Fighting Redemption

by Kate McCarthy

  Ryan wiped away tears from his face, and for another hour he sat there—talking, waiting, and hoping—but Fin never stirred.

  With a hard sigh, he stood and walked to the window. He stared outside, not really seeing anything. His muscles ached and even under the heavy painkillers, his injuries robbed him of breath at every movement.

  Hearing a noise at the door, Ryan turned his head and his fists clenched automatically. He closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, Ian still stood frozen in the doorway like an unwanted illusion.

  “Ryan,” he said, giving him a nod as he stepped inside the room.

  Ryan bit down the urge to tell him to get the hell out. He didn’t want Ian here, witnessing him falling apart, reminding him of what Ian and Fin had shared.

  “I saw her once, while you were away,” Ian told him. “Did she tell you that?”

  Ryan shook his head mutely, not trusting himself to speak.

  “She was walking down the street in this long, flowing summer dress. I caught the flash of blonde hair and called out. When she turned around it was like I’d been punched.” He stepped closer to the bed, towards Fin, his eyes running the length of her, taking in the machines, the tubes, the deep bruising under her eyes. “I felt so cheated,” he whispered—almost as though he was telling Fin and not Ryan—until Ian paused, his strained eyes finding their way to his. “She gave you what I always wanted.” Ian looked back to Fin. “Maybe I was an asshole, but you were the one that abandoned her. I’ve loved her since forever, and you …”

  Don’t say it, Ian. Don’t fucking say it.

  “You broke her,” Ian told him hoarsely.

  A rush of anger crashed into Ryan, so overwhelming it left him dizzy. “Don’t talk about shit you know nothing about,” he growled, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he struggled to rein himself in.

  “You left her!” came Ian’s cry of accusation. “I heard what you did. I wanted her. I would have given her everything, but all she ever wanted was …”

  “Me,” Ryan replied when Ian trailed off, and all Ryan ever wanted was a better life for her. What a fucking mess he’d made of everything.

  “You don’t deserve her,” Ian ground out. The bitterness edging his voice had Ryan gritting his teeth. “You never did.”

  “Who do you think you are to talk about what I do or don’t deserve? You know nothing about my life and you know nothing about Fin’s!” Jealous rage leaked wildly into his system, and he couldn’t fight against it; he was too worn out, and his heart too broken. “She might have loved you once, but she was never yours. She always belonged to me!”

  “That’s your fault!” Ian cried out, jabbing his finger as he took a step towards Ryan. “You were always there! Even after you left, you were always there between the two of us. God knows I tried, but you had your fucking hold on her and she couldn’t—”

  “Will you both stop!” Julie cried out, appearing in the doorway pale and shaken. “Now is not the time or the place. Ian, if you came here to start a fight, you can leave right now. Come back when you’ve cooled off. And Ryan…” Julie turned to look at him, disappointment clouding her eyes “…I thought better of you than this.”

  Ryan flinched, her words a whiplash.

  “Julie.” Ian gave a short nod. “I’ll come back later,” he told her and with a final, bitter glance at Ryan, he turned and strode from the room.

  “I’m sorry,” Ryan murmured.

  “Don’t. I shouldn’t … You’re not yourself. I get that.”

  “That guy always brings out the worst in me.”

  Julie walked over to Fin’s bed. She brushed gently at Fin’s soft hair, tucking it behind her ears with so much love in her eyes it hurt to watch. “And Fin always brought out the best in you.”

  After hesitating, he said, “Sometimes I wish that I had—”

  “I know what you’re going to say, Ryan, and don’t. You both had your own growing to do, you especially.” Julie stopped stroking Fin’s hair to look at him. “Neither of you were ready for what everyone could see between the two of you. You did what you thought was best at the time by leaving. You needed to do that, for yourself, but then you did it again, Ryan, and that didn’t just hurt Fin, okay?”

  “Julie, I’m sorry.”

  “Stop apologising. That’s not why I’m telling you this.”

  “Then why?”

  “Because you’ve always been our son. We’ve always loved you. You see how much you want the best for Fin, how you want her to have everything? We want that for her too, but we feel the same way about you. We want that for you as well.” Julie’s eyes were firm, her jaw set determinedly as though expecting him to deny her words. “Stop trying to be a hero all the time. You’re so busy saving everyone else you forget about yourself.”

  Turning to look back out the window, Ryan tucked his hands into his pockets. “Saving people is my job.”

  Julie sighed loudly. “That’s not what I meant.”

  Ryan stared at his reflection. He looked like hell. Fitting, considering that’s where he was. “I know what you meant. Leaving Fin was a mistake. I know that now.”

  After his wounds were re-bandaged and more pain meds administered, Ryan found himself in the neonatal unit, staring down at his son. At just five pound six ounces, his boy was tiny, but “a real fighter,” the nearby nurse told him with a happy grin.

  “His mother is too,” Ryan murmured softly, his eyes taking in every inch of the soft skin, huge brown eyes, and thick, silky cap of dark hair.

  The nurse came over to his side, looking between the two of them. “He’s all you.”

