“Not from where we stand, at least. Anyway, I’m pretty new at this, too. It’s all weird and overwhelming, and kind of silly at times. What I recommend is that you try carrying your sword with you and use it when you need to. That’s how you find out who you are, and that’s what this is all about: finding out who we really are.”
Terrance nodded and headed back toward the alleyway to get away from the place that shouldn’t exist, and to his car. As he hurried off, he noticed a figure in white watching him from the castle’s entrance. Talia. Her glare was still full of anger. He was a bit scared of her. He was scared of a number of things. And he wasn’t sure carrying the sword was going to help with that.
Chapter 15
He saw her smile, and for a moment everything seemed like it would be all right again.
Terrance had spent Friday feeling like he was carrying around a heavy stone, like there was a constant weight threatening to crush him at any moment. He had considered the advice of the guy whose name he’d forgotten, but knew that carrying around his sword would cause a conflict with Shannon. He was pretty sure he didn’t want that. And even if the Infinite had some point in their ramblings, he was quite sure he didn’t want to be involved in some all-out assault on Shannon and her friends.
So it seemed that he had made his choice. He thought that would have lifted his burden, but everything still weighed on him, until he saw Shannon and her smile again. He kissed her, and a voice inside told him, Everything is fine. Everything is good. You’re silly to worry.
She had come to his apartment to pick him up for her friend’s birthday party and was in normal, cute clothes, not her dark armor. After the kiss, she pressed herself against him and put her head on his shoulder. “Was being apart from me everlasting torment?”
“You’ll find a big pile of whiskey bottles next to the couch, as I had to drown my sorrows in drink.”
“Aww…that’s so sweet. Just remember to recycle the bottles. You ready to go?”
“Let me check.” He looked down. “Yep. Got pants on. Ready to leave the house.”
Shannon put a finger under his chin and gently tilted his head up so they were eye to eye, her expression mock serious. “You have to be your best today, as I’m showing you off to my friends. You need to be awesome and make them jealous and hate their own stupid boyfriends.”
Terrance scoffed. “I doubt anyone there is going to be able to stand up to my mad programming skills. Their boyfriends will probably be doctors and Army Rangers and dumb things like that.”
“Seriously, though, my friends are really fun, and we’re going to have a great time. All right, Batman, to the Shannonmobile!”
They got into her Prius and headed off on their journey. “This is a weirdly quiet car,” Terrance said.
“It’s a hybrid! Every time I drive it, I’m helping to save the environment.”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
“The faster I drive it, the more trees grow!”
Terrance chuckled, but through the windshield, he saw their destination in the distance. The dark fortress on a mountaintop, lit by the fires of nearby volcanoes. Large, winged things flying around it. He shuddered, though it seemed silly. He was just going to a birthday party.
The fortress loomed over them. Even close up, it was so dark that it seemed like a silhouette. It had spires that soared hundreds of feet into the air. The things flying about were vaguely lizard-like and thankfully seemed to take no note of the people below. Terrance wondered if he might see Malcus fly by, and shuddered at the thought.
Their destination was actually a few hundred yards from the fortress: ruins that rested on the lip of a volcano, partially lit by the glow of the orange magma bubbling down below. The ruins themselves were jagged structures made of black rock, casting odd shadows over the land around them. Terrance got an odd feeling from the place, as though something ancient and evil had once resided inside, or perhaps its ghost still did. Echoing from within the ruins were the sounds of “Gangnam Style.”
Shannon’s friend Lacey had apparently commandeered the ruins for her party. Colorful strands of paper decorated the ominous jagged pillars, and the whole structure came alive in the strobe lights.
“What is this place?” Terrance asked Shannon as they approached.
“Just a spot near the fortress that we use a lot for gatherings,” she said. “I hate that this place is so far from town. Everyone wants a dark fortress where their enemies are tormented, but no one wants it in their backyard.”
Terrance nodded and looked at the fortress again. Curtis had mentioned its blocking the path to the Adversary, but all he could see beyond it was darkness and the flying lizard things.
