‘Because you don’t understand!’
He let go of her hands, feeling the pain of her rejection biting deep into his soul. Heaven knew, he had enough experience of being rejected to recognise it. His parents had never really wanted him. They had both been high-flyers, dedicated to their work, and his unscheduled arrival had been viewed as a disruption to their busy lives.
He had been brought up by a succession of nannies until he was old enough to be sent away to boarding school. Holidays had been a nightmare; both his mother and his father had made it clear that they resented having to waste time entertaining him. It had been a relief to them all when he had been old enough to go away on his own. Skiing trips, diving holidays—he’d done the lot and enjoyed them too. At least he hadn’t felt like a burden. People were being paid to look after him and that made it easier.
The ties had been completely severed by the time he went to university. Apart from the obligatory birthday and Christmas cards, he had no contact with them these days. He didn’t miss them; it was impossible to miss something he had never had.
However, they had taught him a valuable lesson, which was that no one should have a child unless they were prepared to put it first. That was why he’d had reservations when Beth had suggested they should have a baby. He had been afraid that he wouldn’t measure up as a parent, that the genes he had inherited would affect his ability to be a proper father to their child, but he had allowed himself to be persuaded because it was what Beth had wanted so desperately.
Would he have agreed if he’d had any idea how hard it would be? he wondered suddenly. How agonising it would be to watch her suffer such terrible disappointment, month after month, when she had failed to get pregnant? Of course he wouldn’t! He had loved her to distraction and it was unthinkable that he would have allowed her to go through that kind of torment.
That was why he had called a halt and asked her for a divorce. Maybe Beth believed that he had done it for his own sake but it wasn’t true. He simply couldn’t bear to see her torturing herself any longer. How ironic that after all they had been through, she should have fallen pregnant that last night they had slept together.
‘What is there to understand? I wrote to tell you I was pregnant and you didn’t reply. That says it all.’ She shrugged, her expression so cold when Callum forced his mind back to the present that he felt chilled to the bone. It was hard to believe that Beth could look at him that way.
‘But I never received your letter!’ he protested.
‘Then why are you here?’ she shot back and he felt relief surge through him when he heard the stirrings of anger in her voice. It was better to be upbraided than be treated with such indifference.
‘What I meant was that I never received it for months. I was in Africa, travelling around while I helped set up a new malaria programme, and somehow it never caught up with me.’ He looked deep into her eyes, willing her to believe him. ‘It only reached me last month and as soon as I read it, I made arrangements to fly back to England. I got here as fast as I could, Beth—I swear.’
Beth wanted to believe him, she wanted it with a desperation that defied all logic. She had sworn that she would never allow herself to be swayed by anything Callum said but, staring into his deep brown eyes, it was so very tempting... The sound of bells ringing broke the spell. Beth stepped back, her breath coming in fast little spurts as she realised how close she had come to breaking her own promise. Surely she had learned her lesson after what had happened between them? Learned never to believe a word Callum said? If he could tell her that he loved her and then leave her, it proved beyond any doubt how untrustworthy he was.
She swung round, ignoring him when he called her name. She didn’t want to listen to him any more, didn’t want to see him, to be tempted in any way at all. She had to think about Beatrix and the effect it would have on her in the future if she found out that her father was a liar.
She re-joined the wedding party, nodding when Polly asked her if she was all right. She wasn’t all right, by any means, but she wouldn’t say so, wouldn’t ruin her friend’s special day. Polly deserved this after everything she had been through. She deserved every second of happiness that came her way. She had found the man she loved and he loved her too—their future was rosy and golden and would be filled with joy. Just as hers should have been if Callum hadn’t stopped loving her.
The tears came then, hot and bitter as they streamed down her face, but she wasn’t the only one crying. Weddings were an emotional time and a lot of the guests were shedding a tear or two. Beth dried her eyes then took her place on the church steps while the photographs were taken, smiling and pretending to be full of joy on this happy day while inside she felt devastated and angry and so very alone.
She glanced towards the lich gate but there was no sign of Callum. Whether he would seek her out again, she had no idea. It didn’t really matter. Nothing he said could make up for what he had done, no excuses about letters taking months to reach him would change things. The fact was that he had left her, left her when she had needed him most of all. And that was the only thing that counted.
* * *
Callum had managed to book himself a room in the local pub. He carried his bag up the narrow staircase and opened the bedroom door. The room was small and rather cramped with double dormer roofs taking up most of the ceiling space but he didn’t care. It was somewhere to sleep tonight because one thing was certain: he wouldn’t be sleeping in Beth’s bed!
Frustration ate away at him as he tossed his bag onto the bed. Maybe he hadn’t expected red carpet treatment but he had hoped for a better reception than that. It was obvious that Beth wasn’t going to forgive him in a hurry and it made him see how foolish he’d been to hope that she would. He sighed wearily. Had he really thought that he could win her round with a few well-chosen words? That he could tell Beth what had happened and that she would just accept it? He must have been living in cloud cuckoo land if he had!
