Much Ado About Nothing

by William Shakespeare

  To quit me of them throughly.

  FRIAR FRANCIS Pause awhile,

  And let my counsel sway you in this case.

  Your daughter here the princes left for dead:

  Let her awhile be secretly kept in,

  And publish it that she is dead indeed.

  Maintain a mourning ostentation,

  And on your family’s old monument

  Hang mournful epitaphs, and do all rites

  That appertain unto a burial.

  LEONATO What shall become of this? What will this do?

  FRIAR FRANCIS Marry, this well carried shall on her behalf

  Change slander to remorse, that is some good.

  But not for that dream I on this strange course,

  But on this travail look for greater birth.

  She dying, as it must so be maintained,

  Upon the instant that she was accused,

  Shall be lamented, pitied and excused

  Of every hearer, for it so falls out

  That what we have we prize not to the worth

  Whiles we enjoy it; but, being lacked and lost,

  Why, then we rack the value, then we find

  The virtue that possession would not show us

  Whiles it was ours. So will it fare with Claudio:

  When he shall hear she died upon his words,

  Th’idea of her life shall sweetly creep

  Into his study of imagination,

  And every lovely organ of her life

  Shall come apparelled in more precious habit,

  More moving-delicate and full of life,

  Into the eye and prospect of his soul

  Than when she lived indeed. Then shall he mourn —

  If ever love had interest in his liver —

  And wish he had not so accusèd her,

  No, though he thought his accusation true.

  Let this be so, and doubt not but success

  Will fashion the event in better shape

  Than I can lay it down in likelihood.

  But if all aim but this be levelled false,

  The supposition of the lady’s death

  Will quench the wonder of her infamy.

  And if it sort not well, you may conceal her,

  As best befits her wounded reputation,

  In some reclusive and religious life,

  Out of all eyes, tongues, minds and injuries.

  BENEDICK Signior Leonato, let the friar advise you.

  And though you know my inwardness and love

  Is very much unto the prince and Claudio,

  Yet, by mine honour, I will deal in this

  As secretly and justly as your soul

  Should with your body.

  LEONATO Being that I flow in grief,

  The smallest twine may lead me.

  FRIAR FRANCIS ’Tis well consented. Presently away,

  For to strange sores strangely they strain the cure.

  Come, lady, die to live. This wedding day

  Perhaps is but prolonged. Have patience and endure.

  Exeunt [all but Benedick and Beatrice]

  BENEDICK Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while?

  BEATRICE Yea, and I will weep a while longer.

  BENEDICK I will not desire that.

  BEATRICE You have no reason, I do it freely.

  BENEDICK Surely I do believe your fair cousin is wronged.

  BEATRICE Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that

  would right her.

  BENEDICK Is there any way to show such friendship?

  BEATRICE A very even way, but no such friend.

  BENEDICK May a man do it?

  BEATRICE It is a man’s office, but not yours.

  BENEDICK I do love nothing in the world so well as you. Is not

  that strange?

  BEATRICE As strange as the thing I know not. It were as

  possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you, but

  believe me not: and yet I lie not. I confess nothing, nor I deny

  nothing. I am sorry for my cousin.

  BENEDICK By my sword, Beatrice, thou lovest me.

  BEATRICE Do not swear by it and eat it.

  BENEDICK I will swear by it that you love me, and I will make

  him eat it that says I love not you.

  BEATRICE Will you not eat your word?

  BENEDICK With no sauce that can be devised to it. I protest I

  love thee.

  BEATRICE Why then, God forgive me.

  BENEDICK What offence, sweet Beatrice?

  BEATRICE You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to

  protest I loved you.

  BENEDICK And do it with all thy heart.

  BEATRICE I love you with so much of my heart that none is left

  to protest.

  BENEDICK Come, bid me do anything for thee.

  BEATRICE Kill Claudio.

  BENEDICK Ha, not for the wide world.

  BEATRICE You kill me to deny. Farewell.

  BENEDICK Tarry, sweet Beatrice.

  BEATRICE I am gone, though I am here. There is no love in you.

  Nay I pray you let me go.

  BENEDICK Beatrice—

  BEATRICE In faith, I will go.

  BENEDICK We’ll be friends first.

  BEATRICE You dare easier be friends with me than fight with

  mine enemy.

  BENEDICK Is Claudio thine enemy?

  BEATRICE Is a not approved in the height a villain, that hath

  slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O that I

  were a man! What, bear her in hand until they come to take

  hands, and then, with public accusation, uncovered slander,

  unmitigated rancour — O God, that I were a man! I would

  eat his heart in the market-place.

  BENEDICK Hear me, Beatrice—

  BEATRICE Talk with a man out at a window! A proper saying!

