“You seem mad. Was this not what you were expecting?”
“Yes, this was not what I was expecting!” Terrance yelled. “I need a weapon, not some trite little phrase! Can you at least get me my sword back?”
“It’s your sword; you’re its keeper. Only you control it.”
“So how do I get it back?”
“You decide that.”
Terrance wanted to overturn the stone table with the scroll on it, but it looked very heavy. “Please. I’ve been trying to be a hero; I’ve been trying to fight the evil. But I’m useless out there. I need help.”
“That is the problem: you’ve been trying. You need to do.”
Terrance wanted to scream. “Now you’re just paraphrasing Yoda! Why won’t you help me? Didn’t I pass your tests?”
“Yes…but they were kind of stupid tests.”
Terrance couldn’t really argue with that.
“Anyway, we’re done here. Do you want to take the scroll, in case you need to read it again?”
“I think I memorized it.” Terrance sighed.
“Okay. Well, I am going back to sleep. Yours is a nice quiet little universe to hide in…but I guess not so much for you. Keep the words of your prophecy in mind. And go on your way, defeat evil, remember that the power is inside you, believe in yourself, yadda yadda.”
“I don’t need a pep talk!” Terrance yelled. “You said before the first test that you’d give me answers, at least. So, what exactly is the Adversary? How do we defeat him? Am I really some sort of infinite being?”
“I said you would get answers. I did not say when or from whom.”
Terrance seethed quietly for a few moments. “Here’s what I’m going to do now: I’m going to take up tap dancing and practice it every day.”
“If you do, I will complain to your landlord.”
Terrance shuddered. “Don’t do that.”
Chapter 38
There was a ladder leading out of the pit, and the doors between the rooms were all open, so Terrance quickly made his way back outside the temple to the giant, crystal-lit cavern. He saw a small boat with oars at the stone dock, which he rowed back to shore. After he got out of the boat, he heard a splash behind him. He turned and saw Jenna sticking her head out of the water, a big shiner on her left eye.
“You gave me a black eye,” she said, frowning.
His first instinct was to apologize, as she was so pathetic-looking, but he stopped himself. “You tried to drown me. You got off easy.”
“And I think you really hurt Carl. Do you have a permit to carry around a gun like that?”
Terrance felt a small pang of fear. “I…uh…don’t have to show you that. Again, you tried to kill me. What was that all about?”
“Oh, it was nothing.” Jenna waved her hand dismissively. “It’s just what we water nymphs do. We try to seduce men using our feminine wiles, to trick them into the water so we can kill them. To be more progressive, we now sometimes try to do it with women too…but not as successfully. Not to be homophobic, but it kind of makes me uncomfortable to seduce and kill a woman.”
Terrance stared at her in disbelief. “And why do you do this?”
“I already told you: because I’m a water nymph. The others nymphs say I’m not that good at the seducing because I spend too much time reading comic books, but it really seems to me that most of it is just not having a shirt on.”
“Oh, you like comic books,” he said, laughing. “Who is your favorite superhero?”
Jenna thought for a moment. “Power Girl.”
Terrance grimaced. “Really? Out of curiosity, how do you read comic books?”
“I have a waterproof tablet, and I read them digitally.”
Terrance picked up his cellphone from the rock where he’d left it. “And you have money to buy them?”
“No, I just use credit card fraud,” Jenna explained cheerily.
“Have you ever thought about not murdering people and not committing credit card fraud?”
Jenna thought about it for a moment. “Nope. Hey, so how’d your quest go?”
“It was…pointless.”
Jenna frowned. “I’m sorry. Well, do you want to come in the water again? It’s nice and warm, and I won’t try drowning you this time.”
“No. Goodbye, Jenna.”
“See you around!” the mermaid called as Terrance walked away.
“Probably not,” Terrance answered. He made his way back to the long ladder and up to his apartment, where he changed into dry clothes and plopped down on the couch, trying to think of what to do next. He had been so certain this quest would finally make him a warrior—that he would get some new weapon and be what he knew he should be in the fight against evil. But he was still empty-handed. He would now give anything to at least get his sword back. He tried to remember when he first got the sword. He’d always thought the faeries had given it to him, but he didn’t recall any of them carrying it. It was just there on the ground after he talked to them. Did he make it appear?
Terrance closed his eyes and envisioned the sword lying in front of him. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was the blue bag with the video game from Shannon.
“Trying to use the Force, mate?”
Startled, Terrance turned to see Beauregard standing next to the couch. “You wouldn’t be able to help me get my sword back, would you?”
The elf hopped onto the couch. “Nope, not really in my wheelhouse. So you went on a big quest? Did the giant entity that lives below end up being any help?”
From Beauregard’s little smile, Terrance could tell he already knew the answer. “I received a prophecy: ‘Fear is your direction.’”
“And what do you fear right now?” Beauregard asked.
“Pretty much everything.”
The elf patted him on the back. “Then you have a lot of directions to choose from.”
Terrance took a deep breath. “Am I really an infinite being with great power to fight evil?”
