Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

by Anita Loos

  So Mr. Spoffard said that he would come to call on Dorothy and I in our compartment this afternoon and we would talk it all over, if his mother does not seem to need him in her compartment. Because Mr. Spoffards mother always travels with Mr. Spoffard and he never does anything unless he tells his mother all about it, and asks his mother if he ought to. So he told me that that is the reason he has never got married, because his mother does not think that all of the flappers we seem to have nowadays are what a young man ought to marry when a young man is full of so many morals as Mr. Spoffard seems to be full of. So I told Mr. Spoffard that I really felt just like his mother feels about all of the flappers because I am an old fashioned girl.

  So then I got to worrying about Dorothy quite a lot because Dorothy is really not so old-fashioned and she might say something in front of Mr. Spoffard that might make Mr. Spoffard wonder what such an old-fashioned girl as I was doing with such a girl as Dorothy. So I told him how I was having quite a hard time reforming Dorothy and I would like to have him meet Dorothy so he could tell me if he really thinks I am wasting quite a lot of time trying to reform a girl like Dorothy. So then he had to go to his mother. So I really hope that Dorothy will act more reformed than she usually acts in front of Mr. Spoffard.

  Well Mr. Spoffard just left our compartment so he really came to pay a call on us after all. So Mr. Spoffard told us all about his mother and I was really very very intreeged because if Mr. Spoffard and I become friendly he is the kind of a gentleman that always wants a girl to meet his mother. I mean if a girl gets to know what kind of a mother a gentlemans mother is like, she really knows more what kind of a conversation to use on a gentleman’s mother when she meets her. Because a girl like I is really always on the verge of meeting gentlemen’s mothers. But such an unrefined girl as Dorothy is really not the kind of a girl that ever meets gentlemens mothers.

  * * *

  So Mr. Spoffard says his mother has to have him take care of her quite a lot. Because Mr. Spoffards mothers brains have never really been so strong. Because it seems his mother came from such a very fine old family that even when she was quite a small size child she had to be sent to a school that was a special school for people of very fine old familys who had to have things very easy on their brain. So she still has to have things very easy on her brain, so she has a girl who is called her companion who goes with her everywhere who is called Miss Chapman. Because Mr. Spoffard says that there is always something new going on in the world which they did not get a chance to tell her about at the school. So now Miss Chapman keeps telling her instead. Because how would she know what to think about such a new thing as a radio, for instance, if she did not have Miss Chapman to tell her what it was, for instance. So Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said, “What a responsibility that girl has got on her shoulders. For instance, what if Miss Chapman told her a radio was something to build a fire in, and she would get cold some day and stuff it full of papers and light it.” But Mr. Spoffard told Dorothy that Miss Chapman would never make such a mistake. Because he said that Miss Chapman came from a very very fine old family herself and she really had a fine brain. So Dorothy said, “If she really has got such a fine brain I bet her fine old family once had an ice man who could not be trusted.” So Mr. Spoffard and I did not pay any more attention to Dorothy because Dorothy really does not know how to hold a conversation.

  * * *

  So then I and Mr. Spoffard held a conversation all about morals and Mr. Spoffard says he really thinks the future of everything is between the hands of Mr. Blank the district attorney who is the famous district attorney who is closing up all the places in New York where they sell all of the liquor. So Mr. Spoffard said that a few months ago, when Mr. Blank decided he would try to get the job to be the district attorney, he put 1,000 dollars worth of liquor down his sink. So now Mr. Blank says that everybody else has got to put it down their sink. So Dorothy spoke up, and Dorothy said, “If he poured 1,000 dollars worth down his sink to get himself one million dollars worth of publicity and a good job—when we pour it down our sink, what do we get?” But Mr. Spoffard is to brainy a gentleman to answer any such a foolish question. So he gave Dorothy a look that was full of dignity and he said he would have to go back to his Mother. So I was really quite angry at Dorothy. So I followed Mr. Spoffard down the hall of the railway train and I asked Mr. Spoffard if he thought I was wasting quite a lot of time reforming a girl like Dorothy. So Mr. Spoffard thinks I am, because he really thinks a girl like Dorothy will never have any reverance. So I told Mr. Spoffard I had wasted so much time on Dorothy it would really break my heart to be a failure. So then I had tears in my eyes. So Mr. Spoffard is really very very sympathetic because when he saw that I did not have any handkerchief, he took his own handkerchief and he dried up all of my tears. So then he said he would help me with Dorothy quite a lot and get her mind to running on things that are more educational.

