Dear Hollis,
In eleventh grade, you said something that has stayed with me to this day. Your mom was back in the hospital. She was dehydrated from how sick the medicines had made her, and she’d gotten a horrible infection from the chemo port. She was in a lot of pain, and it killed you to see her like that. It killed me, too. I had to go home, and we stood in front of the hospital for a long time holding each other. You were crying, and you said,
“I wish I had the strength to make her believe I don’t need her—so she could let go.”
You knew the constant fighting to hang on was difficult and painful for her, but she’d never stop because of you. Sometimes in life, people need help letting go.
Since you’re reading this letter, I’m gone now. But you let me go before today, and that’s what I wanted. What you deserved. You took care of your mother for so many years, selflessly sacrificing your life to be by her side. I couldn’t let you do that for me, too. You deserved so much more—to be free.
So I lied, Hollis. There was never any other man. Three days before you proposed, I was diagnosed with my illness. I’d been trying to find a way to tell you, and in that moment, when I looked at you down on one knee, I realized what telling you would mean.
I knew I had a long battle ahead of me, one that would inevitably end before I was thirty. So I made a rash decision. I told you I’d met someone else so you’d move on.
But over the years, I kept tabs on you, and I realized you weren’t really doing that. So when I found out Hailey had moved in with you, and then I miraculously stumbled upon an ad for a nanny—an ad with the mailing address of your firm—it was fate.
Elodie is an amazing woman, and somehow I just knew you two would hit it off, if I could get her to apply. Everything else happened on its own—the car accident where you met, you hiring her, the beautiful way you two fell in love.
I’m sure you’re both confused right about now. I can’t even imagine the moment when you figured out your Anna was Elodie’s Bree. So I feel I owe you both an explanation, along with an apology.
I’m sorry I lied to you.
I’m sorry I lied to Elodie.
I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t love you enough to be faithful.
I’m sorry I made you doubt your trust in women.
True love means wanting the best for someone, and for you, that didn’t include me.
Take good care of yourself, Hollis. And take good care of my girl. You deserve each other.
Always,
Anna
***
It took me a full hour before I could even get up from the office couch. I read the letter over and over, fearing I’d missed something of importance. But the entire thing was important—every single word. It was the most important message I’d ever received in my life, so precious and sacred, never to be repeated, never to be clarified. This was it. Her final words.
The first read-through was certainly shocking. But the more I read it, the more everything clicked. For the first time since Anna walked out of my life, it all made sense.
When I arrived at my door that night, I paused before opening it. I knew Elodie had received a letter, too. I assumed she was in a similar predicament of confused emotions.
When I finally entered, I saw her sitting alone on the couch.
She got up fast and ran to me, taking me into her arms. The tension in my body dissipated as I allowed myself to be held by her without retreating. I’d resisted her far too much in the past several days. At the very least, we needed this right now.
We held each other for a long time before she finally let me go and said, “I can’t believe it.”
I let out a deep breath and nodded. “But it’s the first time anything has ever made sense to me when it came to her. Even when I saw her lying there in the hospital, it never occurred to me that she could’ve known about her illness before she ended things with me all those years ago.”
Elodie stared off. “I’ve been thinking back to some of the conversations she and I had when I was dating you. I don’t understand how she could’ve endured listening to me go on and on. That took a lot of strength.”
“Everything she did took strength. Handling the stuff about us was a drop in the bucket compared to surviving every day on this Earth knowing she was going to die young.”
I closed my eyes. That got to me the most: the courage it took to live like that.
Elodie seemed more concerned about me than herself as she placed her hands around my face. “Are you going to be okay, Hollis?”
She didn’t realize that even though this news was hard to grasp, it brought me comfort to know my lingering emotions over Anna all these years hadn’t been in vain.
“Reading her letter was jarring, but it’s brought me a strange sense of peace,” I said. “I’d been so conflicted about whether she would’ve wanted me at her funeral, conflicted about why I was so devastated to lose someone who had apparently betrayed me. It’s going to take a while for this to sink in, but I’m more okay today than I was yesterday, if that makes sense. I thought we’d never get answers, that we’d have to live with uncertainty forever. Now we know everything.”
“Yeah.” She sniffled. “We do.”
We moved over to the couch, and Elodie rested her head on my chest. I wrapped my arm around her as we sat in silence. I didn’t want her to leave tonight. I wanted to sleep next to her and bury myself inside her to forget about the pain of this day.
But I wanted those things to comfort myself.
I still didn’t feel right about jumping back into things with Elodie until I was ready to give her everything she deserved. Just when I’d started to think I might be able to try again to pick up my life where it had left off, this new bomb had dropped. Even though it had brought me some peace, it also brought new emotions that had to be dealt with, namely grappling with the realization that Anna never stopped loving me. She’d died knowing I loved someone else. Despite the fact that she’d orchestrated that, I knew it had to be painful for her.
Hailey walked out into the living room. “Are you two okay?”
