Fighting Redemption

by Kate McCarthy

  “I do. I left the keys on the kitchen bench … When are you leaving for Sydney?”

  “Soon,” she told him. She was really going to do this. Leave everything and everyone behind. Maybe Sydney might be a fresh start, a new life, uncomplicated and easy.

  “Give me your hand.” She stiffened, knowing touching him wasn’t going to make this easier, yet she offered her hand anyway. His fingers closed over it, turning it palm up. She watched his finger trace gently along the lines. “You have a long, beautiful life ahead of you, Fin.” Tears swam in his eyes as he looked at her. “Go and make Jake proud.”

  Ryan gave her hand a squeeze, his eyes memorising her face before letting it go, leaving her cold and empty. Lifting his chin, he gave her a quick nod and turned, moving around the back of the car to the driver’s side. He opened the door and slid inside, shutting the door behind him.

  “Ryan!” She took a step towards the car, and he rolled down the window but she couldn’t see him through her tears. “Be safe,” she whispered brokenly.

  Ryan nodded, wiping at a tear that spilled over and rolled down his cheek. “You too, baby.”

  Feeling herself die a little inside, Fin turned and walked towards the house. Without looking back, she unlocked the front door, stepped inside, and closed it shut behind her.

  “You’re pregnant.”

  Fin flinched, her body jerking visibly in the small chair where she sat opposite Doctor Jensen. After her initial appointment on Thursday and another week’s wait for blood test results, she finally had her answer. She’d been thinking an iron deficiency or some lingering virus, but this …

  “Can you …” Fin shook her head. Maybe she heard wrong. “Did you just say what I think you said?”

  Her doctor nodded, her glossy, dark ponytail swishing with the movement as her lips curved softly. “It’s a positive, Finlay. You’re having a baby.”

  Fin stood abruptly, her chair scraping noisily on the thick, gleaming floorboards. “I can’t … you …” Her hand, cold and shaky, moved to rest on her forehead. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure.” Doctor Jensen half-stood from her chair, her brows drawing together. “Are you okay?”

  “I don’t know.” Fin’s eyes collided wildly with her doctor’s. “Am I? You’re the doctor here!”

  Doctor Jensen reached her side and gently gripped her elbow, guiding her back to the chair. Unsteady on her feet, Fin sank back down into the slightly uncomfortable cushioned seat. Her doctor shuffled backwards until she rested up against the edge of her desk. “Finlay, look at me.”

  Fin looked up, meeting her doctor’s concerned brown eyes.

  “Are you doing this on your own?”

  “What?” she whipped out more sharply than she intended. “You think … I didn’t do this on my own!”

  “Finlay.” Her doctor’s voice was calm, as though soothing a wild animal. “When you came in over a week ago, you gave the impression that you and Ryan were no longer together. That’s what I meant.”

  “We aren’t,” she said, “so I guess that’s a yes. I am doing this on my own.” Fin’s eyes shifted to the window. The slats in the blinds were half-open letting the midday sunshine wash through. Birds chirped noisily in the tree just outside, oblivious to her turmoil. She turned back to face her doctor, unable to process the shock. “How far?”

  “You’re three and a half months along. You haven’t noticed your expanding waistline?”

  She looked down, focusing on the slight curve of her belly. “There’s a baby in there? I didn’t …” Fin didn’t know what she’d noticed except maybe some bloating. She couldn’t even recall what happened yesterday, let alone a week ago. Panic curdled her stomach as her eyes returned to her doctor’s. “Wait! Over three months? I can’t … you … But I’ve been on the pill since Ryan and I started seeing each other.”

  Doctor Jensen shrugged. “These things happen. The pill isn’t entirely effective. Did you have unprotected sex at any time?”

  “No! I would never do that!”

  Wait! She did do just that. How could she forget Ryan’s eyes, wide and panicked as he told her he forgot to use a condom? That day had been a riot of emotion with protection the last thing on their minds.

  She’d meant to sort it out, but instead she’d blocked the entire day from her memory, the reminder of Jake’s letter and her subsequent breakdown far too painful to think about.

