Shattered

by Alicia Renee Kline

  We drove down the length of the street, turning around in the cul-de-sac and parking on the road between the model home and the ranch. I stared at the pale blue sided one story and wondered if it was going to be mine. Something about it made me feel like I was at home, and I hadn’t even walked through the door yet.

  “You like?” my friend asked as we climbed out of the car.

  I nodded, feeling the urge to reach over and hug her. I refrained and we walked up the steep driveway to the model home. Being February, the door wasn’t propped open but it was unlocked and Gracie let herself inside, totally at ease. I doubted she had an insecure bone in her body.

  We were greeted almost immediately by a realtor, a lady probably in her early forties. She was dressed exactly like I expected her to be: a smart suit, hair and makeup done as if she had just stepped out of her business card and come to life. She smiled warmly at both of us, unsure of who she should be addressing.

  “Good morning ladies,” she said with the hint of a Southern accent.

  “Good morning,” Gracie said, taking the lead. She stuck out her hand in greeting, exchanging a shake with the realtor as she introduced herself. “I’m Gracie, and this is Lauren. Lauren’s looking for a house.”

  At that, the realtor’s attention focused on me. She clasped my hand firmly in hers. “Well, I can sure help with that. I’m Tina. Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you, too,” I said, wishing I had Gracie’s composure. I did alright, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t one for striking up conversations with random people.

  “So, are you looking to build?” Tina asked, ushering me over to the breakfast bar. Floor plans for various models were scattered across the tabletop. She perched herself upon a bar stool and Gracie and I followed suit.

  “Actually, I’m looking for something move in ready,” I began. “I’m sort of in between places right now. I moved up here recently from Indianapolis due to a job promotion, and I’m currently living in a hotel.”

  No need to make myself look tortured or anything. She didn’t need to know I had been here for a few months.

  “Oh, certainly,” she said, nodding profusely, “that’s understandable.”

  “As much as I like having housekeeping cleaning up after me, it’s just not a permanent solution.”

  I was really warming up to this whole small talk thing, and even managed a smile.

  “I noticed the house next door was for sale, and I think I’d like to take a look at it.”

  “Of course,” Tina said, springing up from her seat. She grabbed her coat from its place on the kitchen counter and pulled it on. I noted that she also picked up a leather folder on her way out, undoubtedly containing a sales contract. Nothing like being prepared. It didn’t offend me – I would have been shocked if she hadn’t.

  We trudged down the driveway and to the home next door, Tina chatting good naturedly about the weather the whole way there. Weather was a universal icebreaker, especially in Indiana. With the way conditions here changed at the drop of a hat, we always had something to talk about.

  When we got to the front porch, the conversation shifted to the business at hand. She set to work opening the lock box on the door as she spoke, extracting the key from inside and unlocking the door.

  “This is one of our more popular floor plans,” she said as we entered. “Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, twelve hundred square feet. A nice size for a starter home.”

  “Perfect,” I said, nodding.

  “Will it just be for you?”

  I caught the meaning in her words and her pointed look in Gracie’s direction. I was almost positive she thought the two of us were together in every sense of the word. She just wasn’t blunt enough to come out and say it. I stifled a giggle.

  “Yes, just me. I’m single.”

  The clearly enunciated word felt foreign on my tongue. I was single. I’d never had the opportunity to call myself that before, not when it really mattered. Eric had always been part of the equation, absent or not. His presence had always overshadowed every decision I’d made in my adult life, even when I purchased my Sonata. Surprisingly enough, the thought of his opinion not factoring into this situation didn’t make me sad – it was empowering.

  Tina led us on the tour, Gracie trailing behind. We paused from time to time and made comments about features and upgrades. I imagined paint colors and furniture placement. The whole process didn’t take long since it was still a fairly small space, but I didn’t need much time to make up my mind.

  It wasn’t perfect; I didn’t think anything would be, but it was home. It was the refuge I needed to begin to build my life again. As showroom white and nondescript as it was now, I could make it mine with little work. It was as close to what I was looking for as I was going to get.

  “So,” Tina said, clapping her hands together, “any questions for me?”

  I shook my head, trying not to give away my hand. Looking too eager was never a good call for negotiations. The list price wasn’t unreasonable, but I was planning on offering a little under just to give myself some wiggle room. Why pay more than I had to?

  “Great. I’ll leave you two alone to discuss. Take your time. When you’re ready, meet me next door. Don’t worry about locking up; I’ll get it later.”

  We waited until we she had closed the door behind her to speak freely.

  “What do you think?” Gracie asked.

  “I’m not sure if I should be shocked or flattered that she thinks we’re dating, but I suppose I could do worse,” I began, a smile creeping upon my features.

  “I meant about the house, you idiot,” she scolded playfully. “And by the way, you did do worse than me for about ten years. His name was Eric.”

  I walked over to the picture window at the front of the house and peered outside. “I think we’re buying a house today.”

  Gracie responded by running over and giving me a huge bear hug. “That’s awesome.”