“We’ll crash at my place tonight,” Shannon said, pointing to the fortress, where her apartment apparently was. “Just watch out for Amidala; she likes to claw in the middle of the night.”
“Cats are so lovely.” Terrance had the odd thought that if he fell asleep in the ominous fortress, something would eat his soul.
“Hey, guys!” someone called out. Terrance turned to see Lance heading toward them with Karen at his side. “Well, ain’t this a crazy place?”
Karen took in the surroundings with an expression of disgust. “Why would you have a party here?”
“Because of the volcanoes, it’s warm all year round,” Shannon said.
“Isn’t being so close to volcanoes dangerous?” Karen asked.
Shannon shrugged.
“I think it’s cool.” Lance put his hand on Terrance’s shoulder. “The only thing dangerous here is Terr. He’s always crazy at parties.”
“Yep, that’s me,” Terrance said dryly. “Never left a party on my own volition; always had to have the cops drag me away.”
“The cops don’t come up here,” Shannon said. “It’s not really in their jurisdiction.”
“Oh,” Terrance answered, trying to figure out what that meant.
“Come on.” Shannon pulled Terrance forward. “I want to introduce you to my friends.”
“Don’t let them steal Terrance away from you,” Karen said behind them, chuckling.
In the ruins were numerous young men and women drinking and chatting. Terrance wondered how many of them would be called the Hollow Ones by the Infinite; everyone looked pretty normal. There were a lot of hot girls, though. If there was an entity trying to get people to look past evil in the world, having lots of hot girls on its side was probably helpful.
He glanced at Shannon again, and she smiled back at him. He had the thought that maybe that was what Shannon was: a temptress sent to draw him into the grasp of the evil Adversary. It seemed silly, though. His attraction to her wasn’t based solely on looks; she was a fun person to be around, someone he felt he could actually relate to.
Yet he was always second-guessing his relationship with her. He thought perhaps it was normal to have jitters when your girlfriend was so great that you wanted to make sure you held on to her.
“Happy birthday, Lacey!” Shannon called out as they approached a platinum-blonde woman in a skimpy outfit. Lacey’s flawless appearance almost made Terrance wonder if she was an actress he had seen before. She regarded Shannon with a slight smile but didn’t make even that small effort for Terrance. Flanking Lacey were three other gorgeous women, all wearing outfits emphasizing the lovely curves of their bodies. Terrance made a note to be careful where his eyes focused, especially since he was standing next to his girlfriend. The other women all smiled at Terrance, but the smiles didn’t seem friendly. The warning about the Hollow Ones being dangerous came back to his mind.
“Hey, Shana-nana,” Lacey answered. “I like birthdays. I like having a day when everyone recognizes how great I am, though I’d prefer it more than once a year. So is this the guy you told me about? Tully or something?”
“It’s Terrance,” Terrance said.
Lacey shook her head. “No, that wasn’t it. I must be thinking of another guy.”
Sha
nnon fake-laughed. “You are so droll.” She looked at Terrance. “Anyway, this is my friend from work, Lacey. She’s…how should I explain her? She’s like if you took the concept of ‘being a bitch’ and put it into human form.”
Lacey nodded. “Yeah, that’s about right.”
“And this is Elissa.” Shannon pointed to a redhead next to Lacey, who continued to smile at him in a way that was somewhere between sexy and creepy. “This is Vicky.” She was a raven-haired beauty who gazed at Terrance with bored indifference. “And this is Amber.” The brunette smiled at him, but there was something almost threatening about it. “They’re all slutty and really dumb. I can’t overemphasize both those aspects.”
“One more drink and I’ll probably be throwing myself all over him,” Elissa said. She downed the contents of her red Solo cup. “Uh-oh.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you all,” Terrance said, though he was trying to decide whether that statement was true.
“It’s great to meet us,” Lacey said. “And as Shannon’s friends and fellow women-at-arms, it’s our job to carefully approve anyone she dates.”
