Fighting Redemption

by Kate McCarthy

  Pulling his key from the ignition, he opened the door wide and climbed out. Cars drove down the pretty, tree lined street behind him. People were going about their lives—somehow not knowing that someone so remarkable, and so utterly selfless, didn’t walk the earth anymore. How could they not see?

  Forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other, he walked up the front path to her door. Before he could change his mind, he knocked sharply, and after a pause, turned to stare blindly at the street, an envelope clenched in his fist as he waited.

  “Take this, Kendall.”

  Frowning, Ryan grabbed at the envelope from Jake before it dropped to the floor. “What is it?”

  “It’s for Fin. You know, in case …” his voice trailed off. “Anyway, we better get to this briefing.”

  “Tanner, wait!” Ryan called out with Jake halfway out the door. Jake paused and Ryan scrambled around in the drawer beside his bunk. He pulled out his own envelope and held it out. Jake looked at it, then at him, and Ryan hated the thought of what it would mean for Jake to be giving that to Fin. “Me too, okay?”

  They had a service on base in Afghanistan for Jake. The soldiers formed an honour guard to say farewell, saluting him as he was marched to the aircraft and flown home.

  With their deployment ending just a week later, his troop returned in time to attend the service held at home. Ryan had carried Jake’s envelope inside the jacket of his military uniform at Jake’s funeral, but he couldn’t force himself to go to Fin.

  Mike and himself, along with Kyle, Monty, Galloway, and Tex, had formed the guard of honour that carried Jake’s coffin to the chapel. His jaw clenched the entire way, fighting back tears.

  They’d buried Jake with full military honours at Karrakatta cemetery. The service had included the Prime Minister, the Minister for Defence, the Defence Force Chief, the Chief of Army, and hundreds of soldiers, family, and friends. Jake had been loved, revered, and buried as an Australian hero.

  Ryan had stood there, in a sea of army green, holding his breath as he watched Fin. She’d been beautiful in a simple black shift dress, her blonde hair tousled and loose as she climbed the chapel stairs. Walking slowly to the front lectern, she stood in front of a thousand people and spoke. His chest ached as her words had people laughing, tears falling, and hearts breaking. Then she finished with the lines that had made him so fucking proud of her.

  “Jake was a brother and a son, a grandson, a cousin, and now an Australian hero. I know a lot of people don’t understand war and what it means to be a soldier. Jake told me it’s not easily explained, but I know that despite him being gone, his sacrifice was made for those out there that are unable to fight for themselves, and for peace. I ask you today to spare a few minutes to feel the peace we enjoy in this place we call ‘the lucky country’ and know that it’s people like Jake, who give of themselves, that enable us to do so. I have a few small words Jake asked me to read in the event he didn’t make it home.

  ‘To my country, I hope I have done you proud. To my fellow soldiers, I hope I have honoured you in my actions. To my father and mother, thank you for showing me love …” Fin paused and looked up, her green eyes searching until they landed on Ryan. “To my brother Ryan, thank you for sharing your life with me, and to my sister Fin…’

  She faltered at that point and fighting tears, Ryan felt his heart crack wide open. Fuck it, he’d wanted to walk up there, grab hold of her, and never let go. Instead, Mike reached her side and took the bit of paper to finish reading it for her.

  ‘To my sister Fin, who’s busy saving the earth one whale at time, don’t forget to smile, because when you do it’s like seeing the sun.’

  Letting out a shaky breath, Ryan turned and rapped hard on the front door again. Hearing music coming from inside, he frowned. Tucking the envelope into his back pocket, he unlatched the side gate and walked down the side of the house to the backyard.

  Then he saw her. She was lying on a deck chair in a loose white dress with thin straps, her silky hair trailing over her shoulder. He ran his eyes over her, and tears burned behind his sunglasses. She’d lost weight. Her hipbones were prominent and her face thinner. One bony arm hung listlessly over the side of her chair, the other held a glass of wine she swirled casually in her hand.

