Too Scared to Tell

by Cathy Glass

  ‘Luka’s ill again,’ Oskar said stoically as the cab pulled away.

  ‘I know, love. Hopefully he will be better soon.’ I took his hand.

  ‘I wish I could see him,’ he said.

  ‘It’s difficult. We’ll phone your mother as we normally do,’ I reassured him.

  ‘Can I talk to Luka?’ he asked as he got into the car, brightening at little. ‘Like I did when I lived with Mummy.’

  ‘You used to talk to Luka on the phone?’ I asked. It was the first I’d heard of it.

  ‘Yes, when Mummy phoned.’

  ‘I’ll ask Andrew.’ If what Oskar had told me was correct then it was a pity I hadn’t been made aware of it sooner, as he could have been phoning his brother all these months. I’d check with Andrew first, but I couldn’t think of any reason why the two boys shouldn’t be in contact. Indeed, children in care are generally encouraged to maintain contact with their siblings.

  Oskar was quiet on the journey home, deep in thought. I reassured him a couple of times that Luka would be better soon and we’d phone his mother tomorrow. Paula must have been looking out for us, as she was waiting in the hall when we arrived. She looked at me hopefully, aware that I was supposed to be bringing Oskar’s passport back from contact. I shook my head.

  ‘For goodness’ sake! Not again!’ she exclaimed, frustrated.

  ‘There’s still a chance. I’ll explain later,’ I said, not wanting to discuss it in front of Oskar.

  ‘Luka’s ill,’ Oskar said. ‘Mummy had to go to him.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Paula said. ‘I hope he’s better soon.’

  I waited until Oskar had gone into the living room to play and was out of earshot before I explained to Paula that Roksana had forgotten the passport but had promised to leave it with a friend she lived with, and I would collect it tomorrow. ‘I can’t take Oskar with me, so can you look after him while I go?’ I asked her. It wouldn’t be appropriate to take Oskar to his old home. Paula’s college had broken up for the summer and as one of my nominated carers she was allowed to look after the child I fostered for short periods.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ she said. ‘But what will we do if the passport isn’t with the friend?’ she asked anxiously.

  ‘Cancel the holiday, or Oskar will have to go to another carer on respite, assuming one is available at short notice.’

  I felt as bad for Paula as I did for Oskar, for she too would be disappointed at losing her holiday, as indeed I would. We all needed a break. Paula summed it up when she said, ‘All this worry could have been so easily avoided if she’d given you the passport when you first asked!’

  ‘I know, love.’

  Oskar had a restless night. He still had the occasional nightmare, but this wasn’t so much a nightmare as restlessness, where he mumbled in his sleep rather than screaming out in terror. I resettled him twice, tucking his teddy bear, Luka, in beside him, then he slept in late the following morning. Just after nine o’clock he joined Paula for breakfast while I telephoned Andrew from the living room. ‘Has Roksana been in touch about going to see Luka?’ I asked him.

  ‘No. Although she said last week he was ill. Is she planning on going to see him then?’

  ‘She’s already gone,’ I said. I then explained she’d left straight after contact and had asked me to tell him.

  ‘How long will she be gone for?’

  ‘She didn’t say exactly, only that she’d be back as soon as possible. She was very worried about Luka.’

  ‘I’ll try to phone her,’ Andrew said. ‘Also, I’ll have to let the Family Centre know and cancel contact.’

  ‘I was going to keep the phone contact going. Is that OK?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oskar has asked to talk to Luka when we phone. Apparently, he used to speak to him when he was living with his mother.’

  ‘Yes, that’s all right. Oskar talks about Luka at contact. I read it in the contact supervisor’s report.’

  ‘I see, I didn’t know. Oskar’s passport …’ I began.

  ‘Don’t tell me you still haven’t received it.’

  ‘We haven’t, and we fly in just over a week.’ Andrew sighed. ‘Roksana said she would leave it with a friend at the house so I can collect it tomorrow,’ I continued. ‘Can I check her address with you?’ I read it from the information form I’d received when Oskar had first arrived.

  ‘Yes, that’s correct,’ Andrew confirmed. ‘Let me know how you get on, although I’m not sure what I can do now.’

