A Cruel Kind of Beautiful

by Michelle Hazen

  Jacob stares across the lawn, his knuckles white where they’re clamped around his wrist.

  “I know you can’t take a chance on me,” I say. “You’re probably biting back a million terribly sweet things to say right now, because you’ve told yourself you can’t do this for me. For Maya’s sake, you have to wait for me to be ready, or I’ll take off on you guys the next time I get scared.”

  His face is perfectly, absolutely blank, and in that, I read everything I need to see.

  “When are you going to admit I know you, Jacob?” I smile, tilting my head. “Or should I say when the f-u-c-k are you going to admit—”

  He grabs my hand before I finish the sentence, squeezing it tight like he’s afraid, even though he still stares straight forward. I glory in the pressure, hopeful goosebumps appearing all up my arms. This is what I was missing, all those other times. In every relationship, you fall short or they do...until the last one. And then you’re stretching so far there’s no going back and you can feel the wind whistling against your face as you fall. But if you’re both reaching, you catch each other’s hands at the very last minute and it makes the perfect bridge.

  “You don’t have to hang on, you know. I’m not going anywhere.” I bump him with my shoulder. “I’m going to stay right here and screw up like crazy, and if nothing else, Maya will grow up knowing that in this family, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”

  He finally turns to look at me, his eyes searching my face like he’s afraid I’ll take it back. And nothing has ever made me feel safer than seeing how much he wants that future, too.

  I just smile. “I do admit, though, I could use a lesson or two in playing Barbies.”

  I FOLLOW THEM HOME. Which isn’t as creepy as it sounds, because Jacob invited me. When we get to his apartment, I jump out and book it over to his car, determined to redeem myself in the area of car seat operation. When I open the back door, though, Maya’s asleep with her head at an angle that would send me straight to the chiropractor.

  Carefully, I unbuckle her and slide the car seat straps from under her little hands, nearly suffocating myself because I hold my breath the whole time I’m trying to detangle the straps from her hair.

  Behind me, Jacob chuckles, low and deep. My scalp tickles with pleasure at the sound I haven’t heard for far too many days. “You don’t have to be that careful. We could play a game of volleyball over her right now. She won’t wake up until the second I tiptoe out of the room.”

  I glance back, and he holds out his hands to take his sister. “Can I carry her in?” I whisper.

  His eyes shade to a deeper brown in an instant, and he clears his throat. “Sure.”

  I pick her up, biting my lip when her head kind of flops under its own weight. They said you don’t have to support the neck after the first few months, but I’m not entirely sure I trust “them” anymore. Once I get her bottom safely propped on my arm, I cradle the back of her head. Her shoes dangle, knees bumping my metal-studded belt. I leave Jacob to get the stroller and bag, because I need both hands to be sure I don’t drop her.

  Even through my jacket, she’s warm, all her weight utterly slack as if there’s no question that I’ll hold her up. My heart squeezes, and I look both ways six times before I cross the street. If someone tried to take her from me right now, I’d claw them down to their bone marrow. I sneak a kiss to her soft forehead when no one is looking.

  Jacob slips around me, carrying both the navy diaper bag and stroller while he unlocks the door for us.

  I cup Maya’s head into my neck. She’s so delicate, like anything could break her. But with her weight in my arms, I suddenly have the strength of thousands. Is this how Jacob felt when he realized Maya was about to be his responsibility? Maybe it’s not that he already knew he’d be a good parent. Maybe it’s more that when something so innocent trusts you, you expand until you’re whatever you need to be.

  Jacob opens the door to his room and steps aside to let us in. I tighten my abs, so careful as I bend to lower her to her toddler bed. Maya sprawls across the mattress, her fingers twitching once as she sleeps. Her brother sits on the end of the bed to take off her shoes, his big fingers deft on the doll-sized buckles. I bite my lip, watching.

  This is a whole new Jacob I never got to meet in the weeks we were dating. He’s got the same quiet confidence, but there’s a maturity to him when he’s with Maya. Like there’s no room for doubt when it comes to being whatever she needs. I was sure I couldn’t possibly love him more, but it’s like my heart grows to make space for this new side to him. I don’t know how I could have thought I knew him without it.

