Six Pack of Sleuths: Comedy Mysteries

by Barbara Silkstone

  My jaw nearly fell off. I wrapped my arms tightly around me and tried to stave off a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

  He slapped a hand on the desk again. ‘You are a drug smuggler and an animal abuser.’

  The younger policemen nodded to himself.

  ‘It couldn’t have been my sandwich that made it ill. And how does the dog know it’s Muslim?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it knows.’ He tutted again, like I should know that. ‘What about the cat?’

  ‘I definitely didn’t feed the dog a cat.’

  ‘There was a cat in your household container, along with custard creams. Not only are you smuggling drugs, you are also smuggling animals and contraband food items.’

  ‘No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. OK, I admit to having a few packets of custard creams in my container, but–’

  ‘Twenty-eight packets are not a few,’ the younger one pointed out in a gruff voice, probably trying to score brownie points with his boss.

  ‘Well, OK. Slightly more than a few. And I didn’t know the cat was in there. It was our neighbour’s cat from the UK.’

  ‘Ah ha! So you stole the cat and smuggled it!’ Captain Beaky said.

  ‘No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I–’

  Captain Beaky turned to the younger one. ‘I think we’ve got a prolific smuggler here.’

  The younger one nodded his agreement.

  ‘No, there’s been some kind of really horribly horrible misunderstanding.’ I stood up. ‘Can I go now?’

  ‘NO!’ Captain Beaky shouted.

  I sat down again.

  ‘You also match the description of someone throwing weapons at the President,’ Captain Beaky said.

  ‘What?’ I shrieked.

  He picked up a phone on the desk. ‘Bring him in,’ he whispered into it.

  A minute later, someone knocked on the door so loud that I jumped and nearly fell off the chair.

  ‘Come in,’ Captain Beaky said to the door.

  I twisted around and saw the President’s bodyguard from the festival, with a swollen, bloodshot eye, enter the room.

  Uh-oh.

  Captain Beaky pointed to me and said to the bodyguard, ‘Is this the woman who threw a weapon at you?’

  He peered at me through his good eye. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Thank you. You can go.’

  The bodyguard gave me a one-eyed death glare on his way out.

  ‘And if all that wasn’t enough, you also threatened to kill Ibrahim Kaya tonight.’ Captain Beaky glared at me.

  I gasped. ‘I didn’t.’ I shook my head so hard that I thought I could feel my brain rattling around.

  He glanced down at his file and read a handwritten note. ‘“You’re going to die. You’re going to die.”’ He looked up at me. ‘Did you say that?’

  If my hair wasn’t in a ponytail, I’m sure it would’ve actually stood on end with fright at that point. ‘Er…yes, but there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.’ A nervous giggle involuntarily escaped from my lips.

  ‘Issuing death threats, interfering with drugs dogs; smuggling drugs, smuggling animals, smuggling food, animal cruelty, disguises, attacking the President’s bodyguards and threatening his safety.’ He ticked off the list on his fingers. ‘You are a seriously deranged individual and a dangerous criminal. You will be locked up for a very, very long time.’

  ‘Deranged,’ the younger one agreed, nodding again.

  ‘But I can explain,’ I cried.

  They both leaned back in their chairs and crossed their arms, giving me a this-should-be-good expression.

  Captain Beaky raised a palm in the air, indicating that I should continue.

  I glanced around the room, ready to tell him the whole horrible story and wondering where to begin, when I noticed movement through the window in the office beyond. It was the same policeman I’d seen before. The one who was talking to Ferret Face. The one who must be involved in all of this.

  Oh, Goddy God. I couldn’t tell them now, could I? I didn’t have a clue who else in the station was involved in all of this. What if they tried to kill me to shut me up? I could be chopped up into little pieces and no one would ever know what had happened to me. No, better to keep quiet and not tell them anything. Silence trumped spilling my guts (in more ways than one).

  I clamped my mouth closed.

  ‘Well, what are you waiting for?’ Captain Beaky sat watching me, tight-lipped.

  ‘Er…well…um.’ Thoughts whirled through my head in a high-speed chase. One after the other, tumbling around. ‘Well, everyone’s going to die, aren’t they? Even you. I was just stating the obvious, really. It wasn’t a death threat at all.’ I let out another nervous laugh.

