“I wish I could give you an answer, but I don’t even know myself where I was last night.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? You can’t remember your night? Nothing at all?”
“No,” I said sheepishly. I couldn’t tell Liam anything. It would only put him in danger with the Lappell.
“James, this is out of control.” He shook his head, his hand rubbing his neck. “It was never meant to get this far.”
The way he said that made me think Anais had told him everything. She must have confided in her uncle about being in the Lappell and how I was joining to be with her.
“What did Anais tell you? Did she tell you...?” I didn’t know what question to ask next. I had no idea if she had just revealed tiny parts or if she had laid it all out to her uncle.
“She told me everything James. She trusts me.”
I believed what Liam was saying, but I still struggled to accept it, especially knowing how the Lappell would react if they found out she told her uncle. “I can’t believe she did that. She wouldn’t do that to you.”
“Don’t be angry. You both need my help.”
“How can you help me professor? Or Anais for that matter? Don’t you know what she’s in? What her parents are in? What these people are capable of?”
Liam held my gaze but didn’t answer any of the questions I had just thrown at him. But his silence said enough. It told me he wasn’t allowed to talk about the Lappell either. He must have known of her involvement...and now mine. Yet the risk of the knowledge didn’t deter him from trying to save his niece.
“I’m sending you home James. Back to France. As soon as possible. You need to leave this place immediately. Tonight if we can get you a flight.”
His demands floored me. I couldn’t believe what I just heard. From my professor of all people.
“Who do you think you are? I’m not leaving here. I’m not leaving Anais. That’s out of the question.” I started to back away from Liam, feeling as if he was trying to take Anais away from me. Like he had another agenda. Like he thought he could make decisions for me. “Look, I’m in love with her. No, I’m wrong. It’s more than that...it’s bigger than love.”
“James...you need to listen to me right now. It’s very important. Sometimes when you love someone, the greatest way to show that love is by letting it go. Sometimes you need to step away for the greater good. Real true love is self-sacrifice. It’s the ultimate act of that emotion. You have an artist’s heart James. You are good through and through. You don’t belong in Anais’ world. It will only hurt you both. You have to leave. Now. Tonight. For her sake and yours.”
“No!” I yelled. I was genuinely pained and offended by such a suggestion. And what gave him the right to tell me to leave and give up on Anais? I was so angry. Angry at the Lappell. Angry at Liam. Angry at this place. “You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my father!” As the words left my mouth, I stepped back in shock. I had never said such a thing before. To anyone. Not even to my step-dad. But the anger kept coming. I couldn’t stop it. Everything I ever denied myself from saying was coming out. “And what do you know about love anyway...professor?” I hissed the professor part, feeling hurt at his request that I should leave and walk away from Anais. The idea alone was stabbing my heart, making me feel pain I was not ready to feel. “Is that why you’re here all alone in this big cold house with nothing but your sculptures and your paintings? Without anyone. Without love? Is that what you did? You just walked away from someone. Threw your hands in the air and said, “I give up!” Well I’m not you. I’m going to fight for her. I’m going to do whatever it takes to be with her. Even if that means joining...” I trailed off. How far would I go? I knew the answer to that question. I would go all the way. I had every intention of joining the Lappell so we could have some version of a happily ever after. It was enough for me. That would be my sacrifice for Anais.
I shook my head, talking to myself now. “You don’t understand professor. I would rather die than be without that girl. I can’t just walk away and watch her from afar. That’s not who I am... and that’s not what we are to each other.”
Liam swallowed when I said that. There was a look I tried to place on his face. Was it understanding? Or was it something else?
Liam next spoke slowly and softly. “James, I get it. There’s something deep inside you that would never give up on the girl you love. You would do whatever it takes. That passion for love is part of your true nature. I can see that. But you don’t understand what’s happening. Your life is at risk. So is hers. This is a lot bigger than just the two of you...”
I suddenly switched off. I had had enough. I couldn’t listen to anymore from the professor. I was wasting precious seconds not finding Anais. I had to get out of there. NOW.
“I have to go,” I said, backing away and out of the room.
“Wait James!” The professor’s hands went up into the air, trying to get me to stop. “You need to stay here. There are things we need to talk about further. There is more you need to know. You can’t leave...”
“I’m going to find Anais,” I simply said. I turned and took off; out of the library and sprinting down all the halls and corridors until I was out of the house and back on my motorbike.
{22}
I never thought I’d be the fleeing type of guy, but here I was — fleeing. Fleeing from Liam’s request. Fleeing from the idea of going back to France. Fleeing from people who were lying to my face and giving me nothing except ‘need to know’ pieces of information. I think I was even fleeing from this version of myself who was actually entertaining the idea of trusting Byron and the Lappell. I don’t know who that guy was and where he came from, but he wasn’t me. Was he? At least under Byron I would be heading towards Anais and not in the opposite direction. My head could only go where my heart wanted to follow, even if Byron may have some ulterior motive. But what was the better option in all this...accepting my fate or fighting it?