  ‘Not a lot,’ I said, almost resigned to not going.

  Roksana hadn’t said what time I should go to the house to collect Oskar’s passport, and I had no way of contacting Anna. I waited on tenterhooks until eleven o’clock, which seemed a reasonable time to go, and then, leaving Paula looking after Oskar, I set off. Paula knew where I was going but I told Oskar I was just popping out, although he probably guessed where from the conversation I’d had with his mother yesterday at contact. I used the satnav to find the house and parked in the road outside. It was a large three-storey Victorian townhouse, which I knew from Andrew had been converted into multiple-occupancy living. There was only one doorbell and I gave it a long, hard press. I heard it ring inside but no one answered, although music was coming from an open top window, which suggested someone was in. I pressed the bell again and a minute later a tall, heavily built man opened the door.

  ‘Sorry to disturb you. Is Anna in?’ I asked. ‘I’m Cathy Glass. Roksana told me to come.’ I had no idea if my name meant anything to him or if he knew I was fostering Oskar.

  ‘Anna not in,’ he said in broken English.

  ‘When will she be in?’

  He shrugged. ‘She work.’

  ‘When will she finish work?’

  He shrugged again. ‘Six.’

  ‘Thank you. Can you tell her Cathy Glass will come at six o’clock for Oskar’s passport?’

  He nodded, although I wondered if he would, or if he had even understood.

  Paula and I took Oskar to the park that afternoon to pass the time. He asked me when I was going to his house to collect his passport and I said six o’clock. I prepared dinner, and just before six I left Paula, Adrian and Oskar eating – Lucy was on a late shift at the nursery and would have hers when she returned – and drove to the house again. My heart was pounding as I pressed the doorbell, for realistically, if Anna didn’t have Oskar’s passport, that would be the end of our holiday. A woman opened the door. ‘Anna?’ I asked hopefully.

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’m Cathy Glass. Anna is expecting me. I’m Oskar’s foster carer. His mother has left his passport with Anna,’ I said.

  ‘Wait there,’ she said, and pushed the door slightly to.

  I waited on the doorstep for what seemed like ages. I could see a threadbare carpet in the hall and hear voices coming from inside. The door suddenly swung open and a different woman appeared. With a passport in her hand! ‘Here you are,’ she said.

  ‘Oh bless you!’ I cried, snatching it. ‘Thank you so much.’ I could have kissed her.

  She smiled. ‘You’re welcome. I hope you and Oskar have a lovely holiday.’

  ‘Thank you, we will.’

  As I walked away, I opened the passport and checked it was Oskar’s and still in date. Then I sat in the car and, before pulling away, I phoned our landline. Paula answered. ‘Got it!’ I cried. ‘We’re going on holiday!’

  ‘Whoopee!’ she yelled. ‘Oskar, we’re going on holiday!’

  I heard him say, ‘I’m so happy! Thank you, Cathy.’ A lump rose in my throat, and I knew then it had all been worthwhile.

  It was only when I pulled up outside my house that I realized we were supposed to have telephoned Roksana. It was now six-forty and we usually called her at five o’clock, which was between her work shifts. However, she wasn’t working at prese
nt so I guessed we could phone her now.

  I entered the house holding up the passport and Oskar rushed to greet me, closely followed by Paula, both smiling and looking relieved.

  ‘I knew Mummy wouldn’t forget,’ Oskar said.

  Clearly, he had more confidence in her than I did. ‘We need to phone your mother. I forgot earlier,’ I told him.

  I thanked Paula for looking after Oskar and she went up to her room while Oskar and I settled on the sofa in the living room. I engaged the speakerphone and then pressed the key for Roksana’s number.

  ‘She should still be up,’ I said. ‘They are two hours ahead. Unless she’s very tired from the flight.’

  Roksana answered her mobile after a few rings. ‘It’s Cathy. Sorry we didn’t phone earlier.’

  ‘No problem. So now you have Oskar’s passport. Anna texted and said you’d collected it.’

  ‘Yes, thank you. Also, I telephoned Andrew this morning like you asked and explained you’d had to leave in a hurry because Luka was ill.’

  ‘He left a message on my voicemail. I’ll phone him when I have a return date.’

  ‘How is Luka?’ I asked.