Amber approached him and casually felt the material of his polo shirt. “And we like to be very thorough.”
“Be nice to him,” Shannon warned.
“This is us being nice,” Lacey said. She looked at Terrance with a smile, but her eyes were filled with menace. “So what do you do, Terrance?”
“I design web applications.”
“Explain further.”
“Well, if you’ve ever used a web page that did something—like when you click the submit button on an order—I write the code behind it that allows—” He was interrupted by Vicky’s loud yawn.
Lacey gave Shannon a thumbs-up. “He seems like a safe choice.”
“This isn’t being nice,” Shannon said.
“Nice is boring.” Lacey carefully looked Terrance up and down. “Now spin around and give us a good look at you.”
“Yeah…I’m not going to do that.”
“DO IT!” Lacey barked, her voice and face so intense that Terrance almost reached for the sword he didn’t have on him.
Terrance quickly turned around in place.
Lacey nodded. “He’s easily intimidated. That’s good. So, girls, what do you think?”
“He’s kinda cute from certain angles,” Elissa said.
“With a couple drinks in me, I’d do him,” Amber said.
“I want to know more about his sexual prowess,” Vicky said. “Shannon, tell us everything. Don’t leave anything out.”
“Guys, come on.” Shannon was starting to look angry.
“You tell us these things all the time,” Lacey said. “Now you’re just telling us in front of him. We’re helping you have a more honest and open relationship.”
Shannon sighed. “Fine. As I told you before, Terrance’s biggest problem is—”
Terrance’s could feel himself going flush, and his brain was in denial that this was happening. Then he saw they were all laughing, Shannon included.
“That was fun.” Lacey wiped a tear from her eye. “I’ve never seen anyone turn that red before. Shannon, apologize to your boyfriend for subjecting him to us.”
Shannon turned to Terrance and smiled. “I’m sorry; that was kind of mean. It’s just me and my friends—well, we’ve been through a lot and kind of have a crazy sense of humor. And part of that is we like to haze each other’s boyfriends when we first meet them.”
“You learn a lot about someone when they’re under stress,” Elissa said. “But I assure you, there’s nothing to be scared of with any of us.”
“We’re all actually nice people,” Amber added, smiling in a much friendlier manner than any of them had so far.
“We’re just a bit wacky,” Vicky said.
Shannon’s face turned more serious. “I didn’t make you mad, did I?”
Terrance wiped the sweat from his forehead and smiled weakly. “No.” He turned to Lacey. “So did I pass this test or whatever it was?”
Lacey gave him a thumbs-up. “You did all right. And Shannon has told us a lot about you; you seem like a nice guy. Which is good.”
“But if you break her heart,” Vicky stated, smile fading, “we’ll literally rip you apart.”
Terrance got the feeling that Vicky was using “literally” correctly.
“Hey girls!” called a singsongy voice. Terrance turned to see a demon headed their way. Once again he tensed, but was unable to do anything but stand there.
The demon had a voluptuous female form, her skin an almost golden yellow. Terrance could see quite a lot of her skin, as she wore a black cloak—more like a cape—and little else. Her eyes were blood-red, as was her long hair. Her lips, though, were black, and parted in a smile to reveal a set of fangs. Terrance was horrified by her, but also a little aroused. He found himself fighting the urge to run both from her and to her.
“I’m really enjoying this party,” the beast said in an extremely cheery voice. “Is this iPod music that’s playing?”
Vicky rolled her eyes. Elissa answered, “Yes, this is music from an iPod.”
“It’s amazing how much music they get on those,” the demon said. “I don’t know how they get the record that small.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Lacey said. “Anyway, Shannon is introducing us to her new boyfriend, and you know how we are with fresh meat.”
The creature locked her eyes on Terrance, curling her smile even more. “Oh.”
“Terrance, this is my boss, Despina,” Shannon said.
