Right Ho, Jeeves

by P. G. Wodehouse

  -18-

  I eyed him narrowly. I didn't like his looks. Mark you, I don't say Iever had, much, because Nature, when planning this sterling fellow,shoved in a lot more lower jaw than was absolutely necessary and made theeyes a bit too keen and piercing for one who was neither an Empirebuilder nor a traffic policeman. But on the present occasion, in additionto offending the aesthetic sense, this Glossop seemed to me to be wearinga distinct air of menace, and I found myself wishing that Jeeves wasn'talways so dashed tactful. I mean, it's all very well to remove yourselflike an eel sliding into mud when the employer has a visitor, but thereare moments--and it looked to me as if this was going to be one ofthem--when the truer tact is to stick round and stand ready to lend ahand in the free-for-all.

  For Jeeves was no longer with us. I hadn't seen him go, and I hadn'theard him go, but he had gone. As far as the eye could reach, one notednobody but Tuppy. And in Tuppy's demeanour, as I say, there was a certainsomething that tended to disquiet. He looked to me very much like a manwho had come to reopen that matter of my tickling Angela's ankles.

  However, his opening remark told me that I had been alarming myselfunduly. It was of a pacific nature, and came as a great relief.

  "Bertie," he said, "I owe you an apology. I have come to make it."

  My relief on hearing these words, containing as they did no reference ofany sort to tickled ankles, was, as I say, great. But I don't think itwas any greater than my surprise. Months had passed since that painfulepisode at the Drones, and until now he hadn't given a sign of remorseand contrition. Indeed, word had reached me through private sources thathe frequently told the story at dinners and other gatherings and, whendoing so, laughed his silly head off.

  I found it hard to understand, accordingly, what could have caused him toabase himself at this later date. Presumably he had been given the elbowby his better self, but why?

  Still, there it was.

  "My dear chap," I said, gentlemanly to the gills, "don't mention it."

  "What's the sense of saying, 'Don't mention it'? I have mentioned it."

  "I mean, don't mention it any more. Don't give the matter anotherthought. We all of us forget ourselves sometimes and do things which, inour calmer moments, we regret. No doubt you were a bit tight at thetime."

  "What the devil do you think you're talking about?"

  I didn't like his tone. Brusque.

  "Correct me if I am wrong," I said, with a certain stiffness, "but Iassumed that you were apologizing for your foul conduct in looping backthe last ring that night in the Drones, causing me to plunge into theswimming b. in the full soup and fish."

  "Ass! Not that, at all."

  "Then what?"

  "This Bassett business."

  "What Bassett business?"

  "Bertie," said Tuppy, "when you told me last night that you were in lovewith Madeline Bassett, I gave you the impression that I believed you, butI didn't. The thing seemed too incredible. However, since then I havemade inquiries, and the facts appear to square with your statement. Ihave now come to apologize for doubting you."

  "Made inquiries?"

  "I asked her if you had proposed to her, and she said, yes, you had."

  "Tuppy! You didn't?"

  "I did."

  "Have you no delicacy, no proper feeling?"

  "No."

  "Oh? Well, right-ho, of course, but I think you ought to have."

  "Delicacy be dashed. I wanted to be certain that it was not you who stoleAngela from me. I now know it wasn't."

  So long as he knew that, I didn't so much mind him having no delicacy.

  "Ah," I said. "Well, that's fine. Hold that thought."

  "I have found out who it was."

  "What?"

  He stood brooding for a moment. His eyes were smouldering with a dullfire. His jaw stuck out like the back of Jeeves's head.

  "Bertie," he said, "do you remember what I swore I would do to the chapwho stole Angela from me?"

  "As nearly as I recall, you planned to pull him inside out----"

  "--and make him swallow himself. Correct. The programme still holdsgood."

  "But, Tuppy, I keep assuring you, as a competent eyewitness, that nobodysnitched Angela from you during that Cannes trip."

  "No. But they did after she got back."

  "What?"

  "Don't keep saying, 'What?' You heard."

