Big Love

by Rick R. Reed

  Once that piece of business was accomplished, maybe they could sit down together and try to pick up the pieces and continue to move forward. He realized the rising symphony of emotions going on within him, making him feel both sick and enraged, could all be filed under J for jealousy. He wanted this Luke person out, right now, even though he knew he had no right to wish or hope for such a thing.

  He was confused, though, by his jealousy. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that particular green-eyed emotion with such intensity.

  “I think it might be better if you’d just go home tonight. Rain check?” Seth held the pizza box out to him. “Here. Take this home to your kids.”

  “And what will we eat?” Luke wondered loudly from the couch.

  Seth rolled his eyes. He stepped out into the hallway and shut the door behind him. “Look. I don’t want him here. I swear I didn’t ask him here. If I had had any warning at all he was coming, I would have told him to stay in Chicago, where he belongs. He just showed up—unannounced—about fifteen minutes ago. He drove all the way from Chicago. I can’t just send him away.”

  Dane wanted to whine “Why not? You invited me first.” But he realized how childish it sounded before the words even got to his lips. “I understand,” Dane said, even though he didn’t. “What does this mean?”

  “It doesn’t mean anything.” Seth shrugged. “It means circumstances beyond our control derailed our evening together.” Seth leaned over and kissed Dane quickly on the lips. “I’ll make it up to you, I swear. And again, this doesn’t mean a thing.”

  Dane eyed Seth warily. “No? Someone drives, what, seven, eight hours just to see you and it doesn’t mean anything? Don’t BS me. At least give me that much credit.”

  “Seriously, Dane. I didn’t ask him here. I don’t want him here. I was looking forward—so much—to our evening together. But now that he’s here, I have to deal with him.”

  Dane looked Seth up and down and, for the first time, noticed how good he looked. It heaped sadness onto his jealousy.

  “I could wait,” Dane offered. “There’s the DanDee Bar just down the street. I’ll go have a beer. You could call me when he’s gone.” Dane felt like his desperation showed. And he didn’t care.

  Seth shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He pressed the pizza box more firmly into Dane’s hands. “Take this home. Enjoy it with your kids. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  Dane looked down at the pizza box as though it were something else—he didn’t know what. A concrete block, maybe, a piece of the sidewalk, a fallen star. He looked back up at Seth, wondering if the anguish he felt was obvious on his face. He felt sick to his stomach as the thought occurred to him that Luke might spend the night with Seth. Even if he stayed on the couch, the thought still made him want to be sick. “Okay. Sure,” Dane said. What else could he say?

  He turned away, expecting Seth to say “Oh, wait. What am I thinking? You can come in. Luke was just leaving,” or words to that effect. Instead all he heard was the door close behind him.

  He stared at the shut door for a long time, a hopeful little boy inside him waiting for it to reopen. When, after about five long minutes, it didn’t, Dane walked away, head hung low.

  SETH SAT on the opposite end of the couch from Luke, as far away as he could get. The two men had barely had a chance to talk when Dane arrived, when the pizza delivery showed up.

  Luke nudged Seth with his foot. “Why’d you get rid of that pizza? It smelled good.”

  Seth glared at his ex. “What are you doing here?”

  Luke held his hands up in a defenseless posture and gave him the smile that had once melted Seth’s heart. “Hey! Is that how you treat a guy who drives seven and a half hours on a sometimes treacherous turnpike to see you?”

  Seth settled back into the couch, letting his head loll back into the cushions. He pressed a hand to his eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “You weren’t just ‘in the neighborhood,’ so let’s talk about why you’re here.”

  The silence that stretched out after that was so long, Seth finally opened his eyes once more and turned a little, so that his back was against the arm of the couch and he was facing Luke. One thing he could never take away from the man was that he was a hunk, a hottie, a gorgeous specimen fit for the gods. But that’s all he was. Seth had discovered, the hard and heartbreaking way, that Luke was an empty vessel, a pretty package with nothing inside.