  “We should do an ultrasound.” Her doctor waved towards a small machine in the corner with an attached screen. “Do you want to meet your baby?”

  Oh God. Ryan was going to be a daddy.

  Fin shook her head. “No. I don’t. I can’t. Not without Ryan. I can’t do this without Ryan.”

  Doctor Jensen tilted her head, her eyes calm and focused. “You can. You’re going to be surprised at just how much strength you can find when you become a parent. You have family and friends and my door is always open for you.” Her heels clicked solidly on the floor as she shifted towards the slim hospital bed in the corner. “Now come on over here and let’s have a look at what’s growing in there.”

  Fin pressed a hand to her belly as she stood, feeling nothing at all. No kicks or flutters or lazy rolls. No evidence at all that part of Ryan existed inside her.

  Half an hour later, Fin sat in her car, a photo of their baby clutched in her trembling fingers. She couldn’t take her eyes off it, not even registering the joy that was unfurling in her chest. In that moment, nothing else mattered except her need to see Ryan.

  Sliding the key into the ignition, her little car came to life at the same time her phone rang. Reaching into her bag, Fin plucked it out, seeing her mum’s name on the display.

  “Mum!” she answered rapidly. “I can’t talk right now, I have to see—”

  Julie cut her off. “Honey, where are you?”

  She frowned. “I’m just leaving an appointment. I’ll ring you later because I have to—”

  “Leaving an appointment? I don’t understand, Finlay. You need to hurry up!”

  Tucking the phone between her ear and shoulder, Fin slipped the photo carefully in her purse. “Hurry up? Mum, what are you talking about?”

  Pressing the speaker button, Fin put the phone down and backed out of the little car park. A muffled sound came through the phone as she inched her car into traffic. Her mother’s voice began cutting in and out.

  “Mum, can I ring you back a bit later?” she called loudly. “I can’t hear you!”

  Fin checked her mirrors and blind spot carefully before changing lanes.

  “Ryan … base ….” came through.

  “What?” Her pulse sped up. How did her mother know where she was going? “Mum? I’m on way to see Ryan now, is that what you mean?”

  More crackling.

  “Dammit,” Fin muttered as she slowed down for a red light. “Mum, are you there? Where are you?”

  “We’re at the base,” came through loud and clear.

  “At the barracks? What are you doing there?”

  She heard the slam of a car door. “Oh wait, Mike,” her mother said, “I just need to get those cards out of the car.”

  “Mum!”

  The car behind Fin tooted and she looked up, realising the light was green. She waved her hand in apology and accelerated, almost growling with frustration when her mother’s voice began to crackle again.

  “Mum, I’m going to hang up now, okay? I’m on my way to see Ryan and then I have to get back to work. I’ll speak to you tonight.”

  “Honey. We’re at Base Pearce.”

  All the blood drained from Fin’s face until she felt faint. “What?” she whispered. “You’re at the airfield? Mum? Why …” She licked her lips. “Why are you there?”

  Her mother’s indrawn breath came through clearly. “Finlay.”

  “I thought they weren’t leaving for another two days.”

  “The troops are flying out today. Now.”

  “A-are you sure?”<
br />
  “Yes, honey. We received word of the date and time of their deployment through the DFA support group. I’m sorry. I thought you would have already known.”

  Fin’s knuckles went white on the steering wheel. Ryan was getting on the same plane that took her brother away, and he was going right now. She wasn’t ready. He couldn’t leave. Not yet. She needed to see him. He couldn’t leave without her seeing him.

  Fin took a right turn and put her foot down on the accelerator, for the first time wishing her little environmentally friendly car knew how to move.

  “Mum, how long do I have?”

  “A little over an hour.”

  Her heart sank. She wasn’t going to make it. “I don’t think I’ll get there in time.”

  “Oh, honey.”

  “Mum,” she choked out. If Ryan wanted her there, he would have rung her, wouldn’t he?

  “You know Ryan well enough to know the answer to that question, Finny,” came a familiar voice in her ear.

