by Jamie Beck
Levi’s eyes darken with indignation at my mother’s remark, but he restrains his temper. “You think she’s wasting her education by using it to help the less fortunate and give a voice to those who can’t speak for themselves?” He tips his head sideways to level one of his trademark stares at my mother. “Regardless, you aren’t the first parent to spend too much money on an Ivy League education. I’m not convinced of the value of paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to have other people teach you what you can learn for yourself, or at least can buy at a lower cost. I suspect it’s often egos driving the investment in the brand name of the college as much as the actual education the kid receives for that sum of money.”
“Really?” My mom raises her eyebrows. “So you don’t advocate continuing education?”
“I didn’t say that, ma’am. I just don’t think you need to spend a lot of money to get an education. I’m all for knowledge. But that’s beside the point, which is Lindsey’s current excitement. She’ll be an excellent liaison and I’m happy for the lucky children who’ll benefit from her compassion. Having Lindsey in their corner will make all the difference.”
Without being aware of it, Levi momentarily takes hold of my hand. “I hope she doesn’t get too attached to them and end up hurt when things don’t go well, which is bound to happen on occasion. But she’s a big girl, and a smart one, too. She’ll figure it out in her own way, in her own time. Don’t you agree, sir?” Levi releases my hand when addressing my father.
Dad’s cornered. Levi’s successfully defeated my mother’s insult, complimented me, and forced my father to either support his wife and offend me, or support me and upset his wife.
I’m almost sorry for Dad, except, for the first time, I have my own champion. I love it. Rob always agreed with my parents. He never defended me as Levi did. I’m so grateful, I’m positive it shows all over my face.
My father avoids making eye contact with Mom when he responds. “Well, Levi, certainly Lindsey will be an asset to this organization. I think, however, what Helene means to say is she’s capable of more.” Dad’s strategic answer angers me.
Levi’s praise renewed my spirit. I’m stronger now than I’ve been all day. “More what, Dad? Making more money? Having a fancy office or title? Was writing for a magazine better than advocating for neglected and abused children? That job paid so little, it was practically an internship. We all have enough money. For the first time, I’ll be making a difference in people’s lives. Maybe I’ll start my own foundation after I’ve learned from this experience, or write a book.”
Mom’s radar hones in on my newfound self-assurance and she torpedoes me. “Lindsey, these cases must take years to resolve. Won’t you end up devastating a child or two when you inevitably return to New York? Have you even consulted with Rob about this decision? Obviously, Levi’s got your ear. Why do you deny the rest of us our opinion?”
On the heels of her admonishment, Levi intercedes. “I never tell Lindsey what to do. I respect her and understand she alone lives with the consequences of her choices.”
As soon as Levi finishes, I curtly respond to my mother’s remarks. “If I return to New York, I can consult on cases and fly back to appear in court. As for Rob, I’ve no need to discuss my life with him now. He and I are not married. We’re not even together.”
“Considering the flowers he sent, he’s not aware you’ve made a definitive decision about your relationship. Is he aware of your ‘friendship’ with Levi?”
I blanch from shame. I’ve never mentioned Levi precisely because of my conflicted emotions. I’m sinking, without a response. Fortunately, Levi pipes up.
“Excuse me, I think I’ll excuse myself from the table. My back could use a stretch and I’ve no wish to cause Lindsey, or either of you, further discomfort. Please take your time to order dessert or coffee. Lindsey, I’ll wait for you in the lounge area. Don’t rush.” He squeezes my knee under the table to emphasize his point before he stands. “Mr. Hilliard, it was a pleasure meeting you. Mrs. Hilliard, have a safe return to New York.” Before any of us respond, Levi departs.
My face is aflame as I turn on my mother. “I can’t believe your behavior tonight, Mom. You humiliated me. Why’d you question him about his mother and education, and provoke him with your insinuations about our relationship?”