  ‘Out of hospital and resting in bed. My sister is so good with him.’

  ‘After Oskar has spoken to you, he’d like to speak to Luka if that is possible. He tells me they used to talk when you phoned.’

  ‘Yes. Dol and her family would like to talk to Oskar too.’

  ‘Is Dol his aunt?’ I needed to know who Oskar was talking to, as Andrew had asked me to monitor the phone contact.

  ‘Yes, my sister. Luka lives here with her and her family. They used to be very close to Oskar.’

  ‘They will need to speak in English,’ I reminded her.

  ‘I know. They understand.’

  ‘I’ll put Oskar on.’ I passed the handset to him.

  ‘How are you?’ he asked his mother.

  ‘Stressed,’ she said. ‘There are bills to pay and I’m not earning any money here.’

  ‘Thank you for leaving my passport. I can go on holiday.’

  ‘I wish I could have a holiday,’ she lamented. ‘I need one. I’ll put Luka on, but don’t tire him. He only came out of hospital this morning and is in bed.’

  There was a short silence and some muffled sounds and then an older boy’s voice came on the line. ‘Hello, Oskar.’

  ‘Hi, Luka, are you better?’

  ‘A bit, but I have to stay in bed today.’

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Watching television. Saby and Tamy are here.’ I could hear children’s voices in the background.

  ‘Who are they?’ I quietly asked Oskar.

  ‘Our cousins,’ he replied. I nodded.

  ‘Tell Saby and Tamy to say hi,’ Oskar said to Luka.

  ‘Say hi to Oskar,’ Luka repeated. There was a chorus of two young girls calling, ‘Hello, Oskar! We miss you!’

  ‘Hello!’ Oskar called back, smiling. ‘I miss you too.’

  ‘What are you doing?’ Luka asked Oskar.

  ‘Talking to you,’ Oskar joked.

  ‘No, in the day, silly. Do you go to school?’

  ‘It’s the summer holidays.’

  ‘D’oh! I forgot.’

  ‘After I’ve finished talking to you I’ll have to go to bed,’ Oskar said.

  ‘I’m already in bed, but I can get up tomorrow.’

  So the brothers’ conversation continued, light and easy. Although there wasn’t a great exchange of information as there tends to be when adults are talking, I could sense their warmth for each other. The smile on Oskar’s face emphasized the bond between them. Again, I thought it was a pity we hadn’t been phoning Luka before. Oskar seemed to be getting more out of this conversation than he ever did from those with his mother. Saby and Tamy called hi again and then one of them said, ‘Daddy is going to talk to you.’ So this would be Oskar and Luka’s uncle. He came on the phone.

  ‘Hello, Oskar,’ he said, his voice deep, with only a slight accent. ‘How are you doing?’

  ‘Good,’ Oskar replied, grinning.

  ‘Are you behaving yourself?’

  ‘Yes. Most of the time.’ He glanced at me and I smiled and nodded.

  ‘Your mother told me what happened to you. If I catch those men, I’ll tear their balls off, you can be sure of that.’

  Oskar went very quiet and I was about to intervene and say this wasn’t appropriate when his uncle added, ‘Sorry, lad, I shouldn’t have said that, but we are very angry.’ I heard a woman’s voice and then he said, ‘Your aunt wants to speak to you. Goodbye, phone us again soon.’

  ‘I will,’ Oskar said. ‘Bye, Uncle Ivan.’

  Oskar’s Aunty Dol now came on the phone with a very bright, ‘Hi, Oskar, how are you, love?’

  ‘I’m good, Aunty, thank you.’

  ‘I hear you’re going on holiday. Aren’t you lucky? Where are you going?’

  Oskar looked at me. ‘Crete,’ I prompted.

  ‘Crete,’ he said.

  ‘Wonderful. Do you know where that is?’

  ‘Near Greece,’ he said. I’d shown him on the map when I’d booked the holiday.

  ‘Yes, that’s right. It’s a really beautiful island with lots of sunshine and blue sea. Do you know how long it will take you to get there on the plane?’

  ‘About four hours,’ he said, which he also remembered from when I’d told him.

  ‘How exciting. Are you going to swim in the sea like the fishes?’

