The Story of Us

by Barbara Elsborg

  “He was.” He sucked in a breath. “Mum wrote Eric’s gay.” He gulped. “Did she know then that I was? At ten years old? I didn’t know then. The house was hers. She bought it with money left to her by her parents. The will leaves it to me and Tamaz, not our father, though that makes no difference now. I don’t know if Tamaz knows.” Zed thought about that. “He said to me—do what you like with the house.”

  “That doesn’t mean he wasn’t aware half of it was his.”

  “True. She says Dad’s increasing religious fervour was a wedge between them. His requests, then demands for her to cover up in public wore her down. She couldn’t leave him and take us, so she stayed.” He looked at Caspian. “I remember when she gave in, covered herself up whenever she left the house. Her smile looked different after that.”

  Zed looked through the rest of the letters. When he saw one addressed to a Gulshan Pasdar, with no address, his skin prickled. He pulled it out and as he read it, his throat closed up. “Oh God.”

  “Oh God what?”

  “I think I just found my birth father.”

  “Really? What does it say?”

  “My dearest one, you have a son. I’ve named him Hvarechaeshman. He has your eyes. Mine too. Blue and they’ll stay blue. When he was put into my arms, I felt as if I was holding a small part of you and I knew that had to be all I could ever have. I won’t send this letter. Better that you believe I went back to my husband because I loved him more than you. Better that he believes Hari is his son or I would lose Tamaz. Perhaps one day I’ll be brave enough to look for you and tell you the truth. Or tell Hari and let him look for you. You were my world. You are still my world. You always will be. We met at the wrong time and yet the perfect time to make a perfect child.

  All my love, Sara”

  “Oh fuck,” Caspian whispered.

  “My father must have found out somehow that I wasn’t his, but never discovered this letter or he’d have destroyed it.” Zed gave a little smile. “I feel weird now. I actually feel sorry for a guy who treated me like shit.”

  “Well don’t. Just remember what he did to you. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy. You have no idea why your mother cheated on him. I’m not saying he deserved it but you don’t know the details. You can’t judge.”

  “No.”

  “But now you can look for your birth father.”

  “Yes.”

  “Right now.” Caspian pushed to his feet and pulled Zed to his.

  Before they reached the study, there was a knock on the door. Zed grabbed Caspian’s hand before he pulled it open. “No disappearing, Houdini.”

  When Zed opened the door, Jonas and Henry stood there.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  When Zed let go of his hand to throw his arms around each of the two men in turn, Caspian’s heart pounded. Instead of backing off, he planted his feet more firmly on the floor. This had to be Jonas and Henry. The first man Zed hugged was tall and slim with floppy brown hair and wire-rimmed glasses. So he was Jonas, the musician. He had one of those faces that always looked happy. Henry was dark-haired and not smiling when he turned to look at Caspian. More…considering, deciding, judging. Do not shrink from this guy. Caspian straightened.

  Zed turned to Caspian. “This is Jonas and Henry. Meet Caspian.”

  They put out their hands and Caspian shook them, relieved to manage that without freaking out. “Pleased to meet you.” He wasn’t, even though he knew they’d been kind to Zed. But he’d wanted Zed to himself. He’d wanted to look for Zed’s father on the internet together.

  “What are you doing here?” Zed ushered them into the living room.

  “We were worried about you dealing with this on your own,” Henry said.

  He isn’t on his own. I’m helping him! Then Henry glanced at him and Caspian realised who the ‘this’ was. Not the house. Me. You fucking shit.

  “Looks like you’re doing just fine.” Jonas smiled at Caspian who didn’t smile back.

  “Want a coffee or something cold?” Zed asked.

  “Coffee,” Henry said.

  “I’ll make it.” Caspian reached for mugs from the cupboard.

  “Thanks.”

  “We’re here to help if you need us,” Henry said.

  Zed’s face was so open and happy. Fuck it. Caspian knew he was jealous. He couldn’t help it. These two men had been in Zed’s life when he couldn’t be. Been important to him. So important Zed hadn’t even wanted to leave them to go to university. Caspian should feel grateful, pleased for Zed, but he didn’t. His head ached. His skin felt as though ants were crawling on him.