  Ryan tried to smile up at her, but he couldn’t force his eyes away. “Poor little guy.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that,” she said as she picked up a chart and began scribbling. “Besides, he’s probably his mother on the inside.”

  Ryan looked up swiftly then, his eyes wide as they focused on her. “You think so?”

  “Of course,” she replied firmly. “This one is a real sweetie. We all fight over who gets to hold him.” She smiled again, full force, before tucking the chart away and pressing a button on the crib. “You ready to hold him?”

  He panicked at the thought. What if he got all tangled in the tubes and dropped him? “I …” Ryan hesitated. “What’s that tube through his nose? Is that … can I …”

  She waved a hand at him casually, brushing off his question. “That’s just the feeding tube. It’ll come out in a few days. He’s just in here until we know he’s going to be safe against infection, that’s all. He’s doing just fine.”

  She slid her hands beneath his son’s neck and bottom, lifting him with practiced ease. Ryan watched her hold his son out towards him, and he took hold, his movements awkward and hesitant. Eventually settled in his arms and the nurse satisfied Ryan wasn’t going to panic, she walked away, other tiny little patients demanding her attention.

  “You know,” she said, pausing as she reached another stirring little baby nearby, “we only know him as Baby Tanner. Does your little guy have a name?”

  Trailing a finger down an unbelievably soft cheek, Ryan watched his little boy yawn, his tiny fists clenching as he shifted about in his father’s arms. “Jacob. Jacob Kassidy Kendall,” he murmured. Jacob would be a Kendall, not a Tanner. Fin would pull through this, she had to, and when she did, she would be a Kendall too.

  “Such a pretty name,” she replied, moving further away.

  “He’s named after his Aunt and Uncle,” Ryan told her with pride. How he wished Jake was here right now. He ached for it so much.

  “Ahhh,” the nurse replied, picking up a chart and scribbling absentmindedly. “So he’s got big shoes to fill huh?” she called out with a quick wink before turning away.

  Ryan blinked back tears as he clutched Jacob to his chest. “You have no idea,” he whispered so softly the nurse didn’t hear him.

  “Kendall!”

  With Jacob tucked warm and tight in
his arms, Ryan spun around at Kyle’s shout. His eyes were red and full of tears. Slivers of fear wound their way through Ryan’s body, leaving him ice cold.

  “It’s Fin,” Kyle breathed.

  Feeling his heart stutter, he hugged Jacob tighter.

  “She’s waking up,” he told Ryan.

  Seven months later…

  Ryan stared out the kitchen window of the cottage and into the backyard. He’d mowed the lawn that morning, and now the sweet smell of fresh cut grass lingered in the warm afternoon sun. Pretty flowers fluttered from a light breeze that drifted across the garden Fin maintained with such care.

  Fin was lying on her side in the shade of the tree, a brightly coloured blanket spread out beneath her. Her head was propped in her hand, laughter in her eyes as she watched Jacob fidget wildly as he learned how to move his little body.

  He watched as Fin shifted to a sitting position and clapped her hands at a giggling Jacob. He was busy impressing his mother by displaying his new rolling technique, and she was lapping it up—encouraging him like he was the first child in the history of the world to perform the feat.

  With Fin by his side, it was his chance to finally be free of his demons, but seven months later he realised they would never truly leave him. Maybe they would remain dormant, but they were buried in his soul, just like Fin was.

  I can live with that, he thought, his eyes opening to fall on his family. As long as I have Fin and Jacob, I can live with anything.

  Ryan closed his eyes at the sound of their muted laughter, remembering back to when he almost lost her.

  “She’s waking up,” Kyle had told him, and Ryan had trembled with relief.

  Twenty-four hours after Fin stirred for the first time, they’d taken the tubes out and she began breathing on her own. He wanted to weep as he watched her eyes flutter open.

  “Ryan,” she rasped, her first word throaty and just a bare whisper on her lips.

  “I’m here, baby,” he replied, brushing her hair off her forehead with the flat of his palm.

  “Can’t see you,” she mumbled.

  Ryan was hovering above Fin, looking right at her; but her eyes were blank and unfocused, staring at the ceiling like empty pools. He buzzed for the doctor immediately, fumbling the button in his panic.

  “Ryan?” she called out, her voice cracking on the word.

  He squeezed her hand. “Shhh, sweetheart. I’m right here.”

  Her eyelids closed and she drifted back under again when the nurse came in.

  “She says she can’t see,” he told her.

  Frowning, the nurse left abruptly, returning ten minutes later with Doctor Lee, the man who’d been working around the clock since Ryan had arrived at the hospital. He went straight to Fin’s bedside, lifting her eyelids and waving his bright penlight back and forth.

  “Why can’t she see?” Ryan demanded to know.

  “How was her speech?” the doctor asked him, ignoring Ryan’s question. “Was it slurred? Did she know who you were?”

  “It was fine. Scratchy, from the tube, but otherwise okay, and yes, she called me by name, why?”