  Ryan swept his eyes down her legs, his body still aching from wanting her. He swallowed hard and clenched his hands, realising he must have made a sound because she turned her head towards him. He honestly thought he couldn’t hurt anymore than he already did until he looked in her eyes. The green and gold depths, usually so passionate and alive, were empty, and he wasn’t sure what world she was in at that moment, but it wasn’t this one.

  “Oh, Fin,” he whispered thickly.

  Fin watched the man walk towards her through a fog. Her vision cleared slowly, bringing Ryan into focus. Her heart, so dead inside her, gave a strong thump, as though trying to wake up.

  He strode towards her wearing a deep blue shirt stretched tight across his wide chest and a pair of soft, dark jeans. Mirrored aviators covered his beautiful, dark eyes, and his hair—longer now—was casually windblown. His powerful presence reminded her so much of Jake that her stomach lurched.

  Fin set her wine down and swung her legs over the chair as he reached her side.

  He sank down in the chair opposite, his jaw tight. The pain etched in his face had her holding out her hand. He looked down at it, and her skin tingled with warmth when he wrapped it in his large palm.

  She forced a smile. “Ryan.”

  With his free hand, he pulled off his shades and tossed them aside carelessly.

  Her breath caught at the haunted look in his eyes when they met hers.

  “Fin,” he breathed, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he looked at her. “I’m so sorry.”

  She reached out and cupped his face with her hands. “A man once told me that guilt was the one thing he wouldn’t let me live with, yet I can see it on your face. Don’t take this on yourself.”

  Ryan closed his eyes, a tear spilling over and rolling down his cheek. He turned his head, brushing a kiss against her palm.

  “I miss him, Ryan,” she admitted with a whisper, her hands falling away. He opened his eyes. “So much. Why does God always take the good ones? How do I keep going without him? When I wake up in the morning, everything’s okay for a brief moment until I remember, and then I can’t breathe knowing he’s not out there walking the same earth, seeing the same stars.”

  “Fin. Look at me,” Ryan said firmly.

  She lifted her eyes.

  “Just one day at a time, okay?”

  Reaching behind him, Ryan pulled out an envelope, turning it carefully in his hands. Her name was written on the front, and her heart thundered in her chest when she recognised the handwriting.

  He held it towards her. “Jake … wanted you to have this.”

  Swallowing, she reached out and took it. “Thank you.”

  He stood abruptly. “I have to get going.”

  “I … you can’t stay?”

  “No.” He stared blindly out into the yard. “I can’t stay, Fin,” he whispered.

  “Wait!” She scrambled out of her chair and snagged his wrist as he turned to leave. “I have something for you too.”

  Fin ran inside the house, returning moments later with another envelope. “You have one too.”

  “Thank you.” His voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat as he reached out and took it. He indicated towards the front of the house. “I need to go.”

  She nodded and he turned, his long-legged stride taking him quickly from view, leaving her emptiness to return.

  Sitting down, she swallowed the last of her wine and fingered the edges of the envelope, opening it carefully and unfolding the single sheet of paper.

  Fin,

  If you’re reading this letter, then I’m sorry for leaving you behind. I’ve not really gone anyway. I’m wedged inside your heart where you can keep me alive, oka
y?

  I hope it’s a comfort to you that I haven’t regretted a single moment of my life, and that my reasons for leaving are so that others can live a life of freedom.

  Fin, you’re smart and brave, so know that I’m leaving Ryan in your hands. He needs you. He’s proud and strong, but it’s always the strongest that fall the hardest.

  Always smile when you think of me, and please, don’t be scared to love. It’s what makes life what it is.

  I love you,

  Jake.

  P.S. Don’t ever retire your Supergirl suit, okay? I want you out there saving those whales so your kids can grow up seeing them in real life, rather than in history books.

  Ryan slumped against the door of his car, swallowing the lump in his throat. He’d let Jake die and then for three months he hid from the world. Why hadn’t she been angry with him for that? He would’ve preferred the spark of fury rather than the emptiness in her eyes.

  Jake, you goddamn asshole! I want you to come back to life just so I can kill you all over again for leaving us without you.

  Opening the car door, he put the envelope on the passenger seat and slammed the door shut. Hearing screams from inside the house, panic flooded his body, leaving him ice cold.

