Glasgow Fairytale

by Alastair D. McIver

  ‘That’s your way,’ grumbled Jack. ‘Nae offence, but your way’s got “too little, too late” written all over it.’

  ‘You don’t need to be an action hero to prove you love her, Jack.’

  Jack laughed out loud. ‘Is that what you think? That this is aboot me?’

  ‘I think there’s a bit of a daydreamer in you, Jack, and I think there’s a better way to go about this.’

  ‘I cannae leave her to her fate, Jill. But we won’t be on the run forever. All I need to do is keep her oot harm’s way until her lawyer gets back. She’s got a really good case, if it ever gets heard.’

  ‘Tell me what your brilliant plan is,’ said Jill, resigning herself to hearing him out. ‘At least I might be able to … improve it a little.’

  ‘You’ll try and talk me out of it,’ Jack informed her huffily, crossing his arms.

  ‘Probably,’ said Jill. ‘But if you’re that determined, I’ll never be able to, so why are you feart?’

  Jack shrugged.

  ‘Okay, Punzy is here …’ He picked up a picture of Dungavel (which looked a lot like a fairytale castle, with towers and turrets) and drew a circle round an upstairs window. ‘The first thing I need to do is blow a hole in the fence.’

  ‘Blow a hole in it?’

  ‘Aye, blow a hole in it. Hear me out.’

  ‘Wi’, like, explosives and that?’

  ‘Aye!’

  Jill rolled her eyes. ‘Jack, that can’t possibly work.’

  ‘Ye said ye’d hear me out,’ said Jack.

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘The explosion is just a distraction, see? It’ll happen at the other side of the building. Then I fly in from a nearby tree wi’ a hang-glider …’

  ‘A hang-glider?’

  ‘Aye! A hang-glider! That’s you interrupting again.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Then I throw a wee stone at her windae, and I call, quietly but urgently, “Haw! Punzy! Chuck us yer hair!” That’s the brilliant part. See, her hair’s that long it would easily stretch fae that windae to the ground when she lets it doon. Then I just climb up her hair and run off wi’ her.’

  Jill was speechless.

  Jack crossed his arms, looking slightly hurt. ‘You don’t like it, do you?’

  ‘I think it’s very, um … creative.’

  Jack snorted.

  ‘If you don’t mind a wee bit of constructive criticism …’

  ‘Go on?’

  Jill sighed. ‘Okay, in the first place, once you bring explosives into this, you cross the line between a wee crime and a big crime. Don’t be so stupid.’

  ‘That’s constructive?’

  ‘In the second place, where are you getting these explosives?’

  Jack shifted uncomfortably. The thoughts he was expressing sounded a lot better in his head. He was beginning to realise that when he spoke them aloud, they became a bit silly. ‘Well … I read in the paper that there’s army bases all over Scotland where they try oot bombs and that …’

  ‘Jack, has it occurred to you that it’s a lot easier to break a detainee oot o’ Dungavel than it is to steal weapons from the military?’

  ‘Aha!’ said Jack, jabbing a finger at her in triumph. ‘Then you admit it’s possible!’

  Jill rubbed the bridge of her nose. ‘Okay, I think this is stupidity limitation. Suppose, just suppose, I agreed to help you get together a slightly less hare-brained scheme … would you agree to leave bombs and hang-gliders out of it?’

  ‘Oh!’ cried Jack, leaping to his feet and pacing like a caged panther. ‘Oh, I’ve got it! New plan! Right, this one’s a beauty.’

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘Right, instead of using bombs … I’ll set fire to the place!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘They’ll evacuate and gather at their fire assembly point … and then all I have to do is bungee jump out of a nearby tree, grab Punzy just before I go BOING! And we’re away!’

  Jill stared at him incredulously. ‘I seriously think you’ve lost the ability to think like an adult.’

  ‘Well,’ said Jack, with a nasty sneer, still pacing. ‘Pardon me if I’m no thinking quite as clearly as Little Miss I’m-So-Much-More-Intelligent-And-Mature-Than-My-Stupid-Baby-Brother-Except-When-I’m-Defenestrating-My-Ex-Boyfriend’s-Stuff …’ he needed a deep breath to continue after that mouthful. ‘It’s only because the woman I love has been abducted and locked up, and I’m worried that if she gets deported she’s gonnae get killed.’