  I move aside as he pulls a purple fleece blanket over Maya’s legs, tucking it over her hands, which are probably still chilled from being outside so long. He leaves her jacket on, though, so he doesn’t have to wake her. He looks up at me, touching a finger to his lips. I nod.

  We both draw up onto our toes, creeping in utter silence out of the room. I hold my breath as he eases the door closed without even a click of the latch.

  When we get to the living room, all I want to do is grab him and hold onto him for thirty or forty years. Instead I look up, the coffee table still between us when I ask, “Can I see you again? Soon?”

  He closes his eyes, and swallows.

  I’m not going to give him a chance to say no, and I’ll do anything I have to do.

  I close my eyes, too, letting all my weight fall forward. There’s a stomach pitching moment when I pass the moment of no return and I have to force my legs not to take a step forward to catch me. Despite my best efforts, my arms leap up to break my fall just as my face hits something hard.

  “What were you thinking, Jera?” Jacob’s arms tighten around me, my nose a little sore from where it scuffed the front of his sweatshirt. “I was on the other side of the table, with my freaking eyes closed! What would you have done if I wouldn’t have caught you?”

  I smile, but I don’t stand up yet, because I know as long as he’s supporting my weight, he won’t let me go. “Then I’d have a nasty headache and you’d probably feel guilty enough to give me a second date.” I gather my feet underneath me and sneak a kiss onto his cheek before he can stop me. “Besides, I happen to know you’re pretty fast, Mr. Baseball Star.”

  He steps back, his brow still furrowed a little. There’s a sound from the back hallway like something plastic hitting the floor, and I’m afraid I might have just woken up Maya.

  “Listen,” I say, “I have to go out of town for a couple of days, but when I get back, I’m going to have a present for you.”

  “Where are you—Okay.”

  I refuse to let my smile die just because he’s not allowing himself to ask questions yet. I hurt him when I ran out, and it’s going to take me some time to heal those wounds. He said “okay” and that’s all that matters.

  He caught me.

  I touch his arm, my thumb sweeping over his bicep. “I’ll call you the second I get back to Portland, all right?”

  He jerks a nod. His face is stiff, but I know Jacob. I’m almost completely sure he’s going to forgive me. The key word being “almost.”

  Luckily, I still have one last trick up my sleeve.

  Chapter 29: Two Gifts

  I feel like an asshole for making Jacob come to my house, so to make up for it, I wait outside on the porch for him. On the other hand, I’d feel like more of an asshole if Ben walked in on what we’re about to do, so there’s that. It also doesn’t hurt that I’m less jittery when I’m farther away from what waits inside.

  I catch myself pulling up the grass at the side of the sidewalk, and fold my hands back into my lap. Less jittery does not equal calm. Especially since I’m about to see Jacob alone for the first time since we were naked in his bed together. I shiver and tuck my jacket more closely around me, staring into the cone of light the streetlight casts in front of my house. It’s kind of late now, since he had to wait for Hayden to get off work and come pick up Maya
. I got back this afternoon, and it already feels like I’ve had to wait an eternity to see him again.

  As if I wished him into reality, Jacob’s car pulls into that spot of light and parks. I check my phone. Three minutes early. God bless that boy and his engineer’s mind, because I can’t be responsible for the laps my mind would have been jogging if he’d been late. Except, no. I can and will be responsible for my own thoughts, and today, they are going to be nothing but positive.

  I meet Jacob in the middle of my lawn. I was hoping for a hug, but his hands are firmly in his hoodie pockets. So we’re still in this stage, apparently.

  Think positive.

  He stops without going closer to the house. “How was your trip?”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “Did you talk to Danny? Tell me he didn’t ruin my surprise, or his shins are going to be in danger of a sincere kicking.”

  “No, you told me you were going out of town, remember?”

  “Oh, that’s right.”