  “Fin!” He rushed towards the house. “Fin!” He yanked hard on the front door but it was locked.

  Breathless, he ran hard around the side of the house. Wild screams pierced his ears as he stormed through the back door. What he saw almost brought him to his knees.

  Fin stood in the living room, her books—the ones she’d treasured reading her entire life—lay shredded on the floor, ripped pages littering every surface. Broken plates and smashed cups joined them. Even as he rushed the room, a plate spun past his head and crashed into the wall behind him.

  “Fin!” he shouted as he ducked. “Stop!”

  Held in the grip of rage, she didn’t hear or see him. She turned back to the side cabinet for more plates, chest heaving, her face twisted in anguish as she threw another.

  Ryan came up behind her and locked his arms around her waist, trapping her hands by her sides.

  “No!” she shrieked. She kicked her legs up wildly as he spun her around, walking carefully over the broken shards that would have torn her bare feet. “Let me go! Damn you, Ryan, let me go!”

  Her cries cut right through his chest as she wrestled free, shoving him off her as they reached the hallway. “Damn you!” she shouted and he flinched. “Fuck you! Fuck Jake. How could he leave me?” She sobbed hard and loud as her back slid down the wall, her legs unable to support her slender weight, and it ripped him apart. “How could he leave me?”

  Ryan sank down beside her and pulled her into his lap, rubbing her back as waves of grief split her open.

  “He’s out there, alone, buried in the ground where it’s dark and cold. I’ll never look into his beautiful, smiling face again, and I can’t stand it, Ryan,” she sobbed as she clung to him. “I just want him to come home. I want him home,” she choked out.

  “Me too, baby.” Tears blinded him as he pressed his forehead against hers, powerless to do anything but hold her. “I want him home too.”

  Ryan wasn’t sure how long he sat there rocking her, listening to her sobs fade into small hiccups and eventually a deep slumber. Not wanting to disturb her, he stayed where he was, his arms holding her as night fell around them.

  He pressed his face into her neck and breathed her in, allowing his lips to touch her skin. Feeling his blood stir, he closed his eyes, willing it away.

  “Ryan?” she whispered hoarsely.

  “Shhh,” he soothed and kissed her neck, letting his lips trail up her neck to her ear and murmuring, “Just let me hold you.”

  Ryan took a deep breath as she shuddered against him. He pressed a kiss against her ear. Turning her head, his mouth trailed gently along her cheek.

  “Ryan,” she breathed.

  Twisting in his lap, she cupped his face in her hands. The emptiness in her eyes now sparked with craving, and the blood he felt stirring became a roar in his ears.

  “Fuck,” he muttered, and ducking his head, took her lips hard. She whimpered under the pressure, her mouth opening to let his tongue thrust inside.

  Ryan groaned at the hot, sweet taste of her. With Fin still in his lap, he stood up. Her long, slender legs wrapped around his waist, his biceps bulging as he held onto her, pressing her into the wall as he kissed her until they couldn’t breathe.

  He tore himself away, rapidly sucking in air. “Fin, we can’t.”

  She slipped her hands beneath his shirt and finding skin, moaned as they travelled up and over his chest. “Please.” She leaned in and bit down on his earlobe with her teeth until he shivered. “You once told me you wanted to fuck me until you were blind from it, so do it.”

  “Not like this,” he said, his voice hoarse. “You deserve better than this.”

  “Fuck me, Ryan. Make me feel.”

  “No, Fin.” He stepped back from the wall and set her on her feet. “I won’t do this.”

  She shoved at his chest, and he stumbled back. “Fine,” she growled. “Then I’ll find someone who will.”

  Halfway into her room, he grabbed her wrist. “You aren’t going anywhere.”

  “After three months, you don’t get to tell me what to do!”

  Fin tried to shrug out of his hold, and fearful of hurting her, he let go.

  “Fine!” he shouted as she stood there, chest heaving, hands fisted by her sides as tears rolled unapologetically down her face. “You want to feel?” Knowing she would fall apart all over again if he was gentle, he took control. “Take off your clothes. Right now.”

