Fragile Chaos

by Amber R. Duell

  “Cassia still doesn’t know her brother is alive,” I say slowly.

  Goran stares at me across the board without a word, and I shudder. The truth of it gnaws at me. I should have told her a long time ago, but I didn’t want it to influence her decision to abandon Kisk. And maybe her opinion of me, as well. My body grows tight, high-strung and ready to run. Cassia might not be able to forgive me for hiding the truth or for letting him stay in that wretched place. I flex my hands in and out of fists to fight the numbness there. She isn’t the only one with something to say later. There can’t be any more lies.

  “You don’t have to tell her you knew the whole time,” Goran suggests. “Tell her we stumbled upon him while freeing the others.”

  It’s reasonable. Without my abilities, I don’t know everyone that survived. “I can’t lie to her,” I admit. Reality threatens to suffocate me. I could lose her for this. “If she finds out from someone else, it will only make it worse.”

  Goran shrugs. “Well, the Asgyans treat their prisoners humanely, so they’ll more likely take the brunt of the work. The ones from Volkana will need the most care. I believe Colonel Stavros would be a good man to lead if we can get the others to trust him, but I don’t know his physical or mental state. It’s possible he’s dead by now.” He scans the board. Distant. Unseeing. “Either way, I think this plan will work. The men and women will be desperate not only to save their island, but destroy their enemies. They’ll find the energy somehow.”

  Some will. Some will not. But it’s the best chance we have.

  “We’ll start here, then.” I touch the camp where Oren is. “If the Colonel is going to lead this campaign, he’ll need the extra time to rest.”

  Goran sighs. “You know what this means, don’t you?”

  “What?”

  “We have to talk Hex into smuggling thousands of men and women back into Kisk.”

  I fight a smile and tap his shoulder with the back of my hand. “I’ll let you break the news to her.”

  True to his word, it’s been days since I’ve seen Theo. The only reason I know he’s been back, is because he sneaks into my room each morning to kiss my forehead. He stands there for a few long moments, staring at me, and I itch to open my eyes for a small glimpse of him. The scent of cool steel, sulfur, and the ocean linger in my room long after he’s gone. The image of him after the explosion haunts me. I want to make sure he’s in one piece, but it feels more important not to. Like the moment, in all its frailty, is somehow holding Theo together when he needs it most. To wake up might break whatever spell is keeping this thing he and I have from imploding.

  But I can’t avoid him or the conversation we need to have forever.

  Soon, whatever feelings Theo has toward me will be lost, cracked beyond repair because lying by omission is still lying. His entire choice to be with me was based on it. He said himself he wouldn’t have touched me if I wanted to save Kisk. I’m sure saving my brother falls into the same category, and I can’t deny the truth that I had meant to steal his control. If my own feelings, my conscience, hadn’t gotten in the way, I would have.

  I’m not sure how to tell him I know Oren is alive. There’s no good way to go about it, so I suppose I’ll just say it. I’ll say it, then I’ll ask Theo to save him, because, either way, whatever we have will be finished. My body strains against the thought of this being ripped away.

  I shift under the covers and press the heels of my hands to my eyes. I won’t cry. I did this to myself and deserve whatever heartache I get. Plotting behind someone’s back always backfires. I never realized how high these stakes would be.

  I roll over to where Moki is curled, sleeping on one of my pillows, and snuggle my nose into her sort fur. I’m strong, I remind myself. Stronger than this. I repeat it over and over until, eventually, I fall back into a fitful sleep. A sleep full of nightmares teeming with fierce blue eyes, reptilian masks of crimson and gold, and glinting silver swords.

  When I wake, I’m soaked in a cold sweat. I shiver as I toss the covers back. The misplaced guilt I felt for over a year in Kisk never came close to this. Raw and chafing, it courses through me like liquid fire. I can’t do it anymore.

  Today, I tell Theo the truth.

