Addicted to You

by Porscha Sterling

  * * *

  Love,

  * * *

  Sage

  * * *

  P.S. “Our love is right side up and as strong as a tree. Addicted to you, forever I’ll be. I have you and you have me. Forever, until eternity. I’ll always come back to you.”

  * * *

  My blood froze in my veins, my heart beats slowed in pace, and I felt a thin layer of sweat begin to bead up at my hairline.

  “Our love is right side up and as strong as a tree. Addicted to you, forever I’ll be. I have you and you have me. Forever, until eternity. I’ll always come back to you.”

  Those words were attached to a memory that I was able to remember for the first time.

  With teeth gritted from an equal amount of anguish and confusion, I opened my car door. I swallowed hard, pushing the lump in my throat to my chest, then got out and began to walk towards the front door. The pressure made me feel like there was a weight on my head. Even sticking my key in the lock on the door and twisting it seemed like an impossible feat.

  I pushed open the door, stepped over the threshold and closed it behind me, all the while staring at my daughter. She was jumping up and down on the couch, singing to the top of her lungs the theme song to some show with puppets and a Black DJ. It was a show that Tami had hated, but I’d always let her watch it anyway.

  Careful to stay unseen, I slid past her and walked to the kitchen. When I arrived inside, Sage was still there. Her back was to me and she was humming some song that sounded slightly familiar as she washed dishes. I was standing not too far behind her, silent and watching intently. In my mind, I was wondering how much I really knew about the woman that I loved.

  Still humming to herself, Sage turned off the running water and grabbed a towel to dry the dishes.

  “Ink!” she exclaimed, jumping with surprise when she turned around and saw me standing behind her. “Oh my god, baby. I didn’t know you were still here.”

  Giggling to herself, she placed her hand on her belly and dropped her head as she took a moment to laugh. The soft ringlets on the crown of her head danced as she shook her head from side to side. Ever since I told her how much I loved her hair that way, she’d continued getting the hairstyle.

  “You scared me to death.” She laughed and ran her fingers through her hair. “Did you forget something?”

  Ignoring her question, I began to step forward, closing the gap between us as much as I could until I was unable to walk any closer. The same perfume that had made my dick hard was now making me sick. There was a sour taste in the back of my throat, with what felt like a lump lodged right beneath it. I cleared my throat and fought through the wave of nausea that washed over me in order to speak.

  “Tell me how you did it.”

  Sage’s brows furrowed and her jaw slightly dropped in confusion.

  “Huh? Tell you how I did what, Ink?”

  I took a step closer, wanting to be sure that I was heard. She rested her hand on top of her belly and, for the first time since the moment she had told me that she was pregnant, I regretted that she was the woman who I’d chosen to nurture and grow my seed.

  “Tell me how you did it,” I repeated. “Tell how you killed Tami.”

  35

  Sage

  * * *

  Before that moment, everything was perfect. Before that moment, I was the fiancée to a man whose child I was carrying. My bonus daughter was in the living room singing to the top of her lungs, and I was washing dishes from the breakfast I’d prepared on the first full day that we’d spend in our new home.

  Later that day, I had a surprise planned for Tamiyah. She didn’t know anything about it and neither did Ink.

  After Kale was sentenced for Tami’s murder, we were able to go on with our lives and things naturally fell into place. Tamiyah began to see me as her mother and our relationship grew quickly. It was almost like Tami had been gone years before Ink meeting me. In ways, I guess she had. It was no secret that she hated being a mother and rarely spent time with her child.

  Even though that were true, I knew from personal experience that for a young girl, a mother is a person who could never be replaced, even if her presence was toxic in your life. I never considered my own mother as anything but a host but the fact that my father and stepmother pretended like she never existed, like she was some mystery woman, a ghost who had dropped me off and was done with me, had left a huge void.

  For that reason, I wanted to make sure that Tamiyah was able to honor her mother and remember the good memories, however few there were. So, unknown to her and Ink, I had made sure to take down the memorial they’d made for Tami at the old house and I had brought it there. I was planning to take Tamiyah into the area behind the house that I used to play in as a child and place it there.

  It was a forest of trees and I’d run away there to escape the hateful stares my stepmother shot my way when my daddy wasn’t around. There was a small cave that I would hide in and make believe that I was speaking to my mother who, in my mind of make-believe, cared for and protected me. I planned to tell Tamiyah about the place and let her know that whenever she missed her mother, she could go there to speak to her. We would construct the memorial in a spot nearby and whisper a few words to update her on all the good things that had happened since she’d died.

  I already had the spot picked out and I couldn’t wait to take Tamiyah there. It was perfect. Especially since, unlike where they first had the memorial, that was actually where Tami’s body was buried.

  “Tell me how you did it. Tell me how you killed Tami.”

  It took a moment for me to register what Ink was saying because his tone, body language, and the angst I saw in his expression didn’t seem to match his words. Though tense, his voice was even and calm. But his eyes were tapered at the ends, as if suppressing his rage.

  “Ink, let’s not talk about this now.” I cut my eyes to the wall, reminding him that Tamiyah was only on the other side.