  Crickets don’t fill the silence as we stand awkwardly in the middle of my lawn, but that’s probably because it’s the middle of winter and they all froze to death months ago.

  Think positive.

  I smile. “I brought you back a present! Two presents. Okay, one I bought here in town”—don’t throw up, throwing up is not sexy, oh my God what was I thinking—“and one I brought back for you from, uh, somewhere.” I crank my smile up another notch. “Wanna come inside?”

  I may be imagining it, but I think Jacob’s eyes looked a little fond. Just for a second. “Okay,” he says. “It’s still two weeks until Christmas, though. I don’t have anything for you.”

  Don’t make a dirty joke. If you make a dirty joke, you’ll blush, and if you blush, you might throw up, and throwing up is not sexy.

  Instead, I focus on the other part of his statement. “Trust me, you’re going to need those weeks to brace yourself for the Christmas Eve dinner my family is kidnapping you for. My mom wants to meet you and Maya like yesterday, but she’ll wait until Christmas Eve as long as I don’t give her your address, or last name, or anything else she can use to track you down so she can show up on your porch with a fruitcake.”

  As I chatter, I turn the knob to open the front door for us, and warm air washes over my numbed cheeks. I didn’t think I’d been waiting outside long enough to get chilled, but apparently I went out to wait for Jacob earlier than I thought.

  “You told your mom about me? And Maya?”

  I’m going to try not to be offended that he sounds skeptical. “I told Mom and Dad about you, and Maya, and Ben, and Hayden. All of whom they invited over for Christmas Eve dinner, though I’ll understand if your whole family doesn’t want to be subjected to mine. Mom’s fine, but my dad lives to embarrass me.”

  I head toward my bedroom, then remember and circle back for the first present, but once I grab it, there’s too much energy in my legs to stand still, so I loop once more around the coffee table before I stop in front of Jacob.

  “I hope you don’t mind—I sent them a picture. Just of you. I didn’t take any of Maya when we were at the zoo, because I was too nervous. I have a picture of Ben but his emo bangs were taking over his face that day and he looks all pouty, so I thought I’d wait and not ruin their first impression of him. He really is less moody in person. A little.”

  Jacob looks down at me, and his mouth still isn’t smiling but his eyes are. “You make it really hard to stay mad at you, you know that?”

  I blow out a breath and let my head sag until my forehead rests on the front of his hoodie. Because this seems like the physical manifestation of positive thinking, and because his words leave me a little dizzy with relief, and also because he smells insanely good. “There is literally nothing you could say that I would want to hear more. You’re off the hook for Christmas presents this year, Tate.”

  His arms come around me, resting on my shoulders as he pulls me into a hug. “How about I missed you? Because I did.”

  I grin so hard I might have left a cheek imprint in his shirt. “Okay, you’re off the hook for birthday presents, too. Wanna keep going? I’ve got a whole lifetime of holidays to pass out coupons for.” I am the queen of positive thinking.

  His lips brush over my hair. “No deal. You’re saying a whole lot of right things right now, and it’s making me want to give you more presents, not less.”

  I pull back and beam up at him. “Like what?”

  He smiles, and seeing him happy again is like every Christmas light in the world shining out of the center of my chest. “You first. I’ve got three days of curiosity built up and I want to see my present.”

  I pull the small package out from between our bodies, holding it up. I frown a little when I see that the paper got wrinkled. I wrapped this sucker twice already, because the first time the design on the wrapping paper wasn’t straight. I mean, usually I’m not above wrapping things in paper grocery sacks but this one was important.

  He pauses, looking between me and the CD-shaped package. “Is this your new album? Can you make a new album in three days? How many record companies ended up calling?” He grins. “Oh man, I’m going to sell my story to the tabloids when you win your first Grammy. I broke Jera McKnight’s window. Did you save the newspaper that did it? Tell me you saved the newspaper. I’m going to sell that thing on eBay and pay my whole senior year’s tuition.”

