On His Grave

by Farrar, M K

  Even though it was Friday night, Haiden was sitting on the couch, watching Gardener’s World. For someone who was only twenty-three, she got the impression he was far older at times. She paused in the doorway, her arms folded as she observed him engrossed in the programme, even though he’d never mentioned being particularly interested in gardening, with the exception of the pots he’d recreated for her.

  “Don’t you have friends at the university you should be out with on a Friday night?” she asked him.

  He glanced away from the show and rewarded her with a smile, a dimple appearing in his left cheek. “Not really. It’s a strange age bracket to be in. Everyone there seems to be either eighteen and having barely left home, or they’re much older.”

  “Like me, you mean?” she said, only half teasing.

  “Not at all. You’re not older. I mean, these people are in their fifties and trying to fill in time created by an empty nest.”

  “Right.” She suddenly felt sad at the idea of Haiden all alone and with no friends at the university. Maybe it was the maternal side of her. She couldn’t help putting Ollie in everyone else’s position.

  “Anyway,” Haiden said, “you’re hardly one to talk. Don’t you ever go out?”

  “Out?” The question surprised her. “Well, I work, and take care of Ollie. We go to the park and the shops...”

  She trailed off, realising she didn’t have too much more to add.

  He laughed. “I meant out out. Don’t you ever go and do something fun?”

  “I enjoy spending time with Ollie. That’s fun to me.” God, that sounded so lame.

  “What about the weekends like this, where he’s at his dads?”

  She couldn’t tell him that she was always too broke to do anything. That she didn’t want to spend precious money on restaurants, or even cafes, or hairdressers and nail salons. It would just feel too selfish, too self-indulgent.

  She shrugged. “Honestly, I enjoy the peace and quiet. I’m surrounded by kids all day at work, and then I come home and take care of Ollie. It’s relaxing for me to take a bath and read a book, and just... you know, hang out.”

  She couldn’t tell him how fearsomely lonely she found those weekends—how the hours stretched on forever, and she lay awake half the night, torturing herself that Ollie was also awake, upset and needing her.

  He gave her that lopsided smile. “Except now you have me hanging around, too, so I guess I’ve ruined your peace and quiet.”

  She flapped a hand. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m happy to have you around. It’s good to have some adult company, too.”

  “So, since your peace and quiet is already ruined, why not let me take you out tomorrow night? Doesn’t need to be anything much—maybe the cinema? I don’t know many people around here either. I’d appreciate the company.”

  “The cinema?”

  “Yes, you know that place with the big screens that shows lots of different films?”

  He was teasing her now, she could tell by the tone of his voice, and it only made her mortification grow. She couldn’t go to the cinema with him, could she? It wasn’t as though it was a date. They were just two people thrown together who were making good use of their free time.

  She had to keep reminding herself that she wasn’t in her twenties anymore. The way she saw him was completely different to how he saw her—and even if it wasn’t, to even consider the possibility that this would go any further was utterly irresponsible. True, it wasn’t as though he was underage or anything, but he was under her care, in a way.

  She shook the thought from her head. It was ridiculous even thinking this way. It wasn’t how Haiden was seeing this at all—she was just his frumpy landlady who already had tons of baggage. He was only offering this because he hadn’t made any friends here yet.

  “You know what,” she said, “what the hell. Let’s do it.”

  His face broke in a smile. “Yeah? That would be great. Anything you want to see?”

  “As long as it’s got plenty of action, I’m good.” The last thing she wanted was to end up in a cinema with him watching a sexy romance, or a tear-jerker that was going to make her cry.

  “Great, so it’s a date.”

  “I’ll look forward to it,” she said, already hoping she wasn’t getting herself into something she couldn’t handle.

  Chapter Fifteen

  She did her best to avoid Haiden most of Saturday daytime, worried he’d notice how nervous she was at the prospect of going to the cinema with him that evening. She kept reminding herself how ridiculous she was being, and that they were only going to the cinema together as two adults who didn’t have anyone else to go with. It didn’t mean anything more than that. But she still wished she had Ollie around to distract her.

  When the evening approached, she shut herself in her room and agonised over what she should wear and how much makeup she should apply. She wanted to make an effort, but not too much of an effort. In the end, she settled on a pair of her smarter jeans and a stripy top, and just applied a little mascara and lip gloss. Of course, Haiden didn’t need to worry about things like makeup, and he’d be able to throw on any old thing and still look great.

  A light knock came at her bedroom door. “You ready in there? We should probably get going if we’re going to make the film.”

  “Just coming!” she chirped back, her heart racing.

  Heat flushed her cheeks, and she sucked in a breath. This was just the cinema. It was no big deal.

  She opened the door.

  “Ready?” he asked, still waiting for her. Was it her imagination, or did his gaze drop down her body?

  “Ready,” she confirmed and brushed past his tall form to head down the stairs. She was going to drive, so she wouldn’t be able to have a drink. She had the tolerance of a child and didn’t trust herself under the influence of even one glass of wine.

  Haiden had already pre-bought the tickets—his treat, he insisted.