  “What did you say, Mum?” she asked, chills snaking down her spine as she entered Roe Highway, her little car weaving wildly into traffic.

  “I didn’t say anything, Finlay.”

  Fin rolled her shoulders, feeling a cold sweat break out on her brow. Reaching towards her dashboard, she turned the air conditioning down.

  “I’m on my way, okay?”

  “Alright, sweetheart. See you soon.”

  Fin’s hands shook on the steering wheel as the speedometer climbed, her little car—unused to travelling at such high speed—shuddering wildly beneath her.

  “Slow down, Finny.”

  “Stop it, Jake!” she shouted. “You’re not really here. Don’t do this now!”

  Ryan, don’t leave. I’m coming. Please don’t leave before I get there.

  The RAAF base airport was crowded with soldiers and family, but Ryan stood alone, not wanting to intrude.

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  His fists clenched by his sides. The words had slipped out of their own accord. Ryan was supposed to be strong enough for the both of them, yet Fin was the one who stepped back, her spine straight as she told him it was too late.

  “Ryan!” His head turned swiftly. “Ryan!”

  Julie was waving as she and Mike made their way through the crowd towards him. His eyes were frantic as he searched behind them, his heart leaping as he looked for Fin, but he didn’t see her bright, tousled blonde waves anywhere in the sea of army green. Idiot, he thought, swallowing disappointment. She didn’t even know you were leaving today. Why would you expect her to miraculously appear and happily wave you off?

  Julie reached his side and he leaned down as she wrapped him up in a hug. He buried his head briefly in the motherly embrace before he stepped away.

  He turned to Mike’s outstretched hand and took it in his own. Mike tugged and soon he was wrapped in a solid hug by the only man that had ever been a real father to him. Mike slapped him on the back before pulling away.

  “You didn’t let us know you were leaving, son.”

  What was he supposed to say? I’ve left your daughter, but hey, I’m heading back to war, so come see me off? He would be lucky if Mike didn’t turn around and punch him in the damn nose.

  “I wasn’t sure …” He rubbed a hand across his brow. “Fin and I …”

  Tears filled Julie’s eyes and Ryan sighed heavily.

  “We know,” she told him and his jaw locked tight. “Fin told us about the program, about how adamant you were for her to accept it. It just shows us how much you love her to put her future above everything else like this. We can’t tell you both what the right thing to do is, but Ryan, honey, we just want you happy. Don’t you think you finally deserve some happiness for yourself?”

  “I am happy,” he told them and mustered a smile. “I love being in the Army. I don’t think I could ever do anything else but this.”

  “That’s not the kind of happiness I was talking about,” Julie muttered.

  “Leave him be,” Mike told Julie gruffly and looked at Ryan. “How about a coffee?”

  Ryan nodded. “Sure.”

  As the three of them sat down, Julie rummaged through her bag and handed over a bunch of cards. “These are for you.”

  Ryan thanked her and sifted through them quickly. There was one from Mike’s parents and Julie’s mother, Jake and Fin’s cousins and family friends. He tucked them away carefully when they finished their coffee, and adrenaline spiked through his system when the announcement came for their flight to board.

  As the three of them stood, Julie grabbed at his hand, panic flaring in her wide eyes. “You can’t leave yet.”

  He looked at her. “What?”

  “It’s Fin.”

  Ryan’s brows drew together. “What about Fin?”

  “She’s on her way here.” Julie checked her watch before meeting his eyes. “She should have been here by now.”

  “She knows I’m leaving today?”

  Mike nodded. “She does now. Julie spoke to her just after we arrived and told her.”

  Julie already had her phone out and dialling as Mike spoke. “She told me she was already on her way to see you when I rang.”

  God. He needed to see her, bury his head in her hair and breathe her in. Nothing had ever soothed him and at the same time set him on fire the way she did.

  “She’s not answering,” Julie told them after leaving a message.

  The flight announcement came again. All around him, family clung to their loved ones and tears were wiped away.

  “I can’t …” Ryan turned to face the both of them. “I have to go.”

  Once again he was wrapped in warm hugs. “I’m sorry. Tell her I’m sorry. Tell her …” His chest tightened until he could barely speak.

