The Noble Mr. Prickles

by Ardy

CHAPTER TWO

  Advan was on his fifth ale while Jack and Lazarah had barely touched their first. The two younger ones were watching as a very drunk Advan was challenging big burly men to arm wrestle him. Jack and Lazarah were pretending that they did not know the dwarf, even though the three of them had come into the tavern together. At the academy Advan's drinking was legendary, as was his proclivity for getting involved in drunken bar brawls. Javan was usually there to bail him out or help keep him under control, but Javan wasn't there this night. It was only a matter of time before Advan would be fighting one or more of these equally drunk men.

  "I can't believe Javan would go out on his own like that," Lazarah said to Jack. The two of them were at a table in the corner of the tavern, which was surprisingly quite crowded at this late hour. Near them on the wall was hung a dart board over which had been pinned a portrait of King Orvan. A dart was protruding from each eye and the portrait was riddled with dozens of other tiny holes. Advan was at another table a few feet away arm wrestling a man who was at least four times his size. The dwarf was getting the best of him.

  "Do you think we'll ever see him again?" Jack asked.

  "I doubt it," Lazarah said. "If Donovan the Giant King gets a hold of him, he's going to end up just another smudge on the throne room floor."

  "Two smudges," Jack reminded her. "Don't forget Mr. Prickles."

  "Maybe we should have gone with him," Lazarah said.

  "He ordered us to stay behind," Jack told her.

  "I know," Lazarah said, "but still..."

  She was cut off by Advan's hearty laugh as he slammed the large man's hand down onto the table.

  "Ha! Take that, you overgrown fairy!" the dwarf laughed.

  "What did you call me, little man?" the man asked loudly.

  "I called you an overgrown fairy!" replied Advan. "You arm wrestle like an old woman and you smell like centaur dung!"

  The large man stood, swayed a little because he was so drunk, and towered at least three full feet above the dwarf, who also stood up ready to fight.

  "Calm down, Bill," someone said to the man. "He's not worth it."

  "Shut up!" Bill yelled. He glared down at Advan. "Okay, dwarf, things are about to get really ugly here!"

  "Why?" Advan asked with a big grin, "Is your mother coming?"

  Bill swung a huge fist, almost as large as Advan's head, at the dwarf. Luckily, Bill was as clumsy as he was big and as stupid as he was drunk. He missed Advan by a good two feet, swinging as he would have swung at a normal man. Like a six foot five drunken dancer, he spun in a circle and landed on his back staring up at the grinning dwarf.

  Lazarah and Jack watched the scene both amused and terrified. They were amused because the situation was quite funny, and terrified because as Advan gloated over the fallen Bill, three even larger men were advancing on him.

  "You little runt!" the largest of the three bellowed. "You should not have insulted his mother!"

  Advan wheeled around and faced them, completely unafraid. "And why not?"

  "Because we're his brothers," the man said, "and she's our mother too!"

  "Well then, I must apologize," Advan said, though his tone was anything but apologetic. "Looking at her four impressive sons, she must be incredibly attractive."

  The three large men did not quite know how to respond. "Uh, thank you," the largest one said.

  "For a deformed cave troll!" Advan finished.

  Then they were at him. Fortunately, Advan was small, quick, and agile. He dodged and darted between the men, avoiding their powerful blows with ease. All this time Bill was still laying on his back swinging his arms in the air as if he were fighting someone and screaming obscenities at the dwarf. Advan was using his height as an advantage and when he swung, he swung at the most convenient targets he had: his attackers' groins. Finally, he stood over the three weeping men, who were cradling their wounded crotches, and the still flailing Bill. Jack and Lazarah were almost applauding.

  "Mother!" Bill shouted. "Mother! Mother!"

  His three brothers took up the call. Advan laughed out loud and stood over the whimpering men.

  "Go ahead," he mocked. "Call for your mother! Let's see if she-"

  Before he could finish, Advan was lifted five feet into the air by a person so large and ugly that Jack and Lazarah thought that were seeing the fifth brother. Then the person spoke with a deep, but unmistakably female, voice.

  "Why don't you leave my boys alone," Bill's mother, who actually did resemble a deformed cave troll, asked, "and pick on somebody your own size?"

  Advan was powerless in the massive woman's grip. She held him with one hand by the back of his tunic.

  "Get up, boys," she said to her sons. "Let's teach this little man some manners."

