by Justin Lloyd
The Ernest TV series can best be described as a combination of many of the different Ernest projects that Jim and John Cherry had done up until then. It was a little bit of the Ernest commercials with a splash of Dr. Otto, combined with “Ernest Goes to Camp.” Each episode had a clear theme, and the actors in each sketch touched on that theme in funny, imaginative ways. Cherry and the writers aimed for something beyond the usual cartoon fare. The show’s humor included jokes and references that parents would also find humorous.
Along with the usual cast of Ernest writers, Jim’s ex-wife, Jacqui (now going by her maiden name, Drew), wrote material that earned her a place in the opening credits.
The network originally wanted the show to be a cartoon with Jim voicing Ernest. If that had ever happened, so many of the expressive features of Jim’s face would have been lost. The wide-angle lens already added so much of the cartoon element anyway. Animation wasn’t necessary.
Gailard Sartain, no stranger to sketch comedy, joined Jim on the show and contributed many funny characters, including Lonnie Don, a dubious sound-effects expert who hosted a segment called “Lonnie Don’s School of Hollywood Sound Effects.” The running gag was that every sound he attempted to teach the viewers involved him placing the palm of his hand over his mouth and making a farting sound. Sartain’s most memorable character was probably Chuck, half of a Laurel and Hardy-type duo. Chuck was the fast-talking, highly energetic half who bossed poor brother Bobby around. The rail-thin Bobby, played by Nashville librarian Bill Byrge, showed little emotion and rarely said a word as he followed Chuck’s orders. Both actors had been cast in commercials for Carden & Cherry playing the same characters a few years earlier. The popular duo also ended up making big-screen appearances in “Ernest Saves Christmas” and “Ernest Goes to Jail.”
One of the many imaginative non-human characters created for the Saturday show was a buck-toothed puppet named Dust Bunny. The bunny’s ability to make Ernest sneeze was almost as impressive as the speed at which Dust Bunny’s own sneezes propelled him in and out of the room. The puppet wore a miniature pair of Chuck Taylors and told jokes such as how he was the offspring of lint and a hairball. Probably the funniest and most ridiculous of Jim’s characters was Baby Ernest. It was basically Ernest’s head protruding through a cutout in a bassinet, connected to an infant-sized body. Things he overheard from his parents, such as his father telling his mother her door was ajar (“a jar”) after entering the car, constantly amused Baby Ernest. At the end of every Baby Ernest segment he exclaimed, “Boy, grown-ups sure talk funny. Know what I mean?”
Spin Magazine was one of the many publications that gave the show a positive review. When a music magazine showers praise on a children’s show, you know it is not typical Saturday-morning fare. As CBS children’s programming director Judy Price claimed in the Dallas Morning News, “Weird does work for children if it’s good weird.”
The intention of Cherry, Jim and all the writers was to create a show that parents would want to watch with their kids. They were ahead of their time considering the eventual rise of movies like “Shrek.” Tongue-in-cheek humor was the rule on “Hey Vern” rather than the exception.
Perhaps the show’s 30-minute time frame and sketch format also enticed the writers into creating a Monty Python feel. After all, the team of Nashville writers, although extremely talented, did not have any experience writing for children’s television. But their inexperience led to a refreshing perspective, allowing them to create something new and original. Jim thought too many cartoons with “kids blowing up robots” ran on Saturday mornings, and the landscape needed shaking up.
Although it was a busy time, Jim and Janie did manage to get away for a three-day vacation to nearby Gatlinburg, Tenn., located in the Smoky Mountains. Jim did his usual browsing of the knife and gun shops while gorging himself on the tourist mecca’s famous fudge and saltwater taffy.
