Wayward Hearts

by Susan Anne Mason

  “What about my father?” Jason’s brain still wasn’t functioning, even after his first jolt of caffeine.

  “The reason for this snarly mood you’re in lately.”

  “I’m not snarly.”

  “Call it what you want, but you’re not yourself.” Ma set the frying pan back on the stove, poured herself a cup of coffee, and then came to sit beside him at the table.

  “I’m fine.”

  The fib slipped out before he could think of another answer. He was nowhere near fine. He had no idea what to do about his feelings for Maxi. Her return to Rainbow Falls had become sheer torture, making him long for things he had no right to want.

  Like a family of his own.

  He pushed his chair away from the table as though he could push away all his baggage.

  “You hardly touched your eggs.”

  The disappointment in her voice made guilt curl in his stomach. “Sorry, Ma. Just not hungry.”

  He grabbed his cell phone, his keys, and his thermos of coffee and set out the door. She followed him to the driveway in her slippers and robe and laid a hand on his arm before he could get into his truck.

  “If it’s not your father, then what’s eating at you? You can’t sit still for more than two minutes.”

  He tried to curb his impatience, knowing her concern came from a place of love. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it’ll pass.”

  At least he hoped it would. As soon as a certain redhead went back to New York.

  Her brows rose. “It’s Maxi, isn’t it? That girl has you all tied up in knots like a hog-tied calf. Come to think of it, this all started after the fire. When you saved her life.”

  A jolt of anxiety made Jason’s head snap up. He needed to get that idea out of her head right away. “Stop messing in my business, Ma, or I’ll have to get my own place. I don’t need this constant pestering.”

  Avoiding the hurt in her eyes, he wrenched open the driver side door. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

  And before she could say another word, he threw his truck into gear and roared away.

  ****

  Relieved to find herself alone, Maxi poured a cup of coffee and sat down at Peg’s kitchen table. She’d hardly been able to sleep a wink all night. The scene at Logan House replayed in her mind like an endless tape on rewind. Her head ached as she relived the terror, which hadn’t hit her fully until after the danger was over. Her life could’ve ended last night, and that thought shook her to the core.

  What would she have to show for her life? What accomplishments, relationships, or good deeds could she claim at the pearly gates?

  Nothing came to mind. But the list of her mistakes and regrets would stretch from one end of eternity to the other.

  What was her purpose in this world? Catering to the rich, pampered women of Manhattan? Suddenly Maxi found herself wanting to ask God for help. Would He listen or just bang the gavel and pronounce her guilty? Guilty of wasting the precious gift of life.

  Tears burned hot behind her closed eyes. Her mind spun in circles, like a wheel stuck in the mud, spinning and spinning, getting nowhere fast. The past loomed behind her, mocking her with its ever-present pain, while the future hovered ahead, shrouded in fog. She couldn’t go backward or forward until she got herself unstuck.

  She drained her cup and rose to rinse it in the sink. Her mood plummeted further as she stared at the water circling the drain. Around and around before finally gurgling away. Like the thoughts chasing around her head.

  Thoughts of Jason.

  Once again, he’d helped her through a crisis. He’d offered her comfort, but had she shown any appreciation? No. She probably owed him an apology and a thank you. Unfortunately, that would have to wait until later. Doc Anderson had found a nice long-term care facility about forty miles away in Glenville, and she’d promised to take her mom to check it out.

  Footsteps echoed in the hallway, alerting Maxi to Peg’s arrival. She was dressed for work in what Maxi called her uniform. Black pants and a white blouse.

  “How are you doing this morning?” Peg gave her an odd look as she opened the fridge.

  “Still shook up a bit. Couldn’t sleep much last night.”

  Peg set the jug of milk on the counter. “Any idea what’s got Jason in such a state?”

  A thousand thoughts buzzed through Maxi’s brain, none of them suitable for sharing. Instead she shrugged. “I think he’s upset because I jumped the guy with the gun.”

  “That was a mite foolish, but it’s more than that.”

