I listened to Jason tell everyone how he felt justified in snooping into my past, digging up my shame, and laying it out for everyone to see. The room fell silent as he explained his reasoning in looking into something that wasn’t his business. How he knew I wasn’t strong enough to know the truth. I heard him tell them he and Josh knew about this for over a month and said nothing.
I heard Maddie tell everyone how weak I was and how I would have fallen apart at the first whisper of his name. The tears that had been falling started to dry up, disappointment rising inside of me. Jason started the explanation of his involvement in dragging up my past and when he described ‘he said, she said’ and I felt something inside of me snap.
How could anyone think I wanted what happened to me to occur? Listening to Jason describe Shane’s family’s legal maneuvering to release this monster had my fist clenching around the bag of food I was still holding.
“Legal bullshit. That’s how. God, now I know why she left law school.” Josh said, snapping me back to the present, renewing a little bit of my faith in him. He was trying to protect me from the exact reason I took a break from college. The legal systems ability to be bought and swayed with enough money and power.
“After my lawyers fought them on every front, they finally got a judge to agree to an evidentiary hearing, of sorts. The defense and prosecution will go over everything from the case and see if there would have been enough to warrant his conviction. They have everything sorted through, ready to present to the judge, except for one thing.”
Finally, something I can work with. An evidentiary hearing, of sorts. That means they are skirting the edge of the law and I knew enough to push them over that edge. I’ll be damned if anyone is fighting this fight but me.
I felt deprived of my right to testify after it happened and when he plead guilty, I was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eyes and let him know he may have cracked me but I never broke.
Listening to Jason tell everyone what I needed to do to keep him locked up had me devising a plan. One that I knew I didn’t need my families support on. This was something I had to do on my own and if they couldn’t see that, then maybe they didn’t trust me after all.
“How do I tell her? How do I explain to her she has to relive the worst moments of her life so he stays where he belongs? How do I protect her from this?” Andrews sad voice weakening my resolve a little. My poor brother blamed himself to this day for what happened and hopefully, I can help settle this so some of his guilt goes away.
“You don’t tell her. We all do, as a family. We sit her down and explain what is going on then, we support her in whatever she decides to do. But know this, if she doesn’t testify, there is a very good chance he will be set free pending a new trial and without her testimony, he will probably have his conviction overturned.” Jason told the room and I spun on my heels, walking toward the elevator, and hitting the button as I paced back and forth.
I felt myself moving my head side to side, loosening up my muscles and my fists clenching and unclenching as I threw the goodies into the trash and stormed into the open elevator. I felt the energy surging through me and I knew I had some things to take care of before I would be able to talk to my family.
I got back into Josh’s Jeep and pulled away from the MSJ Media building, needing to put distance between me and my family. How did I never see how much of a disappointment I was to them? How they thought I was made of glass?
I pulled into a parking lot a few blocks away and sent a text to Teresa letting her know I wouldn’t be able to pick up Jake today and my stomach knotted at how much I missed that silly dog. She was kind, as always, and offered to bring him back but I told her Josh would be in touch, I apologized. I looked down and saw Josh called me so I turned my phone to silent.
Getting back on the road, I headed to the apartment while I mentally went over the list of things I needed to do before anyone realized I was aware of how little they thought of me. Reaching into my purse when I pulled into the parking lot of our building, I took a Xanax and swallowed it straight down, the bitter pill tasting as sour as my mood.
I was not going to get stuck inside my own head today. Remembering Dr. Sawyer’s sessions, I started reminding myself how far I had come, how I was adapting to life, how I was thriving. I had been prepared to live life alone, on my terms, and now I might not be able to do that with pieces of my heart scattered on the floor.
I thought back to the weekend with Josh and how many times we made love and my heart shattered knowing the man I love didn’t think I was strong enough to live my own life and make my own decisions. If they found out after the babies came home, Josh had known the entire time we had lived together. How could I really trust that he moved in for the right reasons?
No! Josh loves me!
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly blew it out, not allowing the anxiety and depression to whisper lies into my ear.
I am strong than I appear. I am bigger than my worries. I am faster than my demons. I am capable of achieving my goals. I am enough.
Focused, I began to pack my backpack with the things I would need for the next few days and I found a piece of paper, wanting to explain the reasons for my actions to Josh. I just hoped he could forgive me for needing to walk this road alone. Love is about a partnership and for a moment in time, Josh took that and turned it into a dictatorship. He and Jason made a decision for me that they had no right to do.
Now I had to regain control over the whole crazy fiasco and focus on putting that monster away for good. I sat down, the medication starting to work as I put pen to paper.
My Dearest Josh,
I love you with everything that I have in my soul, but as I sit here, I wonder… Can the same be said of you? You kept a secret from me. One that I had every right to know. Not one time in the last month did you think I was strong enough or capable enough of listening to something that affects my life. Not yours. Not Andrew’s. MINE. I trusted you with my greatest shame. You knew I was damaged. But what you never understood is that I was—and still am—angry.