  As if she had been confident of the outcome all along, she pulled a tape measure out of her purse, followed by a small notebook and pen. I stared at her in disbelief, watching as she flitted about the room. From time to time she would ask for my assistance in measuring, but otherwise I stood back and let her have at it.

  “I saw pictures of this place online and just felt like it was perfect for you,” she admitted. “So I may have started furniture shopping in my head. I’m seeing a couch over here –“ she motioned to the wall nearest where I stood, “and the TV over there.”

  I couldn’t contain a giggle at her enthusiasm for decorating my space. A space that technically wasn’t even mine. Not yet, at least.

  “What?” she asked, feigning innocence, “Who else is going to help you with it?”

  I sighed, a sound that possibly came from the bottom of my feet. “No one, not anymore.”

  “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

  I turned away from her and quickly blinked back the tears that threatened to break free of my lashes. “I know,” I said quietly, “I’m no longer on the friends and family plan for free interior design. It was good while it lasted.”

  “I’m no professional, but we’ll struggle through it together. Most people don’t hire someone to decorate their homes anyway, and their houses turn out okay. Besides, I’ll enjoy spending your money.”

  She smiled, trying to make light of the hole she had just dug. Even though I had to admit the hardest part of my whole independence idea was losing the companionship of two guys I cared about deeply, I had also lost one of the best friends I’d ever had. In one fell swoop, my inner circle had contracted to just the one person that stood before me, looking like she’d just kicked my puppy.

  “I’m okay, really,” I insisted, putting on fake bravado, “let’s go bankrupt me.”

  Gracie and I took one more lap around the home, discussing all the purchases that I would eventually need to make and what would go where. Fortunately, the appliances wer
e included with the home so that was one thing that I could cross off of my list. The sheer amount of furniture I needed was staggering, and I gave up trying to add everything up in my head. Once I started seeing dollar signs instead of possibilities, I knew I needed to step back and take a breath.

  “Enough,” I said finally, shooing her out towards the front door, “Tina will think we got lost on the way back as it is.”

  “Well, if you’re not sure,” Gracie said with a grin, “we can always make a run for it. She’ll eventually get the picture.”

  “No, I’m sure. This is what I need to do.”

  “Okay then.”

  We made the chilly walk back to the model home. Tina was waiting for us as promised, and she tried valiantly not to look too eager when we walked in the door. If I were her, I wouldn’t have been able to help it. Every minute that passed by I would have been debating on whether or not it was a good sign. Commission sales just wasn’t my thing but I respected the people that could do it.

  As expected, she was pleased when I informed her I wanted to make an offer. We sat at the breakfast bar and drew up the paperwork. She began to explain portions of the sales contract to me and I politely stopped her, intimating that I was in the business and I could recite those things in my sleep. At that, she relaxed considerably and we became more like colleagues than a traditional realtor and homebuyer would.

  “I don’t think the builder will have an issue with accepting your offer,” she said as we wrapped everything up, “but of course I’ll have to check with them first. Is it okay if I call you on Monday with the answer?”

  “Sure,” I said, slightly disappointed but fully anticipating the response. It wasn’t like I could get the process moving before that anyway. Even with an accepted offer there was still title work and the deed to order; it wasn’t like I expected to move in next week. But working where I did, I would be able to call in a few favors and it could be close. I wanted it to be close. I needed it to be close.

  “Great,” Tina said, full of enthusiasm. She shook my hand as we both stood, the business at hand complete. “I’ll call you first thing on Monday when I find out.”

  “Sounds good.”

  As we walked back to Gracie’s car, I felt a sense of relief. Maybe all of this would end up being okay. I had no reason to believe that I wouldn’t get the house; even if they came back with a counteroffer it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I was well within my budget, and spending a couple thousand more than I offered wouldn’t break the bank. It might just keep me from spending as much on the furnishings, at least from the start.

  “You’re okay, right?” Gracie checked as she slid into the driver’s seat.

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “You’re really sticking to your guns on this one, aren’t you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  She started up the car and looked at me to provide her with direction. Once I had steered her in the general vicinity of the nearest furniture store, she explained herself.

  “There was a part of me that always thought that once things calmed down that you’d mend fences and move back in with Blake. That the hotel was just a temporary thing, a place to stay until cooler heads prevailed. Then you started talking about looking for houses but you couldn’t find anything you liked. I thought that was some sort of a sign that you weren’t ready to give up on him. Now you’re signing contracts and getting a mortgage and it’s just all over.”

  “Gracie.”

  “Look, I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it today, but I can’t help it. The last time I saw you in person you were practically hysterical. This morning when I called you, you weren’t out of bed and I could tell that you wouldn’t have gotten up all day if I hadn’t shown up.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course it does. Going forward with your plan, no matter how admirable it is, won’t take away the loss. Sure, you’ll have a fun new place to live but you’ll still be waking up with the same memories and the same issues there.”

  “Yes, thanks for the pep talk.”