That same year, the next Ernest movie finally came together. A tropical-island movie concept that had been thrown around for months was ultimately scrapped in favor of a Christmas tale. Planned for a November release, “Ernest Saves Christmas,” was the second feature film for the character. The budget was double that of “Camp,” but at an estimated $6 million it was still low by Hollywood standards. The biggest problem Cherry encountered on the set turned out to be of the four-legged variety. The reindeer used in the movie were owned by Steve Martin’s “Working Wildlife,” a Los Angeles company specializing in animal actors. Right before their big scene, the reindeer shed their antlers. One remedy discussed was using some type of prosthetic. But after learning how tender reindeer heads are with their antlers gone, the idea was scrapped. No special effects like those we have today existed. All Cherry could do was wait patiently for the antlers to grow back. Unfortunately, the delay in production was expensive. Sounding like an angry Santa Claus, Cherry said to the Nashville Banner, “Reindeer antlers cost me a quarter-million dollars!” But filming the movie in the brand-new Disney-MGM studio in Orlando helped improve production values while keeping overall costs down.
As shooting was wrapping up on “Christmas,” Jim flew out to Los Angeles for The Comedy Store’s “Fifteen Year Reunion” show. Held at the Universal Amphitheatre, the event featured many of the biggest names to pass through the legendary club. Jim performed a short set alongside stars such as Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, David Letterman and Arsenio Hall. It had been a few years since Jim had performed stand-up, and reviews reflected on what might have been a little rust. The Dallas Morning News wrote, “An incognito and seemingly uncomfortable Jim Varney fired short bursts of one-liners.”
As far as “Christmas,” the plot involves Ernest working as a cab driver in Orlando, Fla. One of his customers happens to be the real-life Santa Claus, in town to turn over his duties to a new candidate, a local TV star who hosts a children’s show. During the ride with Santa, a teenage female runaway calling herself Harmony Starr jumps into the cab and is soon befriended by Ernest. When Ernest drops Santa off at his destination, Santa discovers that he has only play money on him. Ernest decides not to charge him and is subsequently fired. His boss kicks him to the curb along with a large red bag that Santa had accidentally left in Ernest’s cab.
As Ernest and Harmony try to track down Santa, a funny subplot plays out where Chuck and Bobby (played by Gailard Sartain and Bill Byrge) are working as warehouse storage agents trying to make sense of a peculiar crate. Despite obvious clues in the paperwork that the crate is full of reindeer, it takes Chuck and Bobby finally seeing Santa’s gravity-defying creatures standing upside-down on the warehouse ceiling (after escaping) to realize something is up.
Meanwhile, Ernest and Harmony stop by Vern’s house to put up a Christmas tree. This is the only time Vern “appears” in an Ernest movie and, like the commercials, the audience never sees his face, only his point of view. Temptation soon gets the best of Harmony, and she takes off with Santa’s bag only to return with it after her conscience prevails. She then helps Ernest and Santa find his successor, locate the reindeer and ultimately save Christmas.
• • •
During the week of the movie’s release, Jim was asked why it had received a PG rating. “Unusual cruelty to reindeer,” he replied. Cherry said later that he thought “Ernest Saves Christmas” was the best of the franchise. The box-office total of $28 million (the biggest return of any “Ernest” movie) showed that he wasn’t the only one who felt that way. “Christmas” continues to have the most enduring success of all the Ernest films and has become a holiday classic.
Along with making Christmas memorable on the big screen, Jim never missed a visit home to Lexington to share the holiday with family. Holidays were the rare times they got to see him. Needless to say, he was the star attraction.
The Varney family gathered every Christmas Eve and celebrated, as countless families do, by stuffing their faces and exchanging gifts. Jim was usually the last to arrive, due to social commitments with friends in t
he area. He always showed up with plenty of presents and an appetite that rivaled a horse’s.
He would hold court in the kitchen, entertaining family members for hours. The excitement he brought to every gathering was far more electric than the lights on the tree. He told stories, showed off his latest knife or watch purchase and imitated Johnny Cash. I remember the times he gave me lessons on topics ranging from the pagan aspects of Christmas to the correct usage of the bezel on my diver’s watch that measured oxygen-tank levels.
Through the years, Jim’s mother had established a standard pair of Christmas presents for her son: a silk scarf and a tin of homemade candy. Jim could easily identify the two gifts under the tree but would still attempt to inject suspense into the occasion. Holding what was obviously the scarf in one hand and the candy in the other he would say, “One of these is 2 pounds of candy, and the other is a silk scarf. I wonder which is which.”