  Jill knew her brother well enough to know what was coming next. ‘Please don’t punch the wall …’

  Jack punched the wall. Then sat down, trying to nurse his knuckles whilst not letting on it hurt.

  ‘I shouldnae have flung Reggie’s stuff oot,’ said Jill. ‘You were right to try and stop me. So I know that being upset makes you dae stupid things that you’ll regret later. Can you wiggle your fingers?’

  Jack satisfied her that he hadn’t broken any bones.

  ‘Do you want some ice?’

  ‘Naw. It’s kinda nice to hurt on the outside.’

  Jill gave him a small smile. ‘Look, do you want to hear my plan?’

  ‘Go on then.’

  ‘Bear in mind, I’d really rather you didnae follow through with this at all, but if you insist, I’d rather you did it … well, a wee bit sanely.’

  ‘Aye,’ said Jack. ‘Go on.’

  She clapped him on the knee and twitched her nose at him. ‘Just this once, I’m gonnae let you use something from my Special Cupboard.’

  ‘Now we’re talking,’ said Jack.

  Jill left the living room and returned presently with something in her hands. Jack strained his neck trying to peek.

  Jill sat down next to him and revealed a small snow globe with an old-fashioned clock in the middle.

  ‘See this?’ she said. ‘This is the most powerful magical object in my collection. In fact, it might just be one of the most powerful magical objects in the world. There’s only one of these and you can only ever use it the once.’

  ‘What’s it do?’ asked Jack, annoyed now, for he had the definite feeling she was teasing him.

  ‘If you break it … for a few minutes, it stops time.’

  ‘Just a few minutes?’

  ‘Aye.’

  Jack nodded slowly. ‘Should be enough time for me to blow a hole in the fence and get in.’

  Jill could barely contain herself from throwing the snow globe across the room in temper. ‘Oh, for – Jack, would you give it a rest wi’ this obsession of yours wi’ blowing things up?’

  ‘Do you have a better idea?’

  ‘Noo ye mention it,’ said Jill with an exasperated sigh, ‘how d’ye no just wait until the main gate opens to let a delivery in, then stop time.’

  Jack folded his arms and frowned, embarrassed slightly by the simplicity and explosionlessness of her plan. ‘Aye … I suppose that could work.’

  ‘Not as exciting as your plan,’ chuckled Jill, ‘but it might just come off.’

  ‘How do I get her oot the building then, smarty pants? I mean, she’ll be frozen too. If I’m no allowed to blow anything up, and I’ve only got a few minutes, I cannae see any way it could work …’

  Jill shook her head. ‘There’s one thing that can unfreeze her.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘True love.’

  Jack grinned. ‘It’s always true love wi’ magic, isn’t it? Well, don’t worry, I’ve got bags o’ that!’

  ‘Aye, but does she?’

  Jack fixed his sister with a deadly glare. ‘Just what is that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means that when you call to her, she will unfreeze only if you love her absolutely, wi’ all yer heart, and she feels the same aboot you.’

  ‘She does.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ asked Jill, and braced herself as a beekeeper might before stirring up the bees.

  Jack pointed a raging finger at her. ‘You think she’s jus
t using me to stay in the country, don’t you? You sound just like Maw.’

  ‘That’s unfair,’ Jill told him calmly. ‘Maw would say it like it’s a bad thing. But if you’re right, and she and her wean would be in grave danger if they got deported, she might think she’s got nae choice. I think anyone’d dae the same.’

  ‘Well, you’re wrong.’ Jack crossed his arms defensively. ‘See when she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me? I know she’s no lying. I know it in my heart.’

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ Jill said, softly.

  ‘Well, I am right,’ Jack insisted, sulkily. ‘I am.’

  ‘All the same, I want you to promise me …’

  ‘Aye, what?’

  ‘Promise me that if you call to her and she doesnae call back … you’ll no just hang around and wait for the spell to run down. You’ll get the hell out of there and no look back.’

  ‘No gonnae happen,’ Jack told her with grim resolve.