  I fling open the wardrobe to find my own kind of armor to go up against the War God. I need something that makes me feel confident, unshakable. This might even go well enough for me to get my own volume in his archives. I imagine the jerky handwriting on the inside cover. Cassia: Kisken Liar Extraordinaire. With a sharp breath, I settle on a pink lace top with a pair of dark jeans. With a quick scratch to Moki’s head, I hurry to shower and dress.

  Then to the entryway to wait.

  And wait.

  And wait some more.

  Hours tick by, but I don’t move from the foot of the stairs. My stomach growls, still accustomed to unnecessary daily meals, and I press a hand over it. The fingers of my other hand strike in quick succession on a step while I tap my shoes against the marble floor. I take a series of deep breaths. I’ll be here when Theo gets back if it kills me. Then maybe he will kill me, but knowing I’ll lose someone I love feels the same as being dead.

  My heart skips a beat. It’s the first time I’ve let myself think that word. Love. Over the last few days it’s popped into my mind over and over, but I’ve kept it locked it away. Loving someone means giving them the power to hurt you. It’s handing them your soul and asking them not to tear it to pieces. Admitting to myself that I love Theo now is dangerous; I’m about to be run through the shredder. But I can’t help it. I do. I love him.

  A shadow shifts across the floor, and I leap to my feet in time for Theo to shuffle through the door, running his fingers through his hair. My whole body tingles at the sight of him. Each heartbeat echoes in my ears. I can’t tell him. I can never tell him.

  I have to tell him.

  My stomach knots violently and I grab the banister to stay standing. Theo’s shirt collar is stretched, one sleeve unrolled, the cuff hanging loose around his wrist. He kicks the door shut with the heel of his boot and releases a heavy sigh. My hands tremble as I watch him. He stands with his head bent, hair stiff with saltwater, and his eyes closed for so long I think he’s fallen asleep on his feet. I bite my bottom lip and remind myself why I’ve been sitting here all day: to seal my fate, for better or worse.

  A small, tired grunt travels across the entryway and I move forward as if pulled by invisible strings. “You’re back,” I say, wiping my hands on my pants.

  Theo’s body jolts, a smile already breaking through the lines of fatigue etched on his face. “Cassia.” It’s a whisper, carved with longing, that tugs me closer. Then his arms are around me and I’m enveloped in his warmth. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in years,” he says against my neck.

  His fingertips glide over my collarbone. I laugh to hide the shiver cascading over me. “Only days.” So many days.

  “Only?” He pulls back and kisses me, soft and slow. “Have you been all right on your own?”

  I’ve managed to keep myself busy and finally got a rock to hop once before sinking, but I don’t say that. My face twitches, threatening to fall. I make myself smile instead. “Nevermind me. How are you?” I scratch at the stubble on his cheek. He smells of fire and stagnant water. “You look like you need a break.”

  “That’s exactly what I need.” The weight of his hands settling on my hips grounds me. “But first I’m going to take a shower.” He leans down and kisses me again. “Then I’m going to do more of this.” He shifts closer, pressing a hand at the small of my back. My fingertips light over the erratic pulse in his neck. After a moment, he smiles against my mouth. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

  As he circles me to reach the stairs, he keeps a hand on my waist, turning me with him, drinking me in. His smile melts away my anxiety. There’s warmth in his expression, tender and excited, that I’ve never seen before. I don’t understand it but I recognize it all the same. He c
ares for me. I’m not sure how much or if it’s the same as I care for him, but it’s true. Absolutely true.

  Theo finally dashes up the stairs and I nearly collapse as the water kicks on in the bathroom. Okay. I sigh. This is going to be harder than I expected. My thoughts scattered when he touched me. He looked at me as if I’ve become his entire world. To never see that look again…

  From the corner of my eye, I see motion through the front door. A bright red figure moves in the courtyard, another following in black. Considering the new circumstances, I’m not sure I trust surprise guests. I dart into the sitting room and peek around the floor-length curtains. My jaw drops. Astra. With Cy trailing behind her, his arms crossed.

  Not now.