  She drove into town and found somewhere to park. They chatted easily about other films they’d both seen, and what had been their favourites and which ones they’d hated. Now that she was out of the house, she was finding it easier to relax, and she had to remind herself that this was something people did for enjoyment and not to torture themselves.

  Their seats were in the middle row of the cinema, and she was relieved they weren’t in the back row. Even though she knew she was overthinking everything, she was still hugely aware of the proximity of their bodies as they sat, side by side, waiting for the film to start. The heat of his shoulder burned into hers, and whenever he relaxed, his thigh bumped hers.

  They’d treated themselves to popcorn, and a pick-n-mix for her, which Haiden kept delving into, despite him insisting he’d prefer popcorn and that the sweets were meant for children. They sat through the film, comfortable with each other, and for the next hour and a half, Kristen forgot she was his landlady, and older than he was, and that she had a son and a dickhead of an ex-husband to deal with.

  When the film finished, they emerged onto the street. It was dark now, and town had filled up with young people in revealing, fashionable clothing, already slightly drunk, giggling and shouting to one another.

  Kristen pulled her phone from her handbag, checking that Stephen hadn’t called her about Ollie. To her dismay, she had five missed calls, but all of them were from Violet. Her stomach sank, but she shoved the phone into her bag, unable to deal with her sister right now. She was allowed to have one evening where she didn’t have to constantly worry about other people.

  “That was good, wasn’t it?” she said to Haiden, half-wondering if he wished he was a part of all the young people walking past, enjoying themselves.

  “Yeah, it was, but I enjoyed more than just the film.

  She blinked up at him. “You did?”

  He linked his fingers through hers, and her heart stopped.

  “I really enjoy your company, Kristen. We haven’t known each other long,
but the first moment I set eyes on you, it was like something jumpstarted inside me.”

  “Haiden....”

  “I’m not kidding. It was like an electric jolt.”

  How could she tell him that she’d felt the same way?

  “And then,” he continued, “I’ve got to know you, and this beautiful woman turns out to be pretty amazing, too. You’re an incredible mother to Ollie, and I can see how you’ll fight for him with every breath you have. You’ll sacrifice everything for other people. You’re stunning, and you have absolutely no idea. The younger women I meet are all so self-obsessed. They’re more worried about making sure they get the perfect selfie or looking good on social media than doing anything meaningful in real life.”

  Her cheeks flushed hot. She could barely believe he was saying all this stuff to her. It had been so long since anyone had made her think she might be worth something that she almost didn’t want to believe it. But what reason would he have to lie? If he was just interested in something physical, she was sure there were a hundred different apps that would help him hook up with some gorgeous twenty-year-old.

  She opened her mouth to tell him that she didn’t know what to say, but he leaned into her, and his lips pressed to hers. Involuntarily, her body melted against him, and her lips parted. His tongue softly brushed against hers, and she groaned, her arm snaking around his waist to pull him closer. He still had one of her hands in his, their fingers linked, and he lifted his other hand to thread it through her hair.

  God, it had been so long since she’d been kissed like this—deep and passionate, and as though nothing else existed. The rest of the world fell away. They were standing outside of the cinema, making out like a couple of teenagers.

  But they weren’t teenagers. She was a divorced woman in her thirties with a son to think about. And this wasn’t just some guy she’d met. He was a student she was supposed to be taking care of.

  She broke the kiss and stepped back, even though a dull ache appeared in her chest at the lack of contact. “I’m sorry, Haiden. I just can’t.”

  He frowned down at her. “Why not?”

  She motioned between them. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. You’re a student, and I’m supplying you with housing and meals. That’s all.”

  “I’m a student, but I’m a mature student. I can understand if I was younger, but I’m not. We’re both adults, and we should be allowed to make whatever choices we want.”

  She groaned and pushed both her hands through her hair. “It’s not that simple. I’m sure it’s not like we’re doing anything illegal, but morally, it’s a grey line.”

  An image of Nancy’s face if she found out that Kristen had been making out with one of their students flashed into her mind, and she shrivelled inside.

  “Really?” He sounded disbelieving.

  “Haiden, you’re the first student I’ve taken in, and I really can’t afford to mess this up. If the university finds out, I might be struck off the register, and once you leave, they won’t place any more students with me.”

  He took a step closer, a tweak of a smile on his perfect lips. “I could always not leave,” he said, his voice husky.

  She placed a hand to his chest to prevent him coming any closer. “Don’t even joke about it.”

  Despite everything that had been going on lately, she had to admit she’d been happier with Haiden around. She’d missed adult company, and his company was especially enjoyable.

  “But seriously,” she continued, “I just can’t take the risk. I really need the money—not only for me, but for Ollie, too. I can’t have this all blowing up in my face.”

  “Hey, that’s okay. I understand.”

  “Thank you. I can hardly believe I turned you down. I mean, look at you.” She gestured helplessly towards him. She must be mad.

  “You should look at yourself a little more closely, too, Kristen,” he said softly. “And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I honestly don’t think you see yourself the way the rest of the world does.”

