  Jay beams when we walk into the cafe. I assume this is because the love of his life has just arrived.

  “Why don’t you go and get a table out the back?” says Nicky. “I’ll make sure Jay doesn’t skimp on our cake.”

  I guess this is some kind of lovers’ code for “have a big smooch” and, frankly, I’m more than happy to leave them to it. As I enter the back room, I see a familiar figure hunched over the table and a thick head of hair dangling threateningly close to the plate of lasagna in front of it. I gasp and Daniel looks up.

  “Hey,” he says, apparently not the slightest bit surprised to see me.

  “Where’ve you … what happened … how did …” My knees feel a bit funny and I plonk myself into the chair across from his, incapable of finishing any of the thoughts racing through my head.

  He smiles. “I’ll give you the short version. I got sick of my dad threatening to send me away so I thought I’d go live with Mum and her new husband at their place on the coast. Except when I got there they were busy turning my room into a nursery for the baby that’s arriving in about six months and Mum didn’t really think they could squeeze me in so she called Dad to bring me back.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I survived a three-hour car trip with my dad, so I figure I can’t be too damaged by the experience.”

  “I met your dad.”

  “So I hear.” He smirks. “Apparently, you and your mum make a formidable team.”

  “Oh yeah, Mum was pretty embarrassed by what I said to him, but I was so angry …”

  “Embarrassed? He reckons she gave him a proper telling-off. Told him to find me and listen to what I had to say and that he should stick up for me more.”

  “Really? My mum?”

  “So he says. It must’ve got him thinking, too, because he does seem to be trying not to be disappointed in everything I do. Anyway, how’s the play going? Am I going to have to wrestle Dazzmeister from the controls tomorrow?” He grins and I can’t help noticing that, up close, his lips look really soft.

  “Are you ever.” I tell him about my run-in with Darryl at Wednesday’s rehearsal and we chat as if we’re just two friends who’ve run into each other at the coffee shop. Nicky brings me a hot chocolate and asks if I mind skipping this week’s tutoring session because she thinks she has a migraine coming on. I know she’s lying and I’m grateful.

  At six Daniel says he has to go. “One of Dad’s ‘good father’ resolutions is to cook us dinner once a week. I’d better not be late for his first attempt.”

  “But you’ve just eaten a whole plate of lasagna!”

  “I said he was cooking, I didn’t say I was brave enough to eat it.”

  As he’s unchaining his bike, I finally get up the nerve to say what I’ve been thinking since I walked into the back room.

  “I’m glad you’re back, Daniel.” I say it without looking at him, and it comes out so quietly that for a moment I think he might not have heard me until he looks up and brushes the hair from his (blue – blue!) eyes.

  “Me too, Freia. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I can tell that Nicky’s already told Mum the news because when I get home she waits ten whole minutes before coming to my room and then spends another five asking how school was and whether I have much homework for the weekend.

  “Daniel’s fine,” I say when it gets to the point that I feel bad watching her trying not to ask. “His dad seems to have taken what you said to heart.”

  “What I said? I don’t know what–”

  “Something about how he should stick up for his son?”

  “Well, I might have mentioned something about parental loyalty …”

  “Thanks, Mum.” I give her a hug, which feels kind of weird because we’re not usually a huggy family, but kind of nice, too.

  “I’d better go and get dinner started before Ziggy starts gnawing at the walls,” she says, standing up and brushing imaginary lint off her trousers to fill the awkwardness.

  I crank up my little speakers and bounce around the room to the Ramones, only this time I’m not punching or kicking anything – I’m just grinning and bopping like Loony McLoon on loon pills. And every time I get a flashback to Daniel’s blue eyes I grin more. Boris gives me the death stare from the laundry basket, but I don’t care.

  Later Siouxsie calls sounding all out of breath to let me know that she’s just seen Daniel at her local video store. She ran all the way home to call me. I feel almost guilty telling her that I’ve already seen him when she’s gone to so much trouble, but she doesn’t seem annoyed at all, just relieved.

