FOR THE BABY'S SAKE

by Beverly Long

  She shook her head, almost laughing when all color left his face. She felt so good about the decision that his doubts couldn’t dispel her joy. “No. I said I would.”

  She gave Jamison a moment to recover before continuing, “I know it’s highly irregular. I know others might question the decision. But you know me, Jamison. You know I wouldn’t agree to this if it weren’t the right thing for me and for the client. I can do this. I can adopt this baby and make a difference in the baby’s life.”

  “But, Liz, you’re a single woman. You know we always try to place the babies with two-parent families.”

  “I know. But we’ve made exceptions in the past. This is at the client’s request. We always give special consideration to that.”

  He stared at her. Then he stood up, walked around his office twice, then sat down again. He didn’t say a word. “You’re sure?”

  “Absolutely. I’m scared. I’m not going to try to lie about that. It’s such a huge commitment. What if I’m no good at this?”

  “You’ve been good at everything you’ve ever done.”

  Liz walked around the edge of the desk and placed her hand on Jamison’s shoulder. “You know what drove me to OCM.”

  “Is that why you’re doing this? Is this more of the same? More of having to make up for not being there?”

  Liz didn’t take offense. Jamison had always known her better than most. “No. Jenny’s gone. I will forever miss her. I’m not doing this for her or because of her. I’m doing it for me. I pray that I’ll be the kind of mother this sweet child deserves.”

  Jamison put his head in his hands. “We’re going to need an ironclad release from Mary.”

  “She’ll sign it,” Liz said.

  “I don’t want her coming back in five years claiming that you coerced her into the decision. You don’t want that.”

  She understood the legal issues. “You’re right. That’s why I’m here. I want you to handle the paperwork from here. I know you won’t miss anything.”

  He looked up and let out a big sigh. “Okay. Let’s call Howard. He’s going to have to work his magic.”

  But Howard didn’t answer. Jamison left a message on his machine. Liz got up from her chair, walked around the desk and kissed Jamison. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for supporting me.”

  “What’s your friend the cop going to say about this?”

  She couldn’t wait to tell Sawyer. Mary had barely been out the door, and Liz had been reaching for the telephone. She’d dialed the first five numbers before common sense prevailed. She couldn’t just call him, chat about the weather for a couple of minutes and drop the bomb. Hey, Sawyer. Great news. I’m adopting a baby.

  He might be worried that a baby would change their relationship. After all, she wouldn’t be able to drop everything to go out to dinner. But babies did sleep. Maybe they could still work in sex and breakfast.

  “I’m not sure what he’ll say,” she said. “I’ll see him tonight.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sawyer rang her doorbell at seven minutes before seven. She looked out the peephole. He had on a blue sport coat, tan slacks and a white shirt. He looked good enough to eat.

  She opened the door. “I’ve missed you,” she said.

  “Really?”

  “Oh, yeah.” She reached out, caught his striped tie in her hand and hauled him into the apartment. She released the tie, cradling his face with both hands. Then she kissed him. Hard.

  She squirmed, pressed and arched, her hands racing across his back. She yanked at his coat. He helped, never taking his lips off hers. She pulled his shirt out of his pants, then grabbed for his belt buckle. Unzipping him, she boldly stuck her hand down his pants, wrapping her hand around him.

  He bit her lip and pushed her against the wall. “Damn,” he said.

  “I want you inside me.”

  He grabbed her bottom, whipping his head up when he found nothing but skin under her dress. He stepped back and shucked his pants. Then he picked her up, braced her back against the wall, wrapped her legs around his waist, and in less than a minute, when she started to climax, he followed her over the edge.

  Sawyer, his chest heaving, having come so hard he thought he might pass out, gently unwrapped Liz’s legs from his waist. He held her steady when she swayed. He rested his forehead against the wall, not certain if he’d ever be able to move.

  The mantel clock chimed. Seven delicate rings.

  Liz looked up and kissed his chin. “Thanks for coming early,” she said.

  He chuckled, knowing he didn’t have the strength to laugh. He lifted his head and stepped back. His sport coat lay near the door. His pants and underwear a mere foot away. He’d taken her with his shirt and tie still on.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Wonderful.”

  “You look happy,” he said.

  “I am. I had a great day. How was yours?”

  “Okay. I’ve got news about Mirandez,” he said. He tucked his shirt in and zipped his pants. “Let’s sit on the couch.”

  “Tell me,” she said.

  “We got Mirandez back to Chicago today. He’s taken up residence at Cook County Jail. There’s a hearing tomorrow. The judge will deny bail. That’s a given.”

  “That’s great.”

  “Yeah. There’s something else. We had to turn over Mary’s statement to his attorney. We put it off as long as we could.”

  “What should I tell Mary?”

  “Tell her that we’ve arranged for her to go to a safe place. There’s a hospital nearby. We’ve also arranged for help for a few weeks after the baby’s born.”

  Mary wouldn’t need help. “That won’t be necessary.”

  “Are you sure? It’s not a problem.”

  “Mary’s giving the baby up for adoption. She wants to go to school. If there’s no college nearby, you’re going to have to pick a new place.”