“Yeah, we’re fine,” I told her.
Her face said she knew that was bullshit.
“No more secrets, guys, remember?”
Elodie looked up at me and mouthed, “Can we tell her?”
I nodded.
“Sit down, Hailey,” Elodie said.
She took a seat on the chair across from us.
Elodie sat up. “Today we both received letters from our friend Brianna.”
“She wrote you from heaven?”
Elodie shook her head. “No. She wrote us before she died.”
“Oh. What did she say?”
“She admitted something neither of us ever knew.”
“What?”
I spoke before Elodie had to explain it. “Apparently, she found out about her illness just before she ended things with me all those years ago. And so the reason I believed we’d broken up all these years wasn’t true.”
“She lied?”
“It’s complicated, but she didn’t want me to have to suffer knowing she was sick and watching her die, the way I’d had to with my mother. So she pretended to choose to leave so I…wouldn’t love her anymore.”
Hailey looked down at the floor. “That’s so sad.”
“I know,” I said. “It’s a prime example of selflessness.”
“What did she write to you, Elodie?”
“Well, she actually told us both something that’s really pretty unbelievable. She was the one who set me up to apply for this job. She somehow knew it was your uncle’s listing and planned the whole thing so I would meet him. She hoped we would fall for each other.”
Hailey’s eyes moved back and forth as she processed that information. “I always thought God sent you. But it was Anna? She’s better than God.”
Elodie smiled. “She’s basically an angel, both while she was here and beyond.”
“So if she wants you guy
s together, why are you so sad?” Hailey asked.
Elodie looked at me. That answer wasn’t a simple one.
“I guess we’re still trying to accept how hard it must’ve been for her,” I said.
Hailey got up from her seat and gave me a hug, which was rare. “Thank you for telling me.” Then she hugged Elodie, too.
Talking it out with Hailey had actually helped lessen the tension a bit.
Yet as much as I wanted Elodie to stay the night, I let her walk out the door—again.
Chapter 47
* * *
Hollis
In the weeks that followed, I did something I’d never done in my entire career: I took actual time off. The only thing was, no one knew about it—besides Addison.
I needed the time to myself, to think and let everything that had happened in the past month sink in.
So, I’d leave for “work” in the morning, letting Elodie think I was going to the office. Meanwhile, I’d wander the city, eating in various diners or buying meals for the homeless. One afternoon, I went to a Yankees game. Another day, I visited Anna’s grave to give her a piece of my mind for ever believing it was better for me to spend those years without her. Then I bent down and kissed the gravestone, making sure she knew I understood the decision she ultimately made.
As I got to the end of my self-imposed hiatus, I found myself longing for Elodie more and more. Given that school had started again for Hailey, there was no reason Elodie couldn’t have been by my side during this time off.
My last stop on Friday afternoon felt like the right place to end my “staycation.”
When I entered the pediatric oncology unit of the hospital, I went straight to Sean’s room. I’d been visiting him every day since I started playing hooky from work. So when I walked in today and his belongings were gone, the walls bare, I froze.
A woman came up behind me. “Can I help you?”
“Yes, I was looking for Sean.”
“He changed rooms, but he’s still here. He’s meeting with his therapist right now. I’m his mother.”
Relief washed over me. “Ah. I see.”
I’d nearly had a heart attack thinking that something had happened to him; I couldn’t take another goddamn loss.
She tilted her head. “And you are?”
“I’m Hollis...a friend of his.”
“You’re the guy who bought the video game console. Sean said someone close to you was in the hospital here, and you stop in every day to take a break and play some games with him.”
“Yes. That’s me.”
“That’s so nice of you.”
“It’s been my pleasure. Sean is a great kid.”
“Would you like to sit for a bit? Why don’t I grab us coffees?”
“Sure. That would be great.”
“How do you take it?”
“Black.”
“Okay. Be right back.”
She disappeared for a couple of minutes, leaving me to sit alone in the common area outside Sean’s old room. Someone wheeled a little kid with a shaved head past me. Being here always put things in perspective.
Sean’s mother returned with two steaming coffees in Styrofoam cups.
I took one. “Thank you.”
“I’m Kara, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you. Do you live close by?”
“We rent an apartment around the corner from here to be closer to him. Our house is an hour away in New Jersey.”
“I assume you’re here every day?”
“Yes. In fact, next weekend will be the first time I won’t see my son for a few days. My husband and I are going to Aruba to renew our wedding vows. We’re doing it for Sean. He’s too sick to go with us, but he insisted we take this trip.”
“Is that right?”
“He said he was sick and tired of our depressing asses and wants us to go live life a little.”
“Depressing asses. That’s pretty funny.”
“That’s my son for ya. He said the only thing worse than being stuck here is watching us stuck here all the time as well. My husband and I don’t leave his side for too long. But you know, I never saw things from his perspective until recently. He admitted that the worst part of being sick wasn’t even the illness, but the burden he felt he was placing on us. Can you believe that?”