  31

  On Saturday morning there’s a definite buzz in the hall. It’s the final dress rehearsal and from the way everyone’s running around and Ms Burns’s voice is getting more high-pitched with every order she barks, you’d never guess that we’ve been preparing for this for over a month.

  I see Kate and wonder whether I should wave or go over and say hi or something, in honour of our new we’re-friends-but-not status. The decision’s made for me by Bethanee, who attaches herself to Kate’s arm when she sees me looking in their direction. She whispers something in Kate’s ear, they both look at me for a moment, then turn their backs as they double over with laughter.

  Ordinarily, this sort of thing would send me into a frenzy of making sure my fly’s done up and there’s nothing hanging out of my nose, but the sound of raised voices on the balcony distracts me from obsessing about it. As I climb the stairs, the source of the noise becomes clearer.

  “If you let that little wanker touch one button on that desk, I’m going straight to Mr Phipps to make a formal complaint,” spits Darryl.

  “Now, now, Darryl, I don’t think there’s any call for that,” says Mr Wilson, who looks like he needs a cup of tea and a good lie down. “Daniel’s already apologised for missing rehearsals last week. I think under the circumstances, Mr Phipps would agree that he should be allowed to enjoy the fruits of the labour he’s put into the production.”

  “He left that – that girl up here all alone last week. She could’ve destroyed the Lightron 5000 if I hadn’t been here to supervise.”

  “Oh, rack off, Daz!” says Daniel. “Freia knows just as much about the Lightron as you do and she’s a whole lot more talented at lighting design. You may have put her up here to babysit me, but she could run the whole thing single-handed, and you know it.”

  Darryl has his back to me, but I can see his shoulders rising with rage and I bolster myself for the torrent of abuse he’s about to let fly. He moves towards Daniel with his fists clenched.

  “That’s enough, both of you!” shouts not-so-timid Mr Wilson, stepping between them. “I don’t want to hear another word. We’ve got less than five hours to pull this whole production together. Right now the lighting’s about the only thing I don’t have to worry about so we’re all just going to get on with what we’re supposed to be doing and treat each other like human beings or I’ll have you both thrown out of school!” He looks from Darryl to Daniel and back again. “Got it?”

  Daniel and Darryl mutter their agreement. Darryl barges past me on his way down the stairs. Mr Wilson looks rather pleased with himself as he follows him.<
br />
  “Seems like I got here five minutes too late,” I say.

  “You didn’t miss much,” says Daniel, but he flashes me a smile.

  Ms Burns stands in front of the stage and claps her hands furiously until everyone onstage shuts up.

  “This is it, people. We’re going to run all the way through without stopping for anything until lunch break and then do it all again this afternoon. Let’s do this thing!”

  Daniel and I exchange eyebrow raises and he fades down the house lights. As the curtain opens, I bring up the stage lights. It’s as if he’s never been away.

  Aside from Luke waltzing in the wrong direction and almost knocking over half the chorus, the first dress rehearsal goes without a hitch. The Bs, unable to head to their usual lunch spot in their huge dresses, congregate at the back of the hall near the doors, making it impossible to get out of the building without crossing their paths.

  “You heading out?” asks Daniel.

  “Nah, I think I’ll eat my sandwich up here.”

  “I don’t blame you.” He looks towards where Belinda and Bethanee are standing, now flanked by Kate and Brianna. “They’re a bit menacing when you get them all together, aren’t they? Like baboons poised for attack.”

  “Actually, I’m not really hanging out with them any more.”

  “What, you gave up being a princess-in-waiting? I go away for a few days and the whole foundation of society starts crumbling.” Then he laughs and shakes his head and I get another flash of blue.

  “How was dinner last night?” I ask him.

  “Well, the so-called chicken cacciatore was inedible, as predicted, but the sitting down together part was okay. Dad seems to be making a big effort this time. He’s even missing a seminar on adolescent bedwetting to come to opening night.”

  “Wow, that’s a pretty huge sacrifice.”

  “For him, yeah.” He laughs, but it’s obvious he’s pleased about it.