Whoops! Our New Flatmate Is A Human (A Susan Hall Mystery Book 1)

by Adele Abbott

“He won’t dump me.” Molly smirked. “I’ll make sure of that.”

  “We’ll see. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Do you know what he had the audacity to do this morning?”

  “What?”

  “He only took my synthetic blood out of the fridge, and put it in the bread bin.”

  Molly laughed. “Why did he put it in there?”

  “It’s not where he put it that matters. It’s the fact he moved it at all.”

  “Why did he?”

  “Because your darling Neil said it made him feel queasy when he was eating his porridge.”

  “I suppose the sight of blood can be a bit off-putting to non-vampires.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re sticking up for him?”

  “No, I’m just saying that not everybody shares our taste for blood.”

  Dorothy sighed. “Anyway, we’ll be getting a new flatmate soon.”

  “I thought you’d given up on that? How come it’s taken so long to find someone?”

  “Because of that stupid ghost that Neil invited in. The room is freezing.”

  “Have you had many people look around?”

  “Yeah, loads. The trouble is half of them were humans, and we definitely don’t want a human. The others didn’t fancy sharing their room with a ghost.”

  “What makes you so sure you’re going to find someone now?”

  “It’s been taken out of our hands. The landlord came around this morning because we’re behind on the rent again. He said he was going to find somebody for us.”

  “So you don’t know who it’s going to be?”

  “No idea. Another female in the place would be good. I don’t think I could handle another guy in there.”

  “Charlie’s all right though, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah, Charlie’s a big softy. He’s got a heart of gold, and he’s a good-looking guy. Women go crazy for him, but he’s totally oblivious. There’s a witch on the floor above ours. She’s always flirting outrageously with him, but he doesn’t even realise. But much as I like Charlie, he drives me crazy with those stupid fairies and that smelly cat.”

  “I didn’t think you could have pets in your apartment.”

  “We can’t, but Charlie has practically adopted a stray. It turns up once or twice a day. I’ve warned him that if Redman catches us with a cat in the apartment, we’ll all be thrown out. Besides which, I’ve never liked cats. They all have an attitude problem. I have a friend, Jill, she was the one who got me my first job in Washbridge. She has a cat in her office, and it’s the ugliest thing you ever did see. It’s only got one eye. She calls it Blinky, or Dinky, or something.”

  “I didn’t realise Charlie still had those two fairies in his room.”

  “They’ve become a permanent fixture. I could understand it if he was charging them rent, but he’s letting them stay there for free.”

  “That sounds like Charlie.”

  “I don’t know how he puts up with them. All they do is squabble. And that Bunty? She’s a real piece of work.”

  ***

  “Are you sure you don’t mind if I come up to your apartment?” Molly had that wicked glint in her eye—the one Dorothy had seen many times before.

  “I’m telling you, Neil is bad news.”

  “I’ll risk it. And besides, I’m starving. Could you spare a little of your synthetic blood?”

  “Sure, there’s a couple of bottles in the fridge. Unless of course, Neil’s put them back in the bread bin.”

  When they got inside, Charlie was sitting at the breakfast bar. Neil was in the lounge, reading a book on his e-reader.

  “Hey, gorgeous!” Neil shouted. “Dorothy didn’t tell me you were coming. I would have got changed.”

  “No need.” Molly fluttered her eyelashes. “I like that shirt,”

  Dorothy rolled her eyes.

  “Hello, Molly,” Charlie shouted.

  “Hiya. I hear you’ve been chatting up your neighbour from upstairs.”

  “Who told you that?” He blushed. “I’ve done no such thing.”

  “No need to be shy, Charlie. Anyway, where’s that blood? I’m starving.”

  Dorothy led the way towards the fridge, and had just pulled the door open, when Charlie slammed it shut again.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” She glared at him.

  “Shush!” He pointed towards the fourth bedroom.

  “What’s going on?”