Then, sick of my father’s passivity, I turn on him, too. “Dad, you sat there, as always, letting her run roughshod over me. This, this”—I say, wildly waving my hand back and forth among the three of us—“is a big reason why I don’t miss New York. Removing myself from your constant criticisms has been freeing. It’s thrilling to make decisions for myself without considering your opinions. For God’s sake, you act like my new interest is a drug habit or something.”
“Sh, we’re in public.” Mom cuts me off. “Obviously you’ve been spending too much time on the beach to remember how polite society behaves.” She leans toward me. “I’m not stupid, Lindsey. You think I can’t appreciate what you see in Levi? You’re letting your hormones dictate important choices. If you want to have a little romp with a handsome man, then do it. But don’t mess up your entire life over him. He has nothing in common with you. He’s not from a decent family, he’s not formally educated, and he’s not connected to anything more than himself. One of you will tire of the other when those differences become aggravating instead of romantic. Meanwhile, you’ll lose Rob in the process and regret it later.”
“Dad, do you share Mom’s opinion?”
My father is ashen, caught between the two women in his life. “I don’t know, honey. I don’t recognize your defiant attitude tonight. Levi’s a decent young man, certainly self-made, which I can respect. However, if you’re basing life-altering decisions on an infatuation, then I’d advise you to reconsider.” That’s my dad—always the diplomat, king of the evasive response.
Fortunately, he has no intention of prolonging the drama, so he asks the waiter for the check. We’re all surprised to discover Levi’s already taken care of the bill. I push back from the table and place my napkin in front of me. Struggling not to cry, I keep my eyes on my napkin while speaking.
“I wish you could be proud of me instead of undermining my confidence. I’d say thanks for dinner, but I guess I’ll thank Levi. Have a safe flight home. I’ll talk to you in a few days. Good night.”
My insides feel wrung dry by the time Levi and I get into my car. We drive home in relative silence. I fight back the tears for most of the trip, but ultimately lose the battle.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Levi
A tear trails down Lindsey’s cheek as we pull into her garage. I follow her inside without an invitation. I shouldn’t have gone to dinner, knowing her mother had been baiting a trap. I’d only considered my own ability to tolerate it without stopping to think about the effect it might have on Lindsey. Now I must set this right before she goes to sleep.
Lindsey sniffles and wipes her eyes while blankly staring into space. She won’t look at me. I suspect she’s contemplating whatever her mother said about me once I left the table. It can’t be flattering, so I need to draw her attention. My gift sits, unopened, on her dining table.
“I see you didn’t open your present yet.” I hand her the bright-pink box. “Go ahead. It’s nearly your birthday now anyway.”
She grins weakly.
“Nice wrapping.” She takes the box from me and begins to untie the ribbons. “I should have known you’d do it well, considering your years of practice folding things neatly.”
Hearing a little humor as her tears subside relieves me. She opens the box and removes the apron, laughing at the saying “I’m Not Bossy, My Way’s Just Better” written across the chest. Then she finds the two knives in the box and smiles at me appreciatively.
“Levi, I love this gift. It’ll always remind me of you and your patience with me in the kitchen.” She places them on the table and stands to hug me. “It’s perfect.”
My lungs balloo
n in response to her embrace and my heart pounds against my ribs. She fits so perfectly in my arms. Against my better judgment and plans to slowly pursue her, I don’t release her.
“I’m glad, though they’re not as pretty as jewelry.” I glance at the roses displayed on the coffee table. “Or flowers.”
Her breathing slows. “Not as pretty, but more thoughtful and sentimental.”
Her eyes reflect my own feverish desire, and when she trembles in my arms, it’s my complete undoing.
Without warning, I lift her chin and kiss her. Unsure of how she’ll react, I’m tentative at first. When she parts her lips and returns my affection, my heart races. A groan rumbles deep in my chest as my tongue seeks hers and tastes every sweet corner of her mouth.
Too quickly, I’m craving all of her. My hands grasp behind her head and waist to crush her against me. I’ve never, in all my life, wanted anyone more than her. A faint moan from her throat intensifies the longing rippling through me.
