Tori puts her water down again. “And what about the goofy grin you’ve been wearing all the time?”
“I finally got rid of Meredith. Why wouldn’t I be grinning?”
“I know she’s a tool, but you never seemed to mind her attention before. Why now?” Tori might have a future as a detective, or maybe a lawyer. I’m just glad I’m not on the receiving end of her interrogation.
“It got annoying after a while. I only told her I was into someone else to let her down gently. Meredith isn’t the type of girl who’d back off because I said I didn’t like her. She’d try to change my opinion of her instead. Why are you girls always thinking you can change the guys you like and make them into your ideal, anyway?”
“Don’t turn this around on us,” Tori says.
“Fine. Are you finished with your questioning? Becca and I need to study.”
“What about Ryder? When does he want to hang out?”
“Didn’t say. I’ll talk to him and get back to you.” He turns to me. “You coming?”
Tori waves him away. “Fine. Go. Take my best friend, but remember she’s not your friend.”
He walks away. “Heard you loud and clear.”
She shakes her head. “Ugh, how do you put up with him? Seriously, request another tutor.”
“But then I’d never get to see you.” I put my hand on her shoulder. “At least this way, I’m only two doors away and I can see you before and after.”
“I guess you’re right. Go study.”
I give her a smile and head upstairs. Maybe I’m getting better at lying. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I knock on Toby’s door and it opens immediately.
“What took you so long?”
I walk inside, and he locks the door behind me.
“I’m not supposed to seem eager to study with you, remember?”
“Right.” He inches closer, and his fingers reach for my belt loop and tug me closer. As much as I love kissing him, I can’t help but wonder if that’s all he’s in this for. Does he even want to be my boyfriend?
“I guess we should start with the questions I couldn’t get on the trig test today.”
“You want to study?” He steps back, cocking his head at me.
“Um, if I don’t do better in trig, Mr. Rollar will assign me a new tutor, and then how would we see each other?”
“Touché.” Why does he have to sound so adorable when he says that?
I step closer to him so there are mere inches between us. “Teach me quickly, and we’ll have plenty of time left over.”
“How about we exhaust ourselves and then study?”
I laugh. “Because I have a feeling you don’t exhaust easily.” Oh crap. Did I really just say that? All we’ve done is kiss a few times. Why did I have to go there? I turn away, too embarrassed to look at him.
He reaches for my hand. “Hey.”
“What?” I don’t turn back to him.
“I’m not going to pressure you, you know.”
That’s good to hear. “I know.”
“You’ve never…”
“I so don’t want to have this conversation.” I let go of his hand, walk to the bed, and open my bag. “Can we please just work on trig?”
“Sure.” For the first time ever, he grabs the desk chair and pulls it over to the bed. Great. Now I’ve made him totally uncomfortable thanks to my lameness.
We spend an hour doing nothing but trig. I want to smack myself for so many reasons. First, the problems I missed on today’s test were so easy. I don’t know how I blanked on them. But more than that, I inadvertently admitted I’m a virgin to Toby, of all people, and he hasn’t even so much as touched my hand since. This night is officially ruined.
After we finish studying, I take off. I tell Tori I’m beat, and I drive home. Mom and Dad saved me a plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes, and even though I’m not hungry, I force it down and tell them about my day. Most of it, anyway.
“Why do you think you struggled with your test?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, I thought Toby’s been tutoring you every night.” Dad adjusts his glasses, his gaze never leaving me.
“I think my nerves got the best of me. I knew this chapter inside out yesterday, and it all came back to me during my tutoring session this afternoon. I just have to find a way to make this stuff stick in my head long enough to take the exams.” I shrug a shoulder. “Toby and I doubled our tutoring time, so hopefully that will help.”
Mom reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “Just keep trying your best. I’m sure it will all make sense to you soon.”
I hope so. Because between trig and Toby, my life is a mess.
After dinner I go upstairs and climb into bed. I study for my make-up Spanish quiz on Thursday and then turn out the light. My cell rings just as I close my eyes. Toby.
“Hello?”
“Hey. Can you talk?”
“Sure.” Even though I’m not in the same room with him, I’m still self-conscious after our almost conversation.
“I just want to say I’m sorry.”
“For what?” He’s not the one who went and made things awkward.
“Look, you know I like you, right?”
Does he still? “I guess.”
“What do you mean you guess?”
“I thought maybe after—”
“Wow.” He’s silent for a moment. “I didn’t realize you thought of me like that. I thought you knew me better.”
Great, now I’ve offended him too. I should go before I ruin this completely.
“I’m not that guy. Yeah, I like kissing you, but this isn’t just about physical stuff.”
I sit up, wanting to catch every word he says.
“I know you, Becca. I know you better than I think you know yourself.”
“What do you mean? That’s not even possible.”
“Really? ’Cause I remember you buying a shirt that totally wasn’t you.”
“I did that to get your attention. I thought you’d like me better if I dressed like—”
“Meredith?” He sighs. “You really don’t know me as well as I’d hoped.”
