Six Pack of Sleuths: Comedy Mysteries

by Barbara Silkstone

  He left me thinking about that as we walked on in silence through the vast fields, up a gentle slope, and to the foot of the mountain range. Sweat dripped between my shoulder blades and off my forehead under the scarf. I wiped it out of my eyes and focused on the mountains above, praying that Kalem was still alive.

  The dusty track narrowed considerably here, becoming a bumpy trail of mountain rubble, pine needles, and fallen dead logs.

  Kuzu sniffed the ground and looked up at Osman, her black nose twitching. Osman bent down, staring at the path for a while. ‘They went this way.’ He climbed onward.

  We walked for over two hours until we found ourselves in the dense forest. Osman stopped a few times, crouching down to the ground and examining it to be sure we were still going in the right direction. Kuzu had no such reservations as she led us onwards to a sound of contented baaing from the other sheep behind.

  Osman and Kuzu stopped abruptly.

  ‘What? What’s the matter?’

  ‘The vehicle left the track here.’ His eyes darted around, searching for something I couldn’t see.

  Kuzu smelled something, baaing like crazy, leading us to an area densely packed with fir trees.

  ‘Kuzu is on to something.’ Osman followed her.

  Through the trees, the ground suddenly dipped down into a bowl shape. There, at the bottom of the dip, covered with branches of fir and pine trees, was a black Mitsubishi pickup truck.

  ‘They have covered this up quickly, but they didn’t do a good job.’ Osman approached the truck with me close behind. He pulled the branches out of the way and peered in the windows.

  Inside was a yellow dinghy, slashed and deflated.

  Osman pulled the door open and looked inside. I stood behind him, staring at a small patch of blood on the back seat.

  ‘Oh, no! There’s more blood. It must be Kalem’s.’ I dug my nails into the palms of my hands in frustration. ‘Do you think he’s…?’ No, I still couldn’t say the word.

  Osman wrapped an arm around me, squeezing me towards him. ‘No, there’s not enough blood for that.’

  I sniffed back the tears threatening to pour out.

  ‘Let Kuzu smell the cap again,’ Osman said.

  I bent down next to Kuzu and let her go through her sniffing exercise again.

  ‘Come on. Let’s carry on.’ Osman gave my shoulder a final squeeze. ‘We have no time to waste.’

  Kuzu led us past the truck and onward, and as we climbed up a particularly steep part of track, something in the distance caught Osman’s eye. He stopped, putting a hand up to indicate I should do the same. Back straight, ears straining, he focused on the top of what Kalem had told me was Five Finger Mountain. Five jagged peaks jutted up to the Mediterranean sun, casting shadows on the slopes below.

  ‘What can you see?’ I whispered.

  He pointed to a small, dark indent in the grey rock and bushes. If you weren’t looking for it, you would probably have never noticed it.

  I strained my eyes, feeling the tension in my shoulders pulsating at the bottom of my neck.

  ‘It’s a cave. I can see something moving. Helen, if we find someone up there, I need to know if they are the same men you know. If you recognize them as the people involved, then cough once to confirm it.’

  ‘Cough once. Got it. How long will it take us to get there?’

  ‘About twenty minutes. With the rough terrain, maybe half an hour.’

  Oh, God. Another half hour? Another half hour to find out if Kalem was alive. Come on, Helen, don’t lose it now. He will be there. He’ll be OK. He just has to be.

  ****

  We approached the cave from the side. Osman’s sheep were spread out in front of us now, munching on the undergrowth. Just a couple of shepherds and their sheep. The perfect cover.

  Kuzu sniffed around with heightened excitement. Osman studied the ground, nodding to himself. I was about to crap myself.

  We were thirty metres away.

  Then twenty.

  Then ten.

  At eight metres I could clearly see the entrance to the cave. Missing Link and another skinny guy sat cross-legged in the dark outline, looking at us with watchful eyes. Maybe Skinny Guy was the driver of the getaway boat. I couldn’t see Ferret Face anywhere.

  What did that mean? Had he taken Kalem somewhere else?

  I kept my head down, pulling the scarf further over my face and looking at the ground, in case they recognized me. Bringing my fist up to my mouth, I coughed behind it.