  So then he said he thought that we ought to get off the train at a place called Munich because it was very full of art, which they call “kunst” in Munich, which is very, very educational. So he said he and Dorothy and I would get off of the train in Munich because he could send his mother right on to Vienna with Miss Chapman, because every place always seems to look alike to his mother anyway. So we are all going to get off the train at Munich and I can send Mr. Eisman a telegram when nobody is looking. Because I really do not think I will tell Mr. Spoffard about Mr. Eisman, because, after all, their religions are different and when two gentlemen have such different religions they do not seem to have so much to get congeneal about. So I can telegraph Mr. Eisman that Dorothy and I thought we would get off the train at Munich to look at all of the art.

  So then I went back to Dorothy and I told Dorothy if she did not have anything to say in the future to not say it. Because even if Mr. Spoffard is a fine old family and even if he is very Prespyterian, I and he could really be friendly after all and talk together quite a lot. I mean Mr. Spoffard likes to talk about himself quite a lot, so I said to Dorothy it really shows that, after all, he is just like any other gentleman. But Dorothy said she would demand more proof than that. So Dorothy says she thinks that maybe I might become quite friendly with Mr. Spoffard and especially with his mother because she thinks his mother and I have quite a lot that is common, but she says, if I ever bump into Miss Chapman, she thinks I will come to a kropper because Dorothy saw Miss Chapman when she was at luncheon and Dorothy says Miss Chapman is the kind of a girl that wears a collar and a tie even when she is not on horseback. And Dorothy said it was the look that Miss Chapman gave her at luncheon that really gave her the idea about the ice man. So Dorothy says she thinks Miss Chapman has got 3 thirds of the brains of that trio of Geegans, because Geegans is the slang word that Dorothy has thought up to use on people who are society people. Because Dorothy says she thinks any gentleman with Mr. Spoffards brains had ought to spend his time putting nickels into an electric piano, but I did not even bother to talk back at such a girl as Dorothy. So now we must get ready to get off the train when the train gets to Munich so that we can look at all of the kunst in Munich.

  May 19th:

  Well yesterday Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy got off the train at Munich to see all of the kunst in Munich, but you only call it Munich when you are on the train because as soon as you get off of the train they seem to call it Munchen. So you really would know that Munchen was full of kunst because in case you would not know it, they have painted the word “kunst” in large size black letters on everything in Munchen, and you can not even see a boot black’s stand in Munchen that is not full of kunst.

  So Mr. Spoffard said that we really ought to go to the theater in Munchen because even the theater in Munchen was full of kunst. So we looked at all of the bills of all of the theaters, with the aid of quite an intelectual hotel clerk who seemed to be able to read it and tell us what it said, because it really meant nothing to us. So it seems they were playing Kiki in Munchen, so I said, let us go and see Kiki
because we have seen Lenore Ulric in New York and we would really know what it is all about even if they do not seem to talk the English landguage. So then we went to the Kunst theater. So it seems that Munchen is practically full of Germans and the lobby of the Kunst theater was really full of Germans who stand in the lobby and drink beer and eat quite a lot of Bermudian onions and garlick sausage and hard boiled eggs and beer before all of the acts. So I really had to ask Mr. Spoffard if he thought we had come to the right theatre because the lobby seemed to smell such a lot. I mean when the smell of beer gets to be anteek it gets to smell quite a lot. But Mr. Spoffard seemed to think that the lobby of the Kunst theatre did not smell any worse than all of the other places in Munich. So then Dorothy spoke up and Dorothy said “You can say what you want about the Germans being full of ‘kunst,’ but what they are really full of is delicatessen.”