  They didn’t look particularly satisfied with that.

  ‘That’s it? That’s your explanation?’ Captain Beaky said.

  I looked at the floor, hoping something miraculous would pop into my brain. I looked at the walls, but I still couldn’t think of what to say. I looked at the desk with the file and the Turkish coffee cup.

  ‘Well, no…I…I had a vision. Yes, that’s it. I had a vision about Ibrahim Kaya, and I just wanted to tell him about it.’

  He snorted. ‘I suppose next you’ll be telling me you’re some sort of fortune teller. That you can predict the future!’

  ‘Actually, yes. I can read Turkish coffee cups. I won the UK Turkish Coffee Cup Readers’ Award last year.’

  A disbelieving look passed between the two policemen.

  ‘Have you ever heard of that?’ Captain Beaky asked the younger one.

  The younger one shook his head.

  ‘Oh, it’s huge. Lots of very well known coffee cup readers go to it.’ I gave them my best convincing smile.

  The captain turned his coffee cup upside down. ‘OK, you can read mine.’ He pushed it towards me and crossed his arms, waiting.

  I wiped my sweaty palms on my dress. OK, I could do this. I’d just copy what I’d seen Osman’s mum do. Easy peasy.

  I took hold of the cup, turned it upright again and stared into it. I couldn’t see anything. All it contained was sludgy, blackish brown coffee granules.

  ‘Well?’ Captain Beaky’s voice took on an impatient tone.

  I rotated the cup around slowly clockwise. Hang on a minute, though. I could actually see something. I brought the cup closer to my face.

  ‘Well?’ he said again, a bit more gruffly.

  ‘These things can’t be rushed, you know.’ I scrutinized it carefully.

  He sighed. ‘Enough of this nonsense.’

  I took a deep breath. ‘I can see a woman with long, curly hair. I think she’s wearing high heels. She’s got…a really big nose, like Pinocchio. I think she’s been telling a lot of lies lately. She’s got a tattoo of…ooh, what is it?’ I squinted. ‘A flower. Yes, a tattoo of a flower on her ankle. I think…’ I brought the cup closer. ‘Yes, that’s better. The tattoo is a rose. And she’s holding hands with a tall man who’s got glasses on.’

  Captain Beaky made a high-pitched sound in the back of his throat.

  I looked up. He’d gone a funny yellow colour too. Maybe he had a bit of a liver problem.

  ‘That description sounds like your wife.’ The young one elbowed him.

  ‘I knew it! I knew she was having an affair! What else?’ Captain Beaky said. ‘What else can you see? What about the man?’

  I got back to work. ‘Well, he looks quite muscly.’ I snuck a quick peek at his puny arms. ‘I can see three stars on his shoulder. And–’

  Captain Beaky leaped up, sending his chair clattering to the floor. And then the next minute, he’d run out of the interrogation room, and I saw him through the window, charging into the office next door, closely pursued by the younger one.

  I watched on, agog, as Captain Beaky grabbed hold of the policeman I’d seen talking to Ferret Face and pushed him up against the wall, shouting at him.

  Oops. What had I done now?

  The y
ounger policemen and several others tried to drag the two men apart, but Captain Beaky held his ground with a firm grasp on the other guy’s shirt collar.

  So, what should I do now? I eyed the open interrogation room doorway. Make a run for it? Wait for someone to come back?

  The decision was taken out of my hands by the arrival of Erol Hussein. He waltzed through the doorway, dressed for a night on the town. I didn’t know if this was a good or bad sign, but I suspected that it was probably the latter.

  ‘Helen, we meet again. I thought you would have left the island by now, what with Kalem no longer having a job.’ He snarled the last word at me.

  ‘You bastard! I knew that was all your doing,’ I fumed.

  He looked at me sharply, then his face erupted in a stomach-curdling grin. ‘Tut, tut, tut. I don’t think you’re in any position to be calling people names. Do you?’ He pulled the blind down on the window, picked up the chair that Captain Beaky had vacated and sat down.

  ‘Why didn’t you want to look into the plot to assassinate Ibrahim Kaya and steal the statue?’ I knew the answer to this already, of course, but I actually wanted to hear him say it.