At the back of my mind, I hadn’t forgotten what Byron and Deacon did to Anais. Their threats and their assault to both her and her cousin. There would come a time when I could properly demonstrate my real feelings of their treatment to Seth and the girl I love. When my head was clear and I had the opportunity, I would find a way to take revenge. But I had to tread cautiously at this time. Byron wanted me in the Lappell, and the president, whoever he was, as well as Professor Aston, wanted me out. He even wanted me to go back to France for reasons that still were unclear to me. Maybe it would have been more obvious if I could think properly. Maybe I couldn’t see what was going on because I was still lost in a haze of emotional turmoil. Was my love for Anais really clouding my judgment that much that it stopped me from seeing how much danger I was putting myself in? But — there was something about all this that didn’t feel wrong at all. And I didn’t know why. I had always been so sure of where I stood morally and what I wanted to do with my life. But I was quickly learning that love has a way of changing you, including your perceptions and interpretations. You start to make up your own rules. You ignore logic. You deny yourself reason. You are willing to see what you want to see. Fuck — was that me? Was Anais right in that field after all? Is that my weakness; that I see what I want to see?
I was going a lot faster than I should have been travelling on my motorbike, but the drive was to get to Anais. I had a feeling after leaving Liam’s that she would be waiting for me back at my apartment. There was no speed fast enough that I could go when she was in my head. I knew I was being reckless...dangerous...out of control. And it felt good. Knowing I was heading towards Anais, and not away.
I was almost back at my apartment when a black Audi pulled out in front of my bike. It nearly caused me to come off, but instead I was able to swerve and screech to a stop. My hands shaking out of rage for the person who just endangered my life.
Once I braked and was able to turn around, I saw Byron standing up against the car, arms crossed. He looked unfazed. A callous look on his face not hi
ding the fact he wasn’t remorseful for almost running me off the road.
“Sorry,” he simply said as I slowly drove up and stopped next to him. I knew that’s all I would get. Byron wasn’t about to apologize for his actions and his detachment to human life.
“What do you want now?” I said sounding agitated. The guy just kept appearing out of nowhere like some magic trick. But I knew the more realistic explanation was that the Lappell were probably watching and waiting for me. I shouldn’t have been shocked by his sudden presence.
“Plans have changed,” he said pushing himself off his car. “We’re kidnapping you before you’re sworn in tomorrow.” He laughed, making a point that he wasn’t being serious. Then he stopped his laughter instantly like he pushed a button to halt. His mood shift was that fast. “I mean you’re coming with me right now. It’s tradition to spend the night with us before initiation.”
I didn’t want to argue with the guy, but I had much more pressing problems. Namely the girl-who-grew-in-my-heart’s location, feelings, and what she heard in the tent. I needed to see her before tomorrow.
“But I’m trying to find Anais. It’s important. Can’t I just meet you later?”
My cell phone started ringing as if on cue. Byron didn’t look surprised. Instead he leaned back on his car, crossing his arms again. “Ah…speak of the devil.” Byron looked impressed, eyebrows raised, waiting for me to answer.
I took my cell out of my jacket pocket and saw that it was indeed Anais’ name flashing up on the screen. In true Lappell form — the fiends were at play.
“Anais?” I asked, feeling as if this timed call was a big set-up. I could already hear how nervous she was through her short breaths.
“James? I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Are you alright?” She sounded flustered. Panicked. Desperate.
“I’m okay. I’m sorry about last night. I don’t know where I went and what I did. I can’t remember anything.”
“That’s fine. I understand...” She still sounded urgent. “But are you okay...right now I mean?” She knew. She must have known what was happening and where I was. The real question I heard in her words was, “Are you safe?”
“I don’t know.” I looked pessimistically at Byron, not sure what his plans were. “But I can take care of myself. I’m more worried about you. Where are you right now?”
“I’m...uhhh...” she coughed. “I’m busy.”
She couldn’t tell me. Why? Was someone stopping her from telling me? If not Byron...then Deacon perhaps?
“Can I come see you?” My eyes flicked up to Byron again, who looked like he was getting impatient with the length of our call. He even glanced at his Rolex to check the time.
“No, I can’t see you,” Anais said rather rushed. “Not at the moment. I have some errands to run. And besides, isn’t Byron taking you out?”
“How did you know that?”
Silence. Something muffled covered her cell before I could hear her clearly again.
“Anais?”
“It’s tradition right?” Her voice cracking. I knew right then and there, they had Anais and they were stopping us from seeing each other. She knew something. Whatever happened last night in that tent was the reason. There was something Byron and his crew didn’t want me to know.
“But I need to see you.” I pleaded with her again, knowing it was futile. But I wanted her to hear the urgency in the sound of my voice. My need to be with her. To give her comfort that I wasn’t going to do this without her.
“I...uhhh...we can see each other tomorrow at the ceremony. I’ll be there...waiting for you. I promise.”
Silence filled the line between our cells. Unspoken words of precaution and safety. Warnings to watch my back and for her to watch hers. We didn’t need to say any of those things to know it was in our heads through the forced quiet of our conversation. I knew right away I had to be careful. Everything rested on my compliance and tomorrow.
“James...” she whispered, like she was trying to have a private moment with me.
“Yes Anais?”
“I love you.”
