In the Cards

by Jamie Beck

  “Jill, I told you. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I didn’t ask what’s the right thing to do, I asked what you want to do. Did you want Levi last night?”

  “God, yes. But what about Rob?”

  “Why’s Rob a factor? You’re not even talking unless you’re coming home, right?”

  “Well, technically that’s true. But it seems unfair to carry on with Levi without telling Rob.”

  “No, unfair is what he did with Ava. Your being with Levi is none of his business. You’re broken up, for God’s sake. You don’t owe him any explanation.”

  “It’s not that simple. And what about Levi? You know his history with abandonment. How can I lead him on and then maybe burn him by leaving? I need to be more sure of what I want.”

  “You’re being irrational. Every relationship has the potential to end and hurt someone. Look at you and Rob. Despite the promises, he betrayed you and you left him. Even if Rob weren’t in the picture, neither you nor Levi would have any certainty about each other, or the viability of your relationship. Levi’s a big boy. He can handle the consequences.”

  “Maybe. I don’t know. My parents hammered away at our incompatibilities last night. Maybe they’re right and it’s simply an infatuation that won’t ever be anything more.” I hear Jill chuckling on the other end of the line.

  “Every woman on the planet, with the exception of your mother, is probably infatuated with him. So what if that’s all it is? You need a little fling before you settle down and get married. You didn’t exactly date around a lot, you know.”

  “You’re not helping.”

  “Lindsey, time to grow up and make a decision. You can’t please everyone, so do what you want to do.”

  “You and Levi, always turning everything back around on me.”

  “Well, I like Levi more and more with each new thing I learn about him. And, if you toss him aside, don’t you dare complain to me when you see him with someone else, or if I visit and take a shot at him.”

  “You’re horrible! You know that, right?”

  “Just being honest. Trust me, there will be someone else waiting to take him off your hands.”

  “I know.” The image of Shari’s face flickers through my mind, inspiring intense jealousy. “Okay. Thanks for listening to me gripe on my birthday. I knew this day would suck.”

  “Happy birthday.”

  “Bye.”

  Downstairs, the fragrant roses remind me I’ve yet to thank Rob for remembering my birthday. I know he’ll be wondering if they’re freshly cut or dying. It’s always been one of his pet peeves. He’s sent back more than a few orders when they’ve arrived in poor condition. These roses, however, are perfectly firm and beginning to open. By Monday, they’ll be glorious.

  I snap a photo of myself with the flowers and attach it to my thank-you note. It takes some thought to compose an appropriate, simple message.

  Rob,

  Look at the gorgeous flowers you sent. You can see for yourself they’re in perfect condition. ;-) Thank you for remembering my birthday. Getting older forces me to acknowledge the need to make some decisions. I know you are waiting for some answers from me. I hope to have them soon. Until then, be well. Again, thank you for the flowers. You surprised me. Thinking of you.

  Love,

  Lindsey

  I hit Send and sit back, realizing I’d been holding my breath. Okay, enough dwelling on thoughts of Levi and Rob. I should schedule the rest of my training sessions and do a little extra reading on guardian ad litems and the legal system.

  It’s just past three when I return from the bookstore with a book about foster care and another about cultural diversity. Educating myself about the foster care system and related hardships has really made me realize what a bubble I’ve lived in for most of my life. The courage shown by the children, and volunteers in many instances, is uplifting. But other stories bring me to tears. I want to be admitted into this group so I, too, can stand up for a defenseless child or two.

  I lift the book bag out of my car. Rather than enter the house through the garage, I walk outside to pick up the package—probably from Jill—the mailman left at the front door. On my way out of the garage, my heart skips a beat when I see Levi in the passenger seat of Elena’s car as it pulls out of his driveway.

  I’m glad they didn’t notice me, but can’t help wondering where they’re going together. Did he have a follow-up appointment today? A therapy session?

  Although he has no interest in Elena, envy gnaws at me. I should be with him today, not her. If my mother hadn’t interfered, everything would be normal today. I’d be spending my birthday cooking something with him tonight and playing Scrabble or listening to him read more of Unbroken.