  ‘What’s the harm promising then?’ Jill asked reasonably. ‘Look, if you don’t promise, you’re no getting the snow globe.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Jack. ‘I promise that if I call to her and she doesnae call back, I’m oot o’ there quicker than you can say “Houdini”.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘But it’s no gonnae happen.’

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ said Jill. ‘I really do. Anyway,’ she felt the need to steer the conversation away from that awkward topic, ‘how’s she getting her hair doon to ye if she cannae open a windae?’

  ‘The windaes dae open a crack. Look …’ he shuffled through his print-outs until he found the one he was looking for. ‘See this? This picture was taken at a protest a couple of years back. See how the asylum seekers are sticking their arms oot to wave at the protestors? I don’t reckon they open much more than that. Unless, of course, you stick a car jack in and force it open.’

  Jill grinned. ‘Okay. I think we came up with a plan.’

  ‘Aye. We’re both brilliant. Especially me.’

  Jill let that one slide. ‘I think we need to unwind a bit. I’ll get the coffees in: you see what’s on telly.’

  Jack put the TV on, to see the astonishing image of the biggest plant he had ever seen, growing out of the Squinty Bridge.

  ‘The mysterious beanstalk,’ a newsreader was saying, ‘is growing so fast that it has caused severe structural damage to the Clyde Arc Bridge, known locally as the “Squinty Bridge”.’

  ‘No way!’ breathed Jack.

  ‘Disturbingly, a strange energy field is preventing anyone or anything from getting within a metre of the plant. Government ministers are anxious that the giant plant could become dangerous if it grows much bigger.’

  Jack nodded slowly, understanding. ‘I’m the only wan that can climb the beanstalk. I planted it.’ He stroked his chin. ‘It’s my destiny.’

  ‘Horticultural experts have as yet been unable to identify the plant, or shed any light on its possible origins.’

  Jack heard Jill coming back through, and quickly turned the telly off. ‘Nothing good on,’ he said. She didn’t need to know about this.

  But Jack knew he would climb the beanstalk. He had to. He would go crazy not knowing what was up there, not knowing what the strange little drunk man had meant by all the strange things he had said.

  Jack would climb the beanstalk.

  But it had to wait until Rapunzel was free.

  CHAPTER 7

  ‘I’d like you all to meet Upenda,’ said the social worker, holding the terrified youngster’s hand. ‘Upenda’s going to be staying with you for a few days.’

  ‘I’m absolutely delighted to meet you,’ said Kara, with a horridly false smile.

  ‘Delighted,’ said Clara. ‘Absolutely delighted.’

  Ella’s gaze fell upon the bronze-skinned child whose destiny was being ripped from her hands. She couldn’t have been more than eight.

  She knew what it was like to be that child … only a bit older and better able to cope. Certainly Ella knew what it was like to have one’s life turned upside down many times in quick succession; to have everything one thought one knew about the world turn out to be wrong.

  She had to protect this child, whatever the cost. So after the social worker left, she summoned all her courage and said, ‘I want you guys to know, if you treat Upenda like you’ve treated me, I’m gonnae blow the whistle. I don’t care what happens to me. Come on, Upenda, I’ll show you your room.’

  On the way upstairs, Ella got a text from Jill asking her to look out for the kid. She chuckled to herself and replied: way ahed o u.

  Jack could hear his heart thundering so loudly in his ears that he wondered that the security guard positioned directly ahead of him couldn’t hear it.

  He was hiding up a tree, some hundred yards from the main gate of Dungavel, the cream-coloured castle.

  He heard the distant sound of a van. Or was it the wind?

  No, it was a mail van.

  Coming closer.

  His heart beat faster. He could see it now.

  Jack felt sick.

  A part of him wanted to abandon the whole scheme and just go home, but he knew there would be no way to live with himself if he didn’t try. Not after coming this far.

  The driver of the van spoke briefly to the guard, then the gates opened to let it through.

  NOW! screamed a voice in Jack’s head.

  He leapt from the tree and ran forward, roaring as he did. No point hiding now!

  The guard leapt into action ready to take him down.

  Jack threw the snow globe on the ground.

  A smash … and all was silence.

  The startled security guard, stopped in time, had struck a hilarious pose, ready to tackle the maniac who was rushing him.