  He kept his back towards them and listened as Zed told them they’d been clearing the house, and what they’d found.

  “Look at this letter. We were just on the way to the study when you arrived. I was right about why my dad hated me. I wasn’t his. I think I found my birth father’s name. He doesn’t know about me though.”

  Caspian could hear the excitement in Zed’s voice.

  “His name’s Gulshan Pasdar. I was about to google him.”

  “Ah.” Jonas’s eyes widened. “You don’t need to. Well, yes you do because there could be hundreds of Gulshan Pasdars for all I know, but I do know of one. He’s Iranian and conducts the Harley Symphony Orchestra in Boston.”

  “Boston in America?” Zed asked.

  Of course Jonas knows Zed’s birth father. Fucking great. The joy of the discovery had been ruined and Caspian knew he was behaving like a spoilt shit, but just as with the panic attacks, he couldn’t help it. Zed would go to America and maybe he’d stay there with his newly found father to catch up on the life they’d missed out on and Caspian couldn’t go, because with a criminal record, that was one of many countries he wouldn’t be allowed to enter and… Fuck. I can’t breathe.

  My heart.

  Caspian poured out the coffees, slopping the liquid onto the work surface. His lungs wouldn’t work. But he wasn’t going to fall to pieces in front of everyone. He slipped out of the room, out of the front door, managing no more than a few yards before the storm of energy brewing in his body exploded.

  So this is what dying is like.

  When Caspian came out of it, he gasped as if he’d just surfaced from a dive into deep water. He was no longer outside on the drive but inside on the sofa. He slammed his eyes shut again. Yesterday, he’d taken some of Zed’s father’s tablets and slid them into his pockets. They were hidden in his telescope bag in his room. A lot of use they were to him there. He couldn’t keep on like this. He couldn’t spend his life worrying he was going to fucking fall to pieces at the slightest thing.

  He opened his eyes. Zed knelt on the floor at his feet. Jonas and Henry stood behind him.

  “I’m okay.” Caspian didn’t try to keep the belligerence out of his voice.

  He sat up and leaned back into the cushion. He wanted to leave but he wasn’t sure his legs would carry him out of there.

  “You’re not okay. What’s wrong?” Zed asked.

  Caspian pressed his lips together. Jonas and Henry didn’t like him. They thought he was wrong for Zed and Caspian couldn’t argue with that. Nor could Zed if he was made to think more clearly. Caspian had been right to let Zed go. Now he had to do it again. Only in a way that didn’t make Zed hate him.

  “Post-traumatic stress disorder,” Henry said quietly. “How often are you having these attacks?”

  “What trauma?” Caspian snarled. “Going to jail? I didn’t… I didn’t have anything like this happen in there.”

  “The accident took place on a road somewhere around here,” Henry said. “I know you’ve never admitted your guilt. I think that’s a weight on your mind and now you’ve come home, the pressure of it is making you ill, sometimes making you panic until you feel as if you’re going to die, as if your heart is racing out of control.”

  I want to die. Then it will all stop. The thought brought him more comfort than he’d imagined, than he liked. But you’re wrong about the re
ason why I panicked. Then Zed took hold of his hand and Caspian held on so tight he had to be hurting him.

  “Medicine might help. Something like diazepam.” Henry stared down at him. “You could get counselling. I imagine there’d be a wait on the National Health Service, but your father could send you privately.”

  “My father won’t send me for counselling.” He almost laughed at the thought. The last thing his father would want was Caspian telling a stranger the truth, even if they were bound by some physicians’ code to not reveal what he said.

  “Why not?” Henry asked. “You need help. You need to talk to someone.”

  “My father won’t let it happen.”

  “But why?” Henry stared at him.

  “Because Caspian wasn’t driving,” Zed blurted.

  Caspian sucked in a breath. “Shut up.”

  Zed opened his mouth, then closed it again. He’d already said too much.