  Slowly, and still in considerable pain, Bill and his brothers stood up. Each of them drew a vicious looking dagger and Advan struggled more.

  "Let's do something," Lazarah said.

  Jack was about to protest, thinking that the four men would not be a problem but that he did not want to face their monstrous mother, but Lazarah was already on her feet and rushing to the dwarf's rescue and he got up to follow her. Bill was about to plunge his dagger into Advan's belly when Lazarah tapped him on the shoulder.

  "Huh?" he said. He turned to see the girl, who felled him with one quick blow to the nose. Jack had taken out one of his brothers the same way. That left only two, besides the mother who still held Advan and was scolding her stupid sons. These two were the largest of the four and they didn't look like they would go down as easily.

  "Okay, Jack," Lazarah said, "you take the ugly one!"

  Jack nodded and then paused, trying to figure out which one of the two men approaching them was uglier. Shrugging, he went for the one on the left. Javan and Advan were excellent teachers and these two were their best students. Two drunken oafs with only their massive size going for them were no match. It look a little longer to beat these two than it had their brothers, but soon Jack and Lazarah were facing the angry woman, all of her sons now lying unconscious at their feet.

  "Well done, you two!" Advan yelled proudly.

  Enraged, the woman threw the dwarf, who went flying through the air with his limbs flailing wildly until he landed face first on a table, crushing it beneath him. The men seated there kept drinking and watching the brawl, oblivious to the drunken dwarf lying unconscious where their table had been.

  "Advan!" Jack called. He was about to run to the dwarf when the woman grabbed him by the throat, putting him in a one handed choke hold.

  Jack's first instinct was to hit her, but Javan had always taught him never to hit a woman. Even though this massive creature was bigger than most men, and had more than a little facial hair, she was still technically a woman. Luckily, Lazarah had no such restriction. With a lightning quick kick she struck the woman in the temple and sent her flying backwards, still clinging to the gagging Jack. They landed on another table, smashing it, and the woman was out cold.

  Jack pried her fingers from his neck and stood up.

  "That was close," he coughed.

  "Are you okay?" Lazarah asked.

  "I think so," he said. "I'm better than him." He pointed to Advan, who was now serving as a footrest for the men whose table he had smashed.

  "Poor Advan," Lazarah chuckled. "Come on. Let's get him out of here and head back to the academy."

  The two young students went to retrieve their fallen instructor. He was face down on the crushed table, snoring loudly and mumbling obscenities and insults in his sleep. There were four sets of massive, foul smelling feet resting on his back, belonging to four equally massive and equally pungent men. They were laughing loudly at a joke one of them had just told and totally ignored Jack and Lazarah as they approached.

  "Excuse me," Jack began.

  "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?" one of them asked his companions.

  "Uh, sirs, I was wondering if-" Jack tried again.

&n
bsp; "Anyone can roast beef!" the man concluded, sending the four drunks into fits of laughter.

  "Excuse me!" Jack tried a little louder. They still ignored him.

  Lazarah sighed, stepped forward, and grabbed one of the drunks by his long red beard, pulling him to his feet. The others stopped laughing and stared agape at the girl.

  "Hey!" she shouted. "My friend was speaking to you!"

  "You're gonna regret pullin' my beard, little lady," the drunk said.

  "I already do," Lazarah said, releasing her grip and looking at her hand, which was now coated with grease, spilled ale, and at least a month's worth of accumulated food fragments. "But my friend was speaking to you, you stupid oaf!"

  "What do you want?" the man demanded.

  "Him," Jack said, pointed Advan. The men looked down.

  "Out footrest?" one of them asked.

  "He's our friend," Lazarah said, "and we're leaving now so we need to take him."

  "I don't think so, little lady," the standing man said. "This dwarf is quite comfortable. We're not givin' him up."

  "Here we go again," Jack sighed, preparing himself for another fight.

  Lazarah glared right into the man's eyes and said, "We're taking the dwarf with us! Do not try to stop us. You saw what we did to Bill and his brothers!"

  "Bill and his brothers are fools," the man replied, "and their mother is so inbred she can barely see straight!"

  "That's what I said," mumbled the sleeping dwarf.

  "I'll bet you'll find us a little harder to deal with," the man finished.

