Right Ho, Jeeves

by P. G. Wodehouse

  -13-

  "Jeeves," I said.

  "Sir?"

  "I've just been having a chat with young Tuppy, Jeeves. Did youhappen to notice that he wasn't looking very roguish this morning?"

  "Yes, sir. It seemed to me that Mr. Glossop's face was sicklied o'er withthe pale cast of thought."

  "Quite. He met my cousin Angela in the larder last night, and a ratherpainful interview ensued."

  "I am sorry, sir."

  "Not half so sorry as he was. She found him closeted with asteak-and-kidney pie, and appears to have been a bit caustic about fatmen who lived for food alone."

  "Most disturbing, sir."

  "Very. In fact, many people would say that things had gone so far betweenthese two nothing now could bridge the chasm. A girl who could makecracks about human pythons who ate nine or ten meals a day and ought tobe careful not to hurry upstairs because of the danger of apoplectic fitsis a girl, many people would say, in whose heart love is dead. Wouldn'tpeople say that, Jeeves?"

  "Undeniably, sir."

  "They would be wrong."

  "You think so, sir?"

  "I am convinced of it. I know these females. You can't go by what theysay."

  "You feel that Miss Angela's strictures should not be taken too much_au pied de la lettre_, sir?"

  "Eh?"

  "In English, we should say 'literally'."

  "Literally. That's exactly what I mean. You know what girls are. A tiffoccurs, and they shoot their heads off. But underneath it all the oldlove still remains. Am I correct?"

  "Quite correct, sir. The poet Scott----"

  "Right ho, Jeeves."

  "Very good, sir."

  "And in order to bring that old love whizzing to the surface once more,all that is required is the proper treatment."

  "By 'proper treatment,' sir, you mean----"

  "Clever handling, Jeeves. A spot of the good old snaky work. I see whatmust be done to jerk my Cousin Angela back to normalcy. I'll tell you,shall I?"

  "If you would be so kind, sir."

  I lit a cigarette, and eyed him keenly through the smoke. He waitedrespectfully for me to unleash the words of wisdom. I must say for Jeevesthat--till, as he is so apt to do, he starts shoving his oar in andcavilling and obstructing--he makes a very good audience. I don't know ifhe is actually agog, but he looks agog, and that's the great thing.

  "Suppose you were strolling through the illimitable jungle, Jeeves, andhappened to meet a tiger cub."

  "The contingency is a remote one, sir."

  "Never mind. Let us suppose it."

  "Very good, sir."

  "Let us now suppose that you sloshed that tiger cub, and let us supposefurther that word reached its mother that it was being put upon. Whatwould you expect the attitude of that mother to be? In what frame of minddo you consider that that tigress would approach you?"

  "I should anticipate a certain show of annoyance, sir."

  "And rightly. Due to what is known as the maternal instinct, what?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "Very good, Jeeves. We will now suppose that there has recently been somelittle coolness between this tiger cub and this tigress. For some days,let us say, they have not been on speaking terms. Do you think that thatwould make any difference to the vim with which the latter would leap tothe former's aid?"

  "No, sir."

  "Exactly. Here, then, in brief, is my plan, Jeeves. I am going to draw myCousin Angela aside to a secluded spot and roast Tuppy properly."

  "Roast, sir?"

  "Knock. Slam. Tick-off. Abuse. Denounce. I shall be very terse aboutTuppy, giving it as my opinion that in all essentials he is more like awart hog than an ex-member of a fine old English public school. What willensue? Hearing him attacked, my Cousin Angela's womanly heart will be assick as mud. The maternal tigress in her will awake. No matter whatdifferences they may have had, she will remember only that he is the manshe loves, and will leap to his defence. And from that to falling intohis arms and burying the dead past will be but a step. How do you reactto that?"

  "The idea is an ingenious one, sir."

  "We Woosters are ingenious, Jeeves, exceedingly ingenious."

  "Yes, sir."

  "As a matter of fact, I am not speaking without a knowledge of the formbook. I have tested this theory."

  "Indeed, sir?"

  "Yes, in person. And it works. I was standing on the Eden rock at Antibeslast month, idly watching the bathers disport themselves in the water,and a girl I knew slightly pointed at a male diver and asked me if Ididn't think his legs were about the silliest-looking pair of props everissued to human being. I replied that I did, indeed, and for the space ofperhaps two minutes was extraordinarily witty and satirical about thisbird's underpinning. At the end of that period, I suddenly felt as if Ihad been caught up in the tail of a cyclone.

  "Beginning with a _critique_ of my own limbs, which she said, justlyenough, were nothing to write home about, this girl went on to dissect mymanners, morals, intellect, general physique, and method of eatingasparagus with such acerbity that by the time she had finished the bestyou could say of Bertram was that, so far as was known, he had neveractually committed murder or set fire to an orphan asylum. Subsequentinvestigation proved that she was engaged to the fellow with the legs andhad had a slight disagreement with him the evening before on the subjectof whether she should or should not have made an original call of twospades, having seven, but without the ace. That night I saw them diningtogether with every indication of relish, their differences made up andthe lovelight once more in their eyes. That shows you, Jeeves."