No way was this going to be easy. He would have to work at it, gain her trust, make her understand that he hadn’t ignored her or their baby, and then convince her that he wanted to be involved in their lives.
Fear trickled coldly down his spine at the thought. He knew nothing about what it took to be a father, did he? Most people learned the art from their own father but he certainly wasn’t going to use his as a role model. He would be batting in the dark, striking out this way and that in the hope that he would somehow discover how to be a good parent. What if he failed? What if he tried his best but still couldn’t measure up to the role? He couldn’t bear to imagine the harm it might cause his daughter if he flunked it. His heart caught. He couldn’t bear to imagine Beth’s contempt either if that happened.
* * *
Beth collected Beatrix from the childminder’s house and took her home. Polly had wanted her to take the baby to the church but Beth had decided not to risk it. At almost ten months old Beatrix was attempting to walk and soon became frustrated if she was made to sit still for any length of time. The thought of her daughter creating a fuss during the service had made Beth decide to leave her with Alison, the childminder. Now she was doubly glad that she had. She still wasn’t sure if she was going to allow Callum to see her. After all, if he had been that interested in his daughter then he would have been in touch before now, although, according to Callum, it hadn’t been his fault, had it?
The thought nagged away at her as she got Beatrix ready for bed. The little girl loved water and Beth let her splash away in the bath for longer than usual. She rarely spent any time apart from her and she had missed her that day, although she would have to get used to being without her. She was due to return to work in a couple of weeks’ time now that her maternity leave was coming to an end and Beatrix would be looked after by Alison. While Beth knew the other woman would take good care of her, it would be a wrench to leave her. Still, it was what she had to do if
she was to provide for her daughter. Maybe Beatrix was destined to have only one parent but Beth didn’t intend that she would miss out, financially or emotionally.
Her mouth thinned as she lifted Beatrix out of the bath and wrapped her in a towel. One loving parent was more than enough and far better than having someone unreliable in her life like Callum!
* * *
The pub served food so Callum had something to eat then went back up to his room. He had spent almost thirty-six hours on the go and he was bone-tired. He desperately needed to sleep and lay down on the bed, fully clothed, but he couldn’t settle. He kept thinking about what had happened with Beth and knew that he wouldn’t be able to rest until he had resolved at least some of the issues with her.
In the end, he got up and left the pub, taking his time as he walked to the cottage. He had no idea what he was going to say to her when he got there but he needed to convince Beth that he had been telling the truth about her letter failing to reach him for so long. At least, it would be a start if he could do that, a small step towards convincing her about all the rest. Despite what she thought, he did care about their daughter. He cared a lot, far more than he would have expected, in fact. He had a child and even though he had never really wanted a family of his own, he intended to do his very best for her...
If only Beth would let him.
The thought felt like a lead weight inside him. Callum was very aware that Beth would have the deciding vote when it came to a decision about his input into their daughter’s life. Bearing in mind how she had reacted earlier, it seemed unlikely that she would let him have anything to do with her, and he was devastated at the thought that he might not be able to play any part in his child’s life.
He stopped outside the cottage, wondering how best to approach this. He might only get this one chance and he couldn’t afford to waste it. Maybe it had hurt to be treated so coldly by Beth before but his feelings didn’t matter. It was his daughter who mattered, the child he and Beth had conceived against all the odds that last night.
Callum found his thoughts winging back to that night and he shuddered. He had only gone to see Beth because the papers finalising their divorce had come through that morning. For some reason he still couldn’t explain, he had felt that he’d had to acknowledge the ending of their marriage in person. What he had never expected was that they would end up in bed together. He had honestly thought that their desire for one another had died, but that night it had felt just like it had in the beginning. The feel of her hands on his skin, the brush of her lips against his, had transformed their lovemaking into something magical. Special. Something he had never felt before and knew he wouldn’t feel again.
His heart ached with a sudden searing pain. He had loved her so much and knew that she had loved him too—how could they have lost sight of that?
Beth tiptoed to the nursery window. Beatrix had fallen asleep and she didn’t want to wake her. Reaching up, she went to draw the curtains then paused when she caught sight of Callum standing outside. Her heart leapt even though she’d half expected that he would seek her out again. All of a sudden, she wasn’t sure what to do. If she let him in then he would only repeat what he had said earlier and she couldn’t see any point in that. He had claimed that it had taken months for her letter to reach him but did she believe him? If he could lie about loving her then he could lie about that too!
Beth felt a wave of anger wash over her as she drew the curtains then made her way downstairs. Opening the front door, she stared, stony-faced, at the man standing outside on the step. He had his hand raised in readiness to knock and she glared at him. ‘Beatrix is asleep and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t wake her up.’
‘Oh. Right.’