  Heat flared in Maxi’s cheeks. “What are you getting at?”

  Peg folded her arms in front of her ample chest. “You know I love you like a daughter. But the pair of you are about to drive this body mad.” She tapped her toe against the linoleum. “I think Jason’s full of feelings for you he doesn’t know what to do with. He’s so jam-packed with frustration, it’s oozing out of his pores.”

  Maxi didn’t have the energy for Peg’s theories this morning. “You’re wrong. I think his bad mood has more to do with his father being in town.”

  “He told you about that?”

  “I ran into them mid-fight. I thought Jason was going to kill him.” She shuddered remembering the hatred contorting his face.

  Peg sat down heavily on a kitchen chair. “So they’ve seen each other. I wondered when that would happen.” She raised weary eyes to Maxi. “Do you know if Jason is going to see Clint again?”

  “I tried to convince him to. He said he’d think about it.”

  Peg nodded. “It’s more than I could get him to do. Guess we’ll have to give him some time.” She rose from the chair, looking to Maxi like a woman old before her time. She turned and pierced Maxi with a dark stare. “You, on the other hand, are running out of time. You’d best figure out if you want my son or not. If not, make a clean break and get on with things.”

  For the first time, Maxi sensed harsh criticism from this woman she loved, yet the truth of her words seared Maxi’s heart and settled like a weight on her shoulders. It had never occurred to her that if she rejected Jason, she could lose Peg as well.

  ****

  As per Lily’s directions, Jason found Nick in the little office at the back of the Good Shepherd Church, his fair head bent over his desk, intent on the task before him. Trying to ignore the legion of wasps swarming in his stomach, Jason knocked on the open door.

  Nick looked up. “Hey, Jason. Come on in.”

  Jason took one step inside the door and stalled. Suddenly, spilling his guts to his friend and spiritual mentor didn’t seem like such a great idea. “You look busy. I can come back later.”

  “It’s nothing that can’t wait.” Nick rose from the desk and came around to where the guest chairs sat. “What’s up? Some snag with the renovations?”

  Jason shifted from one foot to the other and fiddled with the collar of his shirt. “No. This is personal. If you have a few minutes.”

  “I always have time for you.” Nick smiled and closed the office door. “Have a seat.”

  Jason perched on the edge of the hard-backed chair while Nick moved the other chair to face him. Not too close, but more intimate than across a desk. Jason leaned forward, his arms on his knees, his hands clasped in between. For some reason, he couldn’t seem to open his mouth and verbalize his confused thoughts.

  Nick bowed his head over his hands to murmur a quiet prayer. “Lord, in Your wisdom, allow Jason to trust me to help him. Give him the courage to say what’s on his mind, and grant me the understanding to counsel him wisely. Amen.”

  Jason had prayed many times with Nick, but now these simple words brought a lump to this throat. He took a deep breath and plunged in. “You once told me you had a bad relationship with your father.”

  If Nick was surprised, he hid it well. “Yes. My father was a drunk who beat my mother and me. That’s why I started the shelter. I wanted women and children to have a place to go in times of crisis.”

  Jason’s knuckles
whitened from clenching them so hard. “How did you ever get past the hatred?”

  Nick took a moment before answering. “I won’t lie to you. It wasn’t easy. I hated my father for more years than I care to remember. It took a lot of soul searching and prayer, but I finally got to a place of peace.” He paused. “It wasn’t until my mother was on her deathbed, though, that I truly let it go. Mom told me that she had forgiven him, and she couldn’t die in peace unless she knew I had forgiven him, too.”

  Jason bent his head over his knees and ran his hands through his hair. “I thought I’d gotten past the hatred until my father came back.”

  “Back? When?” Nick sounded surprised. Guess the grapevine hadn’t gotten to him yet.

  “A few days ago.”

  “Have you spoken to him?”

  “Once.”

  “Is he here to make amends?”