One year, when the Christmas party was at sister Sandy’s house, her husband was having a difficult time getting the fire going. Jim walked over to the fireplace to help. After assessing the situation, he asked for a hair dryer. Everyone looked at him quizzically. Before they knew it, Jim had used the hair dryer to ignite the glowing embers and create a blazing fire. Santa Claus himself couldn’t have been as cool.
• • •
In addition to the new children’s TV show, Jim was having discussions with CBS about starring in a non-Ernest series. The prime-time detective show was set around an Inspector Clouseau-type character with a Southern spin. He said, “It’s going to be a little Rockford (Files), a little Barnaby Jones and a little Barney Fife.” Depending on the filming dates of the next Ernest movie, Jim hoped the show would be ready for the fall line-up. Unfortunately, like so many non-Ernest forays, nothing ever came of it.
The New Year’s Eve special was the last work Jim did for CBS. The children’s show was cancelled after the first season. Despite a letter-writing campaign from the Ernest Fan Club, the 13th and last episode of the season, which aired on December 24, 1988, turned out to be the show’s finale. Although it had received critical acclaim, some of the humor may have been too sophisticated for the kids who tuned in. Cherry thought the show, referred to by some as a “poor man’s Pee-wee’s Playhouse,” would have flourished in another time slot such as Sunday evening.
The disappointment over the cancellation became less painful after Jim was nominated for a Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Performer in a Children’s Series. He received the ultimate late birthday present on June 20, 1989, when he won the award (he had turned 40 five days earlier). Just a year earlier he had been nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst New Star in “Ernest Goes to Camp.” (The Razzies are the anti-Oscars).
CHAPTER NINETEEN:
THE LINE BLURS BETWEEN JIM AND ERNEST
Jim understood that being recognized was just part of fame. Of course, most people identified him with Ernest, and many even referred to him as Ernest while asking him to recite catchphrases and sign autographs. For the most part, Jim liked the recognition and was patient with fans. The few times he got exasperated were when someone would ask him to re-enact an entire bit from a commercial. He once recalled his reply, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have my window with me.” Some people actually called him Vern instead of Ernest. It was surprising how many people recognized Jim so quickly in public. Most of the time he looked un-Ernest-like. Without the familiar baseball cap, his thick curly hair was revealed. He was usually wearing a silk shirt with the two top buttons undone and a fair amount of jewelry. His near-perfect posture complemented the fluidness of his movements, which were more like those of a dancer than a klutzy TV pitchman. It was similar to watching the contrast between Christopher Reeve’s awkward Clark Kent and Superman.
But what was a minor annoyance is his personal life became a huge roadblock in his professional one. Jim said that he made a point to come onto talk shows and other TV appearances dressed as himself to prove “there’s an actual me there.” He hoped this would prevent him from becoming too identified with the character. It may have worked early on, but soon the line between Jim and Ernest became more and more blurred, and Jim seemed to give in to the fact that the industry and the public could not separate them.
At the 1986 Music City News Country Awards, as he had at the premiere of the first Ernest movie, Jim appeared in a tuxedo with an Ernest-themed black satin baseball cap. He was introduced as Ernest and began to act the part in a short scripted piece informing viewers about the details of the voting process. He wore the same formalwear when co-hosting CBS’ “Happy New Year, America 1988” two years later. His co-hosts referred to him as “Jim” even though he repeatedly called himself Ernest and essentially played the character during most of the show.
In 1989, Jim participated in HBO’s “Comic Relief,” the hugely successful comedy benefit created in the late ‘80s and hosted by Robin Williams, Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg. It raised millions of dollars for the homeless while showcasing many of the biggest names in comedy. But instead of Jim performing as himself, he participated in an eyebrow-raising sketch as Ernest.
A young woman dressed in lingerie, and her male lover, also dressed in women’s lingerie and wearing a leather mask, were getting frisky in the bedroom. Jim, dressed as Ernest, lifts up the bedroom window from the outside, leans in and yells, “Hey Vern!” With his childlike mind, Ernest believes the two are horsing around in their Halloween outfits. Before the skit ends, Jim pulls out a Comic Relief T-shirt and begins hawking it as if he was on a TV commercial. Of course, the whole sketch wouldn’t have been complete without his fingers being slammed in the falling window.