  “We’ve got a new flatmate, and she’s a—”

  “Hi.” Susan appeared. “One of you must be Dorothy.”

  “That’s me.” Dorothy couldn’t believe her eyes. Susan was a human! She turned back to Molly, and realised that her friend’s gaze was fixed on Susan’s neck. She knew she had to act quickly, so she grabbed Molly by the arm, and dragged her back to the door.

  “Have you forgotten you have an appointment in ten minutes, Molly?”

  Molly looked confused. “What appointment?”

  Dorothy practically pushed her out of the door.

  “She’s a human!” Molly said, once they were out on the landing. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t know. This is the first time I’ve seen her.”

  “I’m starving. Can’t you just go back in, and get me some synthetic blood?”

  “How can I when she’s in there?”

  “Did you see her neck? I really wanted to sink my teeth into it.”

  “Time for you to go, Molly.” Dorothy ushered her towards the stairs.

  After she was sure Molly had left, Dorothy joined the others in the lounge.

  “Now we’re all together,” Susan said. “I’d just like to say that I’m a little embarrassed that I’ve been dropped on you like this. I realise this isn’t the way things are usually done. The landlord offered me the room, and said I had to make a decision right there and then, otherwise I wouldn’t get the place.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Charlie said. “It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s ours for dragging our heels.”

  “Yeah. Don’t worry about it.” Neil shuffled along the sofa to get a little closer to Susan. “We’re really glad you’re here. It’s nice to have another female in the place, isn’t it, Dorothy?”

  “Yeah.” Dorothy forced a smile. “Really nice.”

  “Susan’s a reporter,” Charlie said.

  “For The Bugle?” Dorothy looked horrified.

  “Yeah, I started there today.”

  “She used to work in London,” Charlie said. “Didn’t you, Susan?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Why would you leave London for this dump?” Dorothy clearly thought she was crazy.

  “This is my hometown. Anyway, I have to say this apartment is fantastic. It’s much larger than I’ve been used to.”

  “It needs to be with Charlie around.” Neil grinned.

  “Shut it, you!” Charlie snapped.

  “I tell you what,” Susan said. “Why don’t I order takeaway for us all, as a thank you for letting me join you? How does pizza sound?”

  “I’m up for that,” Charlie said.

  “Yeah, count me in.” Neil gave her a thumbs up.

  “Okay.” Dorothy couldn’t have sounded any less enthusiastic.

  Susan brought up an app on her phone, and quickly located a local takeaway.

  “I’ll just get my credit card, and get it ordered. I won’t be long.”

  As soon as Susan was in her bedroom, Dorothy turned to the other two. “What’s going on? We can’t have a human living with us!”

  “It doesn’t look like we have much choice,” Neil said. “If Redman has said she can have the room, what are we meant to do about it?”

  “I have to get my blood out of the fridge before she sees it.” Dorothy stood up.

  “She’s already seen it,” Charlie said. “When she went to get the milk for the tea.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She asked what it was.”

  “What did yo
u tell her?”

  “I said it was an iron supplement that you had to take.”

  “Did she buy that?”

  “She seemed to.”

  “I’ve still got to get it out of here.” Dorothy hurried over to the fridge, grabbed the two bottles of synthetic blood, and then dashed out of the apartment. After racing up to the next floor, she knocked on the door of the second apartment on the left.

  “Dorothy?” A female vampire answered the door. “Are you okay?”

  “No, Tilly. I am most decidedly not okay.”

  “Why? And what’s with the blood?”

  “I need you to do me a favour.”

  “Go on.”

  “Our landlord’s let the fourth bedroom to a human.”

  “He’s done what?”

  “I know. A human living with us three? How’s that ever going to work?”

  “It’s going to spoil things around here.” Tilly sighed. “This whole apartment block has always been human-free. I thought we were going to keep it that way.”

  “So did I, but we didn’t have any say in the matter. Redman’s told her she can have the room. I can’t keep this blood in the fridge now she’s there. Is there any chance you could keep it in yours?”