“You look more like a schlub on a couch. You know, I told you not to get involved in all this. But no one listens to me. Like when I showed your friends the underground passage to the fortress on the mountain—I told them it wasn’t going to end well for them, but they didn’t listen.”
“You know where they are?” Vivian had seemed confident that Terrance would just find them after his quest, but he wasn’t sure how. He was about to try texting Talia, but then realized he’d never gotten her phone number.
“I know lots of things,” Beauregard said. “I just kind of hover around watching, observing. And somehow people get a sinister vibe from me.”
“You’re like a squirrel.”
“Exactly.”
Terrance stood up. “Can you take me to them?”
“That’s not a good idea. You don’t have a weapon, and even if you did…well, come on. How do you expect to be of any help to them?”
“I don’t know. I at least want to tell them that I tried, and to see if there is something I can do. Maybe I can just carry things, but I’m going.”
Beauregard hopped off the couch. “If you want, I can go tell them you completed your quest, but that you’re still weaponless and useless and will just get in their way.”
“I’m not abandoning them again. And I’m not abandoning this fight; I will not ignore the evil out there. I might not be able to do much, but I’m not doing nothing. You know what I’m afraid of? Giving up. I guess that gives me some direction.”
Beauregard laughed. “You people are such gluttons for punishment. You can’t even comprehend the danger you’re about to wander into.”
“I haven’t been able to comprehend a lot of things lately.” It would be lying for Terrance to say he wasn’t terrified, but he knew it was right to at least try to help the Infinite. And with nothing else making much sense, he’d stick to what little he knew. “Whose side are you on, anyway? All you ever seem to do is try to convince me to give up. Is that reverse psychology?”
“Could be regular psychology.”
Terrance studied Beauregard for a moment. “I’m not going to get straight answers out of you, am I?”
“Only to questions you’d rather not be answered.”
Terrance rolled his eyes. “So will you please take me to Vivian and the others?”
“Well, since you said the magic word, follow me.” Beauregard led him back down the ladder to the caverns below Terrance’s apartment. He took a different tunnel than the one that led to the lake, and soon it began to darken as no more crystals were visible in the walls. Just when there was nearly no light left, Terrance saw a minecart before them.
“Am I getting in that?”
Beauregard nodded. “Yep. Only way you’ll catch up with your friends. Ever ride a minecart before?”
Terrance climbed into the rusty metal cart. “Like in The Temple of Doom? No.”
“Well, this won’t be as scary as that, because you won’t be able to see anything.” Beauregard walked over and pulled a lever, and the cart started to click and clack down the track, a little uneasily at first but soon picking up speed. Almost immediately, Terrance was plunged into pitch darkness. The cart was shaking fiercely, and he felt he must be traveling at a tremendous speed, but he could see nothing around him to judge how fast he was going. Except for an occasional pair of shining eyes.
Terrance ducked further down into the cart, to get out of view of the eyes. Eventually, he felt the cart change speed, and he peeked out to see light ahead. The cart was about to careen into a wooden barrier, and he let out a yell, but it bumped against the barrier with only a slight jolt and came to a stop. Terrance peeked further up out of the cart and saw Vivian on the other side of the barrier, holding a torch.
“Wow, you do everything spazzy, don’t you?” Karen asked. She was standing behind Vivian along with Felicia, Donald, and Talia.
“How did the quest go?” Vivian asked.
Terrance climbed out of the cart as everyone looked at him expectantly (well, Talia just looked at him with her typical stoic, slightly disdainful gaze). “I completed it, I guess,” Terrance told them. “All I really got out of it was a…prophecy.”
“Did that help?” Vivian inquired.
Terrance shrugged, although “no” seemed like a more honest answer.
“Still haven’t gotten your sword back?” Talia asked.
“No.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure things out soon,” Donald said.
“Yeah, you completed a quest by yourself,” Felicia said. “That has to mean something.”
Terrance walked over to join them. “I hope so.”
“Anyway, we’ll be there soon,” Vivian said. “Just help how you can, and I’m sure you’ll do well.”
She and the others seemed sincere, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was the “special” kid whose self-esteem they were trying to improve. They continued their march through the dark caves, Vivian leading the way with her torch. Talia stayed at the rear and touched Terrance’s shoulder, slowing him so that they dropped a bit behind the others and could talk privately. “I just wanted to clarify about the kiss,” Talia whispered. “I’m not trying to have sex with you or anything.”
Terrance chuckled. “I know; women can’t control themselves around me because I have such animal magnetism.”
“You really don’t.”
Terrance’s smile disappeared. “So what did you want to clarify about the kiss?”
“Just that I didn’t want to have sex with you. I’m not that kind of girl.”
“The kind who has sex?”
“Relationships between people are not something to take lightly,” Talia said. “Lust makes you see people more as objects than as the beings they really are. It’s another thing in this world that pulls you into it and puts blinders on you, preventing you from seeing what truly is. Plus our relationships with other people define much of who we are—not just here but for our true selves beyond this world. So one must be quite careful with one’s relationships.”