  “I came all this way,” Luke said softly, his deep voice velvet, “to tell you how sorry I am that I fucked up. To tell you I still love you.” He reached over and grabbed Seth’s arm and squeezed it. “And I want you back.”

  Seth gave a bitter laugh. “You want me back? Really? After what we went through, after the way you hurt me?”

  “Yes.” Luke stood up and moved so he sat right next to Seth, their bodies aligned. He slid his arm around Seth’s shoulders, pulling him close. “That guy was nothing to me. He was a mistake. That’s all. I learn from my mistakes, sweetheart. It’ll—”

  “Never happen again,” Seth finished for him.

  Luke let out an abashed chuckle. “Yeah. I know, I know. That’s what every cheater says, but I really mean it. I’ve been desperate for you since you’ve been gone. I’ve felt lost, unmoored. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. The world’s just not right without my Seth in it.”

  Even as Seth thought the lines were bullshit, a small part of him was hungry for them and ate them up. He hated himself for that.

  When Luke moved that gorgeous face of his in for a kiss, Seth, as always, didn’t know if he could resist. He lifted his face, parted his lips….

  DANE TOSSED and turned. And then he turned and tossed. Then he angrily punched the pillows upright against the headboard of his bed and sat up, sighing. Through all the dark hours, he had tormented himself with thoughts of them together. He couldn’t blame Seth for wanting to get back together with Luke. The guy was model material, worthy of a runway or some photo shoot for a men’s fitness magazine. He was hot with a capital H.

  Dane visualized them in all sorts of positions. Positions he had gleaned from all the porn he had surreptitiously watched on his computer over the years. There was Seth on his back, his legs on Luke’s rippling shoulders. Here was Luke on his back, holding his giant, glistening cock up so Seth could slide down on it. There they were, in a sixty-nine. Doggie style. Reverse cowboy.

  Each variation taunted and sickened Dane, making the very idea of sleep impossible.

  At last, sitting up, legs apart, staring into the pitch darkness of the room, he was able to force his mind away from the mental pornographic loop playing endlessly and question why he was feeling such jealousy.

  He hadn’t really allowed himself to think it until tonight, until life and its endless and often cruel surprises forced the realization out into the open.

  You’re in love with Seth.

  There. He’d thought it. In so many words.

  And his timing was impeccable. Just when he realized he could, and did, love another man, that love was usurped by someone who looked like Joe Manganiello and Christopher Meloni had a baby and it grew up to be Luke.

  What chance did oversized, dowdy Dane have against a stud like Luke?

  None! Get serious.

  His mind returned to the fantasies that made him want to vomit. In this one, Luke’s come was spurting all over Seth’s face and Seth was hungrily trying to catch some of the copious white with his tongue.

  In spite of himself, Dane got hard and stared down with horror at the erection that had sprung up in his boxers.

  Just then his phone, next to him on the nightstand and silenced for the night, made the brr noise that indicated an incoming call. It moved a little across the smooth wood surface as it vibrated.

  “Who the hell?” Dane wondered, hoping and wishing. He picked up the phone and saw two things simultaneously: Seth was calling, and it was a little after 2:00 a.m.

  He accepted the call. “What?”<
br />
  “You awake?”

  “No, sound asleep. What are you doing?”

  “Come over? Please.”

  It had been a long time since Dane had heard words that made him so happy. He suddenly felt invigorated, like a teenager again. “I’ll be right there.”

  He leaped from the bed and began gathering up his jeans and T-shirt from the floor where he’d left them in despair, not even three hours ago.

  SETH REMEMBERED Luke moving in for that kiss. He recalled how freighted with promise that kiss was, and he knew, without consciously thinking it, that if he opened his mouth and let Luke’s tongue in, he was doing more than just kissing the man; he was letting him back into his life.

  And that he could not do.

  He recoiled, leaning back from Luke, and shouted, “No!”

  “No?” Luke’s astonishment said he seldom heard the word, especially from a gay man he was about to kiss.

  “No.” Seth pushed him away and forced himself to stand, even though his knees felt so weak he worried they wouldn’t support him. But his knees, and his resolve, were both fine—and strong.