  “No problem. You’ve got a key to my place, haven’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well then, you can bring it up here and collect it whenever you want.”

  “Thanks, Tilly. Here.” She passed the bottles to her friend. “I’d better get back down there before she realises I’ve gone.”

  The pizza arrived thirty minutes later. Charlie devoured his in a matter of seconds, much to Susan’s amazement.

  “Charlie tells me you work in a fancy dress shop, Neil.”

  “Yeah, I’m the manager there. These two used to work with me not so very long ago, but they’ve both deserted the sinking ship.”

  “And Dorothy? You work in a bookshop?”

  “Yeah, like Neil said, I used to work at the fancy dress shop too, but it wasn’t for me. The bookshop is a couple of doors down from Neil’s shop. I work with Molly—who you just met—briefly.”

  “That must be a great job. I’ve always thought I’d like to work in a bookshop.”

  “It’s okay, but to be honest, a lot of the time it’s boring. Most of the people who come in just want to sit around and read. Your job sounds really interesting. What sort of things will you be investigating?”

  “Something that will rock Washbridge, hopefully. If any of you come across anything that you think might make a good headline, let me know.”

  “You mean like a vampire invasion?” Neil laughed.

  Dorothy didn’t.

  Chapter 7

  Susan was glad she’d put plenty of covers on her bed—she’d needed them. The room had become even colder during the night. And then there had been the constant knocking sound. She assumed it must be the pipes, and that it was probably connected to the heating problem. She’d eventually fallen asleep about one o’clock.

  There was no one else around when she peeked out of her bedroom. The others obviously weren’t early risers. That was good news because it meant she wouldn’t have to wait for the shower.

  By the time Susan was dressed, Dorothy was up. She was in the kitchen, wearing a dressing gown.

  “Morning!” Susan called.

  Dorothy didn’t look up, but did manage a grunt.

  “Are you making tea?”

  “Yep.”

  This was proving to be harder work than Susan had hoped it might be.

  “I don’t suppose you could make me one while you’re at it, could you?”

  Dorothy sighed. “How do you take it?”

  “Milk and one sugar, please.”

  “You’ll have to pass me the milk out of the fridge. I don’t take it.”

  The first thing Susan noticed when she opened the fridge door, was that the middle shelf was empty.

  “Your iron supplement’s gone.” She passed the milk to Dorothy.

  “Supplement? Oh yeah, it—err—it was out of date, so I threw it away.”

  “Will you have to get more?”

  “No. I don’t need it now. I’ve finished the course.”

  “Have you been poorly?”

  “No. It was just a hormone thing. Everything’s back to normal now.”

  Dorothy pushed the cup of tea over to Susan, and then went back to staring at her phone; she made no attempt at conversation. Susan had the distinct impression that Dorothy wasn’t thrilled to have her as a new flatmate, but she decided to persevere.

  “What system do you guys have for sharing the housework?”

  Dorothy glanced up. “Sorry?”

  “The housework? I just wondered how you share it out? Do you have some sort of rota?”

  “Nah, it just kind of gets done.” Dorothy went back to her phone.

  There was no way Susan could live with the apartment as it was. It took ‘untidy’ to a whole new level. There were clothes, and papers and all manner of stuff scattered everywhere. All of the surfaces looked as though they could do with dusting, and the floor needed vacuuming.

  “Maybe we should have an FM,” Susan suggested.

  “Have a what?”

  “An FM? You know, a Flatmates’ Meeting. That’s what we used to call it in London. Don’t you call it that here?”

  “I can’t say I’ve ever heard the term.”

  “Don’t you think it would be a good idea?”

  Dorothy shrugged.

  Susan decided not to press the issue. Maybe she would raise it again when all of them were together. Perhaps the two guys would be a bit more enthusiastic. They certainly couldn’t be any less so.

  “I suppose I’d better get going.” Susan grabbed her handbag. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  Dorothy didn’t respond.