  So then we went into the Kunst theater. But the Kunst theater does not seem to smell so good as the lobby of the Kunst theater. And the Kunst theater seems to be decorated with quite a lot of what tripe would look like if it was pasted on the wall and gilded. Only you could not really see the gilding because it was covered with quite a lot of dust. So Dorothy looked around and Dorothy said, if this is “kunst,” the art center of the world is Union Hill New Jersey.

  So then they started in to playing Kiki but it seems that it was not the same kind of a Kiki that we have in America, because it seemed to be all about a family of large size German people who seemed to keep getting in each others ways. I mean when a stage is completely full of 2 or 3 German people who are quite large size, they really cannot help it if they seem to get in each others ways. So then Dorothy got to talking with a young gentleman who seemed to be a German gentleman who sat back of her, who she thought was applauding. But what he was really doing was he was cracking a hard boiled egg on the back of her chair. So he talked English with quite an accent that seemed to be quite a German accent. So Dorothy asked him if Kiki had come out on the stage yet. So he said no, but she was really a beautiful german actress who came clear from Berlin and he said we should really wait until she came out, even if we did not seem to understand it. So finally she came out. I mean we knew it was her because Dorothy’s German gentleman friend nudged Dorothy with a sausage. So we looked at her, and we looked at her and Dorothy said, “If Schuman Heinke still has a grandmother, we have dug her up in Munchen.” So we did not bother to see any more of Kiki because Dorothy said she would really have to know more about the foundations of that building before she would risk our lives to see Kiki do that famous scene where she faints in the last act. Because Dorothy said, if the foundations of that building were as anteek as the smell, there was going to be a catasterophy when Kiki hit the floor. So even Mr. Spoffard was quite discouradged, but he was really glad because he said he was 100 per cent of an American and it served the Germans right for starting such a war against all we Americans.

  May 20th:

  Well today Mr. Spoffard is going to take me all around to all of the museums in Munchen, which are full of kunst that I really ought to look at, but Dorothy said she had been punished for all of her sins last night, so now she is going to begin life all over again by going out with her German gentleman friend, who is going to take her to a house called the Half Brow house which is the worlds largest size of a Beer Hall. So Dorothy said I could be a high brow and get full of kunst, but she is satisfide to be a Half brow and get full of beer. But Dorothy will really never be full of anything else but unrefinement.

  May 21st:

  Well Mr. Spoffard and I and Dorothy are on the train again and we are all going to Vienna. I mean Mr. Spoffard and I spent one whole day going through all of the museums in Munchen, but I am really not even going to think about it. Because when something terrible happens to me, I always try to be a Christian science and I simply do not even think about it, but I deny that it ever happened even if my feet do seem to hurt quite a lot. So even Dorothy had quite a hard day in Munchen because her German gentleman friend, who is called Rudolf, came for her at 11 oclock to take her to breakfast. But Dorothy told him that she had had her breakfast. But her gentleman friend said that he had had his first breakfast to, but it was time for his second. So he took Dorothy to the Half Brow house where everybody eats white sausages and pretzels and beer at 11 oclock. So after they had their white sausages and beer he wanted to take her for a ride but they could only go a few blocks because by then it was time for luncheon. So they ate quite a lot of luncheon and then he bought her a large size box of chocolates that were full of liqueurs, and took her to the matinee. So after the first act Rudolf got hungry and they had to go and stand in the lobby and have some sandwitches and beer. But Dorothy did not enjoy the show very much and so after the second act Rudolf said they would leave because it was time for tea anyway. So after quite a heavy tea, Rudolph asked her to dinner and Dorothy was to overcome to say No. So after dinner they went to a beer garden for beer and pretzels. But finally Dorothy began to come to, and she asked him to take her back to the hotel. So Rudolf said he would, but they had better have a bite to eat first. So today Dorothy really feels just as discouradged as I seem to feel, only Dorothy is not a Christian science and all she can do is suffer.