  "Yes, sir."

  "I expect precisely similar results from my Cousin Angela when I startroasting Tuppy. By lunchtime, I should imagine, the engagement will be onagain and the diamond-and-platinum ring glittering as of yore on herthird finger. Or is it the fourth?"

  "Scarcely by luncheon time, sir. Miss Angela's maid informs me that MissAngela drove off in her car early this morning with the intention ofspending the day with friends in the vicinity."

  "Well, within half an hour of whatever time she comes back, then. Theseare mere straws, Jeeves. Do not let us chop them."

  "No, sir."

  "The point is that, as far as Tuppy and Angela are concerned, we may saywith confidence that everything will shortly be hotsy-totsy once more.And what an agreeable thought that is, Jeeves."

  "Very true, sir."

  "If there is one thing that gives me the pip, it is two loving heartsbeing estranged."

  "I can readily appreciate the fact, sir."

  I placed the stub of my gasper in the ash tray and lit another, toindicate that that completed Chap. I.

  "Right ho, then. So much for the western front. We now turn to theeastern."

  "Sir?"

  "I speak in parables, Jeeves. What I mean is, we now approach the matterof Gussie and Miss Bassett."

  "Yes, sir."

  "Here, Jeeves, more direct methods are required. In handling the case ofAugustus Fink-Nottle, we must keep always in mind the fact that we aredealing with a poop."

  "A sensitive plant would, perhaps, be a kinder expression, sir."

  "No, Jeeves, a poop. And with poops one has to employ the strong,forceful, straightforward policy. Psychology doesn't get you anywhere.You, if I may remind you without wounding your feelings, fell into theerror of mucking about with psychology in connection with this Fink-Nottle,and the result was a wash-out. You attempted to push him over the line byrigging him out in a Mephistopheles costume and sending him off to afancy-dress ball, your view being that scarlet tights would emboldenhim. Futile."

  "The matter was never actually put to the test, sir."

  "No. Because he didn't get to the ball. And that strengthens my argument.A man who can set out in a cab for a fancy-dress ball and not get thereis manifestly a poop of no common order. I don't think I have ever knownanybody else who was such a dashed silly ass that he couldn't even get toa fancy-dress ball. Have you, Jeeves?"

&
nbsp; "No, sir."

  "But don't forget this, because it is the point I wish, above all, tomake: Even if Gussie had got to that ball; even if those scarlet tights,taken in conjunction with his horn-rimmed spectacles, hadn't given thegirl a fit of some kind; even if she had rallied from the shock and hehad been able to dance and generally hobnob with her; even then yourefforts would have been fruitless, because, Mephistopheles costume or noMephistopheles costume, Augustus Fink-Nottle would never have been ableto summon up the courage to ask her to be his. All that would haveresulted would have been that she would have got that lecture on newts afew days earlier. And why, Jeeves? Shall I tell you why?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "Because he would have been attempting the hopeless task of trying to dothe thing on orange juice."

  "Sir?"

  "Gussie is an orange-juice addict. He drinks nothing else."

  "I was not aware of that, sir."

  "I have it from his own lips. Whether from some hereditary taint, orbecause he promised his mother he wouldn't, or simply because he doesn'tlike the taste of the stuff, Gussie Fink-Nottle has never in the wholecourse of his career pushed so much as the simplest gin and tonic overthe larynx. And he expects--this poop expects, Jeeves--this wabbling,shrinking, diffident rabbit in human shape expects under these conditionsto propose to the girl he loves. One hardly knows whether to smile orweep, what?"

  "You consider total abstinence a handicap to a gentleman who wishes tomake a proposal of marriage, sir?"

  The question amazed me.

  "Why, dash it," I said, astounded, "you must know it is. Use yourintelligence, Jeeves. Reflect what proposing means. It means that adecent, self-respecting chap has got to listen to himself saying thingswhich, if spoken on the silver screen, would cause him to dash to thebox-office and demand his money back. Let him attempt to do it on orangejuice, and what ensues? Shame seals his lips, or, if it doesn't do that,makes him lose his morale and start to babble. Gussie, for example, as wehave seen, babbles of syncopated newts."

  "Palmated newts, sir."

  "Palmated or syncopated, it doesn't matter which. The point is that hebabbles and is going to babble again, if he has another try at it.Unless--and this is where I want you to follow me very closely,Jeeves--unless steps are taken at once through the proper channels. Onlyactive measures, promptly applied, can provide this poor, pusillanimouspoop with the proper pep. And that is why, Jeeves, I intend tomorrow tosecure a bottle of gin and lace his luncheon orange juice withit liberally."