  BENEDICK Nay, but Beatrice—

  BEATRICE Sweet Hero! She is wronged, she is slandered, she is

  undone.

  BENEDICK Beat—

  BEATRICE Princes and counties! Surely, a princely testimony, a

  goodly Count Comfit, a sweet gallant, surely! O that I were a

  man for his sake! Or that I had any friend would be a man for

  my sake! But manhood is melted into curtsies, valour into

  compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and trim

  ones too. He is now as valiant as Hercules that only tells a lie

  and swears it. I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I

  will die a woman with grieving.

  BENEDICK Tarry, good Beatrice. By this hand I love thee.

  BEATRICE Use it for my love some other way than swearing by

  it.

  BENEDICK Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath

  wronged Hero?

  BEATRICE Yea, as sure as I have a thought or a soul.

  BENEDICK Enough: I am engaged, I will

  challenge him. I will kiss your hand, and so leave you. By this hand, Claudio shall

  render me a dear account. As you hear of me, so think of me.

  Go comfort your cousin, I must say she is dead: and so

  farewell.

  [Exeunt separately]

  Act 4 Scene 2

  running scene 12

  Enter the Constables [Dogberry and Verges], Borachio and [Sexton as] the Town Clerk in gowns [with Conrad, and the Watch]

  DOGBERRY Is our whole dissembly appeared?

  VERGES O, a stool and a cushion for the sexton.

  SEXTON Which be the malefactors?

  DOGBERRY Marry, that am I and my partner.

  VERGES Nay, that’s certain, we have the exhibition to

  examine.

  SEXTON But which are the offenders that are to be examined?

  Let them come before master constable.

  DOGBERRY Yea, marry, let them come before me.r />
  Borachio and Conrad are brought forward

  What is your name, friend?

  BORACHIO Borachio.

  DOGBERRY Pray, write down ‘Borachio’.— Yours, sirrah?

  CONRAD I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrad.

  DOGBERRY Write down ‘master gentleman Conrad’. Masters,

  do you serve God? Masters, it is proved already that you are

  little better than false knaves, and it will go near to be

  thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves?

  CONRAD Marry, sir, we say we are none.

  DOGBERRY A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you. But I will go

  about with him. Come you hither, sirrah, a word in your ear,

  sir: I say to you, it is thought you are false

  To Borachio

  knaves.

  BORACHIO Sir, I say to you we are none.

  DOGBERRY Well, stand aside. ’Fore God, they are both in a tale.

  Have you writ down that they are none?

  SEXTON Master constable, you go not the way to examine.

  You must call forth the watch that are their accusers.

  DOGBERRY Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch

  come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince’s name,

  accuse these men.

  FIRST WATCHMAN This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince’s

  brother, was a villain.

  DOGBERRY Write down ‘Prince John a villain’. Why, this is flat

  perjury, to call a prince’s brother villain.

  BORACHIO Master constable—

  DOGBERRY Pray thee fellow, peace: I do not like thy look, I

  promise thee.

  SEXTON What heard you him say else?

  SECOND WATCHMAN Marry, that he had received a thousand

  ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.

  DOGBERRY Flat burglary as ever was committed.

  VERGES Yea, by th’mass, that it is.

  SEXTON What else, fellow?

  FIRST WATCHMAN And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his

  words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not

  marry her.

  DOGBERRY O villain! Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting

  redemption for this.

  SEXTON What else?

  WATCHMEN This is all.

  SEXTON And this is more, masters, than you can deny.

  Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away. Hero was in

  this manner accused, in this very manner refused, and upon

  the grief of this suddenly died. Master Constable, let these

  men be bound, and brought to Leonato. I will go before and

  show him their examination.

  [Exit]

  DOGBERRY Come, let them be opinioned.

  VERGES Let them be in the hands—

  CONRAD Off, coxcomb!

  DOGBERRY God’s my life, where’s the sexton? Let him write

  down ‘the prince’s officer coxcomb’. Come, bind them.—

  Thou naughty varlet!

  CONRAD Away! You are an ass, you are an ass.

  DOGBERRY Dost thou not

  suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an

  ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass: though it be

  not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou

  villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by

  good witness. I am a wise fellow, and which is more, an

  officer, and which is more, a householder, and which is

  more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any in Messina, and one

  that knows the law, go to, and a rich fellow enough, go to,

  and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two

  gowns and everything handsome about him. Bring him

  away. O that I had been writ down an ass!

  Exeunt

  Act 5 Scene 1

  running scene 13

  Enter Leonato and his brother [Antonio]

  ANTONIO If you go on thus, you will kill yourself,

  And ’tis not wisdom thus to second grief

  Against yourself.

  LEONATO I pray thee, cease thy counsel,

  Which falls into mine ears as profitless

  As water in a sieve: give not me counsel,

  Nor let no comforter delight mine ear

  But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.