  "But she hasn't seen anybody since she got back."

  "Oh, no? How about that newt bloke?"

  "Gussie?"

  "Precisely. The serpent Fink-Nottle."

  This seemed to me absolute gibbering.

  "But Gussie loves the Bassett."

  "You can't all love this blighted Bassett. What astonishes me is thatanyone can do it. He loves Angela, I tell you. And she loves him."

  "But Angela handed you your hat before Gussie ever got here."

  "No, she didn't. Couple of hours after."

  "He couldn't have fallen in love with her in a couple of hours."

  "Why not? I fell in love with her in a couple of minutes. I worshippedher immediately we met, the popeyed little excrescence."

  "But, dash it----"

  "Don't argue, Bertie. The facts are all docketed. She loves thisnewt-nuzzling blister."

  "Quite absurd, laddie--quite absurd."

  "Oh?" He ground a heel into the carpet--a thing I've often read about,but had never seen done before. "Then perhaps you will explain how it isthat she happens to come to be engaged to him?"

  You could have knocked me down with a f.

  "Engaged to him?"

  "She told me herself."

  "She was kidding you."

  "She was not kidding me. Shortly after the conclusion of this afternoon'sbinge at Market Snodsbury Grammar School he asked her to marry him, andshe appears to have right-hoed without a murmur."

  "There must be some mistake."

  "There was. The snake Fink-Nottle made it, and by now I bet he realizesit. I've been chasing him since 5.30."

  "Chasing him?"

  "All over the place. I want to pull his head off."

  "I see. Quite."

  "You haven't seen him, by any chance?"

  "No."

  "Well, if you do, say goodbye to him quickly and put in your order forlilies.... Oh, Jeeves."

  "Sir?"

  I hadn't heard the door open, but the man was on the spot once more. Myprivate belief, as I think I have mentioned before, is that Jeevesdoesn't have to open doors. He's like one of those birds in India whobung their astral bodies about--the chaps, I mean, who having gone intothin air in Bombay, reassemble the parts and appear two minutes later inCalcutta. Only some such theory will account for the fact that he's notthere one moment and is there the next. He just seems to float from SpotA to Spot B like some form of gas.

  "Have you seen Mr. Fink-Nottle, Jeeves?"

  "No, sir."

  "I'm going to murder him."

  "Very good, sir."

  Tuppy withdrew, banging the door behind him, and I put Jeeves abreast.

  "Jeeves," I said, "do you know what? Mr. Fink-Nottle is engaged to myCousin Angela."

  "Indeed, sir?"

  "Well, how about it? Do you grasp the psychology? Does it make sense?Only a few hours ago he was engaged to Miss Bassett."

  "Gentlemen who have been discarded by one young lady are often apt toattach themselves without delay to another, sir. It is what is known as agesture."

  I began to grasp.

  "I see what you mean. Defiant stuff."

  "Yes, sir."

  "A sort of 'Oh, right-ho, please yourself, but if you don't want me,there are plenty who do.'"

  "Precisely, sir. My Cousin George----"

  "Never mind about your Cousin George, Jeeves."

  "Very good, sir."

  "Keep him for the long winter evenings, what?"

  "Just as you wish, sir."

  "And, anyway, I bet your Cousin George wasn't a shrinking,non-goose-bo-ing jellyfish like Gussi
e. That is what astounds me,Jeeves--that it should be Gussie who has been putting in all this heavygesture-making stuff."

  "You must remember, sir, that Mr. Fink-Nottle is in a somewhat inflamedcerebral condition."

  "That's true. A bit above par at the moment, as it were?"

  "Exactly, sir."

  "Well, I'll tell you one thing--he'll be in a jolly sight more inflamedcerebral condition if Tuppy gets hold of him.... What's the time?"

  "Just on eight o'clock, sir."

  "Then Tuppy has been chasing him for two hours and a half. We must savethe unfortunate blighter, Jeeves."

  "Yes, sir."

  "A human life is a human life, what?"

  "Exceedingly true, sir."