  "Sir?"

  I clicked the tongue.

  "I have already had occasion, Jeeves," I said rebukingly, "to comment onthe way you say 'Well, sir' and 'Indeed, sir?' I take this opportunity ofinforming you that I object equally strongly to your 'Sir?' pure andsimple. The word seems to suggest that in your opinion I have made astatement or mooted a scheme so bizarre that your brain reels at it. Inthe present instance, there is absolutely nothing to say 'Sir?' about.The plan I have put forward is entirely reasonable and icily logical, andshould excite no sirring whatsoever. Or don't you think so?"

  "Well, sir----"

  "Jeeves!"

  "I beg your pardon, sir. The expression escaped me inadvertently. What Iintended to say, since you press me, was that the action which youpropose does seem to me somewhat injudicious."

  "Injudicious? I don't follow you, Jeeves."

  "A certain amount of risk would enter into it, in my opinion, sir. It isnot always a simple matter to gauge the effect of alcohol on a subjectunaccustomed to such stimulant. I have known it to have distressingresults in the case of parrots."

  "Parrots?"

  "I was thinking of an incident of my earlier life, sir, before I enteredyour employment. I was in the service of the late Lord Brancaster at thetime, a gentleman who owned a parrot to which he was greatly devoted, andone day the bird chanced to be lethargic, and his lordship, with thekindly intention of restoring it to its customary animation, offered it aportion of seed cake steeped in the '84 port. The bird accepted themorsel gratefully and consumed it with every indication of satisfaction.Almost immediately afterwards, however, its manner became markedlyfeverish. Having bitten his lordship in the thumb and sung part of asea-chanty, it fell to the bottom of the cage and remained there for aconsiderable period of time with its legs in the air, unable to move. Imerely mention this, sir, in order to----"

  I put my finger on the flaw. I had spotted it all along.

  "But Gussie isn't a parrot."

  "No, sir, but----"

  "It is high time, in my opinion, that this question of what young Gussiereally is was threshed out and cleared up. He seems to think he is a malenewt, and you now appear to suggest that he is a parrot. The truth of thematter being that he is just a plain, ordinary poop and needs a snootfulas badly as ever man did. So no more discussion, Jeeves. My mind is madeup. There is only one way of handling this difficult case, and that isthe way I have outlined."

  "Very good, sir."

  "Right ho, Jeeves. So much for that, then. Now here's something else: Younoticed that I said I was going to put this project through tomorrow, andno doubt you wondered why I said tomorrow. Why did I, Jeeves?"

  "Because you feel that if it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere wellit were done quickly, sir?"

  "Partly, Jeeves, but not altogether. My chief reason for fixing the dateas specified is that tomorrow, though you have doubtless forgotten, isthe day of the distribution of prizes at Market Snodsbury Grammar School,at which, as you know, Gussie is to be the male star and master of therevels. So you see we shall, by lacing that juice, not only embolden himto propose to Miss Bassett, but also put him so into shape that he willhold that Market Snodsbury audience spellbound."

  "In fact, you will be killing two birds with one stone, sir."

  "Exactly. A very neat way of putting it. And now here is a minor point.On second thoughts, I think the best plan will be for you, not me, tolace the juice."

  "Sir?"

  "Jeeves!"

  "I beg your pardon, sir."

  "And I'll tell you why that will be the best plan. Because you are in aposition to obtain ready access to the stuff. It is served to Gussiedaily, I have noticed, in an individual jug. This jug will presumably belying about the kitchen or somewhere before lunch tomorrow. It will bethe simplest of tasks for you to slip a few fingers of gin in it."

  "No doubt, sir, but----"

  "Don't say 'but,' Jeeves."

  "I fear, sir----"

  "'I fear, sir' is just as bad."

  "What I am endeavouring to say, sir, is that I am sorry, but I am afraidI must enter an unequivocal _nolle prosequi_."

  "Do what?"

  "The expression is a legal one, sir, signifying the resolve not toproceed with a matter. In other words, eager though I am to carry outyour instructions, sir, as a general rule, on this occasion I mustrespectfully decline to co-operate."

  "You won't do it, you mean?"

  "Precisely, sir."

  I was stunned. I began to understand how a general must feel when he hasordered a regiment to charge and has been told that it isn't in themood.

  "Jeeves," I said, "I had not expected this of you."

  "No, sir?"

  "No, indeed. Naturally, I realize that lacing Gussie's orange juice isnot one of those regular duties for which you receive the monthlystipend, and if you care to stand on the strict letter of the contract, Isuppose there is nothing to be done about it. But you will permit me toobserve that this is scarcely the feudal spirit."

  "I am sorry, sir."

  "It is quite all right, Jeeves, quite all right. I am not angry, only alittle hurt."

  "Very good, sir."

  "Right ho, Jeeves."