In the Cards

by Jamie Beck

  If you shut me out, I’ll miss you. Whether or not you believe me, I am your friend.

  Love,

  Lindsey

  I read her letter twice more. I’m important to her. She’s my friend. I deserve love. She’ll miss me. Love, Lindsey. Love. I crush the letter against my chest and stare at the ceiling.

  I’ve missed her so much since her damn birthday dinner. I don’t want her to disappear from my world like she did in my dream, even if I can’t trust her not to spy on me or take off to New York.

  The truth is, I’m set up for pain whether I let go now or she walks away later. But with the second option, there’s no pain now, and maybe, none later.

  Mama really screwed me up worse than Pop. He tainted my thinking, but Mama killed part of my heart. Maybe I should confront her, if for no other reason than to finally look her in the eye and make her face me.

  I’m curious to know how she started a new life—one without me—but I’ve been afraid of the answers. Damn, I liked it better when I didn’t know where, or if, she lived. Now that Pop’s thrown her whereabouts in my lap, it’s harder to ignore my innermost fears.

  All of these years, I’d convinced myself I controlled my destiny and feared nothing. In fact, I’ve allowed fear to dictate most of my decisions. My fear of loss, rejection, and failure has kept me apart from others.

  Lindsey’s parents may assert too much control over her life, but at least they didn’t destroy her ability to believe in people. If I conquer the fear of hearing Mama’s story, perhaps I can learn to embrace the way Lindsey’s changing my outlook.

  Would Lindsey come with me?

  Lindsey

  After a failed attempt at studying this morning, I decide to lounge on my couch and watch Downton Abbey on Netflix. I’m inhaling a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia like my life depends on it when I see Levi approaching my back door.

  I hadn’t expected him.

  Anchored in place from shock, I wave him in without getting up. The remaining evidence of my pity party melts slowly in the container on the table in front of me.

  “Hi.” It’s all I can say while my heart is in my throat.

  “Got your note.” He holds up the paper before tossing it on the table.

  I sit forward. My hands grasp the edges of the seat cushion. I can’t take my eyes off him, but I can’t read his thoughts, either.

  “Can you forgive me?” I hold my breath, wincing in anticipation of his reply.

  He seats himself at the other end of the L-shaped sofa.

  “For which, snooping or lying?” His face reveals no emotion. He’s scrutinizing me, evaluating my behavior and responses.

  “Both, Levi. Honestly, from the moment I read the note, I’ve been so sorry. I was too afraid to confess, so I questioned you in the hospital instead. Once you told me the truth, I figured the letter didn’t matter anymore. I’m not justifying the lie, but I was worried about your recovery. You were so sick with that infection. I couldn’t risk being pushed away, not when you needed me most.”

  Levi stands and begins pacing around the room. I assume he’s debating my remarks, but his tension seems to be emanating from something more. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he feared something. I wait without speaking. To press will only send him scampering. I take reconciliations with family and friends for granted, but this is new for him. Be patient.

  “I’m going to Atlanta.” He stops and stares at me, his eyes reflecting uncertainty with his decision.

  Without flinching, I cross the room and embrace him. “That’s very brave.”

  He doesn’t respond to my hug, so I draw back. He catches my hands in his and caresses them with his thumbs. I love the sensation of him drawing these gentle circles on my skin.

  His face wrinkles under the strain of anxiety. “Will you come with me?”

  My mouth falls open at his request. His eyes narrow and brows arch.

  I’m simultaneously overwhelmed and terrified. This confrontation may well be the biggest moment of his life. I’m not convinced my presence is a great idea. But, after what I’ve done, he’s taking a huge leap of faith by extending the invitation.

  I can’t possibly refuse.

  “If you want me to come, I’ll be there.”

  His worried expression fades into a shy smile. “Thanks.” He pulls me into a brief hug, releasing me too soon.

  I hesitate, unsure whether he plans to say more about my snooping. When he doesn’t, I decide to let it go.

  “So, when are we taking this trip?” I ask, once he steps back from me.