  Jason raised his head to look at Nick, not bothering to disguise the disgust on his face. “As if that’s possible. How can you make up for a lifetime of absence and indifference?” Even as he said the words out loud, he remembered his father hadn’t really been indifferent, had in fact tried to see him.

  “Maybe you’re afraid to let go of the anger and hatred,” Nick said. “Maybe if you heard your father out, you’d have to forgive him. Holding on to the negative feelings is a lot easier than letting down the barriers and risking a relationship with a man you don’t trust.”

  Jason jumped to his feet. A nerve twitched in his jaw. He walked to the window behind the desk to look out over the church gardens. Nick was right. Anger was easy. Letting it go was the hard part.

  “Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to get the full story? Even if you decide you can’t forgive him, make peace with it, and move on with your life. One way or the other, it will be over.”

  Jason turned and gave him a half smile. “That’s nearly word for word what Maxi told me.”

  Nick grinned back. “Smart girl.” He rose from the chair as well. “How are things with you two anyway?”

  Jason sighed. “That’s the other thing I need advice about.”

  Nick clapped a hand on Jason’s back, seeming to sense the restlessness in him. “Why don’t we take a walk out in the garden? I find nature has a way of helping me find clarity.”

  The two left the office and exited into the back garden. They walked in silence for the first few minutes. Jason felt a small measure of calm returning with the warmth of the sun on his shoulders and the buzzing of bees around the roses.

  “So you need advice about Maxi?” Nick finally asked.

  How did he begin to tell Nick about his feelings? Once he said them out loud, they’d be real. “Yeah. It’s been driving me crazy. I can’t think straight sometimes, especially with her living in our house right now.”

  “Sounds like you’re in love with her.”

  The simple statement hung in the air and then drifted overhead with the summer breeze.

  “I think I might be.” Jason glanced over to see Nick’s reaction.

  Nick’s expression remained neutral except for the slight upturn of his lips. “I take it this poses a problem for you?”

  They paused on the walkway before a small pond with a stone fountain in the center. The gurgling of water instilled a sense of serenity within the oasis the garden provided. The perfect spot to bare one’s soul.

  Jason turned to look at Nick. “I’ve always been afraid to get too close to a woman. In case I hurt her the way my father hurt my mother. I’ve never allowed myself to think of Maxi as anything more than a friend. But for some reason, in the past few weeks, everything’s changed. I’m not even sure how it happened.”

  Nick chuckled. “Love’s like that. It sneaks up on you sometimes. I know it did with Lily and me.” He motioned them over to a wooden bench with a view of the fountain. “How does Maxi feel about all this?”

  “I have no idea. I think she’s as confused as I am.” Jason picked a daisy from the plant to his left and began to pull the petals off. “Trouble is, she’s set on leaving for New York as soon as she can get things settled with her mother.”

  “And you don’t want to live in New York.”

  “No. I’ve always loved Rainbow Falls.” He hesitated and looked Nick in the eye. “I’d like to push for a fire station here in town. Contribute to the safety of the community. Be a better citizen than my father was.”

  Nick’s face showed surprise and delight. “What a great idea. We sure could use one around here.” He crossed one leg over the other and shifted on the bench. “You know, just because your father had problems, doesn’t mean you’ll turn out the same. Believe me, for a long time I worried I’d be physically abusive like my own father, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. With God’s help, I will never lay a hand on Lily or Annabelle.”

  Jason found it comforting that Nick understood the demons haunting him. “So you’re saying I’m not destined to abandon my family?”

  “I’m saying you’re more likely to be a wonderful husband and father, knowing how important a man is to a family. And God is our Father—the one we should model for our children.” Nick stood and Jason followed him as they continued down the path. “I’ve always thought love was a risk well worth taking. My one mistake with Lily was not telling her I loved her soon enough. I almost lost her because of it. But I realized I’d rather tell her the truth and face rejection than to regret for the rest of my life that I never tried.”

  Nick’s blue eyes burned with an intensity Jason seldom saw unless he was preaching a Sunday sermon. “How would you feel if Maxi went back to New York and you never saw her again?”