  Ryan folded his arms, hating himself for taking advantage of her grief but he wanted her too desperately to stop now.

  Fin’s hands fumbled at the buttons on her pretty, white dress. Head bowed, she slowly undid each one with shaky fingers until he could see she wasn’t wearing a bra. Finished, she slid the tiny straps off her shoulders. Her dress fell away, pooling at her feet.

  His eyes consuming her, Ryan’s blood pulsed rapidly, making him hard enough to wince. Her breasts were small and firm, her nipples a pretty pink. As his eyes trailed down, his heart ached. Grief had taken its toll on her. Her ribs were pronounced and her hipbones sharp.

  Realising she was waiting, he lifted his chin at her cotton panties. “Those too.”

  She hooked her fingers in the waistband, her hands still shaking, and peeled them down her legs. Stepping out of them, she stood bare before him.

  How many long, painful years had he dreamed to see Fin like this?

  “Baby, you’re so beautiful,” he whispered gruffly. He tugged off his shirt and her eyes fell on his chest. He crooked a finger. “Here. Now.”

  She walked towards him, not stopping until her breasts pressed against his chest. Ryan moaned deeply at the feel of her smooth, naked skin rubbing against him. He tucked his thumb and forefinger under her chin, tilting her head until she met his eyes. Seeing the need that mirrored his own, he slammed his mouth down on hers. Gasping softly under the onslaught, her lips parted and he took advantage, his tongue thrusting inside to taste her. Wrapping his arms around her, his hands slid down her back and gripped her ass. Pulling her tight against him, Ryan ground his hips into hers.

  Fuck. He was going to come in his pants if he didn’t calm down.

  He broke the kiss. Breathing heavily, he nibbled a path down her neck. Fin’s hands grabbed his shoulders, her head falling to the side to accommodate him.

  “Sit down on the bed,” he commanded.

  She stumbled backwards, Ryan following her as she sank to the edge. Nudging her shoulders, she fell on her back and he hovered over her, taking a small pink nipple and sucking it deeply into his mouth.

  “Oh God,” she moaned, her hands running through his hair.

  Ryan shifted his mouth to the other, fighting to control the urge to ram himself inside her and fuck her hard.

 
Kissing his way down her torso, his tongue delved inside her belly button. Kneeling at the end of the bed, he ran his hands up Fin’s thighs and spread her legs, baring her to his gaze.

  Taking a deep shuddering breath, Ryan groaned as his tongue came out and stroked her. She bucked beneath him and he grabbed at her hips. “Hold still,” he ordered.

  “I don’t know if I can,” she breathed.

  Ryan held onto Fin as he licked her, focusing on making her feel good. He slid a finger inside her and she gasped, her hips moving wildly in time with his tongue and hand.

  “Now, Ryan, please,” she panted. “Don’t make me wait.”

  “Fuck,” he muttered. The taste and smell of her had his dick jerking violently in his pants. With his mouth still busy, he undid his belt with one hand.

  She bucked again, whimpering, moaning his name.

  Blind with need, he undid his zipper and pulled himself free. Grabbing her thighs, he positioned himself carefully and slammed his way inside her.

  She cried out and he stilled, licking his lips, tasting her on his tongue as her body pulsed around him, burning him.

  Ryan buried his head in her neck, shuddering at the tight, wet heat enveloping him. The urge to thrust was overwhelming, but he remained unmoving, a sweat breaking across his brow from the effort. “Did I hurt you?” he rasped.

  She shook her head and wrapped her legs around his hips, squeezing him. “Fuck me, Ryan.”

  Ryan drew back and looking into her eyes, slammed in again. “Nothing, Fin …” he breathed.

  “Nothing?”

  “Nothing…” he slammed in again “…has ever felt more beautiful than you do right now.”

  Christ. He didn’t just love her, he fucking adored her. He’d give his life for her if he had to.

  He thrust hard into her, over and over, the pleasure intense and out of control. Shuddering, she cried his name, clenching around him, and he let go with a wild groan. Gritting his teeth, he flooded her body, pumping himself into her until there was nothing left.