  Bring me a father that so loved his child,

  Whose joy of her is overwhelmed like mine,

  And bid him speak of patience,

  Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine,

  And let it answer every strain for strain,

  As thus for thus, and such a grief for such,

  In every lineament, branch, shape and form.

  If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,

  Bid sorrow wag, cry ‘Hem!’ when he should groan,

  Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk

  With candle-wasters, bring him yet to me,

  And I of him will gather patience.

  But there is no such man: for, brother, men

  Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief

  Which they themselves not feel, but tasting it,

  Their counsel turns to passion, which before

  Would give preceptial medicine to rage,

  Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,

  Charm ache with air and agony with words.

  No, no, ’tis all men’s office to speak patience

  To those that wring under the load of sorrow,

  But no man’s virtue nor sufficiency

  To be so moral when he shall endure

  The like himself: therefore give me no counsel.

  My griefs cry louder than advertisement.

  ANTONIO Therein do men from children nothing differ.

  LEONATO I pray thee peace. I will be flesh and blood,

  For there was never yet philosopher

  That could endure the toothache patiently,

  However they have writ the style of gods

  And made a push at chance and sufferance.

  ANTONIO Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself,

  Make those that do offend you suffer too.

  LEONATO There thou speak’st reason. Nay, I will do so.

  My soul doth tell me Hero is belied,

  And that shall Claudio know, so shall the prince

  And all of them that thus dishonour her.

  Enter Prince [Don Pedro] and Claudio

  ANTONIO Here comes the prince and Claudio hastily.

  DON PEDRO Good den, good den.

  CLAUDIO Good day to both of you.

  LEONATO Hear you, my lords—

  DON PEDRO We have some haste, Leonato.

  LEONATO Some haste, my lord! Well, fare you well, my lord:

  Are you so hasty now? Well, all is one.

  DON PEDRO Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.

  ANTONIO If he could right himself with quarrelling,

  Some of us would lie low.

  CLAUDIO Who wrongs him?

  LEONATO Marry, thou dost wrong me, thou

  Claudio prepares to draw his sword

  dissembler, thou: Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword,

  I fear thee not.

  CLAUDIO Marry, beshrew my hand

  If it should give your age such cause of fear:

  In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.

  LEONATO Tush, tush, man, never fleer and jest at me:

  I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,

  As under privilege of age to brag

  What I have done being young or what would do

  Were I not old. Know, Claudio, to thy head,

  Thou hast so wronged my innocent child and me

  That I am forced to lay my reverence by,

  And wit
h grey hairs and bruise of many days,

  Do challenge thee to trial of a man.

  I say thou hast belied mine innocent child:

  Thy slander hath gone through and through her heart,

  And she lies buried with her ancestors —

  O, in a tomb where never scandal slept,

  Save this of hers, framed by thy villainy!

  CLAUDIO My villainy?

  LEONATO Thine, Claudio, thine, I say.

  DON PEDRO You say not right, old man.

  LEONATO My lord, my lord,

  I’ll prove it on his body if he dare,

  Despite his nice fence and his active practice,

  His May of youth and bloom of lustihood.

  CLAUDIO Away! I will not have to do with you.

  LEONATO Canst thou so daff me? Thou hast killed my child:

  If thou kill’st me, boy, thou shalt kill a man.

  ANTONIO He shall kill two of us, and men indeed:

  But that’s no matter, let him kill one first.

  Win me and wear me, let him answer me.

  Come follow me, boy, come, sir boy, come follow me:

  Sir boy, I’ll whip you from your foining fence,

  Nay, as I am a gentleman, I will.

  LEONATO Brother—

  ANTONIO Content yourself. God knows I loved my niece,

  And she is dead, slandered to death by villains,

  That dare as well answer a man indeed

  As I dare take a serpent by the tongue.

  Boys, apes, braggarts, Jacks, milksops!

  LEONATO Brother Antony—

  ANTONIO Hold you content. What, man! I know them, yea,

  And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple,

  Scrambling, out-facing, fashion-monging boys,

  That lie and cog and flout, deprave and slander,

  Go anticly, and show outward hideousness,

  And speak off half a dozen dang’rous words,

  How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst,

  And this is all.

  LEONATO But, brother Antony—

  ANTONIO Come, ’tis no matter:

  Do not you meddle, let me deal in this.

  DON PEDRO Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.

  My heart is sorry for your daughter’s death.

  But on my honour, she was charged with nothing

  But what was true, and very full of proof.

  LEONATO My lord, my lord—

  DON PEDRO I will not hear you.

  Enter Benedick

  LEONATO No? Come, brother, away! I will be heard.

  ANTONIO And shall, or some of us will smart for it.

  Exeunt both [Leonato and Antonio]