Terrance looked at her and nodded, trying not to keep his gaze on her for too long. But then Despina walked right up to him, sauntering past the point of violating Terrance’s personal space. She had a sweet smell that was at first alluring but then sicklier, like the sweeteners that give lab animals cancer. “It’s nice to meet you, Terrance,” she said, her red eyes just inches from his. “What do you do?”
“I…uh…design web applications.”
Despina raised a red eyebrow. “Is that like a thing with the…um…”
“Internet,” Shannon offered.
Despina giggled. “Sorry, I’m just not good with technology. I had enough trouble trying to use one of those electronic typewriters, and then they put a TV on them and it was…well, just too much for me, you know.”
“Yeah…computers are complicated,” Terrance said, trying to break away from those red eyes staring at him.
“Well, Shannon is a great girl,” Despina said. “These ladies here are my stars. They are fearless and ruthless and hack our enemies apart with a real love for the work.”
“It’s nice to enjoy what you do,” Amber said.
Terrance nodded, his brain not working well enough to lend him words in a coherent order at the moment.
“It was nice meeting you, Terrance. Now I’m going to go make myself one of those fruity alcohol drinks.” She walked off, and Terrance had to force himself to stop staring at her as she left.
Lacey chuckled. “Not a party without the boss around.”
“Despina is nice; she’s just a little annoying sometimes,” Shannon said. “She tells the cheesiest jokes. I think it’s just the way her generation is.”
“Her generation?” Terrance asked, barely hearing himself over the pounding of his heart.
Shannon shrugged. “I think she’s, like, thousands of years old.”
“By the way,” Lacey said, smiling apologetically, “Chet’s here.”
It was just what Terrance needed: more excitement. He began scanning the crowd, but realized he had no idea what Chet looked like out of armor.
Shannon glared at Lacey. “What? Why’d you invite him?”
“It just seemed it would be making too big a deal to tell him not to come. And I was hoping when he saw you with your new boyfriend, he’d get that it’s all over.”
“You really got my back, Lacey!” Shannon shouted.
Lacey waved her h
and in the air. “I’m sure Terrance can handle Chet if he does anything. Terrance is like…smart or something…I assume.”
Terrance was already feeling completely worn-out simply from meeting Shannon’s friends and her boss, and he didn’t feel like he could handle much more. He kept looking for whoever might be Chet, but didn’t see anyone definitive. He did see some pale-skinned, eyeless creature in armor, though. “I think I could use a drink.”
“Why don’t you go fetch one,” Shannon said. “I actually need to talk to Lacey alone for a minute.”
Terrance nodded and headed toward a keg. He felt like he could use a moment alone, but he also felt more exposed without Shannon at his side. Most of the people around looked normal, but there was also something abnormal about everything here. He couldn’t quite place his finger on it, but just felt generally disturbed. It seemed like a problem alcohol might solve.
He poured himself some beer from the keg and took a sip. No one seemed to be paying him any attention, which was Terrance’s comfortable norm for parties. He noticed some movement out of the corner of his eye, and looked up to see one of those dark things up on a pillar, hiding in the shadows and watching him with shining eyes. He felt a chill, but he stared back defiantly and made a gun shape with his hand, firing it at the creature. It reacted slightly, turning its head just a little bit and tensing its body as if preparing to pounce.
Then he saw something rush toward him. Something small.
“Squirrel!” Terrance shouted as he tripped over his own feet trying to dodge the creature, falling against a nearby table and spilling his beer on the stone floor, which would have been upsetting if it weren’t Coors Light.
He couldn’t see the squirrel anymore and started to pick himself back up, but noticed something under the table: a little man. An elf, to be precise. He appeared to be the same one Terrance had met in that office building. He looked at Terrance, put a finger to his lips, and jumped down a hole.
Terrance had the urge to scream, the craziness overwhelming him, but he suppressed the feeling and got back to his feet. He found Karen standing next to him. “Life is just one weird, awkward adventure for you, isn’t it?”
Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled Page 12