Glasgow Fairytale

by Alastair D. McIver

  ‘Well,’ said King, ‘I’ll give any price they ask for their wee stick hoose, then knock it doon, and dig. Simple.’

  ‘I told you,’ the mirror explained patiently, ‘Money willnae dae it. Pigs are notorious for being stubborn, and they’ll no be shifted except by force.’

  King’s features darkened. ‘Then by God, I’ll shift them by force!’

  ‘Excellent choice, Mr King,’ said the mirror. ‘I’m happy to recommend the services of a young entrepreneur known locally as the Big, Bad Wolf.’

  Jack had been spending a lot of time at Jill’s flat since her break-up with King. He felt he should cheer her up with pizza and Scrabble, and make sure she was alright. That’s what brothers were for, after all.

  One fateful Scrabble-and-pizza night was interrupted by a knock at the door.

  ‘I’ll get it,’ said Jill, and found herself face-to-face with a frantic Ella.

  ‘H-hi, I’m, I’m really sorry to … you probably don’t even know … I only met ye the once, but ye seemed so, like … approachable, and I don’t know who else to turn to, and I figured you’d maybe know him. He wanted me to kill this guy! I … my maw … he … promised me Harry and … I had a knife and …’ she broke down.

  ‘Come on in,’ said Jill, wrapping a comforting arm around her. She didn’t understand much of what the girl had said, but she clearly needed help.

  ‘This is my brother, Jack.’

  ‘Hi,’ said Jack.

  ‘I feel so embarrassed coming here,’ said Ella, ‘and I know ye’re gonnae think I’m a pure psycho or that, but I just didnae know anywhere else I could turn.’ She laughed. ‘You probably don’t even know who I am, do you?’

  ‘Of course I do!’ Jill told her kindly. ‘You’re the work experience lass who found my Partick Thistle mug when I lost it in Reggie’s office and brought it back to me. That mug means a lot to me, so I’d never forget you!’

  ‘Aye, I remember that,’ said Ella. ‘You were so nice to me.’

  ‘She’s nice to everyone,’ said Jack. ‘Just a great big ball of nice.’

  ‘So, you’re a Thistle fan, then?’ asked Ella, glad of a change of subject.

  ‘Aye, she is, but I try and treat her like she was normal,’ said Jack.

  Jill chuckled. ‘This yin and Maw are Rangers daft, but I cannae be doing wi’ all the sectarian rubbish that goes wi’ Celtic and Rangers, so I switched to Partick when I was about fifteen.’

  The three of them talked about football for a while, as Ella became gradually calmer.

  ‘You didnae come here to talk football, though, did you?’ said Jill. Ella swallowed hard. ‘Could we … talk privately?’

  ‘Aye. Come on oot to the balcony.’

  They were twenty floors up, and the view Jill’s modest balcony presented of the city was quite magnificent. Surrounded on all sides by majestic hills, Glasgow’s gargantuan bodyguards, the city spread out before them was arranged in curves, never a straight line. Where the amber sunlight hit the mists rising off the River Clyde, a watercolour collage was created that one never finds anywhere else: the colour of Glasgow.

  Ella told Jill about her foster family. ‘That’s why when Mr King told me he was in care, I felt … I dunno … kinda connected or that.’

  Jill chuckled. ‘He tellt you he was in care?’

  ‘Wasn’t he?’

  Jill shook her head. ‘By his standards, he had a perfect upbringing: raised in the palm of his middle-class parents’ hands, wanting for nothing. Part of his problem is he’s never learned to deal wi’ no getting what he wants.’

  ‘It’s hard for me to tell you all of this, because you’re his ex-girlfriend and you’ll never believe me. You’ll think I’m a pure nutter or that.’

  Jill squeezed her shoulder. ‘You’d be surprised what I’ll believe,’ then she listened intently while Ella told the story.

  ‘He seemed so nice,’ whispered Ella, finally.

  ‘People who want to hurt you often do.’

  ‘I was gonnae dae it! It sounds mad, but I was actually gonnae dae like he said!’

  ‘Och, don’t you dwell on that,’ said Jill. ‘You’re a good person, and you’ve done nothing wrang. You didnae hurt anyone. You came to me instead, and that was the right thing to dae. We don’t get judged for what we were gonnae dae, you know.’

  Ella nodded. ‘Thanks. Another thing … he said Snowy is evil or something … what’s that all aboot?’