  “Before I change my mind. I’ll purchase the tickets and pay for the hotel rooms. Leave Thursday, return Friday?”

  “Oh, okay.” Separate rooms—a good, if disappointing, idea. I smile awkwardly. “I don’t have any plans, so that’s fine.”

  He holds my gaze. “Thanks.”

  Questions tumble from my mouth when he starts to leave.

  “Wait a sec, can’t we talk?” I motion to the sofa and take a seat myself.

  Levi hesitates before sitting. His typically calm, controlled demeanor is replaced with the air of a young, uncertain boy.

  “I don’t want to talk about what you did, Lindsey. I’m not happy about it, mostly because you hid it from me for weeks. It makes it difficult to trust you, but I’m trying to keep it in perspective.”

  The hard edge of his voice signifies the extreme difficulty he’s having giving me a second chance. His steely hazel eyes remain aloof and detached, but don’t scare me away from speaking my mind.

  “I understand. That’s not what I want to talk about, though.” I’m leaning forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “I want to ask about the trip. What’s your goal? Only yesterday you wouldn’t even consider seeing her. What’s changed?”

  “I don’t know exactly.” He scratches the back of his neck. “I don’t want to talk about it, though.”

  “How will you talk to her if you can’t even discuss it with me? Maybe we should role-play or something?”

  He smiles for the first time today, apparently amused by my suggestion.

  “Role-play? Jesus, I haven’t seen the woman in more than twenty years.” He’s closed himself up again. The air around him pulses with frenetic energy. “I have no idea what she’ll say, or do, when I show up. This isn’t the kind of discussion we can plan.”

  “Well, what do you remember about her?”

  “Not much. I’ve blocked a lot of it out.” The left side of his lip curls upward. “She’s nothing like you.”

  “I hope not. I’d never leave my child.” Fudge. I need a filter!

  His brows leap upward. “Look, I thought I’d handle it better if you were close by, but I don’t expect you to be involved.”

  “Well, do you hope for some kind of reconciliation? Do you want a relationship with her in the future?”

  His features pinch in discomfort. “No! I don’t know. It’s complicated. I need answers, mostly.” His gaze shifts. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  “Okay.” Since he appears to be on the edge of an explosion, I concede.

  “I’ll let you know once I have our itinerary.” He stands. “Thanks for coming with me.”

  “Thanks for asking.” I smile broadly. Before I can ask him to stay for dinner, my phone rings. I view the screen and grimace.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  Levi waves and silently exits through the screen door. Although I’m disappointed he made no effort to stay, I’m thrilled that he asked me to accompany him to Atlanta. It’s a significant step, and even though he’s still mistrustful, I now know I’m important to him.

  My mom’s voice interrupts my reverie. “Hi, honey. I’m calling to see if you plan to come home for your father’s birthday next month.”

  I take the gooey ice cream carton to the garbage and toss the spoon in the sink. “Oh, that’s right. Are you planning a big party?”

  “Just something intimate here at the house. I�
�d like you to be here.”

  “Of course, Mom. I want to come. It’ll be nice to see my friends, too. Maybe I’ll stay for a week.”

  “Wonderful. Perhaps you can meet with Rob and make some decisions.” A cool silence hangs between us.

  “Perhaps.” It’s not a bad idea. By then we’ll have spent four months apart. Despite my growing realization we couldn’t share a happy marriage, I should discuss it with him face-to-face. Maybe seeing him again will settle the matter for good.

  “Your father will be pleased. Shall I make reservations at Bliss Spa or the theater or whatnot? You must be missing some of your usual activities.”

  Actually, I haven’t missed those things much, but I don’t mention it to Mom. She’s extending a peace offering, so I humor her to keep things pleasant. Old habits die hard.

  “Sure, whatever you’d like to do is fine with me. Maybe Jill will join us.”

  “Maybe.” She pauses before launching into less-pleasant territory. “So, what are you doing these days? I assume Levi’s needing you less and less as his recovery progresses.”

  My insides bristle at the obnoxious tone she affects whenever mentioning Levi.