  She’s the only one with the ability to hurt me before I hurt myself. When she told me about my brother, she was trying to help, so I’m not sure why panic buds in my chest. She won’t tell Theo. This has to be a friendly visit, nothing more, but a raw, nagging worry makes me slip behind the curtain as they burst through the front door.

  The curtain pools around my feet, wrapping me in heavy folds, and I hold my breath. Astra’s shoes clap across the floor. She calls out for Theo, then me, before wandering into the sitting room. She stops and my breath stops along with her. I dig my fingernails into my palms to keep myself from shaking. If the curtain moves, I’m done for.

  “Wait here,” Astra says. “I’ll find them.”

  Her heels recede into the entryway, calling for Theo again, but I stay against the windowpane. The glass cools my skin through my clothes. Cy could easily rat me out for ignoring Astra if I come out of hiding now. I swallow hard. He warned me to be careful with the information about my brother, and I did the exact opposite. He had to believe me when I said I wouldn’t sleep with Theo or I’m sure he would’ve warned me about that too, because it was an absolutely horrible idea. I can’t tell him how right he was on top of everything else.

  “She’s gone,” Cy says. “You can come out, Cassia.”

  I gasp, then groan. “How did you know I was here?” I ask, pushing the fabric aside.

  “I saw you looking out the window as we came up the steps. It was easy enough to assume you didn’t get far.” He studies me like he’s seeing me for the first time. “The Bride of the War God, slinking about her own home.”

  “Shut up,” I hiss. My face burns at the insinuation. And the title—I can’t bear the title. “What are you doing here?”

  He motions to me with both hands. “We received word of the good news,” he says in an even voice.

  “What?” I knew the other gods would know eventually, but I didn’t expect anyone to swing by to applaud us. I mean, who does that? Oh hey, congrats on the sex. No. Just no. I haven’t even processed it. It happened, I know it happened, and I’m happy to have been with Theo, but it opened a bigger can of worms than my virginity. A can chock full of death and despair. I can only handle one massive, overflowing emotion at a time.

  “Is there a newsletter?” I grumble.

  Cy arches an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I know what that means.

  “You play the game well for having so little experience.” He looks over his shoulder at the doorway before stepping closer and lowering his voice. “You should have let your brother go.”

  “I told you, I can’t, but that’s not why—”

  “It doesn’t matter why.” The first sign of anger creeps into his tone. “What matters is that you handed your god over on a silver platter. One slip up, one move out of place, and Ebris will find him in breach of contract. He’s been dying to banish Theodric to the Between since the Ostran War.”

  “Why do you care so much what happens to Theo?” I snap.

  “I don’t.” He blinks, startled by his own words. “Not any more than I care about the other gods, but I’m tired of seeing innocent people get caught up in this feud. Ebris is more cunning, more destructive, than the others put together, and no one has the power to put him in his place. It would have been nice to see someone else win for a change.”

  I want to ask what Ebris did to him or maybe did to Astra, but it doesn’t matter. None of this other stuff matters. If Theo will be banished for not keeping his obligation, if the Between is as bad as the mythology book made it sound, he can’t find out the truth until the war is over. When it ends and his duty to Kisk is complete, I’ll tell him that I knew since the beginning. It will kill me inside to keep it a secret, but I can’t turn back time. It will make me look so much worse in the end, but it will have saved him from himself. It’s the least I can do.

  “This isn’t a game, Cy. Real lives are going to be affected by this,” I say. Theo’s life. My life. “You have to help me keep this a secret.”

  “What? No.” He shifts backward. “I told you to be careful. This is your problem now.”

  “Please,” I beg.

  “I’m not going to volunteer the information, but I won’t lie for you,” he says in a tight voice. “I have myself to think about.”

  “Yourself?” I scoff. Irrational anger digs at my already sore insides. “Are you sure you’re not worried about Astra?”

  He glares at me, almost at the door now. “Astra is a goddess. She knows how to take care of herself.”