Her fingers weave through my hair. She matches each of my kisses with equal passion. My eyes search hers, and our breathing becomes more uneven and ragged.
I can’t get close enough to her. Her skin smells like flowers and grapefruit; her mouth is warm and welcoming. When she whispers my name, everything in my body thrums so wildly, I feel a little dizzy.
Unwilling to break our kiss, I waltz her around in search of the sofa while keeping hold of her. She’s removing my jacket, but I’m having trouble fumbling with the ties on her dress.
“My God, Lindsey,” I hoarsely moan. “I want you so damn much.”
Waves of lust crash over me as I lay her back against the sofa. Her frenzied hands reach under my shirt and up my sides. My heart pounds furiously, and I’m harder than I’ve ever been. I rub myself against her, anticipating what’s to come, and let my body enjoy the tingling sensations temporarily blocking my back pain.
“I need you, Lindsey.” I move to lift my leg from the floor and accidentally bump the coffee table, tipping the vase of flowers.
We catch it before it spills over, but seeing the roses again sets Lindsey on edge. When I try to resume our kiss, she pushes gently against my chest.
“Wait, Levi, wait. This is wrong. I’m not ready. I can’t—I can’t do this now. I’m sorry.”
I can’t release her. I kiss her again.
“Lindsey, please,” I beg. I nibble her earlobe and make my way down her neck with my mouth. She arches toward me, but then she pushes away again.
“I’m not ready for this yet. For you. I’m confused about you and Rob. I owe you both better than this. Please. I’m a wreck tonight with everything that happened at dinner.”
I brush my nose back and forth along hers. As the rush of excitement subsides, the throbbing in my back warns me of my limitations. Of course, that’s not why she stopped me.
Christ Almighty. Rob. Rob? How’s she not ready to dump him after his lies? Close to three years spent loving him and he repays her with deceit?
I want to scream, but I don’t. I don’t because I knew it already and it didn’t prevent me from exposing my desire too soon. I couldn’t stick to my plans, so now I’ll suffer this excruciating refusal, as I predicted, just as Pop warned.
I kiss her forehead and pull back. She looks worried, fearful almost. Jesus, what’s she think I’ll do?
“I’m sorry,” she says. “Are you annoyed?”
I know she’s affected by what’s happened—by me. I could push it and have her tonight, but it’ll only make things worse for both of us. With every ounce of control I possess, I pull away.
“Frustrated. Not annoyed.”
“I’m sorry.” She’s still clutching my forearms with her hands. “Obviously, I care for you. I’m attracted to you. But I’ve unfinished business with Rob. I don’t know how to handle my feelings.”
I lower myself back into a hug and stroke her hair.
“Hush. I know.” I stay locked in a sad embrace for a while. “It’s okay.”
She ran from Rob and almost immediately began taking care of me. She’s barely spent a single day alone. No wonder she’s mixed up.
“Lindsey, I’m leaving.” I start to sit up, but she keeps her arms around me.
“Will I see you tomorrow, or are you walking away?” She buries her face in my shoulder, anticipating my reply. I wrest her from my body and sit next to her, holding her hands in mine. I’m torn as hell but need to be strong for both our sakes.
“Our relationship’s been unnatural from the start. Spending so much time together too quickly has thrown us off balance. Until you came along, I’d never let anyone get so close. But I know what you expect from people and, truth is, I probably can’t deliver it. I should make myself scarce and give us each time to clear our heads.” I kiss her hand because, while what I said is true, I still don’t want to leave.
“Levi . . .” She drops my hands and folds her arms across herself in an act of self-comfort.
“What? What’d you want to say?”
She worries her lower lip and then lowers her head. “Nothing. There’s nothing else to say. Neither of us can make any promises, so it’s better to say nothing.”
I can’t argue, so I lean down and steal one final kiss. “I’ll miss you. If you need anything, you let me know.” I retrieve my jacket from her floor.