  An uncomfortable sensation churned in Jason’s stomach. “Terrible.”

  “I think you have your answer, my friend. Tell Maxi your feelings and let God’s plan unfold as it will.”

  Jason’s foot faltered on the stone pathway. His pulse sped up at the thought of what Maxi might say. But Jason knew Nick was right. He had to know one way or the other.

  “Thanks, Nick. I knew talking things over with you would help.” He pumped his friend’s hand in a strong handshake.

  “So you’re off to see Maxi?”

  Jason shook his head. “There’s one other matter I need to clear up first.”

  19

  “I need you to do me a favor, dear.” Mama sat ramrod straight in the passenger seat of Maxi’s car. The drive back from Glenville had been fairly quiet after an unsatisfactory visit to the nursing home.

  “What’s that, Mama?”

  “I need to pick up your father’s ashes from the mortuary. If it’s not too far out of your way.”

  Maxi jerked in her seat. “What are you going to do with them?”

  Her mother gave her a sad smile. “I think I’ll have them buried on the property. He loved that farm so much. It seems fitting to leave him there.”

  Unbidden tears burned beneath Maxi’s lids. With everything that had happened, she hadn’t let herself fully accept that her father was gone. “Sure, Mama. We can stop and get the ashes.”

  She didn’t bother to point out that they would be selling the property, and Mama wouldn’t be able to visit his burial spot whenever she wanted. First things first.

  Twenty minutes later, Maxi sat beside her mother’s wheelchair in the lobby of the Rainbow Falls Mortuary, waiting while the clerk retrieved her father’s remains. Mama sat in perfect tranquility, her hands folded on her lap, while Maxi jiggled and tapped and shifted in the guest chair. Unable to contain herself a moment longer, she jerked out of her seat to pace the lush green carpeting that muffled her harried steps. The unnatural stillness made Maxi want to scream. The scent of flowers and vanilla-scented candles seemed bent on suffocating her.

  “Maxine, come and sit with me.” Mama’s soft voice beckoned Maxi back.

  Reluctantly she returned to the chair flanked by a mahogany side table topped with an expected box of tissue. Everything about this place, with its air of death and grief
, made Maxi cringe.

  Bernice reached out and took her hand. “You haven’t accepted your father’s passing yet, have you?”

  The question jarred Maxi. Her throat felt thick and dry. “I guess not. I still picture him out on his tractor in the fields.”

  “I know you two hadn’t got on the best in recent years, but I want you to know he loved you very much.”

  Maxi flew to her feet, the blood rushing from her head. “That’s not true, Mama. He hated me for letting Drew die.” The words were out of her mouth before she had time to check them. She bit down hard on her bottom lip, not sure whether to control the trembling or to keep her from blurting out something worse.

  “Charlie didn’t hate you. You were his only daughter. He loved you.”

  Maxi shook her head in denial. Tears blurred her vision of the painting on the opposite wall. “He always blamed me. I know it was my fault. I should never have left the house that night when I was supposed to be watching Drew.”

  “You thought he was asleep. How could you know he’d sneak out to his treehouse with matches?”

  “If I’d been home…”

  “If you were home, he would’ve waited until you were asleep. You know how Drew was once he had something in his head.” Pain laced Mama’s sigh.

  Maxi swiped at the dampness on her cheeks. She’d never considered that possibility before. “He was a stubborn one, wasn’t he?”

  Her mother smiled. “Not unlike his older sister.” She wheeled over to take Maxi’s hand in hers. “The truth is, dear, your father forgave you long ago. Charlie actually blamed himself for leaving the matches out where Drew could find them. For taking me away on a romantic evening when he should’ve been home on the farm where he belonged.”

  Maxi tried to believe her mother’s words. “He never told me any of this. Just called me a whore for running off to meet a boy.”

  Not any boy either. Jason Hanley whom Charlie loathed. Jason personified irresponsibility to Charlie, yet he’d never even bothered to talk to Jason.