Jim was always willing to do anything for charity, but it’s unknown if he was asked to appear as Ernest or if it was his decision. He went on to play Ernest throughout the entire benefit show. It’s hard to imagine Robin Williams wanting to dress as Mork or Martin Short playing his Ed Grimley character during the entirety of their appearances on the special. Even at the close of the show, when all of the performers came out dressed in their Comic Relief T-shirts, Jim wore a vest over his with the familiar khaki baseball cap on his head. Whether he realized it or not, these appearances were cementing his association with Ernest.
Still, Jim kept trying to break out. His next movie provided him a non-Ernest role that was still within the realm of comedy. In September 1988, Jim spent a week in Atlanta filming scenes for the independent comedy, “Fast Food.” In the movie, Jim plays restaurant owner Wrangler Bob. Sporting a white suit topped off with a white cowboy hat, he looks like a skinny version of Boss Hogg, the greedy commissioner from “Dukes of Hazzard.” The plot centers around Wrangler Bob waging a personal war on a young woman and her wild college friends after she refuses to sell him the family gas station he has been eyeing for a new restaurant location. They become so irritated by his antics that they open their own restaurant to compete with him. The place proves to be a formidable competitor once employees unknowingly create a secret sauce that turns customers into sex maniacs.
The movie was released in April 1989 and fizzled out after poor reviews and sparse attendance. Film critic Richard Roeper said, “The script of ‘Fast Food’ is so devoid of imagination that it would have been more interesting to film the cast lunches.” His comment referred to the colorful cast that included not only Jim, but recently retired adult-film star Traci Lords and actor Michael J. Pollard, among others. After moving so squarely into the kid genre with the Disney movies and the children’s show on CBS, it was interesting that Jim took a role in such an adult-themed movie. Disney could not have been thrilled. Since the movie made few waves at the box office, it stayed under the radar and caused no apparent conflict with his kid-friendly image.
One thing that made life less demanding for Jim during the fall and winter of 1988 was the fact that he wasn’t shooting any Ernest commercials. He was negotiating a new contract with Carden & Cherry. Talks centered on the commercials Jim shot for the ag
ency and had no bearing on the ongoing movie deal with Disney. Negotiations were slow. Nearly a full year went by without an Ernest commercial being made. By mid-1989, Jim eventually received a new three-year deal that was to take the Ernest character into Europe and Asia. Jim joked later about how he had remained calm throughout the ordeal, knowing that “Paul Newman can’t do Ernest.”
The break in shooting commercials did allow him more time for his family. His mother had been diagnosed with leukemia around 1987; now being widowed, she needed her family more than ever. Jim helped out around the house when he visited, including keeping Louise’s kitchen knives razor-sharp. Although in his mind he was just making it easier for her to use them, her leukemia slowed the healing of any, even minor, cuts or scrapes. Luckily, the knives never caused her any problems. But whenever a friend or family member came by to prepare a meal and reached for a knife, Louise said, “Bo’s been here, so be careful.”
Meanwhile, although the Ernest team was disappointed by the cancelling of the children’s show, more movies remained on the Disney contract. One idea under serious consideration was called “Ernest Spaced Out.” The basic plot involved Ernest getting snatched by aliens and taken back to their planet. At some point that was put on hold, and later that summer it was announced that “Ernest Goes to Jail” would be the character’s next adventure. Shooting was set to begin in Nashville in the fall of 1989. “Jail” finds poor Ernest going to the slammer in place of his doppleganger who just so happens to be an evil crime boss.
While Jim was still deciding where in his house to display his new Emmy award, he found out he was to receive another honor that would be almost as meaningful: induction into Lafayette High School’s newly created Hall of Fame. It was the year of the high school’s 50th anniversary, and the reunion council made the decision to induct 20 alumni. On July 15, a ceremony was held at the University of Kentucky’s Commonwealth Stadium on a beautiful Saturday afternoon with a few thousand people in attendance. Other inductees included former Kentucky governor John Y. Brown and longtime NBC Sports commentator Tom Hammond.