  Jill shook her head. ‘That’s not it. By all accounts, Reggie doesnae have a lot against evil. Tell me, you saw a photie o’ Snowy … would you say he’s attractive?’

  ‘Oh, yes!’

  ‘More attractive than Reggie?’

  Ella bounced her head from side to side, mentally comparing the two faces. ‘Aye. Aye, it’s a close thing, but … aye, Snowy’s better looking.’

  ‘That’ll be it, then.’

  ‘What? He wants to kill Snowy for being better looking? That’s like the stupidest motive ever!’

  ‘To you and me, aye, but to somebody like Reg, who’s always had everything his ain way, and who can’t bear the thought of no being the bonniest man in Glesga …’

  They stood in silence for a while. Jill leaned over the railing and stretched her hand over in front of her, as though she could grab the whole city in one hand.

  ‘There’s a lot more going on here than you realise, Ella. You’ve tellt me your secrets, so I’ll tell you mine.’

  There was a long pause. ‘I’m listening,’ said Ella, gently.

  ‘It’s a hard thing to say out loud …’ She spun to look Ella in the eye. ‘I’m a witch.’

  Ella didn’t flinch. ‘Ye mean, like, ye believe in magic and that?’

  ‘I don’t just believe in it. I see it. I feel it. I use it. And this city is full of it.

  ‘There’s two Glasgows, Ella. There’s the wan ye walk through every day and never really think aboot; where ye live, work, go clubbing, take abuse fae bus drivers and laugh at drunk people.

  ‘Then there’s the other Glasgow, which lives in a’ the wee alleyways that don’t seem to go anywhere; a’ the amazing architecture folk never see because they’ll no look up; a’ the treasures this city likes to hide in plain sight, like Otago Lane, or the market off Byres Road, or Crookston Castle. Most folk will only ever see the Magical Glasgow oot the corner of their eye, and forget aboot it right away.

  ‘Me, I live in that other Glasgow, where anything’s possible. Look!’ she threw her arms wide, taking in the whole glory of the city. ‘How can anyone look at that and no see magic?’

  ‘Aye,’ said Ella, smiling softly.

  ‘When you can see the magic in this city, nothing is as simple as it appears,’ Jill explained. ‘Reggie possesses a mirror; a magical mirror, which talks to him.’

  ‘I believe you,’ said Ella.

  Jill smiled. ‘Aye. That’s the advantage of meeting other folk who know that extraordinary things happen in the ordinary world!

  ‘This mirror … it, or the demon inside it, or whatever is at work here … it’s got some very powerful dark magic inside it. And whatever it’s been saying to Reggie seems to be having an effect.’

  ‘So it’s no really his fault?’

  ‘Oh, he’s responsible as much as the mirror is. He still has free will, and he still knows right fae wrang. You’ve got to be running pretty low on morals afore you’ll let a mirror talk you into murder. But it … has influence.’

  They stared out at the now sunset-silhouetted city. It was getting late, and there was a bit of a chill in the breeze.

  ‘This is all my fault,’ whispered Jill, leaning over the balcony and spilling tears all the way down to the street below.

  ‘How can it be your fault?’ said Ella.

  ‘Because I gave it to him.’

  Ella hadn’t expected to be the one comforting Jill and didn’t really know what to say. ‘You werenae to know,’ Ella said.

  ‘Oh, but I should have! You can’
t put dark magic that powerful into the hands of someone like him. But … well, it wasnae a gift given out of kindness…’

  ‘How’d you mean?’

  Jill drew a deep breath and crossed her arms: this was clearly not a subject she was eager to discuss. ‘The mirror said things … horrible things. How I was fat and ugly and no one would want me. How Reggie only went out with me because he felt sorry for me. How I was worthless and I’d be better off dead. The mirror … it has some kind of magic that can get right inside your head. I … ended up trying to kill myself.

  ‘Once I’d recovered, I kept away from the mirror for a while. I was starting to calm doon and see sense a bit … I realised what it was doing to me. Now, I’ve never thought much of the way I look, which I thought was why the mirror was so dangerous for me. I figured for someone like King, who pure fancied himself, it might just teach him some humility. So I gave it to him.’

  ‘But it didnae work…’

  Jill shook her head. ‘I was naive and had nae clue how dark magic really works. How I think it works is … I think whatever your biggest failing is, your biggest flaw, it’ll exaggerate it a hundred times, and start finding ways to use it against you.’