“I’m sorry, but Tori wasn’t wrong earlier. It did seem like you liked Meredith.” I know I wasn’t imagining it. Not if Tori saw it too.
“Maybe I did for a little while. But girls who are always there, never giving you any breathing room, get old fast. I think that’s why I like sneaking around with you. I get a chance to miss you. I look forward to seeing you, even if it’s only for a minute, like when I pulled you out of trig.”
He’s right. Maybe the reason so many couples at Lansfield High implode after two weeks is because they’re always together. They get tired of each other. “I get what you’re saying.”
“You do? You’re not mad that I don’t want to be attached at the hip? Not even after we can come clean to Tori? If we can come clean?”
“No, I’m not mad. I don’t want to be like every other couple in school.”
“Good. Me neither. So, are we cool?”
“Yeah. We’re cool.”
He doesn’t say a word, but I know he’s smiling. “Now about skydiving this weekend.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. You said you knew me.”
“I do. That’s why I know you’re going to come with me.”
I laugh. “You’re crazy. I’m not jumping out of a plane at thirty thousand feet.”
“It’s only ten thousand feet, and yes, you are.”
“Oh, well if it’s only ten thousand feet…”
“Sarcasm, I like it—but you’re still going.”
“Not even if you drag me there.”
“I wouldn’t drag you. It’s too far.”
He’s the only person who can get under my skin and still make me smile. “Not happening. I don’t care what you say.”
“What if I get Ryder to go out with Tori? She’ll be busy with him, and since she’ll be breaking her own stupid rule about not dating each o
ther’s friends, we could go public.”
That might actually work. “You play dirty, you know that?”
“Hey, it’s totally your call. Think it over.” He pauses. Am I supposed to think it over right this second? “Oh, and, Becca?”
“Yeah?”
“Sweet dreams.” He hangs up, and I know I’ll have nightmares of plummeting to my death from ten thousand feet, because he’s right. I am willing to jump out of a plane for him.
Chapter Thirteen
The rest of the week goes by pretty quickly. I ace my make-up Spanish quiz and redeem myself in the eyes of Senora Gomez. I got a C minus on my trig test, which is better than the previous ones, but according to Mr. Rollar, I need to pull all Bs and As on the rest of my tests if I want to pass the class. I assure him that I’m keeping up with my double tutoring sessions and I’ll do better on the next test. He says I have one more chance before he calls home.
The best part of the week is my new plan for fifth period. I have study hall with Mrs. Engleberg, and since she’s getting kind of old, she has a tendency to nod off. So, Toby and I meet behind the stage, which is empty that period. It’s definitely become the highlight of my day. Now that I know he’s in this for more than just making out, I’m happy to do just that every chance we get. I still haven’t agreed to go skydiving, but we both know I will. And it’s fun to make him beg.
“Say yes.” He lightly kisses my neck as I lean against the prop cabinet.
“I’m still thinking about it.”
“You are not.” He kisses my collarbone, sending goose bumps down my arms.
I raise his face. “You think you know me that well, huh?”
He nods and buries his face in my neck.
I gently push him away. “I’m so not going to explain a hickey to your sister.”
“Sorry. Got a little carried away.” He brings his lips to mine, and now it’s my turn to get carried away. I pull his hips closer, closing the space between us. My fingers inch their way up his back, my nails digging into him. I can feel his eyes on me, so I open mine. His fingers climb under my shirt and up my stomach. I close my eyes again, letting him know I’m okay with this, and I deepen the kiss.
I’m completely breathless by the time the bell rings. We don’t usually cut the entire period, so I hope Mrs. Engleberg didn’t notice I was missing. She’ll never believe I was in the bathroom all period.
“I have to go.” I bend down and pick up my bag.
“I reserved our jumps for ten o’clock tomorrow morning.” He gives me a wink and walks off the stage. I smile and shake my head. That boy is too damn cute. I wait a minute before exiting the stage, making sure enough people are between Toby and me in the halls. I’m late getting to my locker because I stop in the bathroom to apply lip gloss and fix my hair. Tori can spot signs of a make-out session from a mile away.
“Where have you been?” she asks, when I finally get to my locker.
“Bathroom.”
“You’re not going to believe this, but I just saw Toby and his lips are red and swollen. You know what that means, right?”
“He got into a fight?” Why do I bother playing dumb?
“No, he was making out with his mystery girl. That means on Monday, we have to find out where he is fifth period.”
There goes my fifth period slice of heaven each day. I shut my locker and start toward class. “Tori, this obsession is crazy. It’s like you’re stalking your brother. Think about that for a second.”
“I’m not stalking him. That would be gross. I’m trying to dig up dirt on him. Totally normal sibling stuff.”
“If you say so. Hey, did Toby say anything else about you and Ryder hanging out?”
“No. I’ve been asking him all week too. I’m starting to think he made it all up.”
“Then why don’t you call Ryder and find out?”
She stops, grabbing my arm, so I stop too. “And look totally desperate? Um, not a chance.”
“Do you want me to ask Toby for you when he tutors me tonight?”