  “You gotta get out of here.”

  “Baby, baby. What are you talking about? Sit down. Let’s discuss this. I came all this way….” Luke gave him what Seth supposed he imagined was one of his most seductive looks.

  “Yes, you did. And I didn’t ask you to.” Seth crossed the room, putting at least another six feet between them. “What you decide is not my problem.” He pulled out one of his vinyl-covered chairs from the dinette set and sat down on it. Its hardness was a comfort. “Don’t hold me responsible for what you decide to do on a whim. Contrary to popular belief, Luke, you’re not as irresistible as you think.”

  Luke snorted.

  Seth pondered for a long time before he allowed himself to speak the words on his mind. “But I do forgive you.”

  Luke’s face, surprised, lit up in a genuine smile. “Really?”

  Seth nodded. “Yeah.”

  “That’s great.” Luke patted the couch beside him. “Come back here.” Soft. Seductive.

  Seth would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted. Luke was so gorgeous it was hard to say no.

  But Seth loved someone else.

  And Luke needed to hear all he had to say, so he stayed rooted in his chair. “I forgive you, Luke. But I don’t forgive you for you, I forgive you for me.” He let his eyes meet Luke’s, holding his gaze. He could see something dawn on Luke’s face, something like understanding, and it made Seth a little sad. “I need to forgive you to let you go. A wise man once told me”—Seth smiled, and he hoped it conveyed kindness and not triumph—“that the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” He did get up from the chair then and moved to sit on the couch with Luke, but not too close.

  “I’m glad you made the trip, actually, because having you here, in this moment, allowed me to let go.”

  Luke tore his gaze away from Seth’s and simply stared straight ahead, at the opposite wall. “Gee. I’m so glad I came. Glad I could help,” Luke said.

  And there’s the man I’m lucky to be getting away from. Seth had felt a little guilty, a little saddened, but no more. He realized he’d always known, somewhere deep down, that while Luke had a big dick, his heart was tiny. He thought only of himself. And Luke’s need to reunite? It was nothing more than ego driven, a balm to apply to his rejected soul. Seth recalled Luke telling him once, early in their relationship, that no one had ever broken up with him. “If anyone does the breaking up, it’s always me.” In retrospect Seth could see there was both a little pride in the statement and a warning. How dare Seth have the nerve to leave him!

  There really wasn’t a lot more to say. Finally, true to form, Luke asked a selfish question.

  “Can I at least crash here tonight? I’m too beat to drive all the way back, and I’m too strapped to stay in a motel.”

  Seth could just imagine how Luke would use the quiet hours of the middle of the night to try to make some more moves on him, when he was most vulnerable. But Seth had other plans. He got up and went over to the kitchen counter, where he’d left his wallet after paying for the pizza. He rummaged inside and brought out three twenties. He pressed them into Luke’s hands. “Summitville motels aren’t nearly as expensive as Chicago’s. This ought to get you a river view at the Vista, out on Route 7, just five minutes from here. My treat. Sleep well, and say hello to Chicago for me when you get back.”

  Luke looked down at the cash, then back at Seth. “You’re a dick,” he said softly.

  “Okay. And now I need you to go.”

  They said nothing as Luke slunk from the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

  And now he waited for the intercom to sound to tell him that his real lover had arrived.

  He would answer the door naked.

  DANE WAITED impatiently downstairs. He still clutched the bottle of Chianti in one hand, but he doubted very much they’d need it. He laughed out loud, the sound of it strange, floating on the deserted and silent downtown streets.

  He felt like he was eighteen and told himself, You know what this is? It’s a booty call. An honest-to-God, middle-of-the-night booty call! He laughed again, this time a little higher, maybe bordering just a tad on hysterical. He never imagined he’d find himself in such a situation, at least not now, not yet, not with someone he worked with.

  But love and lust, Dane was learning, did not always work in tandem with that other L-word, logic. And thank God for that! He shifted his weight impatiently from one foot to the other as he waited for the click of the front door that would admit him to Seth’s building.