Terrance sighed. “I already broke up with Shannon—and did it a second time in person before my quest—if that’s what you’re getting at. She said she’s going to kill me when she sees me again.”
“I wasn’t talking about you,” Talia snapped. “Not everything is about you. And it’s not unlikely that we’ll see Shannon soon, so I hope you’re prepared to fight her.”
“Oh, yeah. Super prepared. Have I shown you my invisible sword?”
Talia glared at him. “What is your problem? I’m getting really tired of your attitude. Everyone else is cheery, knowing they are in a worthwhile fight against evil and that we will win, while you do nothing but mope and brood.”
Terrance grimaced. “You’re not cheery.”
“I’m…cheery on the inside.”
“Well, I’m having a little trouble with the cheer, because as hard as I try at this, I don’t seem to get anywhere. I know it’s my own fault that I threw away my sword, but I was never any good with it anyway. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong; I went through this whole quest thing hoping that it would lead to my finally becoming a warrior or whatever it is we need, but all I got was a useless little phrase on a scroll and then was told, ‘Do or do not; there is no try.’”
Talia nodded. “That is your problem: you’re trying.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re the one who keeps pushing me to be more.”
“To be more, not try to be.” Talia thought for a moment. “Maybe I did wrong by you; you didn’t seem to get the message. You told me you fought a vampire while unarmed.”
“Yeah, he laid me down with one blow.”
“Why did you fight him?”
“He was about to bite some woman, so I felt I had to do something, but I didn’t have any ability to fight him.”
“And what happened to the woman?” Talia asked.
“Well, while the vampire smacked me, she snapped out of her trance and got away.”
“And later, you fought that demon to save those kids.”
Terrance sighed. “I had my sword that time, but it was swatted out of my hand before I even had a chance to swing it. I only survived because you saved me.”
“The kids got away because you intervened,” Talia said. “And in the food court, you helped me fight that Hollow One.”
“Yes, she had superpowers, and I’m not even good at using a sword against a regular person.”
“Yet you jumped right in, and we won that battle—a good part of that because you distracted her and tripped her up. And Karen told me how you took on a demon in your office.”
“Yeah, my boss.” Terrance shook his head. “I don’t even know what I was thinking there. I didn’t have my sword and knew I had no chance against him.”
“Yet you stood up to him,” Talia said.
“Well…yeah…but I would have been dead if not for Karen.”
“Yes, she told me how your fight inspired her to action. And today, did you not take on a quest by yourself, not knowing the danger?”
“It was pretty stupid,” Terrance said. “Though once again, it was demonstrated that I don’t know what I’m doing. I had to fight a giant Minotaur, and I barely lasted a second against it.”
“You thought you’d do better?”
“Well, I had hoped…but no, I didn’t really see how I could defeat it.”
“So why did you fight it even if you thought you couldn’t win?”
“The tester told me that you guys would be doomed if I didn’t finish the quest,” Terrance said. “It didn’t seem like I had a choice.”
“You had a choice. And you chose to face nearly certain death to help others.”
“And was easily defeated. I was just lucky the Minotaur didn’t actually kill me as part of the test.”
Talia shook her head. “I don’t know how you’re not getting this. Remember when you saved me?”
Terrance furrowed his brow. “When did
I save you?”
“When we first met. When they were going to feed me to that thing under your office building.”
“I didn’t save you. You broke free and saved yourself.”
She hesitated for a moment. “You know, their goal isn’t to kill us in this world—at least not until they break us first. They can only feed off of us if we do not fight back. Their forces got me at a bad time, and what you saw, I believe, was their idea of a final straw to break me. They wanted me to plead and cry for help in a room full of people while no one paid attention—to show me how fruitless resisting them was just before that creature tore me apart. But it didn’t work.” A tear slid down Talia’s cheek. “Someone spoke up. And that was enough to remind me what I am and that the forces of the Darkness are never as powerful as they seem. When others just watched as evil raged before them, you had the courage to act. And that saved me.”
Her face was very serious, as usual, but he detected something else in her expression: admiration. “I just did what it seemed like someone should do,” Terrance said.
“As you have done many other times, with good results. That is my point. You are trying to be a hero, but you have no reason to try. You just need to be what you already are.” She hesitated, then added, “Well, maybe that plus just a little bit more.” She pulled back her cloak and removed the sword and sheath from her right hip. “Here. Take this.”
“I couldn’t.”
“I have two. Just take it and stop worrying about your sword. You have the power to fight evil; just understand that.”
He took the sword and attached the sheath to his belt. He felt a little odd, wearing a girl’s sword, but it certainly made him feel better to have a weapon for taking on what lay ahead.
“There, you smiled,” Talia said, stoic as usual. “That’s the right attitude.”
“Hey, what are you two doing back there in the dark?” Karen called out.
They had let the others and Vivian’s single torch get quite a way ahead of them, so they ran to catch up. “Just making sure Terrance is prepared,” Talia said.
“Good, because we’re about there,” Vivian said, pointing ahead of them down the tunnel toward an eerie red glow.
Sidequest: In Realms Ungoogled Page 30