  “I’m serious. You’re running from something that you don’t even know is really a factor. What if you’ve got it all wrong?”

  “I don’t.” I shook my head with conviction.

  “Don’t you owe it to yourself to make sure?”

  “I made sure weeks ago when I showed him my hand and he wanted nothing to do with it.”

  “Lauren, he reached out to you afterwards and you didn’t answer him.”

  “That was the guilt talking. He didn’t really care; it was just the appropriate thing to ask.”

  I wasn’t about to tell her how many nights I’d sat up staring at my phone, daring myself to respond to him. Willing him to try again to contact me. If only he’d send me another message, then maybe I’d be courageous enough to reply. But he hadn’t. And as time passed, it became exponentially easier to admit to myself that it was never going to happen.

  “Have you thought about trying one last time?”

  “Have you talked to him?” I tried to hide the hope from creeping into my voice.

  She shook her head adamantly. “No, I promise. It’s just that I can’t believe it would end that way. Not with what I saw. Things just don’t add up. Maybe things were said on both sides that shouldn’t have been. Maybe you read into things wrong.”

  “You weren’t there, Gracie.”

  “I know. But the Lauren I know wouldn’t give up on someone that she loved. The Lauren I know stayed with Eric for ten whole years while he did way worse than pull away from a kiss. The Lauren that I know would fight for who she wanted, not just throw in the towel.”

  “I can’t do it. I can’t beg and grovel at his feet for him to love me back. I can’t come between him and Blake. I can’t let him break my heart all over again. I’m barely functioning as it is; if he rejected me again it would kill me. And silly me, for some reason I still want to live. So this is just how things have to be.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and stared out the window. We drove in silence for a couple of minutes as each of us held fast to our opinions.

  “Besides,” I said finally as the sign for the furniture store loomed up ahead, “earlier today you were all about buying a house. I go ahead and do it and now you decide to flip-flop?”

  “I just want you to be happy. You know that. If this is what you want, then I’m good with it. I just don’t want you to regret it.”

  We pulled into the parking lot and exited the car. Gracie’s words echoed in my ears, reminding me of something similar that Blake had told me once. Blake’s words were something more along the line of life being too short for regrets, but both statements rang true.

  What if my entire life had been filled with regrets? Most of them had to do with Eric: standing loyally by his side as he did whatever he pleased, waiting silently for him at home and forgiving him for all his trespasses. Not being assertive enough to disagree with him more than a handful of times. Being so afraid of being alone that I let him manipulate me.

  “I don’t regret this,” I said and meant it.

  “Well, alrighty then.”

  We spent a good hour or so in the furniture store, running from room grouping to room grouping and trying to imagine pieces in my house. My house. It had a nice ring to it, something that filled me with pride. If that wasn’t grown up I wasn’t sure what was. Never mind I didn’t have the builder’s acceptance of my offer yet. I knew that come Monday I’d be one step closer to being a homeowner and making the biggest purchase of my life. All by myself.

  Eventually the salespeople stopped following us around, realizing that we weren’t here to purchase. It was a slow afternoon there and we weren’t bothering anyone by walking around like overgrown children in a toy store. We flopped down on couches, tried out beds and just had a general blast. We were laughing so hard at one point that I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

  “Thanks,” I said at one point b
etween gasps for air.

  “You’re welcome,” she said, immediately catching my drift. “Told you that you needed me today.”

  The trip wasn’t all in vain. I did get a couple of ideas for things I wanted to do, and once things were finalized, I decided I would probably stop back in and buy something as a peace offering with the employees.

  We stopped for dinner at the same Italian restaurant that Blake, Matthew and I had gone to my first night in Fort Wayne. I had promised Gracie I’d take her there eventually and there was no time like the present. I swallowed down the bile that emerged at all the feelings of nostalgia that washed over me when we entered the dining room. From our table, I could plainly see where the three of us had sat that night. The people that currently frequented the spot probably thought I had staring issues, though I tried to do it covertly.

  As much as I hated to admit it, it was like he was a ghost following me around, invading my every waking moment. Maybe that’s all he had ever been – smoke and mirrors like my dream Eric had proclaimed. He haunted me just the same, no matter what he had been.

  Why was letting Matthew go so much harder than leaving Eric?

  Gracie proved to be no help on the matter. She pointed out that we were incognito in her car and that the Taurus was a perfect mode of transportation for doing drive-bys of places from my recent past. The idea of stalking the two siblings was straight out of high school but also strangely appealing. I reminded her that Matthew’s house wasn’t even visible from the road; what would we do, point at the trees by his mailbox and speed off? Besides, he would be well on his way to Detroit by now.

  She wouldn’t take no for an answer, and soon we were traveling down the curving road that led to his home. I cursed her uncanny sense of direction; I refused to give her directions and she still drove right to it. Even if it was just a hidden driveway, I knew what lingered past the edge of my sight. My heart ached at the thought of being here last, a stabbing pain that ripped through me and nearly doubled me over.