  ‘I already told you. Because it’s not going to happen. The statue will be in a secure and alarmed casing with guards all around it. I’ve personally overseen the security arrangements. Are you doubting my professional integrity?’ He gave me a thin excuse for a smile.

  “Professional” and “integrity” weren’t exactly two words I’d use to describe Erol Hussein, but I kept my mouth shut on that point.

  ‘I also don’t believe anyone would want to assassinate Ibrahim Kaya,’ Erol said.

  ‘But I’ve found out more information now and–’

  ‘I don’t want to hear it.’ His voice rose, echoing in the sparse room.

  ‘It’s because of the money, isn’t it? You’ve kept that five hundred thousand dollars and not told anyone about it.’

  He chuckled, giving me a superior smile that didn’t reach his eyes. ‘What money?’

  So that was it. Basically, it was his admission of what I’d thought all along. He would rather keep the money than save Ibrahim Kaya’s life. I didn’t know who was worse, Ferret Face or him.

  ‘I have a proposition for you, Helen. If you stop all this nonsense about the statue and Ibrahim Kaya, and both you and Kalem leave the island tonight, then I’ll arrange to have all the charges against you dropped.’ He tilted his head, eyes narrowed to ruthless slits, waiting for an answer. ‘You are in some very serious trouble. I’m sure you recognize what a generous offer this is on my part.’

  What? Leave? How could we leave? If we left, then Ibrahim Kaya could end up sleeping with the fishes. And what about my wedding? And my wedding dress. I was supposed to be having the perfect wedding on Sunday, and if I didn’t get married in my dress with my nan’s charm, I’d be doomed to a curse of bad luck. Our wedding might be over before it began. No, of course not. We couldn’t leave yet. But then what was the alternative? I didn’t particularly fancy the idea of getting locked up with crazy women and hookers – no offense to crazy women and hookers. I’d watched a TV show once about things that happen to people in prison, and it made my eyes water, not to mention other parts. No, that wasn’t an option either. I couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t go to prison. Absolutely not.

  ‘I’m waiting,’ Erol said, more insistent this time.

  I chewed on my bottom lip. ‘Where’s Kalem?’

  His lips pursed in distaste. ‘He’s been causing a disturbance at the front desk, looking for you.’

  ‘Have you told him about your proposition?’

  ‘No, I thought you’d like to give him the good news.’

  What should I do?

  ‘I haven’t got all night.’ Erol stood up. ‘Since you can’t seem to make up your mind, I’ll arrange for the charges to be filed against you.’

  ‘No! Wait. We’ll leave. We'll leave!’

  ‘Good. I’m glad we see eye to eye on this.’

  Well, we didn’t. But he wasn’t to know that.

  ****

  I walked around the floor of our hotel room in circles like a caged animal, my heels slapping so hard against the marble that I thought my feet were getting friction burns. Kalem sat on the bed, staring at me with a clenched jaw, taking in what I’d just told him about my trip to the police station. My eyeballs darted from Kalem to Charlie to Ayshe to Atila.

  ‘Well, there’s nothing else for it,’ Charlie said, pouring out three glasses of wine and handed them out to everyone except Ayshe. ‘We’ll all just have to go back home. I’ve seen those prison films about people who smuggle drugs abroad and get caught, you know. You wouldn’t want to be stuck in some foreign prison. Don’t they cut people’s hands off and stuff?’

  ‘Not in Cyprus, they don’t,’ Ayshe said.

  ‘Well, either way, I don’t exactly want to find out.’ I glugged my drink and stopped pacing because my feet felt like they were actually on fire now.

  ‘We’ll just have to leave.’ Worry lines appeared on Kalem’s forehead. ‘I can’t risk you going to prison. No. There’s no other choice. We’ve done everything we can to try and warn people about this plot. If no one wants to listen, then it’s not our fault.’ He rubbed his forehead. ‘This is such a mess.’

  I sat down next to him and squeezed his hand. I smiled, but there was no joy in it.

  ‘This was supposed to be the start of a brand new life. And now it’s ruined,’ Kalem said, the hurt filtering through his voice. ‘We’ll have to go back to the UK and get married. And then pick up our old lives again.’

  ‘Well, look on the bright side,’ Charlie said.