  “Cy—”

  The sound of Astra’s heels cut into the conversation, clicking in quick succession until she’s standing in the doorway. “There you are.” She beams.

  “Here I am,” I say flatly.

  “Oh, my beautiful little darling.” The soft ends of her hair tickle my arms as she sweeps me into a hug. “You’re perfect. I always knew you were.”

  Suspicion slithers through my mind, oozing into my limbs. I pat her shoulders and find she’s lacking her usual heat. I break away, unsure what she’s saying. The words themselves are innocent enough, but not the heavy, meaningful aura behind them. She smoothes her hands down my face and holds me in place.

  “Now we can put all this behind us. Cy’s country will be saved. Your brother will be rescued and—”

  “What?” Theo asks, his voice murderously low.

  Astra’s hands fall and the room grows so still my whole body surges in time with my heart. He can’t find out like this. Not like this. Sweat beads along my forehead. It must look like a conspiracy from where he’s standing. Like I schemed against him with his own sister. My blood drains to my feet. My voice is lost.

  “You know your brother is alive?” Theo asks carefully.

  I want to scream that my brother has nothing to do with anything. I want to tell him the other night happened because I love him, not because I wanted to trap him. I want to fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness, to explain that I had made desperate plans for this when I first found out but changed my mind. But I can’t because he’ll never believe a word of it.

  “I know it as well as you do,” I say defensively. He lied too, after all. I’m not in this deception alone.

  “How?” His face falls somewhere between shock and rage. “For how long?”

  “The second time Astra came to visit,” I choke out. “But—”

  Theo grabs Astra’s wrist. “How did you find out?”

  “I have ways of—”

  “Get out,” he booms, shoving his sister toward the door.

  “Theo,” she says in a high voice.

  “Get. Out.”

  He walks toward her until she backs out the front door and slams it in her face. Cy is already gone. My knees wobble and I know…I know how this will end. Was there ever a doubt? I may love Theo but that doesn’t mean he loves me back. Even if he did, he won’t forgive me. It isn’t in his nature. Especially when it comes to the one thing he fought so hard to hold onto. The second he gave me control, I rammed a knife into his back, twisting and tearing at his flesh.

  When Theo returns, the shock is gone but the rage is still there. It ripples through each movement as he strides toward me. His nost
rils are flared, his veins popping under his freshly scrubbed skin.

  “Theo?” I step back, hitting the shield of a white statue. I hold my hands out to keep him at arm’s length. “Theo, listen.”

  “What have you done?” His voice quakes with each syllable.

  “I can explain,” I say. “It’s what I wanted to tell you. I tried, Theo. More than once, but you were busy. And…and you didn’t tell me, either.”

  He’s so close I can hear each labored breath, feel the stir of it in the air. “Tell me I’m dreaming. Tell me it isn’t true,” he begs. “Tell me and I’ll believe it.”

  How I wish I could. “It wasn’t like that,” I say in a rush. I jump as his hands slam down on either side of my head, gripping the corners of the shield. “At first I hated you for keeping it from me and, yes, I wanted to use you to save him, but I changed my mind. I couldn’t betray you like that when I had real feelings for you.”

  “Real feelings?” He barks a laugh. “You’re going to keep up the charade? It’s done. You’ve been caught.”

  “It’s not a charade.” A handful of hot tears roll down my cheek before I can stop them. “In the kitchen, before we went upstairs, I brought up the war. You had a chance to stop, but you didn’t want to any more than I did. I know you felt that I wanted you that night. You. Nothing else.” I reach to touch him but stop before making contact. “Our being together has nothing to do with Kisk or my brother.”

  “Maybe not for me.” His arms tremble around me. “But for you, it had everything to do with it.”

  “It didn’t,” I whisper. A sob lodges in my chest, but I shove it down. “Did I want my brother out of a country that’s known for torturing people? Of course. I tried to ask you for help, but you were too busy to talk. Or maybe you were avoiding me, I don’t know. I tried Theo. I did.”