“Yes, please!” She smiles and squeezes my arm before walking into class.
Well, at least she doesn’t have a problem with me talking to Toby about things other than trig. It’s a start.
***
Toby’s cell rings for the third time.
“You can get that if you want.”
He takes the book off his lap and grabs his phone. “No one important.”
“Is it Ryder? Tori is dying for you to set her up with him.”
“Already taken care of.” He turns toward me and cups the side of my face, leaning in for a kiss.
I kiss him quickly and pull back. “What do you mean?”
He groans. “Do we have to talk about my sister? It kind of kills the mood.”
I laugh. “Tell me what I want to know and I promise to put you back in the mood.” I lean forward and kiss his neck.
“Nope. I’m good.” He pulls me into his lap. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been dating forever. Then something happens to remind me we’re not really dating at all. He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my friend I make out with. That’s enough to kill the mood.
I push him back slightly. “Tell me. Please?”
He sighs and leans back against the headboard. “I got her a date with him tomorrow.”
“Doing what?” This must be how he’s going to get her out of the house so we can go skydiving without running into her.
“Early lunch, followed by a matinee, and then probably a lot of making out, if I know Ryder.”
“That really doesn’t bug you? I mean, he’s going to be groping your sister.”
“She’ll probably be doing most of the groping, and I choose not to think about it.” He makes a face, and his cell rings again.
“So, if that’s not Ryder, who is it?” Am I allowed to ask questions like that? I’m not his girlfriend. I don’t have any claim on him.
“You don’t want to know.”
Now I really do. “Tell me anyway.”
He turns the screen so I can see the name. Meredith. She’s calling him again.
“I thought you let her down gently.”
“Maybe too gently. She said she doesn’t believe I’m seeing someone else, and we should talk this through.”
“Talk what through?” Why won’t she just go away? Can’t she, for once, just accept she can’t always have what she wants? Of course I’m not willing to do that now either. I want Tori and Toby in my life, and I’ve been trying to convince myself that’s possible. But maybe this thing with Meredith is proof that it’s not.
“What went wrong in our relationship or something like that,” Toby says, bringing me out of my mental battle.
Their relationship? I didn’t think they ever really had one. “You two didn’t officially date, did you?”
“No. Not at all.”
I try to remember Toby really dating anyone. Holding hands in the hallway. Going to the movies with anyone. Nothing. “You’ve never had a girlfriend.”
“I don’t like titles.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I never really thought that we wouldn’t end up being girlfriend/boyfriend at some point—once Tori was okay with it.
“What’s the big deal? Two people hang out because they enjoy being together. Why label it? It just makes things messy later on.”
“You mean when they break up.”
He shrugs. “The way I see it, if you never really label the relationship, you can’t break up. You just part ways. No hard feelings.”
“Like with Meredith? Do you really think she doesn’t have hard feelings? She’s calling you and trying to work things out. She’s miserable without you.” The realization hits me like a Mack truck. “You slept with her.” I feel sick. My stomach churns, thinking about his hands on her. “You wouldn’t call her your girlfriend, but you slept with her. That’s awful. No, it’s worse than awful. It’s…I can’t even think of a word to describe it.” I scramble out of
the bed, being careful not to touch him.
“Becca.” He grabs my arm, but I yank it away.
“I can’t be with someone who uses people like that.”
“I didn’t use her. She knew she wasn’t my girlfriend, and I never made her do anything.”
“I don’t see it that way, and I don’t think Meredith does either.”
“Are you saying I pressured her into…?” He shakes his head. “You know me better than that. Please, tell me you know me better.”
“I thought I did, but I also thought you and I were doing more than just making out.” I struggle to keep my voice low so Tori doesn’t hear us.
He grabs my arms and won’t let me break free. “Becca, look at me. Look at me.”
I refuse because I know what will happen if I do. His blue eyes will win me over. I have every right to be pissed right now, and he needs to know what he did was wrong. “No. I don’t want to hear you try to talk your way out of this.”
“Let me explain, and if you still want to leave, I won’t try to stop you.” He bends his knees and lowers his head so our faces are level. “Please, Bec.”
He’s never called me “Bec” before. He’s trying to wear me down with a cute nickname, but it’s going to take a lot more than that.
“If I was only in this for something physical, I’d let you leave. I wouldn’t bother trying to explain. I’d call Meredith back.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” God, he sucks at making up.
“Yes. I’m not that guy. I told you I wasn’t. When Meredith started hanging out with me, I told her I didn’t want a girlfriend, that I’m not the relationship type. She was okay with it.”
“No, she wasn’t. She thought she could change your mind.” Toby’s right. Girls always do think they can change the guys they like. But we’re idiots for thinking it. Meredith is proof.
“I get that now, but that’s not my fault. I was upfront with her.”
Fine. Maybe he was upfront with her, but I’m still majorly hurt. “You never told me that.”
“What?” He furrows his brow, but he loosens his grip on my arms.
“That you didn’t want a relationship.”
“I know.”
Our Little Secret Page 9