  As soon as Susan had left, Dorothy hurried over to Charlie’s room, and hammered on the door. “Charlie! Get up! Get out here now!”

  A voice came from inside. “What’s the matter? Is there a fire?”

  “Just get out here now!”

  She then rushed over to Neil’s room, and knocked on his door. “Neil, get up!”

  “Go away!”

  “Get out here now!”

  “What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you’ve lost your blood again.”

  A few minutes later, the three of them were seated in the lounge. Charlie and Neil were on the sofa; both of them still looked half asleep. Dorothy sat opposite them in the armchair.

  “She’s got to go!” Dorothy said.

  “Who’s got to go?” Neil yawned. “Are you on about that cat again?”

  “Not the cat. The human! Susan whatever her name is.”

  “I like Susan.” Charlie blinked away the sleep. “She’s nice.”

  “Nice?” Dorothy was red in the face. “Nice?”

  “I think she fancies me,” Neil said.

  “You think every woman fancies you.”

  “Why does she have to go?” Charlie said. “We’ve got to have a fourth flatmate. Redman said so. If we chuck her out, he’ll chuck us out.”

  “I’ll give you four reasons why she has to go. Are you both listening?”

  They nodded.

  “Number one: she’s a human! As in, not a sup. She’s the only human in the whole of this apartment block. How can we be ourselves around her?”

  “I don’t think it will be a problem,” Charlie said.

  “What about when it’s a full moon? What then?”

  “I usually go back to Candlefield.”

  “That’s not the only time you turn though, is it? What about when you get really angry?”

  “That doesn’t happen very often.”

  “It only needs to happen once. If the human sees you go werewolf, what do you think she’s going to do?”

  “I suppose that could be awkward.”

  “Awkward? It would be more than awkward. And you, Neil, you can’t leave t
he magic alone.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “You’re always using it. If she sees you, what do you think will happen?”

  “I’ll be discreet.”

  “Discreet?” Dorothy laughed. “You don’t know the meaning of the word. And then there’s reason number two: I can’t keep my food in our apartment. I’ve had to take it upstairs to Tilly’s. Every time I need blood, I have to go traipsing up there.”

  “It’s not that far,” Charlie said.

  “Oh well, that’s okay then.” Dorothy could barely contain her anger. “So, you’d be quite happy to walk up a flight of stairs every time you wanted something to eat?”

  “Well, no—”

  “Exactly. And neither am I.”

  “You could always keep it in the bread bin.” Neil laughed.

  Dorothy fixed him with her gaze. “No, Neil, I can’t keep my blood in the bread bin. It needs to be in that fridge.”

  “I told her it was your iron supplement,” Charlie said. “She seemed to accept that.”

  “Maybe, but don’t you think she’s going to get curious sooner or later? What do you think will happen when she realises it’s synthetic blood? And even if I did keep it in the fridge, I still can’t drink it while she’s around. And reason number three: she asked about our housework rota.”

  “What rota?” Neil said.

  “We don’t have one, do we?” Charlie said.

  “Exactly. And we don’t need one. There’s nothing wrong with this place, but she wants to hold an FM tonight.”

  “Full moon?” Charlie looked puzzled.

  “Not a full moon—a flatmates’ meeting. Apparently, in London, that’s what they do. They hold meetings to discuss housework rotas.”

  “I don’t like that idea,” Neil said.

  “No, me neither,” Charlie agreed. “We already keep this place tidy, don’t we?”

  They all nodded.

  “And last but not least,” Dorothy continued. “Reason number four: She’s an investigative reporter, and is looking for a big story to make her name. If we don’t get rid of her, we may turn out to be her big story.”

  “I still don’t see how we can get her out,” Charlie said.

  “You need to have a word with Socky, Neil,” Dorothy said.

  “I’ve told you. He won’t move out.”

  “We don’t want him to move out now. We want him to scare Susan to death, so she can’t wait to get out of here.”