  We all looked at him like he’d just morphed into an alien.

  ‘What could that possibly be?’ Atila ran a hand through his floppy hair.

  ‘Well, Helen didn’t really want to stay here, anyway,’ Charlie blurted out, then slapped a hand over his mouth.

  Kalem locked eyes with me, disappointment plastered all over his face. ‘What? I don’t understand. I thought you wanted the same things as me. I thought you wanted the simple life.’

  Oh, shit. I didn’t want to get into this now. I wasn’t sure what the hell I wanted anymore. The only thing I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to go to prison with the possibility of bits getting chopped off.

  ‘Look, Kalem, I really don’t know if I’m cut out for the simple life. I’ve been confused ever since we got here, but the most important thing at the moment is to decide what to do about this mess we’re in. We can talk about whether we’re going to stay here after that.’ I couldn’t meet his eyes, so I held my empty glass out to Charlie, who quickly refilled it. ‘And I don’t think we can leave. At least not until after the opening night tomorrow. We’ve still got to try and do something to stop Ferret Face. We can’t just give up now.’

  Ayshe gasped. ‘But what about Erol’s threats? Helen, you can’t be serious about it. You both have to leave tonight.’

  ‘Why don’t we just move out of the hotel? Kalem and I could move into your parents’ house tonight so it looks like we’ve checked out. Tomorrow we just have to try and find some way to stop Ferret Face killing Ibrahim Kaya. And then we can leave.’

  ‘I don’t like it,’ Atila said.

  ‘Me neither.’ Ayshe shook her head.

  ‘Nor me,’ Kalem said. ‘How are we going to stop him? Nothing we’ve come up with so far has worked.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I banged my glass down on the bedside table and pulled out my suitcase, flinging my few clothes in at random. ‘But we’ll have to think of something pretty quick.’

  Chapter 14

  I felt bone-numbingly tired, both physically and mentally, but I still didn’t get any sleep.

  It was after three a.m. by the time Kalem and I finished moving our belongings into his parents’ house. And talking of Yasmin and Deniz, we still had to tell them what was going on. They would freak when they heard about it. Luckily,
they were still in isolation in their bedroom feeling ill. Although it wasn’t lucky for them, of course, but you know what I mean.

  The sun oozed through the cream, muslin curtains. I could tell it was a bright, sparkly day outside of the bedroom. Birds chirped away. Cicadas buzzed their funny little electric pylon noise. It was a perfect day. For a murder.

  I shivered at the thought as I lay in Kalem’s arms on the bed, staring at the ceiling in silence.

  I yawned hard, shaking my head to clear the fuzzy fog that had set in. ‘Do you remember exactly what was in the itinerary Ferret Face had in the suitcase?’

  Kalem inhaled slowly, thinking. ‘Ibrahim Kaya is giving individual press interviews between three and five o’clock, then a press conference at five-thirty in the ballroom of the hotel before the concert starts at seven. Just before the concert on the outdoor stage, Kaya will unveil the statue to the public, which is going to be in a display case in front of the stage. Then there’ll be a Champagne toast. After the concert, there’s going to be a huge party for all the politicians, celebrities, and guests.’

  I tapped my lips, deep in thought. ‘How about we go to the press conference and pose as reporters?’

  ‘He’ll recognize you from last night, and we’ll just get thrown out. And if he doesn’t recognize you, Erol will be there, and he’ll arrest you.’

  ‘Ibrahim Kaya barely glanced at me last night before he got in the limo.’ I gnawed on a thumbnail. ‘How about we pose as staff from the hotel?’

  ‘And do what? He’s not going to listen to anything you say if you attempt to warn him. Look what happened last night. He’ll just think you’re some crazy stalker who’s out to kill him. No, there’s no point in even trying to tell him anything about the assassination plot. It would be better to just detain him somehow to stop him going to the concert in the first place.’

  ‘We’ve still got some sleeping tablets.’ I sat bolt upright. ‘Yes, we could drug him instead of Ferret Face. If he doesn’t come out to give his speech and toast before the concert, they can’t shoot him and cause a distraction. And maybe it will buy us a bit more time.’

  ‘They’re still going to recognize us. And how are we going to get close enough to drug his drink?’