  And Seth’s mouth, his lips, his dick.

  His heart.

  The click sounded, telling Dane the door was unlocked and he was free to enter. He placed one hand on the door, pulled it open partway, and stopped.

  “Oh my God,” he said aloud, just as a can skittered along on the sidewalk behind him, reminding him of what a ghost town Summitville became after midnight or so, maybe even earlier. “Oh my God, I have no experience. Not with a guy!” The titters came again, and this time they were hysterical. “I can’t do this! I’ll look like a fool. He’s used to guys like Luke! Me? Are you kidding? He’ll have to show me how to do everything, like some green boy. I’m not what he wants!” He said the words whispering, fast, and realized that if someone could overhear him, they would think he was completely off his rocker.

  Dane contemplated just letting the door slam, fleeing into the night. He realized, much to his giddy horror, that when it came to gay sex, he was a virgin. A fucking virgin, in both the literal and colloquial senses. He couldn’t go through with this.

  The door clicked again, letting Dane know Seth was pressing his intercom entry button again and probably wondering why Dane wasn’t at his door already.

  You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, he thought. You can just go in there and talk to the man. Get to know him better. Maybe a little touching, a kiss…. His dick rose in his pants a bit at this last thought, and that gave him the courage to enter the building and mount the stairs. His little internal pep talk sounded like something he’d say to one of his students or, God forbid, his kids. And that thought made his dick wilt a little.

  Still, he continued up the stairs.

  Seth waited at the door for him. He wasn’t wearing a stitch. Dane couldn’t help it. The dizzy laughter rose up in him like a horde of bees, undeniable, and he doubled over, barely able to catch his breath.

  Seth stepped back. “Well,” he said nervously. “That wasn’t quite the reaction I’d hoped for.” He stepped back a little farther and slid the door open a little wider. “I guess I need to get myself to the gym. Pronto.”

  “No, no.” Dane held his hand up, trying to rein in the laughter and catch his breath. Tears poured down his cheeks. He was laughing so hard he wondered if it could lead to something cataclysmic, like a heart attack. “It’s not that. You’re beauti
ful. Perfect.” He managed to choke the words out between breaths, between dying bursts of laughter.

  He paused at the doorway, face-to-face with Seth. “You still want me to come in?”

  “Of course. Get in here.”

  Dane stepped inside, and Seth closed the door behind him. Even in the soft glow of candles Seth had set up around the room, Dane could see that Seth’s face was beet red. Seth hurried away, presumably into his bedroom, and returned moments later wearing a white terry-cloth bathrobe. He snatched the bottle of wine from Dane’s hand.

  “What gives, man?”

  Dane could detect a note of anger in Seth’s voice. He didn’t blame him. What man wants hysterical laughter as the response to his naked body?

  Dane made for the couch, grateful to be able to sit down. He allowed himself a few moments to just sit and breathe—in and out—before responding. At last he patted the couch next to him. “Sit down, sit down. Open that wine if you want.”

  “I think we both need it. School night or not.” Seth disappeared into the kitchen. Dane heard a door open and close, the pop of the cork being removed from the bottle, and then the glug-glug-glug of glasses being filled.

  He returned, sat down next to Dane, and handed him a glass. He didn’t toast, and under the circumstances, Dane thought that was entirely appropriate. He took a gulp of the red and was grateful for its warmth and immediate calming influence.

  “Look, Seth, I’m sorry I laughed. It wasn’t at you.”

  “What was it, then?” Seth snapped. “With me?”

  “No! No, of course not. You don’t understand.” Dane fixed him with an expression that he hoped conveyed not only his sorrow but also his confusion and despair. Dane put it baldly. “I’m just scared. My nerves got the better of me.”

  “Scared?”

  “Yes! Yes, I’ve never, I’ve never, I’ve never….” His voice trailed off. Now, instead of laughter, he feared crying. No, he wouldn’t let himself.

  “You’ve never what?” A light bulb popped on above Seth’s head, and his lips turned up in a small smile. “Never been with a man?” he finished.