  Julie gripped his hand firmly and squeezed. “It’s okay, Ryan. I’ll tell her.”

  He looked to Mike and lifted his chin. “Sir.”

  Mike nodded. “Son.”

  With one last search over the crowds, Ryan turned and strode towards his troop. Glancing over his shoulder, he caught Julie, her face buried in Mike’s chest, her shoulders shaking. His eyes burned as he kept walking, disappearing from their view.

  Chatter was loud and boisterous, emotions running hot and high as the long line of soldiers congregated on the tarmac. Monty stood in front of Ryan and Kyle stood behind him, where Jake would normally stand, talking the loudest of all.

  Pressing his lips together, Ryan closed his eyes and Fin filled his vision.

  “Come here.” Ryan ran his hand over her bare hip and the curve of her ass as she tucked herself against him. “Kiss me, baby.”

  When her lips met his, he rolled her over, pressing her into the bed and kissing her so deeply it made him breathless. Fin’s hands circled the hard length of him, stroking him firmly and he groaned into her mouth.

  “Ryan,” she breathed against his lips.

  Ryan buried his head in her neck, growling deeply as he rocked himself slowly in her hands. Slowly, Ryan tasted her skin, inching his way down her body until he reached where his name was etched so beautifully into her skin. He traced over the mark with his tongue.

  Fin giggled softly. “If you keep doing that, it’ll wear away.”

  Ryan looked up at her from beneath his lashes to catch the smile on her face. “I don’t think it’s going anywhere anytime soon.”

  “…shoot any straighter, Kendall?”

  Ryan turned to face a smirking Kyle. “Huh?”

  “Jesus.” Kyle rolled his eyes. “I said,” he enunciated loudly, grinning, “do you think that letting your hair grow any longer is gonna make you shoot any straighter?”

  Ryan ran a hand over the back of his head. He’d loved feeling Fin’s hands pulling and tugging at his hair when he was buried between her thighs—the harder she pulled, the hotter he got.

  “Fuck you, Brooks,” he retorted. “You couldn’t lift a rifle past that fat gut of yours and hit a goddamn elephant s
tanding two metres away.”

  “Oh my God, you think I’m... fat?” Kyle widened his eyes in mock horror, splaying a hand over the well-defined muscles of his abdomen. “It’s the army fatigues isn’t it?” He twisted his head, looking down over his shoulder as though trying to check out his own ass. “They make me look podgy.”

  “Fuck podgy,” Galloway called out. “You look like the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, only greener.”

  “And dumber,” Tex added, laughing as he shuffled forward in the line, in step with everyone else.

  Ryan tuned the banter out and took one final, searching look towards the airport windows for Fin.

  Not seeing her, he turned back and following behind Monty, stepped up and onto the plane.

  With her heart racing, Fin pulled quickly into the parking lot at Base Pearce and parked the car at a wild angle. Yanking her keys out, she grabbed her bag and flung the car door open. Toeing off her heels, she tossed them at the passenger seat and with a slam of the door, ran towards the entrance. Elbowing her way through the crowd, Fin made it towards the large windows in time to see the plane taxi down the runway and lift off into the sky.

  “No,” she moaned breathlessly.

  Dropping her bag, she pressed both hands against the glass as she watched Ryan disappear until there was nothing left to see but bright blue sky and fluffy clouds. She hadn’t made it. Closing her eyes, Fin rested her forehead against the glass, her breath puffing softly against the gleaming window. She would be holding this baby in her arms before he even returned. Ryan would never run his hands over her pregnant belly with love; he would never feel the joy of their baby’s first kick or see their baby born into the world. She wouldn’t be sharing any of it with him.

  Goddamn you, Ryan. Anger cut a deep slash through the hurt, leaving her breathless. You talk about how other countries depend on people like you to fight in their corner, but what about me? I need you too.

  “Fin!”

  Fin spun around at the sound of her mother’s voice. Her parents were pushing their way towards her through the current of people beginning their slow exit of the building. She lifted her chin. “He’s gone.”