I’m mad at what happened. I’m mad at losing my parents. I’m mad that I still have anxiety. I’m mad at him. I’m mad that you didn’t think I was strong enough to know the truth, and after listening to my family decide how my future needs to go, I have made the decision to handle this myself.
There are things you don’t understand about me. Hopefully, one day, you will and can still love me. I have to be strong enough to carry the weight, not only of him, but now the betrayal of my family. I’m going away for a few days. I have things I need to get in order before I confront the demon who no longer haunts my nightmares and has no control over my life. Not anymore.
I will come back to you, you have my word. But this is something I need to handle alone. Like I was in the back seat of that car. Like I was when I begged someone to help me. Like I feel right now. I no longer need someone to save me. I can finally save myself.
I know how to keep him locked away forever but I need your trust. I need your love
and once we get past this, we have the rest of our lives to look forward to.
Please forgive me, but this is a path I have to walk alone.
I love you with all of my heart!
Emily
I left the note on the dining room table with the keys to the Jeep and my cell phone. I had written down the numbers I needed and would pick up a pre-paid on my way out of town. I had some apprehension of being alone, gathering the necessary pieces of the past to keep that monster in jail, but I needed to prove to my family and myself that I could see this through to the end.
I took the keys to the car Caroline had loaned me and walked out of the apartment. After locking the door, I looked up at the camera mounted near the door, hiking my backpack higher on my shoulder and mouthed the words ‘I love you.’ I place my hand to my mouth and blew a kiss before I turned and got on the elevator. A few tears burned behind my eyes so
I took a deep breath and blew it out, forcing my sadness down and allowing my anger to take over.
I got off the elevator and headed toward the car, my senses on high alert. Knowing that there was a possibility he could be free had my instincts pinging. After checking the back seat, I tossed my backpack in and got headed to the storage unit we had our parent’s last belongings stored in. I drove up to the roll-up door and unlocked the unit before I walked in and went toward my mother’s vanity table.
She and I had hidden it together and I hoped the temperatures didn’t damage anything. After retrieving the small envelope taped to the underside of the drawer, I closed the unit door, relocked it and drove away from the memory of my parents and their life cut short. Getting onto the interstate, I headed south to Columbus.
It should take me less than two hours to get there and I needed to find a place to sleep for the night. I thought of calling Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe but I didn’t want anyone trying to stop me, so I chose to find a hotel when I got into town. The entire drive down, my thoughts wandered to the conversation I had overheard and how everyone thought it was okay to have a discussion about me, without me, and my anger fueled me down the road.
I arrived in town a little after three o’clock and made my way downtown to the river. Pulling my car up to the closet lot I could find, I walked into the river walk and stared out into the rushing water, willing the memories to return.
My palms began to sweat and I felt myself shaking as I looked around for anyone who seemed to be paying me too much attention. Flexing my hands to relieve the tension, I started walking downstream, my feet moving on autopilot, my brain a whirlwind of memories, some good, a few bad. I heard the music before I saw the crowd as I walked up on an outdoor festival being held in the city’s green space.
The smell of the countless food trucks had my stomach growling, reminding me I threw my breakfast in the trash and hadn’t eaten all day. Making my way through the small crows, I found a truck advertising gyro. I stood in line, soaked up the atmosphere and found myself relaxing for the first time all day.
After placing my order, I stood off to the side, my back to the bridge wall, people watching. I observed families sharing dinner, kids dancing to the music coming from the live band, and the citizens enjoying one of the amenities of having a thriving downtown area. The vendor called my name and I took my food, finding a seat on the wall overlooking the river while I enjoyed my dinner and willed the memories to return.
I should have called Dr. Sawyer and told her my idea but she would have tried to talk me out of it. She has helped with the daily irritation I had since the attack but the underlying rage burns deeply, and it is something I have remorse over. I hate that I had allowed his actions to make me wrathful. I’m just grateful no one is aware of how much I want to lash out at the monster who stole my innocence, giving him a small amount of power over me to this day.
There was something, locked away, yet scratching at the surface of my subconscious that I needed to remember. A clue, to help me unlock the anger and finally purge the darkness from within me. Lost in thought and the delicious food, I was startled when I heard someone call my name.
“Emily! Is that you?” Aunt Lisa said as she walked up and engulfed me in a hug, “Are you here alone?” a questioning look on her face as she sat down next to me.
“Yes, ma’am. Please don’t tell anyone you saw me. I’ve got to go.” I told her as I started to stand, needing to get through with my plan before Josh and the rest of them came to rescue me from myself.
Gently grabbing my arm, she stopped by departure, “What’s going on sweetheart? And don’t tell me it’s nothing. I can see from the look on your face it is something so I want you to sit down and tell me what’s bothering you. You don’t want anyone to know where you are, fine. I’ll keep your secret as long as you tell me what has you here, alone, looking like you are about to either break something or break inside.”