  The dirt squirting upwards from the wheel of the mail van hung in mid-air.

  A bird-dropping waited patiently, mere inches from the ground.

  ‘It works!’ cried Jack, tweaking the guard’s nose, then dashing in.

  ‘Rapunzel!’ he called. ‘Rapunzel!’

  There was no response.

  He remembered Jill’s warning. He remembered his promise.

  ‘Och, come on, Punzy! Don’t do this to me!’

  Into the silence that surrounded him, he yelled, ‘RAPUNZEL!’

  A window opened just a few inches.

  ‘Jack?’ he heard her call back. ‘Jack, is that you?’

  Jack had never been happier to hear her beautiful, lilting, accented voice. He was so overwhelmed with emotion, he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. But he knew he had no time for either.

  ‘Rapunzel, chuck us yer hair. Try and catch it on something, so’s it doesnae hurt when I climb up. Hurry.’

  Down came her long rope of silky, black, pleated hair, all the way to the ground.

  When Jack placed his hand upon it, it took him a moment to remember what he was there to do, for all he could think about was how much he had missed stroking it. It was as soft and as warm as he remembered it, and still smelled of apples.

  With a sigh, Jack began his climb, clinging fast to the rope of hair as he planted boot in front of boot on the wall of the detention centre.

  When he reached the window, he still had to hang on to the hair, for the window ledge was not wide enough for his feet.

  ‘Hang on,’ he breathed with a confidence he didn’t feel. ‘I’ll have you oota here in a jiffy.’

  ‘What about the guards?’

  ‘I’ve stopped time,’ said Jack, somehow managing to get the jack in place. He stuck an arm in the window space for purchase and began turning the handle. It was a tough job. The window was not designed to be easily budged but he felt more determined now than he had ever felt in his life.

  ‘Stopped time how?’ asked a bemused Rapunzel.

  Jack flashed her a boyish grin as his muscles strained. ‘I’m just … a hell of a guy.’

  Finally he heard a crack and the window, slowly but surel
y, began to give way.

  Rapunzel wasted no time in climbing out once she had enough space.

  The kiss Jack had longed to make, the soft, succulent, kiss-to-end-all-kisses, was relegated to a peck on the cheek. For he knew he simply didn’t have time to savour the moment.

  ‘What now?’ asked Rapunzel.

  ‘Now,’ said Jack, producing a pair of scissors, ‘you get a haircut.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Darling, it’s the only way we can both climb down.’

  ‘No way,’ Rapunzel insisted flatly. ‘My hair means a lot to me. I’m not leaving without every inch.’

  ‘Women!’ growled Jack with a roll of his eyes. ‘What do you suggest? It’s too high to jump.’

  ‘Here,’ said Rapunzel. She passed her hair behind the jack, which was still wedged in place. ‘Hold onto me as tight as you can.’

  Jack readily agreed.

  Rapunzel grabbed the rope of hair on the other side of the jack and began slowly feeding it through, lowering them to the ground.

  ‘Doesn’t that hurt?’ asked Jack.

  ‘Yes,’ Rapunzel replied. ‘A lot.’

  They landed safely and Rapunzel stuffed her hair into her jumper, making her look heavily pregnant – a look Jack thought she rather suited.

  ‘Run,’ Jack told her, as they made a run for the exit.

  Rapunzel had to stop and look at the time-frozen guard.

  ‘Punzy!’ cried Jack. ‘We don’t have time!’

  ‘I’m sorry, I just … I’ve never seen anyone frozen in time …’

  ‘I know it’s fascinating,’ said Jack with a note of urgency in his voice, ‘but we really must –’

  ‘Why can we see?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Time has stopped,’ said Rapunzel. ‘So everything moving must stop, including light. If light isn’t moving, it can’t hit the back of our eyes, so we should not be able to see.’

  ‘I don’t know –’

  ‘And why are we not freezing to death?’ Rapunzel asked. ‘Heat is also a kind of light.’

  ‘I don’t entirely understand –’

  ‘And why can we breathe? The tiny particles in the oxygen molecules shouldn’t be moving, which means it can’t have a chemical reaction with our bodies, which means we can’t breathe.’