  “Don’t push him, Henry,” Jonas said. “Don’t push either of them.”

  Caspian could almost see Henry thinking but the guy shrugged and stepped back.

  “Let’s go online and see if we can find a picture of your father,” Jonas said. “Come on, Caspian. See if you can spot any resemblance. Are there any more clues about him?”

  “He had to have been in this country nine months before I was born.”

  Jonas nodded. “A good point.”

  Caspian found himself being ushered into the study. He stood behind Zed and held onto the back of the chair as Zed went online.

  “Gulshan Pasdar.” Zed exhaled the name. “Well, there’s only one. That makes it easier.”

  “Assuming it’s him,” Henry said.

  “It is. I’m sure,” Zed said.

  Somewhere in Caspian’s head he could hear Zed talking, going through where his father had been born, lived, worked. About his wife and four children and instead of feeling happy for him, he felt angry. I am so fucked up.

  “Do I look like him?” Zed turned and caught Caspian’s hand.

  Pashdar was tall and dark with laughing eyes. Blue eyes. Caspian could see the likeness. “No,” he said. I’m a bastard.

  Zed frowned.

  “We need lunch,” Jonas said. “Local pub?”

  “Just down the road.” Zed was staring at Caspian and Caspian pulled free and stepped back to the door.

  “You’re coming too.” Jonas got in the way of him leaving.

  Caspian almost said that with him there, they stood no chance of being served, but decided to let them find out for themselves.

  “We’ll drive,” Henry said.

  Caspian got in the back of the car with Zed.

  “Are you okay?” Zed whispered.

  Caspian felt mean. Snap the fuck out of it. “Yep.” He smiled. “You were right. All those times you wondered why he hated you. And it explains your insane gift for music. ’Course if you turn up as Gulshan’s long-lost son, his family might not be happy.” Why did I even say that?

  Zed sagged. “Maybe I should just be happy I don’t share my genes with the man who beat me.”

  “You should email him, ask to meet him,” Caspian said. “Tell him you’re the son of a friend of his. Give him your mother’s name and see what he does.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Henry said.

  “How will you find his email address?” Caspian asked.

  “Find out where he’s working now,” Zed said. “See if he has an agent, look for him on social media, do a web search, check web directories, use the Dark Web, or guess—using his name.”

  Zed had made that sound easy.

  “Are you a private detective in your spare time?” Caspian asked.

  Henry laughed.

  “Half-timbered houses and thatched roofs,” Jonas said. “This is a pretty village.”

  “If you look past the seething mass of hatred and lies,” Caspian mumbled. “Don’t be seduced by the beauty of the English countryside—it can turn on you in an instant.”

  Jonas looked at him. “You’re letting your problems spoil your view.”

  Of what, you fucking prick? “They won’t serve me.”

  “What do you mean?” Jonas asked.

  “Just what I said.”

  Henry pulled into the pub car park.

  “I’ll go and sit in the beer garden. If they don’t think I’m with you, you might get served.” He pulled a ten pound note out of his pocket and offered it to Jonas. “I’d like fish and chips and a shandy, please.”

  “Put your money away,” Jonas said.

  Caspian made his way to the rear of the pub and sat at the furthest table with his back toward the building. Zed sat on the bench next to him and when Caspian felt their thighs touch, he moved away.

  “You’re doing it again,” Zed whispered. “Don’t.”

  Caspian moved back. “Henry and Jonas are great,” he lied.

  “I sort of feel bad that I got so excited about finding my birth father. Possible birth father. Being with them has been like having the two best dads ever.”

  “They’re pleased for you. I am too.” Liar. Though he was trying. “I think you just have to set your expectations… Not low, but don’t hope for too much. Then if he’s excited to meet you, or didn’t know anything about you, it’ll be good for both of you.”

  Henry and Jonas came back with the drinks. Maybe it would be all right, as long as no one had seen him. They’d have lunch in the sun and everything would be fine.

  “How long is it going to take you to sort things out?” Jonas asked.