Her eyes spill over, but she doesn’t deter me, so I leave through the front door. My chest is on fire from the rage swarming like angry bees under my skin. I loathe Rob and Helene, hate my parents for handicapping me, and despise myself for breaking my rules and setting myself up for this misery.
I’ll be stuck living next door to Lindsey and watching her move ahead, maybe away and back to Rob. My gut had told me she’d be dangerous. I should’ve listened and stayed away instead of playing with fire.
When I get home, I check my PICC line and stretch out on my back. Hell, I probably couldn’t even have made love to her in my current condition. I sure as hell wanted to, though.
I pour myself several shots of tequila to numb the pain. Better to pass out rather than dwell on the few minutes of ecstasy I’ve just enjoyed and may never experience again.
Lindsey
The sunny day mocks my sorrow. My pillow’s damp from the tears I cried throughout the night. I’ve no desire to get out of bed, although it’s already nearly eleven o’clock. I can’t concentrate. My parents’ accusations overlay everything, causing me to doubt my motives.
Am I merely infatuated with Levi or, worse, using him to break away from the past? Is my interest in advocacy simply another fleeting whim that will fade once the real work begins and the bureaucracy bogs me down? Do I belong in California or New York? Am I really in love with Rob, or do I only miss the idea of us? Does being so drawn to Levi mean I don’t love Rob?
Each time I close my eyes, I feel Levi all over me. Memories of his mouth, his voice, and his touch wrack my body with erotic, desperate shivers. Granted, my sexual experience is limited, but even fully clothed, Levi teased out aching needs with intensity I’ve never before experienced. Could I even survive being skin to skin, having his mouth on my breasts, my stomach, or my thighs?
Heat and dampness pool between my legs at the mere thought of making love with him, but is it purely lust? I can’t play with Levi’s heart to test my own, especially not with his history with his mother’s rejection.
I’d be cruel to encourage him without being more certain of my own heart first. Of course, how much does he really care? I know what you expect from people and I probably can’t deliver it. He walked away last night without a fight. Perhaps we’re both equally confused.
My silent phone sits on the nightstand. I pick it up: no messages. Instinctively, I call Jill. She’s much better at analyzing these matters than I’ve ever been. It’s two o’clock in New York, so she’ll be available. Shoot, voice mail.
“Jill, it’s me. Desperately need your ear. Big blowup with Helene, Bill, and Levi. Help. Call me back!”
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I turn on the ringer before rolling out of bed and hauling myself to the shower. After I dress, I check my phone. Jill still hasn’t called. Neither has Levi.
My room’s so balmy. I open the door to let the breeze inside. Lingering on the upper deck, I scan the beach and spot Levi talking to Elena near the water’s edge. She’s flirting, of course. Touching him. Surely he didn’t confide anything in her, did he?
He’s tossing shells into the waves while they talk, then she nods and holds up three fingers. He nods and squeezes her hand. She turns and ambles down the beach. I duck back inside to avoid being caught spying on him. What are he and Elena planning at three?
My phone rings. I dive on my bed and look at the screen. Jill. Thank God.
“Hey, thanks for calling back.”
“How could I resist? You left me hanging with lots of questions. By the way, happy birthday! Did you get my gift yet? It ought to arrive today.” Her rapid-fire comments distract me.
“Oh . . . thanks. No, not yet. Are you alone?”
“Sadly, yes. So what happened with your parents and Levi? Did they meet?”
“Mom insisted Levi come to dinner with us and then provoked him about personal issues. She wasn’t subtle, but he handled her well. It upset me more than anyone else.”
“So, what’s the crisis? Helene’s interference is nothing new.”
I draw a deep breath, anticipating Jill’s reaction to what I’m about to admit.
“When Levi and I came home, he kissed me and it heated up quickly. I panicked, thought about Rob, and stopped it from progressing. I told Levi I wasn’t over Rob, so he left. Now I don’t know what to do. I think I made a mistake.”
“What do you want to do?” Her basic question has no easy answer.