He looked momentarily disconcerted, which was rare for him. Callum’s confidence was one of the things that had attracted her to him when they had first met. They had both been invited to a mutual friend’s birthday party in London, a noisy affair that had grown rowdier as the evening had worn on. Although most of the people there had been similar in age to her, Beth had found their behaviour childish. Their main aim seemed to be to drink as much as they could but getting drunk wasn’t something she planned to do.
She was due in work the following day and had no intention of turning up with a hangover, so when one of the men had tried to persuade her to take part in their drinking game, she had refused. The situation had turned ugly then. Beth had felt really frightened when he had grabbed hold of her and forced the glass to her lips, and that’s when Callum had stepped in.
He hadn’t said a word as he’d removed the glass from the other man’s hand and placed it on a table, but his expression had said it all. The man had immediately let her go and hurried away. Only then had Callum spoken and all he’d done was ask her if she was ready to leave. They had left the party and found an all-night café down by the docks. The time had flown past as they had talked about their lives over mugs of tea.
Callum had explained that he worked for an aid agency and that he had only recently returned from India. It was very different from the career path Beth had chosen and she was intrigued to hear more, not that the conversation was in any way one-sided when he’d seemed equally fascinated by what she had done. She had never met anyone who was as easy to talk to as Callum and she’d found herself telling him things she had told no one else. By the time they left the café, she was already half in love with him...
‘Look, Beth, I know you said before that you didn’t want to hear what I had to say but it’s important that we sort this out.’
The urgency in his voice brought her back to the present, although it was hard to rid her mind of the memories. They had been so good together, true soul mates, totally attuned to one another, until she had decided that she wanted them to have a baby. Would their relationship have lasted if she hadn’t made that decision? She had no idea. However, it was that thought that made her step back so Callum could come in. If she was even partly responsible for ruining what they’d had then she owed him this at least.
‘Come into the sitting room,’ she said shortly, leading the way.
Callum followed her in, smiling when he saw the basket of toys tucked under the coffee table. ‘I see our daughter’s into cars rather than dolls.’
‘She loves anything that has wheels.’ Beth sat down on the chair, leaving Callum to have the sofa. It would have been too hard to sit next to him and recall all the other times they had sat there, cuddled up together. It was something else she didn’t want to dwell on and she sprang to her feet. ‘I’ll put the kettle on. What d’you want—tea or coffee?’
‘Neither, thanks.’ He grimaced. ‘I drank so much tea and coffee on the journey back here that I’m awash with it.’
‘Oh, I see.’ Beth hesitated but she really didn’t want anything to drink either. It had been more a delaying tactic, but perhaps it would be better to get this over with. The sooner Callum had said his piece, the sooner he would leave and things would get back to normal. It was a relief when he carried on.
‘I got here as quickly as I could, Beth. Once I received your letter, I contacted the agency and told them that I needed to return to England immediately.’ He shrugged. ‘All right, I’ll admit that it took a couple of weeks to make the arrangements but there was nothing I could do about that. It was out of my hands.’
He sounded sincere enough and Beth found herself wavering. Was he telling her the truth or was it merely some elaborate tale he had dreamed up to explain his absence? The Callum she had known in the past had never lied to her. Or at least she had thought he hadn’t done so, she amended swiftly. She didn’t want to think that he was lying to her now but how could she trust him after what he had done? He had walked away even though he had claimed to love her. He had even told her that on their last night together, told her that he loved her and that he would always love her. She had taken it to mean that he had changed his mi
nd, that the divorce had been a mistake, and that he wanted them to get back together.
Tears filled her eyes as she recalled how devastated she had felt when she had woken in the morning to find him gone. No, if Callum had truly loved her then he would have stayed.
* * *
Callum could tell things weren’t going well. Beth had tears in her eyes now and he didn’t imagine they were tears of joy either. He searched his mind for the right words, words that would convince her he deserved another chance, but in his heart he knew there was nothing he could say to make up for what he had done. He hadn’t been here when she had needed him. He hadn’t been here for her or their daughter and there was no point explaining how bad he felt about it when she wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. Beth didn’t want him in her life any more and the pain that thought caused him made him suck in his breath.
He stood up abruptly, his legs trembling so hard that he wasn’t sure if they would hold him, but he refused to let her think that he was playing for sympathy.
‘I didn’t come here to upset you, Beth. It’s the last thing I want to do. I’ve told you the truth but I can see that I was wrong to expect you to believe me.’ He spread his hands apart in frustration. ‘If there was anything I could do to convince you then I’d do it, but I doubt if you’d be interested even then. I’m no longer part of your life and I accept that, but I hope you will allow me to be part of our daughter’s life in some way.’ His voice caught then, the words all jammed up inside him as emotion took over, and he stared at the ceiling, not wanting her to guess how agonising it was to know that he might be excluded from his child’s future.
‘I’ll think about it, although I’m not making any promises.’
Reunited by Their Baby Page 2