  “Well, I’m traveling to Atlanta with him to confront his mother.” I can’t help myself from adding, “Looks like he’s taking your advice after all. That should make you happy.”

  After a short pause, she launches into a lecture.

  “Lindsey, where’s your mind? Stay out of his family situation. What’s it got to do with your issues or reasons for running off in the first place? You’re getting too involved with him.”

  “I care about him, Mom. He’s taking a huge emotional risk and asked for my support.”

  “He’s using you, Lindsey. Men like him don’t settle down and fall in love. Maybe you haven’t ended up in his bed yet, but you’re letting your imagination run wild if you believe he’ll become a man who can commit and be a real partner, like Rob.”

  “God forbid Levi turns into Rob. Rob, a man so committed he cheated on me. News flash, Mom: Rob isn’t the only man on the planet. He looks great on paper, but he’s proven himself to be unreliable, untrustworthy, and unsafe.” I’m surprised by my conviction as the words fall from my mouth. Perhaps I’m more decided than I realized. “I’m not discussing this with you. I’m traveling to Atlanta, whether or not you agree.”

  “I don’t recognize you at all, Lindsey.”

  “That’s a shame because, for the first time in years, I’m finally rediscovering myself.” I smile at the truth of my statement.

  Silence.

  “Mom, I don’t want to be at odds. You’re taking matters personally that have little to do with you. I wish you’d chill out and let me spread my wings.”

  “You say that as if I don’t want to see you happy. Why is my experience and advice suddenly so repugnant?”

  “I respect your advice, Mom, but you need to respect my right to reject it on occasion.” I hear her sigh.

  “I’ll see you in a few weeks. Levi’s not invited to stay here, Lindsey.”

  “What a surprise!” I spit out. “Bye.”

  I flop onto the sofa. Not even my mom can dampen my spirits today. Levi forgave me, basically, for my meddling. He’s taking me with him to meet his mother. He needs me and I’m happy.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Levi

  My eyes open at four a.m., before the alarm rings. It’s no surprise, considering I barely slept. We’re booked on a seven o’clock flight to Atlanta, so I need to hustle. I should have taken a sleeping pill last night. Now my typically limited patience is sure to decrease due to the lack of rest.

  Needless to say, I’ve been plagued with doubts for the past two days. The closer this trip got, the worse I felt. I seldom make uncalculated, impulsive decisions, and I’m still clueless about my goals.

  I’ve no idea what to expect, or how I’ll feel, when I see Mama’s eyes. For the first time in my life, I’m walking to the table blind, deaf, and dumb. I swear, Lindsey’s turned me into an idiot.

  Of course, she’s inexplicably happy about this trip. I’m still upset with her, but I’ve kept my mouth shut. She’s under the impression all’s been forgiven. I don’t dispel the notion because my anger’s subsiding anyway, and I need her to come with me.

  She lacks the courage of her convictions in her own life, but she’s very strong when it comes to everything else. I’m counting on her to back me up if I stumble. And ultimately, I’m confronting my past so I might have a different kind of future, one that involves her. She should be with me when I do.

  The knock at my front door disturbs the quiet of my house. I roll my suitcase out to greet Lindsey. Despite the obscenely early hour, she’s bright-eyed and brimming with nervous energy. The morning breeze blows her yellow dress around her knees. She’s wearing makeup, earrings, and heels.

  “Tell me you didn’t get all dressed up to impress my mama, Lindsey.” I shake my head.

  “I wanted to look nice. So what?” Her hand skitters along her skirt. “It’s the proper way to meet.” She sighs when I roll my eyes. “Give me your bag, grumpy.” She hoists my suitcase from my hand. “Would you rather I be in cutoff shorts and braless when I meet your mother?”

  I suppress the sudden arousal that image evokes, then seat myself in the car.

  “That’d probably be more appropriate, under the circumstances.” I narrow my gaze to get her attention. “This isn’t a date or something. I’m not bringing you home to meet my beloved mother. This is a skirmish with a virtual stranger.”

  My terse response is meant to remind her of the circumstances, not to hurt her. She winces nonetheless, at my tone or message, or both.