  Instead, I’m sitting here alone, my heart torn between two dissimilar men, with no one to talk to about any of it, except for Jill, whose best advice is to abandon all caution and start something with Levi.

  I open the box Jill sent. Inside are two smaller boxes and a card, which reads, Hope you enjoy these little gifts. Feel free to use the spray on your mom, Rob, Levi, or anyone else (except me, of course, because I’m immune). Happy birthday! Puzzled, I open the smallest box to discover a pretty pair of silver and turquoise earrings. Inside the second box is a gag gift: a can of “asshole repellant.” In spite of everything, I can’t help but laugh. This is why I still love Jill.

  But at ten thirty, I find myself on my deck for the fourth time tonight. I can’t believe Levi never even called to say happy birthday. I still don’t see any lights on in his house, either. He’s never returned since taking off with Elena. Curiosity and concern are killing me. I won’t call him, not when I’m not even sure what I want to say.

  He said we needed time apart, and he sure meant it.

  I don’t like it, not one bit.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  August 18, 2013

  Levi

  I spent the past week at a local hotel near the Ranch at Live Oak retreat and participated in the Ranch to Farm Culinary Experience cooking classes with its executive chef. I escaped Lindsey while staying close enough to return quickly if she called. Of course, she never did.

  At least I’m turning the corner in terms of healing. The PICC line came out yesterday and my back pain subsides a little each day. As for my time away, the cooking classes have been the best part of the week—the silver lining, so to speak.

  It’s been costly, but worth it. I couldn’t have steered clear of Lindsey those first couple of days if I saw her on the beach or sitting on her deck. I can’t handle the forceful pull of my novel affection.

  In the mountains above Malibu, I was removed from temptation. But as I sit in the cab on my way home, I’m ready to face Lindsey without losing my nerve or my mind.

  She’s a wonderful person, but she’s not mine. Truth is, she’s not anyone’s. None of us really are, but some vow to belong to others. If she belongs to anyone, it’s Rob and her parents, not me.

  I’m an interloper, the fortunate beneficiary of her empathy.

  Whatever interest she has in me is probably linked to my face more than anything else. I know better than anyone how quickly physical attraction dies when it’s not paired with more.

  If I could trade this face for a normal one in exchange for a healthier emotional life, for a chance to be inwardly lovable enough to keep a parent or a woman in my life, I might do it. But wishing won’t make it happen, so I’ll live as I always did until recently.

  The taxi pulls into my driveway at six o’clock. I drop my luggage inside, return to the cab, and ask the driver to take me to Duke’s. I’m hungry and not quite ready to sit alone all night. Funny, being alone never bothered me before—I’d preferred it that way—but now it’s the last thing I want.

  I glance at Lindsey’s house, wondering what she’s done all week. Has she missed me? Has she made any decisions about her life? I know I’ll bump into her soon, but right now I’m going out to be around other people.<
br />
  After dinner, I sit at the bar and talk with Joe. The place closes early on Sundays, so business is slow. Joe’s breaking down the bar for the night.

  “You look better than last time I saw you, Levi.” Joe pours me a tall, cold beer. “They ever find the driver?”

  “No.” I play with my beer glass by twisting it around on the counter. “No trace of him. I spoke with the cops again this week, but they doubt they’ll find the driver without new evidence. Guess I’ll never get reimbursed for my medical bills or pain and suffering.”

  “Probably some illegal alien—vanished into thin air.” Joe wipes down the back bar while we talk.

  I nod, having not considered that particular scenario. Seems as likely as any other at this point, which means they wouldn’t even have any assets to pursue.

  I can’t imagine hitting someone and leaving them to die, but I’ve experienced a lot of things in my life I wouldn’t have imagined.

  At the end of her shift, Shari comes over and sits with me while Joe finishes cleaning the bar.

  “Hey, Levi, honey. Where’s the new lady friend you brought here the other week?” She winks at Joe and then looks back at me.

  “At home, I suspect.” I grab a final mouthful of peanuts and act blasé about Lindsey. “Not sure.”