  Osman waved his walking stick at the men in a greeting as Kuzu ran into the cave, sniffing the ground. Osman whistled for her to come back to him, which she obediently did. He handed her a treat from his pocket and patted her on the head. It must’ve been a secret signal between them, because as soon as he did that, she realized her job was done and trotted off to join her curly friends.

  ‘Merhaba,’ Osman said to them, Hello in Turkish.

  Missing Link clambered to his feet. Skinny Guy carried on sitting, watchful.

  ‘Hello.’ Missing Link gave us an uncertain wave.

  The muscles in my shoulders coiled into a thousand knots. My heartbeat thumped so hard I was sure they would be able to hear it.

  Osman stopped in front of them. ‘Nice day for walking.’ He gave them a friendly and unthreatening smile. ‘You walk much up here?’

  I bowed my head further towards the floor, so they wouldn’t be able to get a good look at me. The only problem was that it meant I wasn’t able to get a good look in the dark cave beyond them. We were three metres away from them. Was Kalem in there?

  ‘Yes. It’s good for hiking.’ Missing Link visibly relaxed at the sight of an old shepherd and his wife. ‘Nice views up here.’

  Osman casually leaned on his walking stick. ‘I’ve been walking these mountains with my sheep since I was a young boy. You can’t get a better view than this.’ He grinned at them. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve seen any goats around here, have you? I’ve lost some.’

  ‘No. No goats.’ Skinny Guy stood, dusting off his jeans.

  I inched my face upwards slightly, trying to get a better view in the cave. In the darkness, I could make out another shape, sitting at the back, knees bent, hand outstretched to the side, behind a rock. Could it be Kalem? I narrowed my eyes slightly, trying to get a better focus. No. It was a bald man, clean-shaven. Where was Ferret Face? Hang on, though. There was something familiar about the bald man. A pointy nose and chin, beady eyes – yes, I was sure that it was Ferret Face. He’d just shaved his hair and beard off. But where was Kalem? It seemed like Kuzu had smelled him inside the cave, otherwise why would she have gone sniffing towards it? The only question was – was he alive?

  All the moisture drained from my mouth, and my tongue felt swollen so much that I was having trouble swallowing.

  Osman tutted with disappointment. ‘Damn Goats. You can never tell where they will end up. How about a dog? A black and white one. Have you seen it? He was herding the goats, and he ran off.’

  Shards of pain stabbed inside my chest.

  They had guns and they weren’t afraid to use them. How could we get past them and inside the cave? We couldn’t exactly storm the cave, swinging a few sheep around by their tails as a distraction, and hope for the best. We were going to be slaughtered.

  Osman looked calm and relaxed. He pushed his weight off the walking stick, so he was holding it at his side, elbows tucked in.

  ‘Haven’t seen a dog either,’ Missing Link said. ‘Maybe it’s on the other side of the mountain.’

  I heard a quiet moaning noise from somewhere in the cave, and Ferret Face, distracted by the sound, turned his head to the side, looking at something I couldn’t see from where I was standing.

  And before Ferret Face could turn his head back to us, Osman had the stick in both hands, swinging it through the air with lightning speed, catching Missing Link on the temple with a loud crack. Then he swung the stick through the air towards Skinny Guy’s nuts. It al
l happened so fast, the stick was a blur before my eyes.

  Missing Link’s eyes rolled back in his head. He collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

  Skinny Guy dropped to his knees, moaning in pain and clutching his nuts.

  Ferret Face, at the back of the cave, grabbed a gun from behind the rock and tried to lift his hand up and point it at us. But before he had the chance, Osman had reached into the waistband of his trousers, pulled out a knife and had thrown it at Ferret Face.

  The knife sliced through the air and into his throat.

  His eyes popped open. His gun clattered to the floor. His head slumped backwards against the cave wall. I heard gurgling sounds, like he was struggling for breath.

  Osman struck Skinny Guy on the head with the stick.

  Skinny Guy collapsed, face first, onto the ground, out for the count.

  I heard more moaning from further inside the cave. Kalem! It must be Kalem. I ran towards the back of the cave. There was a smaller, darker cave leading off to the side of it. I could just about make Kalem out in the dim light.

  As I was darting past Ferret Face, his arm reached out and grabbed my right leg, gripping it hard. His eyes were wide and manic, louder gurgling sounds coming from where the knife was lodged in his throat.

  I tugged my leg away. He gripped it tighter.