  But in spite of all of my Christian science, I am really beginning to feel quite discouradged about Vienna. I mean Mr. Eisman is in Vienna, and I do not see how I can spend quite a lot of time with Mr. Eisman and quite a lot of time with Mr. Spoffard and keep them from meeting one another. Because Mr. Spoffard might not seem to understand why Mr. Eisman seems to spend quite a lot of money to get me educated. And Dorothy keeps trying to depress me about Miss Chapman because she says she thinks that when Miss Chapman sees I and Mr. Spoffard together she thinks that Miss Chapman will cable for the familys favorite lunacy expert. So I have got to be as full of Christian science as I can and always hope for the best.

  May 25th:

  So far everything has really worked out for the best. Because Mr. Eisman is very very busy all day with the button profession, and he tells me to run around with Dorothy all day. So I and Mr. Spoffard run around all day. So then I tell Mr. Spoffard that I really do not care to go to all of the places that you go to at night, but I will go to bed and get ready for tomorrow instead. So then Dorothy and I go to dinner with Mr. Eisman and then we go to a show, and we stay up quite late at a cabaret called the Chapeau Rouge and I am able to keep it all up with the aid of champagne. So if we keep our eye out for Mr. Spoffard and do not all bump into one another when he is out looking at things that we Americans really should not look at, it will all work out for the best. I mean I have even stopped Mr. Spoffard looking at museums because I tell him that I like nature better, and when you look at nature you look at it in a horse and buggy in the park and it is much easier on the feet. So now he is beginning to talk about how he would like me to meet his mother, so everything really seems for the best after all.

  But I have quite a hard time with Mr. Eisman at night. I mean at night Mr. Eisman is in quite a state, because every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, it is time for all the gentlemen in Vienna to go to the coffee house and sit. Or else every time he makes an engagement about the button factory, some Viennese gentleman gets the idea to have a picknick and they all put on short pants and bare knees and they all put a feather in their hat, and they all walk to the Tyrol. So it really discouradges Mr. Eisman quite a lot. But if anyone ought to get discouradged I think that I ought to get discouradged because after all when a girl has had no sleep for a week a girl can not help it if she seems to get discouradged.

  May 27th:

  Well finaly I broke down and Mr. Spoffard said that he thought a little girl like I, who was trying to reform the whole world was trying to do to much, especially beginning on a girl like Dorothy. So he said there was a famous doctor in Vienna called Dr. Froyd who could stop all of my worrying because he does not give a girl medicine but he talks you out of it by psychoanalysis. So yester
day he took me to Dr. Froyd. So Dr. Froyd and I had quite a long talk in the english landguage. So it seems that everybody seems to have a thing called inhibitions, which is when you want to do a thing and you do not do it. So then you dream about it instead. So Dr. Froyd asked me, what I seemed to dream about. So I told him that I never really dream about anything. I mean I use my brains so much in the day time that at night they do not seem to do anything else but rest. So Dr. Froyd was very very surprized at a girl who did not dream about anything. So then he asked me all about my life. I mean he is very very sympathetic, and he seems to know how to draw a girl out quite a lot. I mean I told him things that I really would not even put in my diary. So then he seemed very very intreeged at a girl who always seemed to do everything she wanted to do. So he asked me if I really never wanted to do a thing that I did not do. For instance did I ever want to do a thing that was really vialent, for instance, did I ever want to shoot someone for instance. So then I said I had, but the bullet only went in Mr. Jennings lung and came right out again. So then Dr. Froyd looked at me and looked at me and he said he did not really think it was possible. So then he called in his assistance and he pointed at me and talked to his assistance quite a lot in the Viennese landguage. So then his assistance looked at me and looked at me and it really seems as if I was quite a famous case. So then Dr. Froyd said that all I needed was to cultivate a few inhibitions and get some sleep.