  Several hours later, after a turbulent flight and a terrible lunch, we check into the hotel. I’d have preferred one room, but between her confusion about Rob and our recent fight, I doubted she’d have been comfortable.

  “So, what time are we meeting with your mom?” she asks before I enter my room.

  “The sooner the better.” I insert the key card and open my door. Truthfully I could use some time to lie down and recover from the flight. My back’s sore, but I’ll pop a pain pill to numb it. Maybe it will numb my mind, too, which would be helpful. “Can you be ready in fifteen minutes?”

  “Oh, sure. Is she expecting us already? It’s midafternoon. Doesn’t she work?”

  “Hell if I know.” I look at her as if she’s from Mars. “I didn’t call her. We’re just going to show up.”

  Lindsey follows me into my room. Her huge eyes reflect utter shock as she drops her luggage by her feet.

  “What? Tell me I didn’t hear you right, Levi. Tell me we’re not descending, unannounced, on your mother’s doorstep!” There they go—her hands are planted on her hips again. I grin.

  “No can do, darlin’. That’s exactly what we’re doing.” I scratch my cheek defiantly, then wonder why I’m standing here ready to rumble with Lindsey. She’s not the object of my anger, but she’s the one who’s here.

  “What if she’s at work, or away, or who knows where?”

  “We’ll wait a while, or leave and go back after five.”

  “Why did you come here this way? An ambush can only end badly. Did you really fly across the country to fight?” Her hands gesticulate all over the place, which is helpful, because it tickles me to see her all worked up. “And I get a front-row seat to the brawl. Oh, great. Thanks so much!”

  I chuckle.

  “Oh, of course this is funny to you.” She frowns.

  “No, this ain’t funny.” Damn, grammar. “You’re funny, though.”

  Lindsey leans against the wall and sighs.

  “Levi, please reconsider. It’ll be a shame to have come all this way only to leave worse off than when you arrived. I thought you wanted to make peace. Not start a war. You’re blindsiding her on purpose. That’s not fair.”

  “Fair? Fair?” Thunder explodes in my head. “Why the hell should I be fair to her? She
didn’t give a lick about fair when she walked away from me.” My booming voice surprises Lindsey. Scares her, even. I blow out a breath and quiet down. “If I’d have called her, do you honestly think she’d have agreed to see me?”

  Lindsey scowls and purses her lips together. “Maybe not.” Resignation dims her face. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll never know.” She picks up her luggage. “It’s your show, Levi. I’ll go along. I can’t imagine everything you feel, especially since you refuse to share it with me.” She casts me a hopeful glance. When I offer no reply, she sighs. “I’ll be back soon, then we can go.”

  My blood pressure’s climbing. I toss my suitcase on the bed and wander to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. Staring at myself in the mirror, I question whether Lindsey’s right. Am I wasting this trip by planning a battle? What do I truly want from Mama?

  The elusive answer is what’s kept me awake these past few nights. All I know is I want to feel better. But what will make me feel better? Do I want to wreck her life, the way she destroyed mine? Will vengeance make me feel better?

  I’d bet big bucks her new husband doesn’t know about me. What man could fall in love with a woman who left her child? Yeah, I feel the ugly part of me that wants to rob her happiness since she stole much of mine. In the long run, however, that small victory won’t improve my life, and it might even give me another thing to regret.

  Obviously Lindsey’s not pleased with my intention, either, which doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t need her approval, but I don’t particularly like her disapproval, either. Hell, she’s one big reason I came here in the first place. If I end up lowering her opinion of me, it sure will have been a waste of my time and money.

  She knocks at the door but I’m not ready to face her just yet. I take a deep breath, staring into the mirror, searching for the answer.

  Nothing.

  Guess it’s simply showtime.

  Lindsey parks the car in front of Mama’s house, which is located in a middle-class suburb of Atlanta. It’s a decent street, safe and all, littered with small homes and smaller yards. The moss-green house has a large front porch with a swing, and is surrounded by flowerbeds. Angst stretches throughout my chest as I consider how different my childhood might have been here, with her.