  He looked a little shocked. “Yeah, actually, there’s a great school about twenty minutes away. When did she decide all this?”

  “Just today.” This wasn’t how she’d planned to tell him. He’d surprised her. It shouldn’t matter. Maybe it just made everything easier. “Oh, Sawyer. The most wonderful thing has happened. Mary asked me to adopt her baby.”

  If he’d looked shocked before, now he looked absolutely stunned. She could see the color drain out of his face.

  “What did you say?”

  “Yes. I said yes. I’m adopting the baby. We think it’s a girl.”

  “Are you crazy?” He stood up and paced around the room. “Have you lost your mind?”

  She’d expected surprise. The anger hadn’t even been on her radar screen. “Sawyer, what’s wrong? You’re acting weird.”

  “How could you do this? You have your career. You love your job. You told me so.”

  “I do love my job. But this gift, this totally unexpected, wonderful gift, has been given to me. I want the baby. I want to love her and watch her grow. I want to make a difference in her life. I want her to make a difference in mine.”

  “No.”

  He said the word as if it had two syllables, as if it had been torn from his soul.

  “Sawyer, for God’s sake, tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I love you,” he said. Where his voice had been loud before, it was now quiet. She could barely hear him. “I’ve loved you for weeks.”

  It should have made her dance with joy. But the anguish in his voice stopped her happiness cold.

  “I wanted to give you time to get used to the idea. I didn’t want to push. I wanted you to get used to me.”

  “Sawyer, I didn’t know. I—”

  “Now,” he said, interrupting her, “everything has changed. I can’t be with you.�
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  Her chest hurt. She clenched her hands together.

  “I don’t understand,” she said.

  “I had a son,” he said. “He died. In my arms. His tiny heart just couldn’t do it.”

  A son. Why hadn’t he ever told her?

  “His mother?” she asked.

  “Terrie was a young drug addict. I didn’t know it when I got her pregnant. It was painfully clear by the time she’d had the baby. My son paid for her sins. He paid for my sins.”

  “Your sins?”

  “I didn’t protect him. I failed.”

  It started to make sense, in some horrible kind of way. “That’s the girl who died? Your baby’s mother died?”

  “The drugs killed her, too. Just took a few years.”

  Oh, the pain he’d suffered. Liz wanted to reach out to him, to hold him, but she knew she had to hear it all.

  “We never got married. I only saw her once after our son died. But I still didn’t want her to die. It was just one more damn useless death.”

  His relentless passion for tracking Mirandez suddenly made a lot more sense. “Sawyer, I’m so sorry that happened to you. It must have been horrible.”

  “You have no idea.”

  She let that one pass. She hadn’t lost a child. But she had lost a sister. She knew the emptiness, the absolute gray that had filled her world for months. She wouldn’t try to compare her loss to his. To do so would trivialize both. “It was a long time ago, Sawyer. You have to move on.”

  “I moved on. I made a decision that I’d never father another child. I had a vasectomy ten years ago.”

  Well! How could she have fallen in love with a man she didn’t really even know?

  That wasn’t exactly true. She knew Sawyer Montgomery. She knew what she needed to know. He was a good man, a loving man, capable of sacrificing his own safety to help a young, pregnant teen. She didn’t want to lose him. “Sawyer, you have to let go. Not of the person, but of the anger, the absolute rage that you’ve lost someone.”

  The look he gave her was filled with contempt. “I’m not some jerk paying a hundred bucks an hour so that I can lie on your couch and you can try to heal me.”

  “Sawyer, that’s not what this is. This is Liz and Sawyer, having a conversation. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

  “I’m not angry,” he said. “Who the hell would I be angry at? A dead woman?”

  She knew better than that. Even as a kid, Capable Sawyer would have wanted to handle everything. But he hadn’t been able to handle this. He still hadn’t forgiven himself. He tried to find peace. With every scumbag of a drug dealer he put away, he tried to buy peace. Only, peace wasn’t for sale. It had to be delivered. That only happened when a person gave up the hate, the absolute despair of being left behind.

  “You’re asking me to choose between this baby and you,” she said. “That’s not fair. I shouldn’t have to choose.”

  He looked at her, and a tear slipped out of his very brown eyes. He didn’t bother to wipe it away. “No, you shouldn’t,” he said. “I can’t let another child into my life. I won’t risk it.”

  Liz’s heart, which had started to crumble away at the edges, suddenly broke right down the middle. The pain, as real as if the strong muscle really could just crack, sliced through her body.

  With trembling legs, she walked over to the door and opened it. Not able to look at him again, she stared at the floor. “I’m sorry about your son. If I had known, I’d have done this differently.”

  “You’re saying you wouldn’t adopt the child?”

  “No, I’m not saying that. But I wouldn’t have just blurted it out. You should have told me. Everything now seems like such a lie.”

  He slammed his hand against the wall. “I never lied to you.”

  “You let me think you were in love with your dead girlfriend. I had no idea that there had even been a child. You lied by omission. For God’s sake, Sawyer. You let me worry about an unplanned pregnancy.”

  He didn’t respond. She didn’t really expect him to. She suddenly felt very old, as if her bones might splinter. She forced herself to straighten up, to lift her head. “I don’t want to see you again,” she said. “Jamison can be your contact. Give him the details about the arrangements for Mary.”