  “Huh. She seemed different from your usual ‘friends,’ but maybe I was wrong.” She raises her eyebrows to challenge me, but I just smile and tease her to shut her up.

  “Shari, does Joe know you’re still interested in my love life? How do you feel about that, Joe?”

  Shari laughs and Joe smirks. He’s cool with our past, mostly because he knows it never amounted to more than passing pleasure.

  Shari slaps my shoulder. “Go ahead, change the subject. But you acted different with her. You admired her, too.”

  Jesus. Now I’m an open book? “She’s a neighbor and a friend. She took care of me for most of my recovery when I needed a lot of help. I’m grateful to her.” I hide behind a swig of beer because I don’t want to talk about Lindsey. “Joe, can you call me a cab?”

  “We’ll give you a ride home, no worries.” Joe looks at Shari to confirm and she nods in assent.

  “Thanks. I’ll take that offer.”

  When we arrive at my house, Joe asks to use the bathroom, so he and Shari come inside. Shari tours the first floor and deck while Joe’s indisposed.

  “Shoot, Levi. If I’d have known where you lived, maybe I’d have prolonged our little fling.” She laughs as she opens the door and strides onto the deck.

  “Oh yeah? If only I’d known,” I tease.

  “You’re so lucky you can sit here listening to the ocean under the stars.” She sits on a chaise. “Joe and I have nothing special planned tonight. Want company or do you need to rest your back?”

  “No, I’m feeling fine. I’ll grab some beer.”

  I bring my Bose speakers, iPod, and three Harp ales outside, with Joe in tow. The three of us reminisce about past shenanigans at the bar for a while, then they both head inside to use the bathroom and get another drink.

  I’m reclined on a lounge chair, gazing at the stars, when Lindsey runs up my back steps calling out my name. She arrives in her pajamas and steps toward me, her eyes full of relief. Then her hands find her hips and her expression turns irate.

  “I saw your lights when I was going to bed. I couldn’t believe it. Where have you been?” She’s speaking quickly; her voice is strained as she sits beside me. “I didn’t call because you said you wanted some space, but after everything that’s happened this summer, I can’t believe you never once checked in with me. I almost didn’t come over because I’m so angry with you, but I needed to know you’re okay.”

  My will weakens the instant she nestles up against me. Memories of her kiss torment me, but I don’t embrace her. I’ve worked hard all week to rebuild my wall. I need to be cautious and not fall prey to her whimsical emotions. I gently lift her from my chest until she’s sitting alongside me.

  Brushing her fallen hair back behind her ear, I drink her in with my eyes. I speak in quiet tones.

  “I’m fine. I took a little vacation, that’s all. Sorry you worried. It didn’t occur to me you might be concerned.”

  She blinks in surprise, like I’m crazy for not realizing how she’d react.

  At that moment, Shari steps onto the deck with more beer. Upon seeing Lindsey, she cheerfully greets her.

  “Hiya, you want one, too? I can get another.” Shari waits for Lindsey’s answer while she hands me a cold beer.

  Lindsey recognizes her immediately and jumps up from the chaise, retreat in her eyes and body language. I know she’s misreading this situation and can see her mind adding two and two together and coming up with five.

  Within three seconds, she’s assumed Shari and I spent the past week together. I don’t fret. Joe will appear any second. But then Lindsey’s bitter, resentful eyes shoot me a death stare. She bolts off the deck faster than a lizard slipping under a rock.

  Shari stares at me wide-eyed and mouths the word “sorry.” I pry myself from my lounge chair to chase down Lindsey. Unfortunately, I can’t move with any speed, partly because of my back, and partly because my heart’s in a vise.

  I call after her, but she won’t slow down or turn around. By the time I reach her back door, it’s locked and the lights are off. I bang on the frame and call her name again, but she doesn’t answer.

  Using my hands to shield the sides of my face, I press against the glass to peer inside. I don’t see her anywhere. I bang once more before giving up and heading home. Joe and Shari are waiting on the deck, full of apologies.