  Fin’s doctor moved to the end of the bed, picking up her chart. “We’re going to have to send her upstairs for testing. If you can return to the waiting room, we’ll come get you when she comes back down.”

  “Tests for what?”

  Dr. Lee conferred quietly with the nurse. She left the room and he looked at Ryan as he tucked the chart away. “It looks like Fin might have suffered a minor stroke while she was in a coma.”

  Ryan’s brows drew together. “A stroke?”

  “It’s common for this to happen,” Dr. Lee told him. “Her body’s been under a lot of stress, along with her heart. When blood flow—”

  “I know what a stroke is, but her sight? Is that permanent?”

  “I can’t give you any guarantees right now, but if it was a stroke, then it was only mild. Loss of vision can be one of the symptoms, but in mild cases, it usually returns within twenty-four hours.”

  And it had. Fin had overcome the twenty per cent chance they’d given her of surviving. They all watched the light slowly return to her eyes every day, until four weeks later, she returned home for the first time.

  After months of physiotherapy, Fin could walk without effort, but her body had suffered. The cardiac arrest had damaged her heart permanently. She would be on medication for life and was now living with twice the odds of having a heart attack later in life, or a stroke. It was something they wouldn’t think of. Whatever the odds were for their future, they would overcome them, just like they had for everything else.

  Kyle stepped up beside him in the kitchen, having just arrived for their late afternoon barbecue. “You ready to do it all over again?”

  Ryan shook his head. “No. Not this time.”

  He was clapped hard on the back and caught Kyle’s grin. “Well, last time you came home to a baby. Who knows what you’ll come home to after the next deployment, huh?”

  Ryan smiled slowly. “A wedding,” he murmured, taking satisfaction in seeing Kyle’s grin getting smacked off his face from surprise.

  “No shit?” Kyle peered out through the window, looking to the ring finger on Fin’s left hand. No doubt he was catching the giant sparkler right now. It was hard to miss. Rachael adored that ring more than Fin did. Fin did love it, but she was always scratching Jacob with it, or whacking it on something. She was worried the stone was going to fall out, but it was insured for God’s sake. It was easily replaced if that happened.

  “But it’s not the same,” she’d insisted, pouting until Ryan leaned in and nibbled her bottom lip with his teeth. “It would be a replacement. It wouldn’t have the same soul.”

  Ryan laughed. “Baby, that’s mumbo jumbo hippy talk right there.”

  “Maybe it is, but I’m all about saving the earth, aren’t I? I’m supposed to be hippyish.”

  “Hippyish?”

  “It’s a word.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Kyle said, bringing him back to the present. “That ring would pay off the national debt.”

  “Probably,” Ryan agreed with a laugh, bringing the beer in his hand to his lips and tipping it back for a long swallow.

  “When did you ask her?”

  “A few nights ago,” he replied, his eyes falling to Rachael and Julie as they returned to the blanket, both fighting over who was next in smothering his son.

  Ryan had been impatient to ask her. He waited months for her to heal properly, but when the right moment came, he was suddenly nervous. Waiting until Jacob had been sleeping, he’d made love to her first, so slowly he thought he’d go out of his mind.

  Afterwards, with her tucked in his arms, he’d told her to close her eyes.

  “Why?”

  “No questions. Just do it.”

  And she did.

  “Ryan?” she called out when his weight left the bed to rummage quietly in the drawer of his bedside table. Finding the ring, Ryan took it from the box, his hands trembling so hard he almost dropped it on the floor. He shook his head at himself. He could lock everything down in the middle of a war, but over this he had no control?

  Holding it in his fist, he said, “You can open your eyes now.”

  They flew open, finding him standing naked beside the bed. “Come with me,” he commanded, holding his other hand out towards her.

  Putting her hand in his, he tugged her from the bed.

  “It’s cold,” she told him, frowning.

  Grabbing the sheet and bundling it in her arms, he led her down the hall, and after undoing the locks, he walked her through the French doors and outside.

  “Ryan. We haven’t got any clothes on!” she hissed, her eyes wide as she pointed out the obvious.

  If he had his way, she’d never wear clothes around the house ever again, but she hadn’t liked that idea when he told her. You can’t win them all, he thought, grinning.

  “That’s what the sheet is for.”
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br />   Reaching the middle of the lawn, Ryan took the sheet from her and after shaking it out, he wrapped it around the both of them until they were bundled together. Her breasts rubbed against his chest, and he tried not to get hard all over again. He had a proposal to get to, not lawn sex, though that one time after they’d lost the house key in the grass was hot. Maybe after.

  “What are we doing out here?” she whispered, looking up at him, the cool air swirling harmlessly around them as they shared body heat.

  “Look up,” he told her.

  A smile spread slowly across her face, but Fin did as he asked. She tilted her head upwards, her long tousled waves flowing in the breeze as they fell down her back.

  He looked up with her. It was the perfect night. No clouds. Black sky. Clear bright stars.

  “I read the other day that our universe contains more than a hundred billion galaxies, and each one of those galaxies has more than a hundred billion stars. Did you know that every single one of those stars is unique? Out of all of them, not a single one is the same.”