  I laugh. All that from seeing I got him a CD? Good thing it isn’t just Pearl Jam or something. “Slow it down, Sparky. I don’t think anybody’s going to be auctioning my fingernail clippings anytime soon. And frankly, that level of fame is normally saved for the lead singer.” I smile. “Aww, Jax would love that. He’d stop biting his fingernails just so they could auction the clippings.” I hook a finger in Jacob’s hoodie pocket, practically glowing at how much he believes in my band. “Just open it.”

  He rips the paper off. The CD cover is blank. I had this whole idea of me laying on top of a piano with my hair spread out around me—clothed, for the record—but what with flying to San Francisco and all, I didn’t have time to make it happen. He opens the case, and there’s a neat song list inside. His brow creases as he reads, because I know he owns them all already. The crease deepens when he makes it to the last song on the list, which is simply named “Falling.”

  “Who...Is this your band?”

  “Just me,” I say. “I covered all the classic Norah Jones songs, and while I was in California, I wrote a new one for you.”

  His lips part slightly, and he’s just staring at me.

  I talk faster to drown out the pounding of my heart. “Originally, they were all Garage Band recordings, but as a gift, Cornerstone gave me a little studio time to play with while we were down there taking meetings. Most of them aren’t full ensemble, because we didn’t have the time to record so many different tracks. So a lot of the songs are unrehearsed, just me and a guitar or a piano. For a couple of the tracks, Jax did the guitar so we could get them all recorded in a single afternoon.”

  “Cornerstone?” His eyes light up. “They were the ones you made me listen to that put out that grand piano and gritty bass pairing, right? With the electric violin intro?”

  I can’t hold back my grin any longer, wrapping my arms around Jacob and hugging him again just for remembering that. “Hells yes they are. You’re never going to go back to Norah after you hear this—the sound engineer they loaned me is a freaking wizard. He did things with the upper range of my voice levels that you can’t even imagine.”

  “I don’t think I want to hear what he did with the upper range of your voice levels.” Jacob frowns.

  I laugh. “You know, I never thought I’d be into a jealous guy, but on you, it looks a little hot.”

  “You’re just saying that because you saw the boner I just got over this CD.”

  My eyebrows head for the ceiling. “Did you really just use the word ‘boner’?” I snort. “Just for that, I’m revoking your second present.”

>   He grabs me around the waist and hauls me in for a kiss. It’s rough and hot, his teeth nipping at my lips right before his tongue sweeps over them. “Not acceptable. I want my second present.”

  I grab his hand and squeeze maybe a little too hard. “Your wish is my command.” I start to lead him down the hall, and he stops us, holding up his CD.

  “Wait. I want my second present, but I have to listen to this first. Did you really write me a song?”

  “I have written you a lot of songs,” I admit. After I kissed him at my concert. After our first date. After my eyes were too tired to read another parenting article, and my fingers were still too afraid to dial his number. “The one on the CD is just the least angsty. Look, you can listen to that CD until it wears out. Later. Right now, you have to open your other present before I lose my nerve.”

  His hand closes more firmly around mine. “What is it you need nerve for?”

  I lead him to my bedroom door, and step aside so he can see. In this world, there are people who could describe my gift to him out loud without wanting to hide under the couch, and those people are not me.

  The quilt over my bed folds back to reveal the fresh sheets: light blue flannel with a print of fluffy clouds. The color perfectly showcases the black nylon and shining metal of the ropes snaking out from under each corner of the mattress, the wrist and ankle cuffs waiting in the center.

  Someone swallows audibly. I think it was him. It better have been him.

  Chapter 30: Happy Endings

  “Are you sure about this?”

  The breath that explodes out of me sounds a lot like a laugh. “Jacob, when a girl asks you to tie her up and have sex with her, you’re not supposed to ask if she’s sure.”

  “Um, actually, I’m pretty sure you are.”

  I refuse to smile at that. “I’m pretty sure you should shut up, Captain Obvious. And take off your pants.” My hand rises to the zipper of my jacket and I drag it down, spreading open one side of my jacket, and then the other to expose the surprise waiting underneath.