I felt such relief hearing those words. They gave me strength, courage and most of all, determination to see this through until we were together again. I held onto those words, allowing them to repeat over and over in my head like fuel to the fire lit beneath me, igniting my spirit, and keeping me on this crazy ride.
“I love you too,” I said back, hoping she could hear the same message through those three simple yet meaningful words.
More muffling sounds covered her cell. “I’ve gotta go,” she quickly said and hung up.
I stared at my cell wanting to crush it in my fist. I didn’t know where Anais was or what was happening, but I wanted her with me. I wanted my arms around her. Protecting her and holding her tight. I couldn’t be her hero if they were keeping us apart. The only way I could keep her safe was by following instructions. Something that wasn’t a part of who I really was, but something I was learning fast to do.
Byron’s impatience rumbled in my ear. “C’mon Riley. Let’s get going.”
“What about my bike? I’m not going to just leave it here on the side of the road.”
“I’ll make sure it’s taken back to your apartment safely. Now get in the car. We’ve got a long night ahead.”
I pushed my bike even further off the road and set it up near one of the trees. I was shaking my head as I did it, not at all happy with my new plans.
“Don’t look so worried James. If you just do what I say, you’ll see Anais tomorrow at the ceremony. Just don’t make this harder than it needs to be. And besides, you should feel lucky. What we are giving you, is more than you’ve ever hoped for. Believe me.”
I scoffed at what he said. “A club that has to practically force their members to join doesn’t sound like it has our best interests at heart.”
“I think you’ll be surprised how much you’ll feel like you belong. But if tonight isn’t enough to convince you, then I’m sure knowing that Anais can’t be yours without us, is enough.”
At least that much was true. Anais was my reason for all my actions. And she was most certainly enough. I climbed into the Audi and stared out at the woods as Byron started the car and began driving. Even though my head was still stuffy from the flashback, there was part of it that could still analyze and potentially source information I could use to my advantage. I needed to use this opportunity to learn more about Byron. Look for hints of weakness. Something I could use against him. I needed more artillery than just my fists and a fractured mind if I was to somehow come out on top in the end. Something told me that once I was in the Lappell, I would be looking for a way out. And I would be taking Anais with me.
“So you’re a legacy...right?” I asked Byron after we had been driving for a while. I wondered how much personal information he’d be willing to give someone like me. Was his past a secret or did he wear it proudly?
Byron’s head turned in a way that showed he didn’t expect me to ask him any questions at all. “Yeah...my Dad’s a member. Why do you ask?”
“Just trying to understand why a smart guy like you is interested in all this. You don’t seem like the type of guy who needs a secret society to give you power and money. I mean, you could get it all on your own, without being carried. Riding their coat-tails...so to speak.”
Byron didn’t say anything for a long time. I wasn’t sure if I had offended him or if he’d thought about those types of statements before. I wasn’t even sure he was going to give me a response. Then after what felt like hours, but was only a few long drawn-out minutes, Byron started speaking. He didn’t sound like an authoritative figure. He sounded childlike. An innocence in the way he his eyes ghosted over and kept staring at the wheel.
“Let me tell you a story James,” he said, keeping his eyes on the road. “When I was fourteen years old, my father took me deer hunting in the woods behind our estate. Back then, I was a scared piss-weak little boy. I’d n
ever held a gun before. Never taken the life of anything. And to be honest, hunting didn’t even appeal to me.” I could see Byron’s knuckles get whiter as he gripped the steering wheel with more force. “I remember it was one of the coldest winters we’d had in years that particular year. You know...the kind of winter that makes you wish for summer to come sooner so you can watch it all melt away. And somehow I found myself in those woods, with a rifle in my hands and instructions from my father that I couldn’t come home unless I shot a deer. There were a lot of deer that used to come around those woods. I often played there. It wasn’t too far from my house. And one year I got so close, I almost pet one.” Byron shook his head. “My Dad only gave me one bottle of water and a few biscuits in a small backpack. Fuck...I remember it was so cold, that I could barely feel my fingers when I held that gun.”
“Your father told you that you couldn’t come home until you killed a deer?” It was hard to believe such a story. And if what he just said was true, it was a shocking piece of the Byron Fraylock puzzle. Byron gritted his teeth, saying nothing but giving me an answer all the same. Saying yes is sometimes harder to say than no.
“So he just left you out there in the freezing cold?”
It was then I saw Byron’s expression change. Whatever he had to do...whatever he had to learn, it had changed him. “My father was teaching me not to be scared of what might happen if I didn’t do it. He was teaching me the power of determination. Of what I’d get if I pushed myself to succeed against all odds. I had to respect him for his methods. I had to accept why he put my life on the line. He was turning me into a man, just like himself.” Byron stared out at the woods that flew past our car windows for a second before his gaze shifted back to the road in front of us. “I didn’t understand it then. But I understand it now. A father’s love doesn’t have to make sense. You just have to believe that what they do — is for your own good.”
I watched Byron carefully during his tale. I didn’t know if he was trying to open up to me or help me understand what he was capable of. But the way he told me the story, there was real pain in his voice. Maybe there was a time when Byron saw the world much differently. Maybe in the back of Byron’s imagination, he had pet that deer.
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