  ‘Yes,’ Oskar said, his face the picture of happiness. ‘Cathy has bought me new swimming trunks with pictures of dolphins on.’

  ‘Fantastic. I want some.’

  ‘They’re for boys!’ he laughed. ‘You can’t wear them!’

  As Oskar continued talking to his aunt, I thought what a contrast this conversation was to those he had with his mother. Despite whatever worries Dol had – and I’m sure she had plenty, caring for Luka as well as her own family – she’d put them aside to concentrate on Oskar, which is what his mother should have tried to do. Dol sounded so vibrant and full of life. It was infectious and she passed this on to Oskar, who was sitting upright, animated and smiling as he chatted, not just about the holiday but gym, Leo, school and the activities he did with us. They talked for about fifteen minutes and then Dol said, ‘I’d better go now, love. It’s past your cousins’ bedtime. Can I say a quick hello to Cathy? Is she there?’

  ‘Yes. Bye, Aunty Dol.’

  ‘Bye, Oskar. Take care. Love you.’

  ‘Love you too.’

  Oskar passed the handset to me and went off to play. I disengaged the speaker and put the phone to my ear. ‘Hello, Dol, Cathy here.’

  ‘Hello. How is Oskar really?’ she asked, her voice suddenly serious. ‘We’re all so worried about him.’

  ‘He’s doing all right now,’ I reassured her. ‘He was very quiet and withdrawn when he first arrived, but now he’s been able to tell what happened and is attending art therapy, he’s gradually recovering.’

  ‘I am so relieved to hear that. I know Roksana sees him, but it isn’t for long and whenever I ask her how he is she says OK. Have they caught the men who abused him?’

  ‘Not as far as I know.’

  ‘I hope they do soon. We were horrified when we found out what they’d been doing, and in his home! No child is safe until they’re caught.’

  I agreed.

  ‘Anyway, I’d better go. It’s Sabiny and Tamary’s bedtime,’ she said, using her daughter’s full names. ‘And Luka needs taking to the bathroom and then settling for the night.’

  ‘Doesn’t Roksana do that when she’s there?’ I asked.

  Dol gave a small laugh. ‘No, she says I’m better at it than she is. But the reason Luka prefers me to do his caring is becau
se he knows me better than her. I’ve looked after him since he was three.’

  ‘Really? I didn’t realize. That’s very good of you.’ I knew Luka was twelve now.

  ‘I like looking after him,’ Dol said. ‘Roksana gives me something for his keep, which helps towards our family budget. Ivan works hard but wages are low here. Most of Roksana’s money goes towards paying off the debt her ex-husband left her with. Poor woman. Did she tell you she lost her house because of him?’

  ‘No. She didn’t. I am sorry.’ The long hours she worked now made more sense: she was struggling to repay a debt as well as trying to cover her and her son’s current living expenses.

  We said goodbye. I was pleased Dol had asked to speak to me. It had given me a better picture of Oskar’s extended family.

  Each evening after that, in the week leading up to our holiday, when Oskar telephoned his mother he also spoke to all members of his extended family, including his cousins. It was lovely to hear. I noted that they had spoken in my log and at the end of the week – on Friday evening – before we left for our holiday in the morning, I emailed an update to Andrew. Then I packed my log book in my suitcase and for the umpteenth time checked I had our passports, tickets, boarding passes and the letter of consent from Andrew in my hand luggage. I couldn’t believe we were actually going away!

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Good and Bad News

  Our holiday was everything we’d hoped for. Endless days of warm sunshine, clear blue skies, azure sea, golden sands, delicious food and buckets of the holiday spirit that makes people smile. Having said that, taking a child on holiday is obviously different to adults going away, as children need to be supervised the whole time, and large parts of the day are built around what they want to do. But Paula and I didn’t mind. It was a delight to see Oskar so carefree and enjoying himself. Paula, away from her college work, had time to chill on a sunbed too. Not having to cook was a luxury for me. We were all-inclusive, so breakfast, lunch and dinner were provided, buffet-style, in the dining room. All we had to do was arrive and choose what we wanted to eat. There was a fantastic choice and Oskar found plenty he liked and was willing to try new foods, including the local traditional dishes, which were delicious.