  As his three companions stood, Jack and Lazarah knew he was right. As drunk and stupid as these four were, they carried themselves like skilled fighters. They were not scared, though. The four men circled them so they stood back to back and braced themselves. Lazarah swung first, striking one man but being knocked to the ground by a second. She was conscious, but dazed. Jack went at the man who had hit her, taking him out in three blows, but before he could get at the others two of the remaining men had grabbed him and held him while the red head with the greasy beard prepared to pound him into so much ground meat. Jack struggled, but could not free himself.

  "Advan!" he yelled. "Advan, wake up! Help us!"

  "Anyone can roast beef," chuckled the sleeping dwarf, but he did not get up.

  The red head pulled back his fist for a blow to the gut and Jack closed his eyes in fear. But when after a good five seconds nothing had happened, he opened them again. His would-be assailant was still poised to strike, but he was not moving. Neither were the two holding him, or anyone else in the tavern besides him, Advan (still laughing in his sleep at the roast beef joke), and Lazarah, who was standing up and shaking off the blow she had received.

  It was not just people. Everything in the tavern had frozen. A dart which was about to strike the portrait of Orvan in the nose was frozen in the air six inches from the dartboard. Three drinks were being poured around the tavern and the liquid was frozen in the space between the pitchers and the mugs. Even the flames of the candles and torches were not moving.

  "What's going on?" Jack asked, stepping easily out of the grip of the frozen men, who were not even breathing.

  "Some sort of magic," Lazarah said. "But I've never seen anything like it before."

  "But why aren't the three of us frozen?" Jack asked.

  "Because it is the three of you that I want to talk to," a small, but powerful voice said. They turned and saw a fairy flying towards them from the bar. Though they had never seen this creature before, they recognized him immediately from all of the stories they had been told throughout their lives. He was about six inches tall, dressed in forest green with a tiny jeweled crown on his head. His wings were like a dragonfly's.

  "Kanaro," Jack said reverently.

  "The King of the Fairies," Lazarah said. Instinctively, they both bowed before Kanaro, who hovered above them a few feet in the air.

  "You may stand," Kanaro said. "We must hurry. This spell only lasts a few minutes. First of all, why are you wasting time here getting drunk? You should be with Javan!"

  "He sent us away," Jack said.

  "Oh no, no, no!" the fairy sighed. "He needs the three of you if he is to accomplish this mission!"

  "You mean this nonsense about an orange rose petal from the Northern Giants?" Lazarah asked.

  "It is not nonsense!" Kanaro replied. "It is perhaps the most important mission any humans have been sent on in a thousand years!"

  "Oh no," Jack said, "he's gone mad too!"

  "I have not!" Kanaro yelled, and though he was small, his voice filled the tavern. "But your king surely has. If you ever want Orvan to regain his sanity, you must assist Javan in bringing back that petal!"

  "What are you talking about?" Jack asked.

  "An enemy kingdom has hired an evil wizard to put a curse on your king," the fairy explained. "Even now, an army of thousands from the evil Kingdom of Stran in coming this way, but your king, cursed with insanity, is in no position to defend his nation. His defense strategy as of now includes rotten watermelons and trained chipmunks. The only antidote to the wizard's curse is that orange rose petal. I could not tell Orvan this, but I told Burgy and used my magic to help him convey the message to the king."

  "So for once that stupid dog did give Orvan a mission!" said Lazarah.

  "Yes," Kanaro replied. "And I knew that Javan could do this and that he would select you two noble students and that brave dwarf."

  "Your mother is an ogress who bathes in dragon dung!" Advan muttered.

  "Only the four of you can accomplish this mission," Kanaro said. "Javan cannot do this alone, and if Orvan does not receive the antidote within a month, your kingdom will be conquered and mine will be next. So hurry! Find Javan and fulfill your mission!"

  "And what about the monkey?" Lazarah asked.

  "You need him too," Kanaro said. "Without Mr. Prickles, you will fail."

  "How can a monkey help us?" Jack asked.

  Kanaro was about to explain when another fairy appeared by his side, whispered something to the Fairy King, and left.

  "Oh no," Kanaro said. "You must hurry! Javan is in danger!"

  "But what about the monkey?" asked Jack.

  "There is no time!" Kanaro said. "Pick up Advan and hurry to the Northern Forest! Javan has been captured by the Mad Forester! He needs your help!"

  Upon this news, Jack and Lazarah picked up the drunk dwarf and left the bar and its frozen inhabitants, who became reanimated a moment later when King Kanaro disappeared in a flash of green light.