  "The first thing, then, is to find him. After that we can discuss plansand schemes. Go forth, Jeeves, and scour the neighbourhood."

  "It will not be necessary, sir. If you will glance behind you, you willsee Mr. Fink-Nottle coming out from beneath your bed."

  And, by Jove, he was absolutely right.

  There was Gussie, emerging as stated. He was covered with fluff andlooked like a tortoise popping forth for a bit of a breather.

  "Gussie!" I said.

  "Jeeves," said Gussie.

  "Sir?" said Jeeves.

  "Is that door locked, Jeeves?"

  "No, sir, but I will attend to the matter immediately."

  Gussie sat down on the bed, and I thought for a moment that he was goingto be in the mode by burying his face in his hands. However, he merelybrushed a dead spider from his brow.

  "Have you locked the door, Jeeves?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "Because you can never tell that that ghastly Glossop may not take itinto his head to come----"

  The word "back" froze on his lips. He hadn't got any further thana _b_-ish sound, when the handle of the door began to twist and rattle.He sprang from the bed, and for an instant stood looking exactly like apicture my Aunt Agatha has in her dining-room--The Stag at Bay--Landseer.Then he made a dive for the cupboard and was inside it before one reallygot on to it that he had started leaping. I have seen fellows late forthe 9.15 move less nippily.

  I shot a glance at Jeeves. He allowed his right eyebrow to flickerslightly, which is as near as he ever gets to a display of the emotions.

  "Hullo?" I yipped.

  "Let me in, blast you!" responded Tuppy's voice from without. "Who lockedthis door?"

  I consulted Jeeves once more in the language of the eyebrow. He raisedone of his. I raised one of mine. He raised his other. I raised my other.Then we both raised both. Finally, there seeming no other policy topursue, I flung wide the gates and Tuppy came shooting in.

  "Now what?" I said, as nonchalantly as I could manage.

  "Why was the door locked?" demanded Tuppy.

  I was in pretty good eyebrow-raising form by now, so I gave him a touchof it.

  "Is one to have no privacy, Glossop?" I said coldly. "I instructed Jeevesto lock the door because I was about to disrobe."

  "A likely story!" said Tuppy, and I'm not sure he didn't add "Forsooth!""You needn't try to make me believe that you're afraid people are goingto run excursion trains to see you in your underwear. You locked thatdoor because you've got the snake Fink-Nottle concealed in here. Isuspected it the moment I'd left, and I decided to come back andinvestigate. I'm going to search this room from end to end. I believehe's in that cupboard.... What's in this cupboard?"

  "Just clothes," I said, having another stab at the nonchalant, thoughextremely dubious as to whether it would come off. "The usual wardrobe ofthe English gentleman paying a country-house visit."

  "You're lying!"

  Well, I wouldn't have been if he had only waited a minute beforespeaking, because the words were hardly out of his mouth before Gussiewas out of the cupboard. I have commented on the speed with which he hadgone in. It was as nothing to the speed with which he emerged. There wasa sort of whir and blur, and he was no longer with us.

  I think Tuppy was surprised. In fact, I'm sure he was. Despite theconfidence with which he had stated his view that the cupboard containedFink-Nottles, it plainly disconcerted him to have the chap fizzing out athim like this. He gargled sharply, and jumped back about five feet. Thenext moment, however, he had recovered his poise and was galloping downthe corridor in pursuit. It only needed Aunt Dahlia after them, shouting"Yoicks!" or whatever is customary on these occasions, to complete theresemblance to a brisk run with the Quorn.

  I sank into a handy chair. I am not a man whom it is easy to discourage,but it seemed to me that things had at last begun to get too complex forBertram.

  "Jeeves," I said, "all this is a bit thick."

  "Yes, sir."

  "The head rather swims."

  "Yes, sir."

  "I think you had better leave me, Jeeves. I shall need to devote the veryclosest thought to the situation which has arisen."

  "Very good, sir."

  The door closed. I lit a cigarette and began to ponder.