  “Don’t worry about my daughter,” he said in a way that made me feel like I’d been cut. “You need to worry about what I asked. Now answer me.”

  He moved forward and grabbed my arms, squeezing them so hard that my skin began to burn. My bottom lip trembled as I looked up in his eyes, trying to read his thoughts.

  “Speak!” He gritted through his teeth.

  “I—I...” I licked my lips as tears pooled in my eyes. “I didn’t do anything!”

  “You’re a fucking liar!” he hissed, and his fingers dug even further into my skin.

  Tears stung my eyes and I bit down on my bottom lip as I tried to break away. He held on even firmer, and it took Tamiyah running into the kitchen before he reluctantly let me go.

  “Mimi Sage, is everything okay?” she asked, looking from Ink to me.

  Accusations of what she assumed he’d done to me were all in her eyes. I noticed it and so did Ink. I’d won over his daughter to the point that, if she thought he was causing me harm, she was ready to come to my defense.

  “Yes, it is, baby,” I told her, rubbing my arm while trying to blink back my tears. “Why don’t you go outside and play for a little bit? I bought you something. Go check under the dining room table in that bag.”

  “Yay!” she screamed before doing as I’d asked.

  The entire time she was gone, Ink’s eyes stayed on mine, shooting rays of hatred and anger into my face. I felt a sudden sharp stabbing feeling in my stomach and winced. With my hand on my belly, I was able to force a smile on my face just as Tamiyah came back into the room.

  “You got me skates! Thank you!” She ran over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. “I love you, Mimi Sage.”

  Wiping a tear from my cheek, I hugged her back like it would be my last time.

  “I love you, too.”

  She left and Ink and I sat in silence until the moment that we heard the front door slam behind her. That time, I was the first to speak.

  “Ink, listen to me, please. I’
ll tell you whatever you want me to say, but—”

  He lifted a hand in the air to stop me.

  “You made my daughter love you. You made her love you after you took her mother from her.”

  My heart felt like it was breaking into pieces. My entire life I’d always felt like I wasn’t wanted by the ones I loved the most. My father, being that I was his only child and he was a man bound by his sense of responsibility, raised me because he had to. He gave me as much love as his guilt would allow him to, but it never was the way a father should love his child.

  My stepmother was the closest thing I had to a real mother and I wanted her love so bad that it hurt. She never accepted me, and she made it clear that my presence caused her constant pain. Even when she spoke to me, she did it in ways that seemed more like she was speaking to herself, never actually addressing me like I was actually in the room. There was only one time I could remember her actually speaking directly to me like I was a person—a real person with real feelings and not a problem my father had created for her to tolerate.

  “Not everyone is meant to be a parent, Sage. Your mother definitely wasn’t. You don’t understand it now but some people are more valuable dead than alive. When you weigh all the destruction they cause to others and how much pain they bring to the lives of everyone around them, you see things differently.”

  With tears in my eyes, I sat silently with my head bowed as she continued. In the corner of the room were my suitcases filled with everything I would need for the camp that my father was sending me to. My stepmother was standing in front of the mirror ahead of me, putting makeup on her face so that she could be flawless for my trip to the airport.

  “A rotten person doesn’t just destroy themselves; they bring everyone else down with them. Your mother tried to destroy a lot of lives: mine, your father’s. Before she was killed, she tried to destroy yours.”

  My head snapped up and rage filled my eyes.

  “No, she didn’t! She said she wanted to fight for me. She wanted to get me back.”

  My stepmother whirled around and frowned as she eyed me with her upper lip curled in disgust.

  “And what could she have given you for the exchange? You leave your life here and for what? To slum it in the projects with her? She had no money, no home to put you in. She just wanted to pull you into her misery so that she could use you to maintain leverage over a man. You were nothing but a guaranteed child support check as far as she was concerned. She was an evil woman and there is no cure for that. But now that she’s dead, we can all move on and live our lives without the threat of her ruining our happiness.”

  I hated hearing it at the time and it only made me hate my stepmother even more once she’d said it. It took over a decade for me to realize that what she’d said was true.

  Tami was a poison. She was an evil woman who was destroying the lives of everyone around her. Ink was an amazing man who she refused to let go because he didn’t want her. Like my mother, she was miserable and wanted him to join her in her misery. She had used Tamiyah like a pawn, never really seeing the value in the child who loved and needed her.

  The night at the shop when I kept Tamiyah busy as Ink fought with her outside, was when I began to form the basis of my plan. When I looked in Tamiyah’s eyes, I saw myself—what I could have become if my father had never taken me in. Her eyes were dark and sad, full of confusion over the rejection of her mother. She felt like something was wrong with her. Like something had to be because she was a child that not even a mother could love.

  By the time I picked her up from Kale’s house, I’d already determined that he would be the one to take the fall. In my mind, he was no better than Tami was. Instead of being a loyal friend to her, he was contributing to her sickness and dysfunction by supplying her drugs. Instead of being a loyal friend to Ink, he was betraying him by fucking his ex behind his back... and had been for a long time.