  ‘So wi’you it was, like, your low self-image and that. Wi’ Mr King, it’s his vanity.’

  ‘Aye. Something like that. So you see that it’s really quite important to me that nae harm comes to anyone on account of that mirror.’

  ‘Aye,’ said Ella, softly.

  ‘Listen, I’ll keep this between us if that’s what ye want … but I’d like to talk it over wi’ my brother Jack. He’s aye there for me, whatever I’m going through, and if ye trust me ye can trust him.’

  ‘Aye, okay,’ said Ella.

  ‘Then let’s take this conversation into the living room. It’s freezing oot here!’

  * * *

  ‘I’m gonnae go roond to his bit right now to put his heid in for him!’ Jack exclaimed, on learning of King’s villainy.

  ‘Glad I didnae gie the mirror to you,’ Jill muttered under her breath. ‘Look,’ she said aloud, ‘let’s just stop and think aboot this, eh?’

  ‘There’s a time for stopping and thinking,’ insisted Jack, ‘and there’s a time for dishing oot severe doings!’

  ‘Right,’ Jill sighed. ‘We’ll have nae mair “severe doings” talk, okay? ’Cause it’ll no dae anyone any good. Now, I’ve got an idea how to handle this, but it’ll no be easy.’

  Jack and Ella leaned in closer, listening intently.

  ‘I know a place we can send Snowy where he’ll be safe. We just need to stall Reggie long enough to get him there.’

  ‘How?’ said Ella.

  ‘I need you to be really brave, here. I have a friend, works as a stock assistant at a butcher; always winding me up aboot being vegetarian. He works night shift, we should be able to catch him fairly soon. We’ll ask him for the heart of a cow.’

  Ella went pale. ‘I’m gonnae be sick.’

  Jill sat next to her and rubbed her back. ‘I know it’s really horrid to think about.’

  Jack brought a bucket, but Ella didn’t need it.

  ‘After you’ve done that, I’m guessing Reggie’s no gonnae be pleased when he finds oot, so you need to stay safe just in case. Get a taxi to and from school. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it. Don’t go anywhere except school unless it’s here, or I know exactly where you are. Don’t leave school grounds – school dinners for you, I’m afraid. Make sure yer mobile’s charged at all times, so’s ye can phone me if there’s any trouble.’

  Ella nodded slowly, shaking all over.

  ‘That’s a lot to ask of a sixteen-year-old,’ Jack piped in. ‘Giving up her social life, eating school dinners, living in fear. Why don’t I just nip roond to King’s bit with a baseball bat and ask him to desist?’

  Jill sighed loudly and massaged her temples. ‘Jack, I’m gonnae say something you’ll hate me for saying, and I’ve been trying no to say it, but you’re determined to make me say it…’

  ‘What’s that then?’

  ‘Reggie can take you.’

  Jack snorted. ‘That big Jessie?’

  ‘That “Big Jessie,”’ said Jill, ‘works out more than you fart. You go after him with a baseball bat, he will put you in hospital, and the papers will be full of “HAVE-A-GO HERO KING TACKLES PSYCHO INTRUDER.” Then he will put you in jail, and the papers will be full of how yer sentence isnae long enough. And because I’m your sister and his ex, they’ll be forever hounding me, and I can dae withoot that. So gie it a rest wi’ this baseball bat rubbish, okay?’

  Jack folded his arms and said nothing.

  Jill squeezed Ella’s shoulder. ‘I wish there was a better way of doing this. And if you walk away, you’ll probably stay oot o’ harm’s way, but it’s touch-and-go whether I can save Snowy.’ She looked deep into Ella’s eyes. ‘Look, it’s no fair me asking you to do this. You didnae ask to get involved in any o’ this. So if you want to go hame and forget it, I don’t blame you.’

  Ella smiled and shrugged. ‘It’s no every day ye get the chance to be a hero, is it?’

  A knock at the door of King’s luxury West End apartment interrupted his press-ups.

  He opened it to the trembling form of Ella. Her face was pale and her eyes were red.

  ‘Ella, my dear,’ said King, smiling pleasantly. ‘Please come in.’

  ‘I-I cannae stay long,’ whispered Ella. She was shaking violently. ‘I did what ye asked.’ She handed him a tin box.

  King opened it and closed it almost at once, trying not to let Ella see that his stomach was turned by what he saw.