Knowing she was my mothers’ best friend until we disappeared, I felt comfortable enough to discuss it but not here, surrounded by happy people.
“Can we walk down the river walk a little? I don’t want to talk around all these people.” I explained and we moved outside of hearing distance of the crowd.
Finding a bench right along the water, we sat down and I stared out at the water. My mind was flashing with memories of my attack and I felt the tremor in my hand start. People see it and equate fear, but it had always been anger fueling my emotions, something only Dr. Lee and Dr. Sawyer were aware of. The biggest part of my shame is that I allowed him to make me angry inside.
I started at the beginning of the conversation I overheard and told her everything as she sat down next to me.
“I feel like no one trusts me to make my own decisions. Jason and Josh knew and kept it from everyone. When they decided to tell everyone, they neglected to invite me into the conversation that was about me.” I swiped the angry tears from under my eyes, the raging river in front of me a perfect reflection of my churning emotions. “How do I trust that Josh moved in with me for the right reasons? How do I know he isn’t with me out of some kind of savior complex he has over his past? How do I trust them when they all think I’m so fragile that I’ll break at the sound of that assholes name?”
She turned her head facing me and a look of understanding passed across her face. “Can I tell you something. Something that Maddie and Caroline don’t know. The only person still alive who knows is Joe and we don’t talk about it unless, well…unless.”
I nodded my head as I turned to face her, pulling one leg on the bench, giving her my full focus. She turned her head back looking at the river as she began to speak. “I was nineteen and it was the summer after I met Joe. He had been deployed for a few months and I was missing him so badly. We had been inseparable since our first date and we were counting down the days until he returned and his contract of service was completed. We talked about getting married and starting a family.” She wistfully smiled before her expression changed, “I was invited by a friend from high school to a party. Some of our friends were home for the summer and they were going to the lake for the day. She begged me to come with them, knowing how lonely I had been since Joe was overseas. I went with her, not really feeling like being around other people but I had promised Joe I would try and ‘live a little’.” She made air quotes with her fingers.
“We water skied, got sun, and cooked out. The day was filled with laughter and I was having a good time, reminiscing with old friends, and meeting new people. I told my friend I needed to use to the restroom and she gave me directions to where it was at the house we were at. The port-a-potty they had set up was bad enough in the day but even worse at night. I went into the house and got turned around. I ended up in a room, alone, with two drunk guys I hadn’t seen before. I didn’t know who they were or where they came from. My gut was telling me to run but I was frozen in place, in my bikini, in a room with two drunk strangers. Details don’t matter, not after all this time, not in this situation. Afterward, I was ashamed, scared, confused but mostly, I was angry. I had to tell Joe but I waited the two months until he returned. I explained I expected him to break up with me and I knew that it was my fault. I didn’t run. I didn’t fight hard enough. Joe held me, loved me through the good times and the bad, and all these years later, he is still standing by my side. He helped me release the anger and resentment and when that weight lifted, I felt like I had a new chance at life. Josh will do the same for you if you let him. Why don’t you trust him?” She asked as she wiped away a fallen tear from her face.
“I do trust him. It’s him and everyone else that doesn’t trust me.”
“That’s not true and you know it. You’re mad. You have every right to be, but you do not have the right to make people worry. You need to call them and tell them where you are. Now, why are you here? The truth.” Her voice stern, reminding me of my mother.
I looked up at her with watery eyes, “You sound like Momma. I
miss her so much. Dad too. I wish they were here.” I told her as she pulled me into an embrace as she patted my back until my tears stopped.
“They are here. How else do you explain how I ended up at an outdoor event on a Monday afternoon except your Mom knew you needed me by your side? Smile and rejoice the time you had them in your life and use the lessons they taught you to move forward, putting the past behind you.”
Sometimes people have to bear their greatest humiliation in order to help another heal.
I heard the words whispered from the torrent flowing past us.
I understand, Mom.
Blowing out a breath I was holding, I told her the real reason I was in Columbus, “He took me into Alabama when he raped me. I never told the police because it was one of those details that didn’t seem important at the time. I gave them the details as I remembered them, but I never told them about the water. I remember the sound of rushing water all around me, drowning out my screams for help. He took me across state lines, Aunt Lisa. I know that is enough to seal his fate, I just can’t remember where he took me. I need to remember where he took me.” I cried out, my anger rising again, forcing me to my feet.
She took my hand and sat me back down on the bench, “First thing you are going to do is call Josh or Andrew and tell them you are safe and where you are. Second, we are going to get you settled into Caroline’s old room at the house. Third, we’re going to find where he took you, if you want my help, that is.”
I nodded my head and picked up my phone, sending a text to Josh.
E: I’m in Columbus with Aunt Lisa and I am safe. I need to do this, so… please, trust me to know what is right. I love you.
The three dots appeared, letting me know he was responding.
J: I do trust you. Please talk to me, let me help you.
The Soul That Redeems Me (The Forever Mine Series Book 3) Page 18