  I knew the day that Tami showed up at Ink’s house that I had to get things done and had to do it fast. There was one thing I knew about toxic people and I’d learned it firsthand—they had a hold on the ones who loved them. It was the way they were able to bring them down. Tami had a hold on Ink and, no matter what she did, he would always help her if she asked for it. And she would never stop asking.

  That day, I could see it in his eyes when I looked at him. Tami said she wanted his help and even though he would reject her for the moment, it wouldn’t last. She would be a constant source of turmoil in his life until the day she died.

  Ink had already given me an idea about how to do it. He told me about the roofies and, when you had money, everything came easy. After Tamiyah was in bed, I slipped one in his drink and waited for him to finish half of the glass before I pretended that I was leaving for the night. The drug was so powerful that Ink could barely walk me to the door and nearly stumbled over his own feet when he tried to kiss me goodbye.

  Not too long after, I knew that he would fall into a sleep so deep that not even the entire percussion section of a high school band could have awakened him. After driving a few circles around the neighborhood, I doubled back and crept in through the basement door, which I’d previously unlocked. I found Ink passed out in the living room, sleeping so soundly that I panicked and had to stare at his chest for a few seconds to make sure that he was still breathing.

  Once I slipped his phone from his pocket, I held it in front of his face, and peeled back his eyelids to allow the facial recognition software to grab a positive scan.

  I need to see you. I’m sorry about earlier. Tell me where you are so I can help you.

  With that text sent to Tami, I didn’t have to wait too long before she responded back. She was desperate, so eager for the attention of a man that she wasn’t good enough for. A man who pitied her but would never love her back.

  Pretending to be Ink, I told Tami where to meet me and when. I’d already scoped out the motel and knew it was the perfect place to help someone get away with murder. Ink was right about one thing; no matter how much of a junkie she was, there was no way she would be caught dead in a place like that. Well... not if it had been up to her, anyway.

  Junkies, pimps, prostitutes, and dope boys were their main clientele and, for that reason, they made it easy for them to feel at ease with breaking the law. The front desk clerk barely paid attention, didn’t ask to see ID and the security cameras were connected to a cheap mainframe right behind the front desk. I made a mental note to bring a cup of coffee with me to destroy the system on the night I would put my plan into action.

  Two hours before the time I told Tami to meet me at the hotel, I paid for a room in her name. When she arrived, I was already inside. The first time, I sunk the knife into her fast. I had been panicking and was losing my nerve but once she saw me, it was too late to change my mind. The knife made a sickening, squishy sound when I pulled it out and Tami and I both gasped at the same time when a rivulet of blood began spilling from her insides.

  She raised her head to look up at me and there were tears running down her cheeks.

  “How could you...” She made a panting sound as she struggled to pull air into her lungs. “Why would you do this to me?”

  Her eyes bugged, stretched wide with grief as the realization hit her. There was no way she was making it out of there alive.

  “I—I’m pregnant.”

  That definitely wasn’t something that I had expected to hear.

  “Is it Ink’s?”

  She shook her head. “No. I—I... I don’t know whose it is.”

  I expelled a breath. Another child that she was going to bring into the world and, unlike Tamiyah, this one wouldn’t have had a man like Ink to save it from its mother. How selfish could she be to become pregnant with another child when she didn’t even love the one she already had?

  After that, finishing the deed wasn’t quite so hard. Grabbing her phone, I texted Kale until I was able to convince him to come by. It was risky, but even if he didn’t show, I
had a plan for that, too.

  With that part done, I had to move quickly. Using the anger I’d kept buried inside for so long as fuel, I stabbed her over and over again until I was almost covered with her blood. Every day of my life I was plagued by the ‘need to please’ disease, making me feel as though I had to be perfect in every and any part of my life but, when it came to that, I acted out of pure emotion. I relinquished all control.

  Once it was over, I felt victorious. Maybe that was how my stepmother had felt. All that was left for me to do was get away with it.

  By the time that Kale made it to the motel, Tami was dead but knowing what I did about him and his connection to her and Ink, I counted on him leaving and staying silent about what he’d seen. I also counted on him suspecting Ink for her murder, driving a much-needed wedge between them. Turns out, I was right on both counts and, thanks to the video that I discreetly took of his departure from Tami’s room, I had everything needed to cover my crime.

  Once he was gone, I took my time rolling her body up in an old comforter, taping it up and after much struggle, I was able to get it in the trunk. Tami was petite and curvy but, in death, she was like carrying a bag of bricks. I drove to my house in the mountains, swapped cars, and then returned to Ink’s home.

  While I drove, I fingered Tami’s diamond ring in my pocket. It was dumb to have it on me, but I’d been unable to stop myself from keeping it. Ink had given it to her when he loved Tami enough to make her his wife; I wanted the same so bad. It hurt me to my core when I had to give it to Dyano, but he’d told me that it was a necessary part of my plan.

  I almost stopped him before he bumped into Kale at the courthouse and slipped it into his pocket. It wasn’t until I saw the look on Ink’s face when it fell out that I knew I’d made the right choice. Dyano was right, but I knew he would give me good advice. He was loyal to my father through friendship and his guilt for being involved in my mother’s murder made him loyal to me.