  ‘Agh!’ I screamed and grabbed Ferret Face’s gun from the floor near my left foot. ‘Agh!’ I slammed the butt of the gun against the top of his head with all the force I could muster.

  The gun discharged, sending a shot ricocheting off the cave wall at the side and into the blackness beyond.

  ‘Mmm!’ Kalem yelled a muffled sound.

  Ferret Face’s head slumped onto his chest and then lay still, eyes wide open and lifeless.

  I dropped the gun. It clattered to the floor.

  I sprinted towards Kalem, who was lying on the floor with his head propped against the back of the smaller cave, hands and ankles tied up with rope, his mouth gagged with a rag.

  ‘You’re alive!’ I threw myself on top of him, vaguely aware of the tears streaming down my face.

  I untied the gag and smothered him in kisses. His eyebrows, his nose, his lips, his forehead.

  ‘You’re alive! You’re alive!’ I drew back, clutching his face in my hands.

  ‘Are you OK?’ I stared in horror at the bloody cut over his left eye that had turned a blackish blue shade, a swollen, cut lip, and a big, bloody bump on the top of his head.

  ‘Now I know why I love you.’ He smiled up at me. ‘Only you could shoot me in the foot.’

  ‘Agh! I shot you in the foot?’ I fell off him and fumbled to undo his laces.

  I heaved off his boots and examined his feet, expecting blood and gory feet parts.

  ‘Huh? I didn’t shoot you. There’s no blood.’

  Kalem struggled to sit up.

  Then I inspected the heel of his right Timberland boot. A bullet hole had gone all the way through it and out the other side, narrowly missing the bottom of his foot.

  I cried. And then I laughed. And then I cried with laughter. I think I must’ve been a bit hysterical at that point, because I suddenly couldn’t stop shaking, and an icy chill smothered me. ‘Oh, my God! I just killed Ferret Face!’ A churning, nauseous feeling erupted in my stomach at the very idea of it. OK, so it was an instinctive thing. He’d been grabbing hold of me at the time, and I’d been trying desperately to get away. It was a flight or fight response. It was also a matter of life or death, so I didn’t exactly feel guilty about it. More sort of skin-crawly uncomfortable with myself and in deep shock. It was the shock of everything, to be honest. The shock of all that we’d been through in the last six days. And the worst shock of all had been the possibility of losing Kalem.

  Kalem lifted his arms, tied at the wrists, and slid them over my head, holding me tight in his protective embrace and kissing my hair.

  ‘You didn’t kill him, Helen.’ Osman gave me a kind smile. ‘He was dying anyway. No one could’ve survived that knife wound.’

  ‘Yes, you just did what you had to. It was either him or you. I’m glad it was you,’ Kalem whispered into my hair.

  I took some deep breaths, willing the shaking to stop, vaguely aware of Osman’s voice talking on the radio.

  ‘This will be something to tell the children one day,’ Kalem said, trying to lighten the situation.

  When my shaking had finally subsided into small tremors, I looked up at Osman, who had the gun trained on the unconscious Missing Link and Skinny Guy with a steady arm. ‘Police are on their way. Helen, use this knife to untie Kalem.’ He pulled out another knife from his waistband and held it out to me.

  ‘I’d rather you did it, Osman. She’s just shot me. There’s no telling what she might do to me with a knife.’ Kalem grinned at me.

  ‘Thank you, Osman.’ I took the knife and attacked the ropes with shaky hands. ‘What did Ali say on the radio?’

  ‘He wasn’t happy that I took matters into my own hands.’ Osman shrugged. ‘But I had to seize the opportunity and take them by surprise. Anything could’ve happened if I hadn’t.’

  ‘I love you, Osman.’ I beamed back at him.

  Osman blushed right down to the tips of his moustache.

  ‘I don’t know how to thank you, Osman.’ Kalem smiled at him.

  ‘You just marry this crazy woman tomorrow. That will be enough to make me happy.’

  Kalem rubbed at his wrists and stood up. He walked over to where Ferret face lay and crouched down at the rock where Ferret Face originally been hiding his hand from our view. Slowly, Kalem reached behind the rock. I stood next to him as he picked up the Queen Cleopatra sculpture, staring at it in wonder. ‘Wow! I can’t believe I’m actually holding it in my hands.’ He moved it around, studying it from different angles. ‘It’s fantastic.’