  ‘Your courage is extraordinary.’ He hugged her tightly, whilst trying not to let her bloodstained hands touch him. ‘Can I give ye a lift anywhere?’

  ‘No, I’ll make my own way thanks,’ said Ella.

  ‘Ye sure?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘Can I no get ye a drink or anything?’

  ‘No, I need to go,’ said Ella. ‘But … all that stuff ye promised …’

  ‘Good as done, darling. Good as done!’

  Ella gave a tiny smile, then turned away and left.

  King closed the door after her, saying, ‘The cold-blooded little witch actually did it. I like her.’ He addressed the tin. ‘Alas, poor Snowy. I am sorry it had to be this way, but there can only be wan bonniest man in Glesga, and it’s no gonnae be some jumped-up, white-haired teuchter.’

  He stuck the tin in the fridge and went back to his push-ups.

  A knock at the door of Snowy’s poky wee flat in Partick interrupted his comic book-reading.

  He opened it to be confronted by a vision of loveliness unlike anything he had ever seen before; a full-bodied woman with hair so soft a man could never get tired stroking it, chocolate-coloured eyes that spoke of intelligence and genuine, limitless warmth, and a smooth-skinned, chubby face, full of the sort of lines you only get from smiling.

  There was no smile on that beautiful face now, though. Only worry.

  ‘Snowy White?’ said Jill.

  ‘Yes,’ said Snowy. ‘How did you … ?’

  ‘You’re in very grave danger. You know Reggie King, from the telly?’

  ‘Aye, whatever you might have heard, we do have tellies in the Highlands.’

  ‘He wants to kill you.’

  ‘What?’

  Jill explained the situation as briefly as she could and ushered him into a taxi.

  He wanted to complain. He wanted to resist. But how could he argue with so lovely a lassie?

  Besides, his gut was telling him that her words were true, and Snowy White trusted his gut implicitly.

  So in the space of a few crazy minutes, his life was changed forever.

  Later that evening, a second knock at King’s door interrupted his exercises.

  ‘What now?’ he grumbled and answered the door. ‘Jill. What a lovely surprise.’

  ‘I want my mirror back,’ said Jill.

  ‘Mirror?
What mirr – oh, that mirror. Jill, I don’t want to get into a fight wi’ ye, but I really do think ye’ve got a bit of a cheek, after you destroyed so much of my property; stuff that was actually mine. You’re lucky I didnae phone the polis on ye.’

  Jill swallowed hard. ‘I’m sorry aboot that. I was angry. I’ll pay ye back for any damages.’

  ‘Jill, the only reason you can afford to pay me back is because ye flogged all the shiny beads I ever gave ye. Which would’ve come to a fair wee dollop o’ cash, by the way: I was good to you. Secondly, dae I look like I’m short of a bob or two? But ye cannae have the mirror back. It’s irreplaceable.’

  ‘Reggie, please,’ pleaded Jill. ‘Can you no see what that thing’s turning you into?’

  ‘I’ll tell you what I see, my dear Jillipoos,’ said King, trying to cup her face in his hands. She backed off. ‘I see a silly lassie whose boyfriend broke up wi’ her, and who cannae cope wi’ the fact that it’s over.’

  ‘Don’t call me that stupid pet name!’ she hissed. ‘I’ve always hated that! And just to remind you … I broke up wi’ you.’

  ‘Read the newspapers,’ said King, ‘if ye cannae mind who dumped who.’

  ‘Who dumped whom,’ she corrected him viciously. ‘I don’t need the papers to tell me. I was there!’

  ‘Aye, but you’re no thinking straight. Seriously, Jill … look at you. And look at me. Then ask yersel’ who lost mair when it ended.’

  Jill delivered him a hefty boot between the legs, causing him to collapse in a heap. ‘I’ll get that mirror off you, wan way or another.’

  ‘I’m warning you, Jill!’ King growled from the floor. ‘If I have to get a restraining order oot against you, every journalist on my mobile gets to know aboot it! Your life willnae be worth living! Don’t you mess wi’ the King!’

  ‘I tellt ye!’ insisted Peter Pig. ‘Did I no tell ye? It’s a stick hoose ye want to build for comfort and security. But no … you said straw would dae ye just fine.’

  ‘Aye, alright, Peter,’ said Percy. ‘You don’t have to keep going on aboot it.’

  ‘I know I don’t have to,’ said Peter. ‘I just like it. You’re a pure dafty, by the way.’