  * * *

  LIZ HAD BEEN IN BED for just a few minutes when the telephone rang. “Hello,” she answered.

  “Liz, it’s Mary. My water just broke.”

  Liz sat up in bed, fear and excitement making her heart race. “Have you been in labor long? How far apart are your contractions?”

  “Hey, you sound strange. What’s wrong?”

  Liz covered the phone and cleared her throat. She’d spent the better part of the past hour crying. Her eyes burned, she could barely swallow and her head felt as if she’d been kicked. “I’ve got a touch of a cold. Nothing to worry about. Now, what about the contractions?”

  “I’m not having contractions. I don’t think I’m even in labor.”

  “You’re sure? No pain of any kind?”

  “My back has ached all day,” Mary said.

  While Liz was no expert on childbirth, she had heard about back labor. She wanted Mary at a hospital. Now. “Honey, do you think you can take a cab to the hospital?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Perfect. I’ll meet you there. We should arrive about the same time. Just hang on. And breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.”

  She’d arranged just that morning for her car to be picked up and the dents repaired. She grabbed the phone book out of the drawer, dialed the number for the cab company and waited impatiently while it rang three times. They said ten minutes and she was ready in eight. The ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. Yet, still, she beat Mary’s cab by ten minutes. When it finally pulled up, she yanked open the back door. She helped Mary out and threw a twenty at the driver.

  “How are you?” she asked, hoping she didn’t sound as scared as she was.

  “I don’t want to have a baby,” Mary said. “I’m not doing this.”

  Liz wrapped her arms around the girl, holding her close. “Don’t worry. It’ll be over in no time.”

  No time turned out to be twelve hours later. Twelve long, ugly hours filled with swearing, yelling, moaning, groaning and crying. But when Liz placed the beautiful baby girl in Mary’s arms, the look on the girl’s face told her that it had all been worth it.

  “She’s so pretty,” Mary said, stroking the baby’s head and face. “Isn’t her mouth just perfect?”

  Liz nodded. The baby was a healthy seven pounds and two ounces and just eighteen inches long. Almost plump. The doctor had delivered her and said, “Look at those cheeks.” He hadn’t been talking about her face.

  “She’s gorgeous,” Liz said.

  Mary stared at the baby. “I love her,” she said, her voice filled with awe. “I just love her so much.”

  How could anyone not love something so perfect, so absolutely perfect in every way? Liz swallowed, almost afraid to ask the next question. She’d known she was taking a chance by letting Mary hold the baby. But Mary had been explicit. She wanted to see her child.

  “Having second thoughts about giving her up for adoption?” Liz asked, wondering if she could slip back into the role of counselor after having embraced the role of mother.

  “I’m not giving her up.”

  Liz nodded, afraid to speak.

  “I’m giving her to you. That’s different. I’m giving her to someone that I know will care for her and love her and give her all the things that I can’t give her.”

  Liz didn’t think her legs would continue to hold her. She sank down onto the edge of the bed. “Are you sure, Mary? Are you absolutely sure?”

  “Yes. I’ve screwed up most of my life.
I’m not screwing this up. She’s my daughter. That will never change. But she’s your daughter, too. She’s going to call you Mom. And you’re going to take her to her first day of kindergarten and make her Halloween costumes and make sure she has braces and gets into a good college. I know you’ll do that. If you’re half as good to her as you’ve been to me, she’ll be a very happy girl.”

  Liz couldn’t have stopped the tears if she’d tried. But she didn’t. She let them fall, in celebration of mothers and daughters, in thanks of second chances, in hopes that Mary would someday have another daughter to love. In a different time, in a different place.

  Mary held the baby out to Liz. “Here, take your daughter. She needs to start getting used to you. What are you going to name her?”

  “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it.”

  “Would you call her Catherine? That was my mother’s name.”

  Liz swallowed hard. “Catherine is a beautiful name. She fits it perfectly.”

  * * *

  LIZ HELD CATHERINE for two hours before finally returning her to the nursery. She left the hospital, choosing to walk instead of catching a cab. She needed the fresh air. It had been a long stretch in a stuffy hospital.

  She also needed to call Jamison. He had to get Mary’s signature on the adoption agreement and get Catherine released to a temporary foster home for a couple of days. Liz hated that part. She wanted to bring her daughter home right away. But she knew the rules. She wasn’t going to do anything that would jeopardize the legal standing of the adoption.

  By the time Liz could pick up Catherine, she assumed Mary would be well on her way to her new home. Mary had accepted the news that she would be relocated under the witness-protection program with cautious optimism. Liz knew the young girl was scared but that she also welcomed the chance to have a new life.

  At one point in the discussion, Mary had joked about calling Sawyer to thank him. Liz hadn’t been able to even smile. The pain of losing Sawyer tasted too fresh, too bitter.

  She would go on. She had Catherine. She had her work. Assuming Jamison would let her bring Catherine with her. That was just one more thing to talk to him about. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse. She’d called him shortly after she and Mary had arrived at the hospital last night. But then things had gotten a little hectic.