  The sunlight streaming into the cave seemed to hit the gold sculpture at an angle, illuminating the whole cave and giving it an ethereal glow.

  ‘Amazing, isn’t it?’ Kalem had an awe-struck grin on his face. ‘Do you want to hold it?’ he said to me.

  Er…no. Not in this lifetime. She was the reason we’d got into this mess in the first place. ‘Not a chance!’

  Chapter 21

  One trip to the emergency room and four stitches later, Kalem’s face looked bruised and puffy, but a lot better than it had in the cave. Not ideal for the wedding piccies, really, but considering the freakishly surreal experience we’d been through, it was the least of my worries. Tonight was a family celebration. We were alive. I had Kalem back. We’d saved the statue. And hopefully Ibrahim Kaya would still be alive to tell the tale. I felt pretty damn good.

  As the fiery Mediterranean sun set over the sea, and the Champagne flowed, we all drank a toast on the terrace of Deniz and Yasmin’s house.

  ‘Wow! What a week.’ Deniz clinked glasses with us all. ‘No whisky for five days. It has to be a record.’ A wicked gleam twinkled in his eye.

  Yasmin rolled her eyes at him. ‘You idiotic little man. Helen and Kalem could’ve been killed, and you’re talking about whisky! Be serious for a change.’ She slapped him on the back of his head.

  Deniz grabbed Kalem in a bear hug. ‘I’m proud of you, Son.’ Then he grabbed me. ‘You too. I couldn’t wish for a better daughter-in-law. Even if you are a clumsy nightmare.’

  Yasmin slapped him again.

  Bless him, he meant well, even if it didn’t always come out quite right.

  ‘OK, OK.’ Deniz held up his hands in mock surrender. ‘Why didn’t you tell us what was going on? We could’ve helped.’

  ‘You were ill, and we didn’t want to give you a heart attack,’ I said.

  ‘Plenty of life left in this old man yet.’ He winked at Yasmin. ‘Eh?’

  Yasmin blushed.

  ‘What about me?’ Charlie raised his hand in the air, waving it around. ‘I could’ve been killed too.’

  ‘Come here. I’ll give you a hug too, you big girl�
�s blouse.’ Deniz gave Charlie a bear hug, crushing him.

  ‘Ooh.’ Charlie broke free. ‘So, tell us all. What happened after the police got the bad guys?’

  ‘Well, the police superintendant finally admitted to being involved,’ Kalem said. ‘Jacob Podsheister caved in during an interview, giving them details of how he masterminded the whole thing. Apparently, he blamed Ibrahim Kaya for his business downfall and wanted him dead. He thought with Kaya out of the way, he’d be able to take over Kaya’s hotels and get back his old lifestyle.’

  ‘Well, that’s fantastic news then,’ Atila chimed in.

  ‘Ferret Face was apparently wanted in about five different countries in connection with other crimes,’ Kalem went on.

  ‘And Missing Link is wanted from the London Zoo where he escaped from the gorilla enclosure,’ I said.

  Charlie’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Really?’

  I chuckled. ‘No.’

  ‘And what about the other man with them?’ Atila asked. ‘That skinny one.’

  ‘He was the one driving the getaway boat,’ Kalem said. ‘When I saw Missing Link stealing the statue, I didn’t think about anything. I just ran after him. He grabbed it, ran to the port jetty behind the stage, and jumped onto their waiting speedboat that Ferret Face had moored there before the opening night. I ran down the jetty after him and managed to jump in as the boat was leaving. We had a bit of a tussle, and next thing I knew I was out for the count. I assume he hit me over the head a few times with the barrel of his gun.’ He felt the back of his head, rubbing at the bump.

  ‘Ooh, you’re so brave,’ Charlie said. ‘Then what?’

  ‘I must’ve been unconscious for a while, because when I woke up, my hands and arms had been tied up, and they were hauling me into a dingy that Ferret Face had brought to the beach on the roof of a truck. They sank the speedboat off shore so it would look like they’d fled the country on it. When we landed on the beach in the dinghy, I was semi-conscious, and they dragged me into their waiting truck. I guess my mobile phone must’ve fallen out of my pocket then.’

  ‘You’re so lucky to be alive. They could’ve just killed you there and then,’ Ayshe said.