My thoughts immediately went to Anna.
“Yeah.” I stared off. “I actually can.”
“So...we’re going away for Sean, renewing those vows and living it up for a weekend in Aruba. He’ll be with us in spirit. And we’re gonna take lots of photos and send them to him. That’s the one thing he insisted on. He said, ‘You’d better promise to take pictures, Mom and Dad. Don’t go all the way to Aruba and not document it. Don’t be dumb.’” She laughed.
I grinned. “He’s an amazing kid.”
“It took me a long time to agree to go. I didn’t feel like I could go away and enjoy myself when he’s so sick. But he said, ‘Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean you and Dad can’t enjoy your life. Because if not, it’s three people dying, not one. You can still laugh, Mom. You can still get dressed up and do all the things you used to do. Every day that passes where all you do is sit here and watch me really hurts, because it makes me feel like your life stopped for me.’”
Wow.
That hit close to home.
“Are you okay?” she asked, likely seeing the effect her words had on me.
“Yes. What he told you just really resonates with me.”
I thought about all the things I’d be missing if I continued to endlessly mourn Anna. I wasn’t guaranteed an infinite amount of time on this Earth myself. No one was. Elodie had been so patient with me. It was time to let myself feel all of the things my soul had been yearning to experience again. My brain had been the one putting a stop to it, and that needed to end.
“I’m more than okay, Kara—more okay than I have been in a long while. Because I’m pretty sure someone very special to me who recently passed away led me to this spot to hear you say what you just did.”
Suddenly, I couldn’t get to Elodie fast enough.
I stood up. “Thank you. Please tell Sean I’ll be back to visit him soon. In fact, I’ll come keep him company when you’re away next weekend.”
“I most certainly will. And that sounds great. He’ll appreciate that.”
The cool fall air hit me as I exited the hospital. It had been raining on the way in, but the sun was now peeking out. I looked up at the sky. There was a rainbow—a rarity over the city.
“Beautiful girl,” I whispered. “There you are.”
I weaved through the crowded streets with my eyes focused on the colorful beams of light. “I get the point now,” I told her. “I heard you loud and clear. I’m gonna start doing this life justice in your honor and enjoying the gift you gave me—Elodie. And I promise to take lots of pictures.”
Chapter 48
* * *
Elodie
I’d never cleaned so much in my life. Hollis’s apartment was spotless because I’d been taking all my nervous energy out on it. It had been a couple of weeks since we’d received Bree’s letters. I knew her intent was to bring us closer, to let us know we had her blessing. Yet for Hollis, it wasn’t that simple. He still needed to come to terms with the fact that everything he’d thought he knew was a lie.
I’d been giving him as much space as I could, but it was frustrating. I missed him. I missed his touch. I missed his attention. Maybe that was selfish, but I did. I felt lonely and wanted him back.
But you can’t force someone to get over something that’s haunting them. They need to do it on their own terms.
Just because I understood his behavior, though, didn’t mean I wasn’t starting to lose patience. The one thing no amount of reflection or time could do was bring Bree back. So why not try to get our lives back?
The door burst open, and I nearly dropped the broom I’d been holding because it scared the shit out of me. Holl
is wasn’t due home for another couple of hours, and Hailey had gone to a friend’s house after school for a sleepover.
“What are you doing home?”
“I am finally home.” He was out of breath as he said, “I’m so sorry I’ve been stuck in my head for so long.”
It was as if my Hollis had come out of a coma. He rushed to me and brought me into an embrace.
Thank you, God.
Speaking into his chest, I breathed him in and said, “You don’t need to apologize.”
“Yes, I do. You needed me, and I failed you.” Hollis pressed his lips against mine, and my entire body came alive.
After he kissed me hard, he said, “I’ve missed you so much. I’ve just been afraid to admit it, afraid to feel things I perceived as selfish. Not to mention, I’ve been lying to you for two weeks.”
My heart started to palpitate. Lying? “What do you mean?”
“I haven’t been working in the office. I’ve been wandering the city, eating at every greasy spoon I could find—just doing nothing. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I didn’t want to tell you because I felt like I should’ve asked you to come with me. But I needed to be alone. I needed to not work and just…be.”
Wow. “Where else did you go?”
“Lots of random places. A Yankees game, the park—I played video games with Sean at the hospital, and I visited Anna’s grave. But I finally found the light at the end of the rainbow, so to speak. Today I went to the pediatric oncology ward, and it’s a long story, but something important finally clicked while I was there.”
“What was that?”
“It’s okay to smile in the midst of darkness. It’s okay to be happy—our loved ones want that. I’m not gonna feel sorry anymore for loving you, Elodie. I’m not gonna feel sorry for fucking you hard up against the wall tonight. I’m not gonna feel guilty for any of it.”
Practically leaping into his arms, I wrapped my legs around him as we kissed. It felt incredible to be in Hollis’s arms like this again.
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