  “It’s not your fault. She didn’t even bother finding out the truth. Obviously, she mustn’t think much of me if she believes what I think she does. Anyway, I’m not about to lose sleep over it.” I lie because I won’t admit the truth.

  Shari pipes up. “You men are so damn stupid and stubborn.”

  Joe squeezes her shoulder and suggests she mind her own business, then bids me adieu. On her way out, Shari turns to me.

  “Levi, I’ve known you a while. You didn’t run off this porch because she doesn’t matter to you. Lay your pride aside and tell her. If you can’t be honest, then you deserve what you get.” She leans up to kiss my cheek then gives me a fairly stinging pat on the cheek to emphasize her point.

  Once they leave, I call Lindsey, but she still doesn’t answer. I don’t leave a message, but call twice more during the next hour. She must’ve turned her phone off by my third attempt, because it goes straight to voice mail.

  Hell, I won’t spend my night begging her to talk to me. She’s the one who ran off before learning the facts.

  I lie in bed wide-awake. When I saw Lindsey earlier, everything inside me lit up. For those precious seconds, I felt completely happy and wanted to wrap her up and run away with her.

  I never understood brokenhearted love songs until now. Part of me wants to scale the walls of her house and force my way in—but it’s no use. Without trust, and with Rob still in her heart, there’s no chance for us.

  Plus, for better or worse, I’m damaged goods and I know it. I’ve done all right for myself, by myself, but I’ve never learned how to love anyone. Never trusted anyone to care a whiff about me, either.

  At the end of the day, I doubt I can make Lindsey happy. She’d leave me broken and embittered. Lindsey’s like a rainbow, beautiful and vibrant. But I can’t really hold on to a rainbow, can I?

  Lindsey

  I’m starting to hate men, especially Levi and Rob. I spent the better part of last week worrying about Levi’s state of mind, and blaming myself for sending him running from his home. All the while, he was off having a grand time with his tart from the bar.

  Pleasure—that’s all men care about. Goddamned sex. And Shari, so cheerful, with her sensuous hair and victorious grin. I practically handed him to her on a platter.

  I’d convinced myself I meant something more than hi
s flings. But he replaced me with Shari without any hesitation. If he expects me to talk to him now, he’s crazy. He can bang on the door and call me all night long for all I care. I have nothing to say to him.

  Damn it. I can’t sleep. Images of Levi and Shari intertwined keep coming quickly, one after another, driving me crazy.

  Of all the reunion scenarios I’d dreamed up this week, I didn’t foresee this one. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m surprised. Rob risked everything during our engagement for one night with Ava. How’d I not anticipate Levi finding a willing substitute when we weren’t even dating?

  Relief filled me when I saw activity at his house tonight. I’d been so glad to see him on the deck, relaxing peacefully. Without a second thought, I threw myself at him—literally. My body naturally melted into his, but instead of embracing me, he practically pushed me away.

  Guess he accomplished his goal of clearing his head. He’s returned to his home and routine lifestyle without looking backward.

  Maybe the most shocking thing is feeling as upset now as I felt over Rob. How’s that possible? Rob and I had made a commitment to each other; we were in love. We’d spent almost three years dating, and lived together for one of them. His choice to bed Ava—whether only once, as he claims, or more often, as I suspect—tattered the ties that bound me to him.

  I can’t accuse Levi of doing the same. The only ties in place were the ones I created in my own fantasies. My rescue delusions, as Jill would claim. Yet my heart aches as much today as it did months ago in New York.

  Levi never lied to me. He never uttered a romantic promise or offered more than friendship with benefits. In fact, even the friendship had been a difficult bridge to cross.

  I infringed on his privacy, insisted on helping care for him, and invented a deep connection where none existed. At every turn, Levi warned me off, admitting to a disinterest in close friendships or exclusive romantic entanglements. To top it off, I refused his sexual advances, so how can I blame him for pursuing another woman who’s free to meet him on his terms?

  I’m angry with myself, and weary. I didn’t travel across the country looking for love. I came to contemplate my life. But what, of lasting value, have I learned?