  She gave him a rueful smile. “That’s kind of you to say.”

  “You should believe it.”

  “I’m trying,” she lied. She glanced over her shoulder in the direction of where she’d parked the car. “I guess we should probably be getting home.”

  It was still early, but she didn’t want to feel awkward, just the two of them after that kiss. She wanted to shut herself away in her room and over think everything for a few hours until she eventually fell asleep.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The next morning, she woke to the sound of voices coming from downstairs.

  Kristen sat up in bed, frowning. Had Stephen brought Ollie home already? She checked the time and winced. It was gone ten in the morning. Far later than she normally slept in. But then she’d not managed to sleep until about two, her thoughts turning over and over and refusing to let her rest. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Haiden. She’d even wondered if it was possible for Haiden to request a move to a different accommodation, but then she’d shut that idea down. He’d have to give a reason for wanting to move, and whatever excuse they came up with, it was always going to reflect badly on her. Besides, even if he moved to a different location and they carried on seeing each other, he would have to go back to Sweden in a couple of months. There was no positive outcome in all of this. It was no surprise she had slept so late.

  But no, one of the voices was definitely female.

  What the hell was going on?

  She slipped out of bed and pulled on her dressing gown. There was only one person she knew who would turn up at her house unannounced.

  Kristen padded downstairs, following the voices into the living room. As she got closer, she realised the person sounded upset and her stomach twisted. Not that her being upset was anything unusual, but Kristen didn’t normally wake up to find her already in her house.

  The living room door was partially shut, so she pushed it open and stepped through.

  Violet was sitting on their sofa, her head in her hands. Haiden sat beside her, his arm around her shoulders, which shuddered beneath his touch. Both looked up as she stepped in, and though Violet’s eyes were rimmed with red, Kristen couldn’t see any actual tears.

  She didn’t miss how closely she was snuggled up to Haiden, however, and anger burned through her. What the hell was Violet playing at now? She warned her sister to stay away from Haiden, and here she was with his arm around her. Maybe Kristen was a little jealous after the kiss she’d shared with Haiden, but mostly she was angry because no matter what she told Violet, no matter how important all this was, when Violet wanted something, she just strode in a took it.

  Haiden looked up at her with an anxious smile. “Oh, Kristen. Good morning.”

  She didn’t reply but focused her attention on her sister. “What are you doing here, Violet?”

  Violet sniffed and rubbed her eyes. “I needed to see my sister, is that all right? I called you last night, but you never answered.”

  “It doesn’t look like you wanted to see me,” she said, her tone sharp.

  “Haiden said you were still sleeping. We didn’t want to wake you.”

  We. That stung.

  Kristen jammed her hands on her hips, aware Violet hadn’t answered the question. “What are you doing here?” she repeated.

  Violet covered her mouth with her fingers, her eyes casting down, her shoulders shaking. God, she was a good actress when she wanted to be. “I had a panic attack this morning. I thought I was going to die.”

  “Right. But you didn’t. You’re fine.”

  “I don’t know how you can be so calm about everything all the time, Kristen. You went through exactly the same as me, and yet you always seem to hold everything together.”

  Her blood ran cold. She didn’t want Haiden knowing about what their childhood had been like. It wasn’t any of his business, and truthfully, she didn’t want him to think any differently of her.

  �
��This isn’t the time to talk about it.”

  “It never is the time, though, it is, Kristen?” she continued. “You just want to pretend like we didn’t grow up with a completely crazy mother.”

  “Stop it, Violet,” she warned.

  Haiden was looking between them, curiosity sparking in his blue eyes.

  Violet turned to him. “Our mother was batshit,” she told him. “She wasn’t too bad when we were little—or perhaps we didn’t know any different—but then as soon as Kristen hit puberty, she kind of lost it. She couldn’t stand to see us growing up and wanted to keep us as little girls.”

  “She was frightened for us,” Kristen murmured, feeling awkward, uncomfortable. She didn’t want to go through this again and didn’t want Haiden to know about it. But short of throwing herself at her sister and clamping her hand over her mouth, which would look even worse, there wasn’t much she could do.

  “Kristen protected me from the worst of her madness,” Violet said, “but it wasn’t easy. We were horribly picked on at school because we were never allowed the things other teenagers had. Other kids had cool stuff, while we were only allowed dolls, and tea-sets, and we weren’t allowed out. Then eventually she yanked us out of regular school and home-schooled us, which made us even more isolated.”

  “Haiden doesn’t need to know all of this,” Kristen interrupted.

  He glanced up at her. “It’s fine, really. I want to know.”

  But maybe I don’t want you to know, she thought but didn’t say.

  “She wouldn’t accept it when we got our periods, and poor Kristen had to go and steal sanitary products.”

  She blushed at the memory. “Okay, that’s enough now.”

  But Violet hadn’t finished. “I often wonder how Kristen’s going to be when Ollie gets older.” She turned her attention to her sister. “Do you think there’s much of Mum in you, Kristen? Do you think you’ll struggle when Ollie starts to get independent, too?”