  “I have to go into the bank on Monday. I’ll speak to an estate agent then too. Mum bought the house with money she’d been left and her will says it belongs to me and Tamaz. I spoke to Tamaz.”

  “Did you?” Jonas put his drink back on the table. “Is he coming back?”

  “No. He told me to do everything. I’ll get a charity organisation to collect the furniture and clothes on Monday. I’m not going to try and sell stuff. Caspian and I have sorted everywhere except for the ground floor, shed and garage. Once that’s done, the house will be empty. Last thing into the skip, the mattress I’ve been sleeping on. I’ve changed the insurance on my father’s car so I can drive it home.”

  Don’t say anything. Don’t react. Don’t do anything.

  “I want Caspian to come with me.”

  “I can’t.” Caspian spoke quickly before they could say no. He couldn’t bear the idea of them disappointing Zed and they would.

  “I know you have to stay living in the place agreed with your supervising officer, but I want him to agree to another place.” Zed grabbed his hand. “If we can’t stay with Jonas and Henry, we’ll get somewhere of our own.”

  The food arrived and everyone fell silent. Caspian kept his face averted and hoped this wasn’t the same guy who’d spat in his drink. Oh fuck, how can I drink it now?

  He had little appetite but ate what he could.

  “Do you like music?” Jonas asked him.

  “Yes.”

  “Anything in particular?”

  “No.”

  “Do you play anything?” Jonas pressed.

  “Guitar.”

  “Could you play when you were inside?” Zed asked.

  “An acoustic. There was one electric guitar, but everyone wanted to play that whether they were any good or not.”

  “You still have your electric at home?” Zed asked.

  “Yes.”

  “The transition between acoustic and electric is tricky,” Jonas said. “The electric guitar highlights every string, every note you play and when you’re used to strumming rhythms on an acoustic, it can sound overwhelming when you change to an electric guitar.”

  “I’m no good anyway,” Caspian muttered, though he didn’t think he was bad.

  “We’re going down to Cornwall for a week,” Jonas said. “Want to come?”

  “Both of us?” Zed asked.

  “Yes,” Henry said.

  Zed nudged him. �
�Ask your supervising officer if you can. I won’t go if you can’t.”

  Caspian sighed. “Zed, you can’t put your life on hold for me. There’s too much stuff I can’t do. I’m just out. I need to…find my feet.” Fucking stupid expression.

  Caspian jerked forward and gasped as icy water hit his back.

  Henry pushed to his feet. “What the hell?”

  “Sorry,” the guy said. “I tripped.”

  Caspian stood and turned to find himself looking into the camera lens of a man standing next to a smug barman. There was a woman there as well.

  “What’s is like to be out?” she asked. “Have you been to see the parents of the girls you killed? What are you going to do if you bump into them in the village pub? Finally say you’re sorry? Do you think the money your father paid them was enough?”

  Caspian walked away, veering to one side when his path was blocked by the woman. The camera and the questions followed him.

  “Leave him alone,” Zed shouted.

  Caspian suddenly found himself with Zed and Jonas either side of him. He let himself be bundled into the car.

  “Oh God, Caspian, you can’t stay here.” Zed hugged him.

  Caspian shrugged him off. “Last time they spat in my drink. I just need to stay away from local people. That’s okay. I get they’re upset.”

  “It is not okay,” Jonas said. “It’s unacceptable.”

  Henry climbed into the driver’s seat and looked over his shoulder. “Seatbelts on, you two.”

  Caspian fastened his with shaky fingers. “Could you take me home, please.”

  “No,” Zed said. “I’ve got a T-shirt you can wear. I don’t want you to go home.”

  Caspian bit his lip. He’d walk. That was fine.

  But when they reached the house and were out of the car, Jonas tugged him to one side. “Can I talk to you? Just the two of us.”

  Caspian hesitated, then nodded.

  “You need a new T-shirt first?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’ll dry in the sun.”

  “What are you going to say to him?” Zed asked. “Don’t tell him that—”

  Henry put his hand over Zed’s mouth and pulled him into the house.

  Caspian set off back down the drive towards home with Jonas on his heels.